Author Topic: My Story Where Do I Stand!  (Read 13550 times)

Offline Prdoll1072Topic starterTopic starter

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My Story Where Do I Stand!
« on: October 08, 2014, 04:06:55 AM »
This is my new thread don't know how to attach the old one please help! Things are still the same in Mlc world just trying to get out of thinking of h and ow!



http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5327.0
« Last Edit: October 08, 2014, 04:20:39 AM by kikki »

Offline kikki

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Re: Trying to understand but hurts too much!
« Reply #1 on: October 08, 2014, 04:19:45 AM »


Happy Birthday PRDoll. :)

Offline a2mbs

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Re: Trying to understand but hurts too much!
« Reply #2 on: October 08, 2014, 06:25:04 AM »
It's difficult. I know.  I've been filling my time with reading and playing candy crush.  The kids also keep me distracted.  Try to focus more on you. Easier said than done.  I struggle with it everyday.
Me:43, H:43
T:18, M:15
D11, D13
BD:Fall 2013 (a variation of ILYBNILWY and its all my fault)
PA discovered:3/2014 (H broke it off with OW, thought things were getting better)
PA resumes: 6/2014
Separated:8/2/2014

Offline Prdoll1072Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Trying to understand but hurts too much!
« Reply #3 on: October 08, 2014, 10:00:49 AM »
Thank you Kikki! I wanted some advice I don't know if h is a clinging boomerang or cake eater or trying to feel out where he still stands with me! I did tell h that he gave ow the authority to state she is in a relationship and how can you allow to make time or work it out with ow and it's so easy to leave me! H says no I didn't and then remained quiet I know I shouldn't do this but some days it because so darn difficult that I just lose it any advice! a2mbs I know I have been doing the same thing thing the only difference with you and I is that my h got his man cave and did tell me he wanted to return on multiple occasions but wants to come and stay not leave again! Kikki I did also asked h if he was still confused and he said yes I said thought about seeing a therapist and he stood quiet I know I shouldn't but it's just too much sometimes and I wish I could just move far away and forget to ever happened!

Offline kikki

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Re: Trying to understand but hurts too much!
« Reply #4 on: October 08, 2014, 12:29:08 PM »
I used to read RCR's articles and wasn't sure if my H was a clinging boomerang or not either.  At coaching, she assured me that he was.


Clinging Boomerang Traits:
Seeks Reassurance May request that you be strong for them, believe in them, not turn your back...
My H often used to say how strong I was, in the early days. I pretended I was strong after a few weeks, but inside I was a complete mess

Dependent and even co-dependent
For months he visited us daily.  Then a few times a week. Now it is once a week on average, but we just had a few months where we only saw him once a month.  The contact style can change over time.

Multiple Returns--or desire to return on multiple occasions
As above, he visits often, but does not stay overnight. Used to hint in the early days that he might come home for good

Pursuer Frequent contact which may include begn-pleading

Frequent Touch-n-Goes

Acknowledges the spouse as the spouse
It's obvious he still considers us to be his family, but he would never refer to me as his wife. he uses it to push me away and control me (we're separated Kikki!  I'm living with someone else now!)

Hopes to return someday--openly or secretly

Possible issues fearing abandonment

May continue to profess love for their spouse
Occasionally says he cares about what happens to me, and then his actions speak of the opposite.

Scared of losing the spouse May verbalize this as losing the friendship or may be more direct and fear the spouse will find someone else.
Like all MLCers he said he wanted me to find someone else in the early days - to alleviate his guilt.  He panics if I leave our city.


Cake eating is something that Clinging boomerangers do a lot of.
They want their two worlds, and my MLCer gets very aggressive when that is threatened.  He has even said that he wants his two worlds to carry on.  Refuses to give up his fantasy life with the OW, and when I go NC, completely freaks out.
It's incredibly challenging to deal with.

When they are so in our faces, it is impossible not to give them truth darts sometimes. Say your piece and then back off and let him process it.
Just don't expect a rational conversation, because there is no logical thinking with this selfish, me, me, me disorder.
« Last Edit: October 08, 2014, 12:43:02 PM by kikki »

Offline blackice

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Re: Trying to understand but hurts too much!
« Reply #5 on: October 08, 2014, 11:07:42 PM »
i can attest to the going nc and h freaking out. every time i get too quiet with him he freaks out. if he doesn't see me for a few days he freaks out. it can be quite draining but i do so love throwing those truth darts at him while i can. it's fun. rational conversations are rare, it's mostly a lot of listening and then hitting him with a 2x4.
Me 40
H 43
SD 22 D20 S14 S10
bomb drop  october 2013
secret trip with OW June 2014
moved out to live with OW July 2014
left state with ow to go to treatment Nov 2014
Ow gave birth to OC June 2015
h is on probation back here at home
H married ow dec 2015 while still being legally married to me
H returned home 4/17
EA turned PA
still says he loves me but he has to grow as a person

Offline Prdoll1072Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Trying to understand but hurts too much!
« Reply #6 on: October 09, 2014, 06:03:15 PM »
Thanks again I try not to think of h and other ow but sometimes it's really hard! I must admit sometimes I want to get a 2x4 and knock some sense into him! Today is my birthday and h text said happy birthday that he was already at business meetings etc I said thank you thought you forgot he said really?????duh Of course not! I said thanks again spend it with my dog this morning! I wish his brain grew up or he showed some signs like of some of the stories on here he has done some but not as often! The weekend I went out with sil h said text me when you get home have fun and be safe texted h at 4am I'm home ! By the way ladies and gents I had a blast I also met new people funny I danced all night with this guy and it felt amazing all he could say how beautiful I looked ! If h saw me he would probably not be too happy I even took a pic but that's all we ended the night with we really had a blast and a kiss on the cheek! I hid the pic in case I need to use it for the future lol another thing h was really distant the next day I wonder if he felt it or had someone spying on me!

Offline a2mbs

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Re: Trying to understand but hurts too much!
« Reply #7 on: October 10, 2014, 06:55:20 AM »
Happy Birthday!!! Happy Birthday!!! Happy Birthday!!!

Do something for you today.  I'm glad you had a great time with sil. Feels good to be noticed. :)
Me:43, H:43
T:18, M:15
D11, D13
BD:Fall 2013 (a variation of ILYBNILWY and its all my fault)
PA discovered:3/2014 (H broke it off with OW, thought things were getting better)
PA resumes: 6/2014
Separated:8/2/2014

Offline Prdoll1072Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Trying to understand but hurts too much!
« Reply #8 on: October 14, 2014, 02:52:32 AM »
Well ladies give me feedback please ! H brought me a present and a card this is what the card reads how do you manage how to stay so smart and sexy and in the inside it reads to the most amazing woman in the universe love h! Then takes me out to dinner and a movie then the next day takes me over to his place makes me dinner and serves me drinks what the hell I just enjoyed it because I deserve a break from this roller coaster and it felt normal even though the reality lives in my heart. then it was s birthday yesterday and we went out to eat ands asked him to stay which he did I wasn't sure what to say but h misses him at home and it was his birthday it felt really awkward because the person I married came out for a little while this weekend even though I know it won't last because of Mlc I wanna so bad go into that brain and see what he's thinking about !

Offline kikki

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Re: Trying to understand but hurts too much!
« Reply #9 on: October 14, 2014, 09:43:03 PM »
Clingers are tough because they drop us so many crumbs which keeps our hope alive.
Just be careful to keep your heart guarded.  The pendulum most likely will swing back the other way. 

Your H is in there somewhere, just buried underneath his MLC.


 

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