Author Topic: My Story Where Do I Stand!  (Read 13546 times)

Offline Prdoll1072Topic starterTopic starter

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My Story Where Do I Stand!
« on: October 08, 2014, 04:06:55 AM »
This is my new thread don't know how to attach the old one please help! Things are still the same in Mlc world just trying to get out of thinking of h and ow!



http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5327.0
« Last Edit: October 08, 2014, 04:20:39 AM by kikki »

Online kikki

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Re: Trying to understand but hurts too much!
« Reply #1 on: October 08, 2014, 04:19:45 AM »


Happy Birthday PRDoll. :)

Offline a2mbs

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Re: Trying to understand but hurts too much!
« Reply #2 on: October 08, 2014, 06:25:04 AM »
It's difficult. I know.  I've been filling my time with reading and playing candy crush.  The kids also keep me distracted.  Try to focus more on you. Easier said than done.  I struggle with it everyday.
Me:43, H:43
T:18, M:15
D11, D13
BD:Fall 2013 (a variation of ILYBNILWY and its all my fault)
PA discovered:3/2014 (H broke it off with OW, thought things were getting better)
PA resumes: 6/2014
Separated:8/2/2014

Offline Prdoll1072Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Trying to understand but hurts too much!
« Reply #3 on: October 08, 2014, 10:00:49 AM »
Thank you Kikki! I wanted some advice I don't know if h is a clinging boomerang or cake eater or trying to feel out where he still stands with me! I did tell h that he gave ow the authority to state she is in a relationship and how can you allow to make time or work it out with ow and it's so easy to leave me! H says no I didn't and then remained quiet I know I shouldn't do this but some days it because so darn difficult that I just lose it any advice! a2mbs I know I have been doing the same thing thing the only difference with you and I is that my h got his man cave and did tell me he wanted to return on multiple occasions but wants to come and stay not leave again! Kikki I did also asked h if he was still confused and he said yes I said thought about seeing a therapist and he stood quiet I know I shouldn't but it's just too much sometimes and I wish I could just move far away and forget to ever happened!

Online kikki

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Re: Trying to understand but hurts too much!
« Reply #4 on: October 08, 2014, 12:29:08 PM »
I used to read RCR's articles and wasn't sure if my H was a clinging boomerang or not either.  At coaching, she assured me that he was.


Clinging Boomerang Traits:
Seeks Reassurance May request that you be strong for them, believe in them, not turn your back...
My H often used to say how strong I was, in the early days. I pretended I was strong after a few weeks, but inside I was a complete mess

Dependent and even co-dependent
For months he visited us daily.  Then a few times a week. Now it is once a week on average, but we just had a few months where we only saw him once a month.  The contact style can change over time.

Multiple Returns--or desire to return on multiple occasions
As above, he visits often, but does not stay overnight. Used to hint in the early days that he might come home for good

Pursuer Frequent contact which may include begn-pleading

Frequent Touch-n-Goes

Acknowledges the spouse as the spouse
It's obvious he still considers us to be his family, but he would never refer to me as his wife. he uses it to push me away and control me (we're separated Kikki!  I'm living with someone else now!)

Hopes to return someday--openly or secretly

Possible issues fearing abandonment

May continue to profess love for their spouse
Occasionally says he cares about what happens to me, and then his actions speak of the opposite.

Scared of losing the spouse May verbalize this as losing the friendship or may be more direct and fear the spouse will find someone else.
Like all MLCers he said he wanted me to find someone else in the early days - to alleviate his guilt.  He panics if I leave our city.


Cake eating is something that Clinging boomerangers do a lot of.
They want their two worlds, and my MLCer gets very aggressive when that is threatened.  He has even said that he wants his two worlds to carry on.  Refuses to give up his fantasy life with the OW, and when I go NC, completely freaks out.
It's incredibly challenging to deal with.

When they are so in our faces, it is impossible not to give them truth darts sometimes. Say your piece and then back off and let him process it.
Just don't expect a rational conversation, because there is no logical thinking with this selfish, me, me, me disorder.
« Last Edit: October 08, 2014, 12:43:02 PM by kikki »

Offline blackice

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Re: Trying to understand but hurts too much!
« Reply #5 on: October 08, 2014, 11:07:42 PM »
i can attest to the going nc and h freaking out. every time i get too quiet with him he freaks out. if he doesn't see me for a few days he freaks out. it can be quite draining but i do so love throwing those truth darts at him while i can. it's fun. rational conversations are rare, it's mostly a lot of listening and then hitting him with a 2x4.
Me 40
H 43
SD 22 D20 S14 S10
bomb drop  october 2013
secret trip with OW June 2014
moved out to live with OW July 2014
left state with ow to go to treatment Nov 2014
Ow gave birth to OC June 2015
h is on probation back here at home
H married ow dec 2015 while still being legally married to me
H returned home 4/17
EA turned PA
still says he loves me but he has to grow as a person

Offline Prdoll1072Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Trying to understand but hurts too much!
« Reply #6 on: October 09, 2014, 06:03:15 PM »
Thanks again I try not to think of h and other ow but sometimes it's really hard! I must admit sometimes I want to get a 2x4 and knock some sense into him! Today is my birthday and h text said happy birthday that he was already at business meetings etc I said thank you thought you forgot he said really?????duh Of course not! I said thanks again spend it with my dog this morning! I wish his brain grew up or he showed some signs like of some of the stories on here he has done some but not as often! The weekend I went out with sil h said text me when you get home have fun and be safe texted h at 4am I'm home ! By the way ladies and gents I had a blast I also met new people funny I danced all night with this guy and it felt amazing all he could say how beautiful I looked ! If h saw me he would probably not be too happy I even took a pic but that's all we ended the night with we really had a blast and a kiss on the cheek! I hid the pic in case I need to use it for the future lol another thing h was really distant the next day I wonder if he felt it or had someone spying on me!

Offline a2mbs

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Re: Trying to understand but hurts too much!
« Reply #7 on: October 10, 2014, 06:55:20 AM »
Happy Birthday!!! Happy Birthday!!! Happy Birthday!!!

Do something for you today.  I'm glad you had a great time with sil. Feels good to be noticed. :)
Me:43, H:43
T:18, M:15
D11, D13
BD:Fall 2013 (a variation of ILYBNILWY and its all my fault)
PA discovered:3/2014 (H broke it off with OW, thought things were getting better)
PA resumes: 6/2014
Separated:8/2/2014

Offline Prdoll1072Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Trying to understand but hurts too much!
« Reply #8 on: October 14, 2014, 02:52:32 AM »
Well ladies give me feedback please ! H brought me a present and a card this is what the card reads how do you manage how to stay so smart and sexy and in the inside it reads to the most amazing woman in the universe love h! Then takes me out to dinner and a movie then the next day takes me over to his place makes me dinner and serves me drinks what the hell I just enjoyed it because I deserve a break from this roller coaster and it felt normal even though the reality lives in my heart. then it was s birthday yesterday and we went out to eat ands asked him to stay which he did I wasn't sure what to say but h misses him at home and it was his birthday it felt really awkward because the person I married came out for a little while this weekend even though I know it won't last because of Mlc I wanna so bad go into that brain and see what he's thinking about !

Online kikki

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Re: Trying to understand but hurts too much!
« Reply #9 on: October 14, 2014, 09:43:03 PM »
Clingers are tough because they drop us so many crumbs which keeps our hope alive.
Just be careful to keep your heart guarded.  The pendulum most likely will swing back the other way. 

Your H is in there somewhere, just buried underneath his MLC.


Offline Prdoll1072Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Trying to understand but hurts too much!
« Reply #10 on: October 16, 2014, 02:59:26 AM »
Thanks Kikki but why did h do all those things ! I just want to talk to someone and let this out ! I took it really hard when h left even though I wanted him to leave he seemed to be starting to get a little edgy scratching his head then walking back and forth I notice he can't stay still no matter where he is!

Online kikki

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Re: Trying to understand but hurts too much!
« Reply #11 on: October 16, 2014, 01:43:11 PM »
OK PR, I'm going to give you an assignment. Re-reading some of RCR's articles.  :)
The behaviours are well described here.

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/site-map.html

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc.html


You can't make sense of a MLC.  It is all about chaos and confusion.  None of it is logical.  You have a clinger, so you see the confusion and reaching back to you for reassurance, but it doesn't mean that his crisis is over.

MLCers tend to display more confusion at the beginning and endings of the tunnel where there is some light shining through.  The middle is the blackest part.

It doesn't sound as though your H monstered at you, was just a bit irritable, is that right?  The anxiety and inability to sit still are all part of the crisis. 

I wish we could have them sent off for rest and respite, but we can't.  All we can do is to try to stay as detached as we can from their antics and protect ourselves financially as much as possible. (I know that isn't what any of us want to hear, and it makes us want to scream, but this is usually a long haul). 

Offline Prdoll1072Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Trying to understand but hurts too much!
« Reply #12 on: October 17, 2014, 03:11:03 AM »
Thanks Kikki h came over yesterday and left pretty late! I had monster at the first month of bd on and off for about five months! Then is became more of h will talk to me then stop talking when he would come over now it's more conversation but just about kids ,bills etc it's like when a person is trying to know you again! I must admit Kikki I rather see him and then he leaves because the way he acts sometimes like the distance or the anxiety really makes me uncomfortable because it's like if I don't know this person! You know when you meet someone you can start a conversation with h I can't connect like that is that normal for me to feel! I rather not deal with him I can only tolerate him for awhile then I want him to leave even though I love him and want him back I can't see myself with him yet I still see him lost and I know ow is around somewhere! H has told me he still loves  me but that doesn't make me feel safe I know things change from time to time! I'm grateful for my birthday and everything he did but it didn't give me hopes of a return or maybe I'm learning not to have no expectations and that's why I feel the way I do! I do see him more concern about me and making sure that when he says he's somewhere he figures a way to prove it to me but that is not enough for me because I know they know how to cover themselves. I believe we are the most courageous women and men on this forum because I couldn't see h pulling up with this crap!

Online kikki

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Re: Trying to understand but hurts too much!
« Reply #13 on: October 17, 2014, 05:53:55 PM »
It takes a long while to understand, but our spouse in crisis is not the person that we knew all of these years. Their personality has completely changed, and their way of interacting with everyone has also changed dramatically.

It's incredibly cruel.  Like dealing with a sudden amnesia, but the world doesn't understand.

I feel the same way as you.  I miss my H terribly, but find being around the MLC version of him very draining and tiring and not at all relaxing.
Remember, they are not capable of any relationships of any depth and truth while in crisis.  These OW do not know the men that we knew. Imagine being an OW and being with a MLCer once the infatuation chemicals have worn off?  No thanks.

Agree - we are a very very courageous bunch. 

Offline Prdoll1072Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Trying to understand but hurts too much!
« Reply #14 on: October 19, 2014, 08:12:21 AM »
Thanks Kikki sometimes I feel like I'm losing it! H has come up with phone issues now lol! I just don't understand why they hide the ow if they are so happy! I look at him and feel so sorry I woulld never want to feel or hurt anyone the way they do!

Offline Prdoll1072Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Trying to understand but hurts too much!
« Reply #15 on: October 30, 2014, 03:15:49 AM »
Hello everyone haven't posted in awhile ! I have been feeling a little lost and confused h has done some nice things for the me and the kids just finish taking us out this past weekend! I got drunk because it was his weekend with the kids so I had to go meet some friends I wasn't drunk I was nice feeling happy and ready to have fun and leave Mlc world for awhile and feel life for a couple of hours! I ask h to drop me off he said no you need to stay home I said no way ! I said it's ok I will go on my own just trying to save some money he said fine I'll take you! H didn't he took me to his place I said this is not the way h said no I have a surprise. We get there I said this is not where i. Suppose to be he said yes the kids said come on mom . I went inside h puts a movie gets some food he bought on the way caters to me I then fall asleep waking up in h  cave ! I felt strange I didn't feel comfortable even though he tried everything he even went out to get me breakfast and took care of me for lunch and we watch movies the whole day! H started cleaning it was messy it took him 6 hours to clean a one bedroom apartment lol! Now I feel confused and have this anxiety of what is going to happen next when something nice comes something negative comes right behind it ! I understand the road of no expectations but I wonder what's happening  in that twisted mind I think I accepted going because in my heart I needed to feel close at that moment ! Please give some advice! H did monster at the beginning of bomb drop but now gets more cordial monster comes out very light then he realizes it and then gets cordial again!

Offline MeNow

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Re: Trying to understand but hurts too much!
« Reply #16 on: October 30, 2014, 03:50:34 AM »
My advice, acknowledge it was nice and move along.
 Let him be the one to pursue you.

It was nice of him though.

Best

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: Trying to understand but hurts too much!
« Reply #17 on: October 30, 2014, 08:14:27 PM »
It takes a long while to understand, but our spouse in crisis is not the person that we knew all of these years. Their personality has completely changed, and their way of interacting with everyone has also changed dramatically.

It's incredibly cruel.  Like dealing with a sudden amnesia, but the world doesn't understand.

I feel the same way as you.  I miss my H terribly, but find being around the MLC version of him very draining and tiring and not at all relaxing.
Remember, they are not capable of any relationships of any depth and truth while in crisis.  These OW do not know the men that we knew. Imagine being an OW and being with a MLCer once the infatuation chemicals have worn off?  No thanks.

Agree - we are a very very courageous bunch.

Thank you. I miss my W so much but I rarely see her when the MLCer comes around because she has changed so much. It really is draining to be around her and I sometimes find myself avoiding her, yet I love her and I want her back. I think this is what my therapist calls cognitive dissonance.

Online kikki

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Re: Trying to understand but hurts too much!
« Reply #18 on: November 01, 2014, 11:50:31 AM »
Quote
I think this is what my therapist calls cognitive dissonance.

Exactly correct MBIB.  It's enormously challenging to wrap our heads around all of this. But these MLCers are nothing like the people that they were.

Offline Prdoll1072Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Trying to understand but hurts too much!
« Reply #19 on: November 04, 2014, 05:03:39 PM »
Hello everyone feeling down I have been crying I feel so lonely! I wanna be able to come home and snuggle with someone and talk it's not about sex it's about the life I once had! How can all these years be taken away in a blink of an eye with no remorse! H cycles a lot one minute I see bits of the old h then I see this stranger that I'm not even comfortable enough to come out of a shower wrapped in a towel or even be too close! Everything inside me misses my husband but this person I see is a complete stranger to me! I miss my old life! At times I want to disappear to a whole another place and start all over but the I think of how he's feeling deep down inside and I feel I failed as a wife! Why does this person get to be so close to my h but I cant ! Please some advice can't stop crying and feeling lonely!

Online kikki

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Re: Trying to understand but hurts too much!
« Reply #20 on: November 04, 2014, 09:22:46 PM »
PR, a thread for how we feel as LBS, and the stages we go through, has been revived by songanddance today.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=2625.80
Thought you might want to take a look, and maybe join in the discussion.

Offline Prdoll1072Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Trying to understand but hurts too much!
« Reply #21 on: November 12, 2014, 05:39:55 PM »
Hello all nothing new in Mlc world! Anyone has advice for me since my last post! I can use some support feeling lonely today!

Offline stayed

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Re: Trying to understand but hurts too much!
« Reply #22 on: November 13, 2014, 01:18:43 AM »
Hello Prdoll:
Have no advice for you but wanted you to know I read your message in cyber space hehehe.  Cheer up, you are not alone.

Hugs Stayed
Married 42yrs.
Reconciled July 5, 2006

"Don't be so open minded your brains fall out".  by Stephen A. Kallis, Jr.
"We believe marriage is sacred, but it is not our job to save marriages; it is our goal to empower each of you to save your own marriage."

Stayed Husband Letter
The Hero's Spouse Mission Statement
Survival Instructions for Newbies
The Mentor Program
LBS SCRIPT

Offline MeNow

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Re: Trying to understand but hurts too much!
« Reply #23 on: November 13, 2014, 02:07:48 AM »
Yep, I'm here too. You aren't alone.

Offline Prdoll1072Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Trying to understand but hurts too much!
« Reply #24 on: November 13, 2014, 02:36:59 AM »
Thank you !

Offline stayed

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Re: Trying to understand but hurts too much!
« Reply #25 on: November 13, 2014, 03:57:07 AM »
:)

((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))) Stayed
Married 42yrs.
Reconciled July 5, 2006

"Don't be so open minded your brains fall out".  by Stephen A. Kallis, Jr.
"We believe marriage is sacred, but it is not our job to save marriages; it is our goal to empower each of you to save your own marriage."

Stayed Husband Letter
The Hero's Spouse Mission Statement
Survival Instructions for Newbies
The Mentor Program
LBS SCRIPT

Offline Prdoll1072Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Trying to understand but hurts too much!
« Reply #26 on: November 13, 2014, 08:07:13 PM »
Thank you guys as always it's like having a family who understands and you don't have to explain it! I did snooping again I know I shouldn't because it always hurts me! Ow has a pic of her and h and there are comments from people one person says you guys look so in love another says I know he's the right guy for you he treats you good ! It really hurts so he came over today I didn't mention one thing although everything inside me wanted to burst I held it in maybe because I already had cried my eyes out prior to him coming! I know I wouldn't have gotten anything in return because he won't admit to it ! She's parading around a relationship and he's still married really ! Please help me stop hurting and find myself again!

Online Mitzpah

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Re: Trying to understand but hurts too much!
« Reply #27 on: November 14, 2014, 04:14:19 AM »
Prdoll,

Just wanted to say that you are not alone. I also saw FB posts with similar content. I have been off FB since mid 2012 now, it didn't kill me and I don't have to torture myself with images and comments I don't need to see. Snooping does not help me at all.

I am almost four years after BD and my h. is still married to me even though he declares that he is married to OW, with whom he lives.

We are thrust onto a very lonely path. I stand for my marriage regardless of what my beloved h. is doing. God is my refuge and my hope is in Him. I know that God can restore my marriage and family  and that is where my expectations are, until He does that I carry on living and listening for God's small voice in my life... This devotional I received today helps put this in perspective:
Quote
   
Nov 14, 2014   
Ready, Set — Wait
by Rick Warren

“The Lord is good to everyone who trusts in him, so it is best for us to wait in patience — to wait for him to save us.” (Lamentations 3:25-26 GNT)

When life seems to be falling apart, your most “spiritual” decision may be a surprise: Get alone with God, and wait.

The Bible tells us this in Lamentations 3:28, “When life is heavy and hard to take, go off by yourself. Enter the silence. Bow in prayer. Don’t ask questions: Wait for hope to appear. Don’t run from trouble. Take it full-face. The ‘worst’ is never the worst” (Lamentations 3:28 MSG).

Most of us don’t know how to “enter the silence.” We’re always anxious. We don’t like to wait on God because it stresses us out. We like to be in control.

What does it mean to wait on God? You sit down, close your mouth, and just listen to God. You may read your Bible. You may pray. But most all, you’re quiet in front of God.

Anxiety comes when we’re not “waiting for hope to appear,” as Jeremiah tells us. God wants to talk to us. He wants to give us the hope we crave. But we’re way too busy. All of our circuits are busy! When he calls, we’re on a different line.

If we want to listen to God and experience the hope he has for us, we have to get alone with him. We must “enter the silence” and be ready to hear him.

Jesus also said this in Matthew 6:6: “Find a quiet, secluded place so you won’t be tempted to role-play before God. Just be there as simply and honestly as you can manage. The focus will shift from you to God, and you will begin to sense his grace” (MSG).

Get honest with God, and your focus will shift from just seeing your problems — no matter how overwhelming they seem — to the grace of God.

Lamentations 3:25-26 says, “The Lord is good to everyone who trusts in him, so it is best for us to wait in patience — to wait for him to save us” (GNT).

Before you go out and try to solve your problem on your own, let God save you. It’s like in those war movies when the enemy is marching toward the hero’s army — which is usually an inferior, ragtag group. The hero tells his men to wait until he gives the order to shoot. Then, at the last possible moment, he yells, “Shoot!” Firing at the right moment means success.

The same is true for us. No matter what obstacle you’re facing, you’ve got to wait for God’s timing. He’ll time your next move perfectly.

So wait and listen.

M 58
H 58
S 27
D 24
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline Prdoll1072Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Trying to understand but hurts too much!
« Reply #28 on: November 14, 2014, 06:54:16 PM »
Thank you mitzvah very encouraging! I just miss my life so much I say it so much because everyone here helps me to remember I'm not alone I'm not insane! I just wish he can be straight forward lately he's been interfering with my weekends ! He makes sure he leaves late or says we have something with d it will be easier to commute from here! I say I'm stepping out he wants to know where and most of the times he's says no stay home! I usually start having a Friday cocktail and h already knows once that happens I need to be in a happy environment I love to dance I express myself and that's how h met me dancing so he knows how I feel at that moment then he wants to control my gal time!

Offline MeNow

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Re: Trying to understand but hurts too much!
« Reply #29 on: November 14, 2014, 06:57:06 PM »
So don't let him.

Offline Prdoll1072Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Trying to understand but hurts too much!
« Reply #30 on: November 15, 2014, 03:05:54 AM »
Your right menow some days I feel like I can concur the world then there are some days I fall apart putting visions of h and ow in my head ! How can this hurt so much and they continue as if life with them never exited!

Offline Prdoll1072Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Trying to understand but hurts too much!
« Reply #31 on: November 21, 2014, 03:23:24 PM »
Hello all nothing really new happening just missing my h! I need help about thinking about h and ow ! I need to erase her from my mind she's not worth it I need to stop snooping on her fb page but it just hurts too much! H bought her tickets to a concert and she posted it on fb then I confront him because he's always crying broke and his reply is I feel bad I'm going to dump her which we all know it's not true and I even told him that! I can see now a little better how lost and confused he is but he's the only one that can figure it out ! H showed up the same day I confronted him and you can see that a he was drinking and hadn't much slept ! How could someone live like this and why do I still love him and feel that when my vows were taken I meant it better for worse in sickness and in health ! I even asked him if the tables were turned around and I was the one living this life he lives will he handle it he said maybe I said you wouldn't you would have destroy me a long time ago h always told me that if I ever cheated he will destroy me financially and even to the point of taking the kids away with him ! H stood very quiet he just let me say what I had to stay he only said those two things to me and I ended the conversation! Please any advice it seems I'm so alone now!

Offline Prdoll1072Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Trying to understand but hurts too much!
« Reply #32 on: November 24, 2014, 03:14:27 AM »
I feel really lost I have been posting and trying to get some support I know we are all suffering but this is the only place I can come to and feel relieved! I had planned to go to my sil and I started drinking h was taking me there all of a sudden I had too much I told h I didn't want to go like that to her house take me to a hotel I will check in a stay the night h decided no I'm taking you to my place! People I was destroyed I couldn't stay there it was driving me crazy thinking of h and ow I felt worthless and h just hugged me the next day I was still in a bad state and sil came over but just wanted to go to dinner and bring me back to h ! I was so confused on where I should be ! She left I broke down again and h was just hugging me and telling me to relax I asked him to take me to the nearest train which commutes between upstate New York and the city which is where I live and he again said no just go to sleep and relax. H said tomorrow we will go to d school and take them to a movie and have a good day with all of us. I feel so broken right now! Please anyone post something for me !

Offline stayed

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Re: Trying to understand but hurts too much!
« Reply #33 on: November 24, 2014, 09:39:49 AM »
Hello Prdoll.  I'm not too sure what you want me to say.  I know when I was going through this, I did not drink.  My fear was that I would climb into a bottle and never be heard or seen from again.  I did not want to end up being a "lush".  It would have been very easy to do that. 

Sweetie... I beg you to close out your F B account.  You are letting that OW torture you.  You are letting your h torture you as well.  They know you see these pictures, these concert tickets.  You have to help yourself and the best way to do that is to close your Face Book.  That's what Mitzpah did.

We can only help you so much Prdoll, you have to do some of the work.  Ow is nothing.  She is a placebo... a temporary relief.  Stay away from her. Stop searching her FB page.

Hugs Stayed
Married 42yrs.
Reconciled July 5, 2006

"Don't be so open minded your brains fall out".  by Stephen A. Kallis, Jr.
"We believe marriage is sacred, but it is not our job to save marriages; it is our goal to empower each of you to save your own marriage."

Stayed Husband Letter
The Hero's Spouse Mission Statement
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Online kikki

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Re: Trying to understand but hurts too much!
« Reply #34 on: November 24, 2014, 08:35:47 PM »
PR, it's such a mystery what happens to these MLCers, but they turn into such peculiar people - nothing like the people we knew.

We all understand how hard this is -but I agree with stayed.  You need to keep off the FB pages and stop snooping.  It is torturing you and doing you no good.
Your H is going to do what he is going to do, and there is nothing that you can do to influence him.

I know how cruel and heartbreaking this is - but these MLCers seem to lose their minds for quite some time.

Do you read some of the other threads?  Most people find the best support comes when they start reaching out and supporting others who are going through the same thing. In turn, those people reach out and return the support (in general).

Hugs to you PR, thinking of you

Offline Prdoll1072Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Trying to understand but hurts too much!
« Reply #35 on: November 30, 2014, 06:09:44 PM »
Thank you ladies for all the advice you give me so much support and encouragement that I will be ok baby steps ! I have been doing better on myself and detaching myself from h's drama ! I pray to God everyday for strength and wisdom and guidance to live my life as best as I could ! I think it's being lonely that affects me the most I sometimes crave to have someone hug and kiss me and tell me they love me ! Right now my children are what keep me going ! I know I need to be the one to develop my own strength it's been a hard year and though h is acting better than a year ago I do see the cycling clearer now ! It's like he doesn't want to lose me but can't stop what's happening to him in his other life!

Offline Pixiegirl

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Re: Trying to understand but hurts too much!
« Reply #36 on: November 30, 2014, 06:27:13 PM »
PR-
Just getting caught up on your thread. If I may say this, stop being his victim. Stop letting him see your weakness. You've got to take your power back. YOU Can do this. We fall but we get back up.

read on detachment over and over again. Keep reading until something clicks .

Get rid of the FB. It's making you obsess and driving you crazy. I know, I did it.

You are going to be ok PR. Stop listening to H . Don't believe a word he says. They lie about everything.

Offline stayed

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Re: Trying to understand but hurts too much!
« Reply #37 on: December 01, 2014, 12:09:34 AM »
Sadly, if your MLCer's lips are moving, he/she is most likely lying...  :-X

Hugs Stayed
Married 42yrs.
Reconciled July 5, 2006

"Don't be so open minded your brains fall out".  by Stephen A. Kallis, Jr.
"We believe marriage is sacred, but it is not our job to save marriages; it is our goal to empower each of you to save your own marriage."

Stayed Husband Letter
The Hero's Spouse Mission Statement
Survival Instructions for Newbies
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LBS SCRIPT

Offline Prdoll1072Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Trying to understand but hurts too much!
« Reply #38 on: December 03, 2014, 03:07:26 AM »
Hello all I wanna give you some insight my anniversary was December 1, 2014 as you may all know it was hard for me as it is for all of us! I went to work figured staying home will only depress me more and I propably would have been crying all day! I get a text from h this is what he said I don't know what to say on this day, it's a day that I made one of the best decisions in my life and all my other decisions have pretty much sucked.......I was hesitant to reply with tears rolling down my face but I did I needed to so this is what I said To me this will always be my anniversary I met the most amazing man to share my life with! I miss him! Sometimes we must forgive ourselves before anyone can forgive us! I just wish you could see how much I loved you and still do but I can't make decisions for you you need to be able to do that! Please give me feedback I didn't even expect him to acknowledge the day!

Offline Hmmm

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Re: Trying to understand but hurts too much!
« Reply #39 on: December 03, 2014, 08:10:08 AM »
It's a great sign that he admitted his other decisions sucked!

Now step back. You must let him go through this without getting in his way. I wish I'd listened earlier and stopped trying to make my H see sense.

No more texting him for a while-he needs some thinking time

You're doing great. Distracting yourself on anniversaries is the best thing to do in my opinion
Xx

Offline Pixiegirl

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Re: Trying to understand but hurts too much!
« Reply #40 on: December 03, 2014, 09:46:55 AM »
I agree. Step back and show him your confidence. Let him pursue you. Our Anniversary was in June. A month after he walked out. I got the same from H. We texted back and forth for a long time that day. Sometimes they go back in to the tunnel again and hide. Mine did.

I'm not saying all are the same but it's been 6 months since our anniversary and H is just now coming for a visit. He went deep in to replay after our anniversary.


Offline stayed

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Re: Trying to understand but hurts too much!
« Reply #41 on: December 03, 2014, 10:25:13 AM »
It's a long, slow process.  Can't be rushed.  :(  Patience!

Hugs Stayed
Married 42yrs.
Reconciled July 5, 2006

"Don't be so open minded your brains fall out".  by Stephen A. Kallis, Jr.
"We believe marriage is sacred, but it is not our job to save marriages; it is our goal to empower each of you to save your own marriage."

Stayed Husband Letter
The Hero's Spouse Mission Statement
Survival Instructions for Newbies
The Mentor Program
LBS SCRIPT

Offline Prdoll1072Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Trying to understand but hurts too much!
« Reply #42 on: December 03, 2014, 03:41:33 PM »
Thank you all for your advice and guidance ! What would we do without each other!

Offline Pixiegirl

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Re: Trying to understand but hurts too much!
« Reply #43 on: December 03, 2014, 03:48:49 PM »
You are doing good Prdoll. I'll be looking for you next week after H's visit. I'll probably need some help with the afterburn  :)

Offline Prdoll1072Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Trying to understand but hurts too much!
« Reply #44 on: December 08, 2014, 04:04:16 AM »
I'm having a down day I wanna say so much to h but it's really not worth it ! I feel that sometimes talking doesn't get anywhere because the responses are short and that aggravates me. I did snoop again and now with the advice of my family here have let go of my fb page but not without telling h a couple of things. There was a pic of him and ow kissing I told that was no necessary and also I had a pretty rough week with work  and the fact that my anniversary came. H says our anniversary and you are right that's not necceary ! I know I shouldn't have done but I did sometimes I can't hold it in especially when he comes around like mr nice boy!

Online kikki

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Re: Trying to understand but hurts too much!
« Reply #45 on: December 08, 2014, 08:44:04 PM »
PR, I did the same.  When we have these clingers in our face, it is incredibly challenging to keep it entirely zipped.
I don't think that we should have to do that all of the time.
No idea what happens to them, that they think that any of this is okay. 
Hugs Kikki
« Last Edit: December 08, 2014, 08:45:07 PM by kikki »

Offline Trusting in Goodness and God

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Re: Trying to understand but hurts too much!
« Reply #46 on: December 08, 2014, 08:53:03 PM »
I feel your frustration about trying to get answers and he won't give any, or probably doesn't even have any...  I mean I really feel it, because my husband is the same way.  We'll both get through it, though, because OUR brains are still working.

Offline Prdoll1072Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Trying to understand but hurts too much!
« Reply #47 on: December 15, 2014, 05:29:03 PM »
Hi ladies I need help or feedback. I have been like feeling very nauseated thinking about h like if I don't want to see him anymore! I feel stress free when he's not around and when I know he's coming I'm like ok let's get this over with so you can leave please! Is this normal or what or may I be learning how to detach,

Offline Head.Held.High

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Re: Trying to understand but hurts too much!
« Reply #48 on: December 15, 2014, 05:38:43 PM »
My mentor told me when I was feeling anxious like you sound like you are to do the 3 rule.

Take 3 minutes, 3 hours, 3 days to feel and decide.  It is frustrating and we all want answers NOW.  Our MLC'er is not capable of making a decision right now.  And if they tell you something, it's probably a lie.  That was my biggest frustration.  The honest man I fell in love with, has turned into a big, fat LIAR.

Just breathe.  Treat yourself to something nice.  This is not a road for the weak at heart.
08/12 - Discovered EA
09/12 - H Moved Out and back at least four times since.
07/14 - EA moved to PA - found a letter from OW
08/14 - H Filed for D
12/14 - H dropped his D proceedings - Mine still active
09/15 - Back to Lawyers for D to continue
02/16 - I moved out of his home
03/16  - OW moved in his home
11/16 - He kicked OW out and begged me to come home.  Tried "dating" again.
03/16 - Told him I would not move back in.
03/16 - OW back (2 days after I told him)

Offline MeNow

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Re: Trying to understand but hurts too much!
« Reply #49 on: December 15, 2014, 08:43:56 PM »
Hi PRD,

Yes. It's normal. You are beginning to see what a difference it makes when he's not around vs. when he is, which leads to making better choices on how to detach.

Offline Trusting in Goodness and God

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Re: Trying to understand but hurts too much!
« Reply #50 on: December 26, 2014, 10:52:03 PM »
PRD, I think your unconscious mind is trying to tell you what the best thing for you is;  you deserve a man who will bring you peace and joy, not NAUSEA!

Offline Prdoll1072Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Trying to understand but hurts too much!
« Reply #51 on: January 09, 2015, 05:38:53 PM »
Hello everyone been away for awhile! Can you guys help me? H spent the holidays with us and even ask me to spend the weekend at his flat! I'm really trying to understand this situation but it gets tricky. I don't know anymore what to think I don't know if he's testing me or what. I'm really confused he's still distant but communicates more with me now than last year. I have not brought up and r talk I just go with the flow and I also pull away because I feel I still need to protect myself as you all know how painful this situation has been for all on this forum. I do feel better when it's weekend w the kids and when its mines I have found many ways to enjoy my time mostly shopping and having fun with sil but h seems to always help me commute to her either he will drive me or he will find out when the next train comes and then asks me to call him once I reach her flat! As I already explain advice is necessary for me I don't know what to do ! I need to protect myself from this pain!

Online kikki

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Re: Trying to understand but hurts too much!
« Reply #52 on: January 09, 2015, 08:56:36 PM »

Offline Prdoll1072Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Trying to understand but hurts too much!
« Reply #53 on: January 14, 2015, 06:57:00 PM »
Thanks Kikki for always being there! It has help me reading the articles again I just don't know what to do. I don't want to leave myself vulnerable again. I have been having conversations but making it simple and to the point I speak and text only when he initiate it. I really don't know if I'm doing the right thing because maybe he wants to see my reactions or security but I don't show it. Today h is here more talkative. I talk then I tend to my business . I even wonder if ow is still around and how would I know without snooping!

Offline Prdoll1072Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Trying to understand but hurts too much!
« Reply #54 on: January 15, 2015, 01:33:35 PM »
Anyone around

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: Trying to understand but hurts too much!
« Reply #55 on: January 15, 2015, 01:37:58 PM »
Still following. It sounds like you're doing the right things.

Offline a2mbs

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Re: Trying to understand but hurts too much!
« Reply #56 on: January 16, 2015, 02:15:52 AM »
Don't snoop!  It will drive you crazy.  I spent months, wondering what my H was doing behind my back.  When I found out things ... I wasn't prepared for what I saw.  It was so painful, especially knowing that my hubby was doing what I never thought he would.

When I simply started to ignore him and detach, I started to notice a shift.  He was annoyed that I wasn't speaking to him or pursuing him.  I was kind of like a robot giving him conversation with no emotion.  He monstered and threw temper tantrums through any means of communication he could.  It drove me crazy, but I didn't respond to him.  I didn't show any reaction at all.  Now, he is coming to the realization that he really could have lost me.  He knows now that I can get along without him and I don't "NEED" him.  It scared him.  He knows now that I will not tolerate another woman in our marriage.  There will not be a me and him if there is an OW.

He's still in his MLC, and I take things one day at a time.  He could flip out tomorrow.  You are doing the right things.  Don't snoop and remember there is no formula for how to deal with MLC and your spouse.  You just have to stumble through it and do what is best for you and the kids.

You are precious and don't forget that. He will realize that at some point.
Me:43, H:43
T:18, M:15
D11, D13
BD:Fall 2013 (a variation of ILYBNILWY and its all my fault)
PA discovered:3/2014 (H broke it off with OW, thought things were getting better)
PA resumes: 6/2014
Separated:8/2/2014

Offline Prdoll1072Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Trying to understand but hurts too much!
« Reply #57 on: January 16, 2015, 03:03:56 AM »
Thank. You a2mbs I really needed that it just a becomes really scary! I'm doing my own things but sometimes I crumble because i see baby steps and I know and can see with things he does that he still loves me! Our car was up on lease so he came over and said to me and the kids I have bad news guys we are going to get a new car and let go of the other so he did involve me and said all the things he was planning but in his personal world I have no idea of what's happening he hides it in the sense that he will say I'm going out with the guys he's calling at all times of the night like the other evening he called and I wasn't home yet it was 7:30 he called again at 1o:30 he ask to talk to as always then he was telling me he was shaving because he had a beard already I said very good and he laughed. H used to call once a day be w kids every other weekend now it's more days w kids especially if they have a break from school and checks with kids before going to school when they come home before 8:00 and then before bed and visits anywhere from twice to three times a week. He conversates with me and jokes every now and then but no r talks only one time when we were drinking and he said I shouldn't be drinking and I said my anniversary was a hard week and he corrected me and said our anniversary he texted me also on our anniversary and said he really didn't know what to say except that it was a day that he made the best choice in his life and pretty much after that every other choice pretty much sucked! I replied simple by saying it will always be my anniversary I married the most amazing man in the world whom I miss and love and that no one will take that away from me he didn't reply and even came over that evening we spend the holidays together and d's birthday. I think I'm more worry about feeling the pain all over so I do don't have any expectations but wonder a lot where this is all going. I feel in a much better place than last year at this time. I'm just thinking that I don't want to be friendly if ow is around because he will be having both of both worlds and I don't want to give him that.i think that's where the idea from snooping comes into play but I wont you are right it hurts too much she had put pics of them on her page and even had one of him kissing her and I said I wont snoop again because it's hurting me more in the process so keep myself busy and continue to be kind until of course like every mlcer the information comes to surface because they lie so much!

Offline a2mbs

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Re: Trying to understand but hurts too much!
« Reply #58 on: January 16, 2015, 06:01:15 AM »
i assumed OW was around until he told me otherwise. I asked one time and he told me he was still seeing her.  That was painful to here so I went back to NC. He eventually understood my boundary of NC was for me and not as a punishment for him. It's hard for them to understand that the world doesn't revolve sound them.
Me:43, H:43
T:18, M:15
D11, D13
BD:Fall 2013 (a variation of ILYBNILWY and its all my fault)
PA discovered:3/2014 (H broke it off with OW, thought things were getting better)
PA resumes: 6/2014
Separated:8/2/2014

Offline Prdoll1072Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Trying to understand but hurts too much!
« Reply #59 on: January 16, 2015, 06:33:42 PM »
Thanks for your post mybrainisbroken I didn't see post ! I'm glad to know that I still have support in this crazy world! a2mbs thanks for your sharing your experience and think that you are right so I will continue to think that she still there therefore I don't need him to confirm and anyways in some shape or form they drop the ball anyway remember they can't keep up with their own lies and h won't admit it I have ask only if I come with proof that I she is still their will he admit it! I just don't understand these op how worthy are they of themselves that settle for less! It's really sad!

Offline Prdoll1072Topic starterTopic starter

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Where Do I Stand!
« Reply #60 on: April 08, 2015, 11:58:59 PM »
Hi everyone have posted in awhile ! I lost my last thread but I need some support or leadership. H and I had been doing better communication was amazing and he even said he still loves me and sees us together again! However these past two days have been like a second bd I found out ow is still in the picture when confronted him he stated that nothing he said to me was a lie but he just didn't want to hurt ow and I said what about what you have done to us! No reply just I know he saids I still see us together but we must both do it I said that's kinda difficult when someone else is in the middle! I told him I will leave it to God and would just continue the co parenting with kids but it hurts so much to hear that from him! I feel all those emotions again and I need some support please!

Offline MeNow

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Re: Where Do I Stand!
« Reply #61 on: April 09, 2015, 12:55:00 AM »
That's pretty generous of him don't you think?


Offline Anjae

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Re: Where Do I Stand!
« Reply #62 on: April 09, 2015, 06:50:44 PM »
Your thread was just a little down on the main board. I've merged t with your current one.

Like MeNow said, that really is generous of your husband, isn't it? This said, he is probably doing what many MLCers do, they know they love the LBS (so saying he loves you was not a lie), they really do not want to hurt OW feeling (may sound strange to us, but makes perfect sense for the MLC, and, if fact, since they already hurt us, they probably cannot, yet, hurting someone else's feelings).

Feel the emotions, own them, then, realease them. Storing the emotions is no good for us, remain attached to them also isn't.

You did good, telling your husband that you cannot see how he does to make things work between the two of you when there is still OW in the middle. Also well done on saying you still co-parenting.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Prdoll1072Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Where Do I Stand!
« Reply #63 on: April 10, 2015, 02:55:41 AM »
Thank you menow and anjae it's really nice to have your support and advice I just didn't understand it. I just feel really tired since my birthday in October I saw and experience a lot of touch and goes and until these past couple of days this is what I have been dealing with. I feel that OW is more important than I am right now and I really trying to detach myself but it's really hard when there"s co parenting I wouldn't hurt my children they have been through enough. He has celebrated every holiday and family event and sometimes I see a peek of the old h. I did tell him that if that was his happiness I understand I also said I am leaving this alone and I will not be treated like $h!te I deserve better and no one will destroy who I am when I love I truly love people in general as many of us on here we are very unique people!

Offline stayed

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Re: Where Do I Stand!
« Reply #64 on: April 10, 2015, 02:57:56 AM »
Your reaction was perfect PR.  You stated your boundary and you are absolutely correct to do so.  If OW is in the picture, then you simply cannot be there as well.  Some things, we just do not share! 

My h said exactly the same thing.  He didn't want to hurt the OW.  He even told me once, that "she had put a good YEAR into their relationship, after all, and she deserved some consideration!"   :o :o  Like you, I said, "wtf... what about how much you have hurt children and me?  1 (one) f*cking year, you've got to be kidding me h, I had 28+ in with you....  :o :o :o !"  Seriously, you couldn't make this $hit up... you just couldn't!

Get away from him PR.  Make it very clear, there will NEVER be a you and him, if OW is anywhere in the vicinity.  His choice! 

Hugs Stayed
Married 42yrs.
Reconciled July 5, 2006

"Don't be so open minded your brains fall out".  by Stephen A. Kallis, Jr.
"We believe marriage is sacred, but it is not our job to save marriages; it is our goal to empower each of you to save your own marriage."

Stayed Husband Letter
The Hero's Spouse Mission Statement
Survival Instructions for Newbies
The Mentor Program
LBS SCRIPT

Offline Pixiegirl

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Re: Where Do I Stand!
« Reply #65 on: April 11, 2015, 04:32:51 PM »
Stayed is right PR.

Even though H is having an online affair and Russian isn't physically here, he still plans on bringing Russian here and says its "true love"

Well then fine. But you say good bye to me H. I told him "you are in love. Concentrate and focus on that and leave S and I alone"

Leave him to his OW. His choice.

Offline Prdoll1072Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Where Do I Stand!
« Reply #66 on: April 15, 2015, 06:54:39 PM »
Please help me I need to remove h and ow from my headspace. There days where I'm just disgusted by the thought of them then there are days that I wonder if she is getting the same treatment I used to receive from my h! I know her birthday is approaching and wonder how he will celebrate it! I feel stronger but these are triggers that still affect me. I feel like I need to escape far away without even having to speak to him! He's a true clinger and has been getting better with his contact with the kids 14 months ago he wouldn't call the kids before school or after and see them once a week and every other weekend now he sees them two to three times a week every other weekend and when they have a break at school he takes them for the whole week! Any input on this would be greatly appreciated I feel lost and drained.

Offline Pixiegirl

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Re: Where Do I Stand!
« Reply #67 on: April 15, 2015, 07:35:47 PM »
PR,

I'm so sorry you are in this place. You should read RCR articles in infidelity.

When my mind would go racing I would try to read something positive for myself. Mostly telling myself to stop it and I would listen to sermon on healing and such.

Your H is living a fantasy life. Nothing he does is real with OW and everything he does is to serve his own purpose only. They live for approval of others and will stop at nothing to  feed themselves. This is a horrible unhappy way to live.

Try not to let your mind wander and think for one minute he is happy.

Offline stayed

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Re: Where Do I Stand!
« Reply #68 on: April 16, 2015, 12:15:36 AM »
What I did prdoll!  I promised myself a full hour or hour and half, of absolute, full out, wallowing and misery, IF I STOPPED THINKING ABOUT HIM/THEM, at this moment.  I banned myself from thinking about them any time but that hour or so where I could do it COMPLETE JUSTICE!

In that hour, I would scream into pillow, beat up pillow... sob and wail... to my hearts content. 

I did it early enough in the evening, so that I could calm myself down, with a quiet glass of wine and some none intrusive TV or music.  (No sad movies or musical ballads about "lost loves"... no, no, no!)

I loved my hour or two of absolute self indulged PITY!  I loved it so much, that I would stop thinking about him/them in an instant, when I would threaten myself with NO PITY PARTY TONIGHT...

That's what I did.  I worked really good for me! 

Hugs Stayed
Married 42yrs.
Reconciled July 5, 2006

"Don't be so open minded your brains fall out".  by Stephen A. Kallis, Jr.
"We believe marriage is sacred, but it is not our job to save marriages; it is our goal to empower each of you to save your own marriage."

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Offline Prdoll1072Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Where Do I Stand!
« Reply #69 on: April 16, 2015, 04:00:11 PM »
Hi ladies thanks for all the support . I want to let it out but kids are around and I havent cried infront of them in a long time. I just wanna rip them out of my mind they don't deserve my head space. It's just I guess when we cycle we think of the way things were and wish we still had it. I have been lonely not for sex just the companionship and someone giving me a hug or you look great today have a great day I'll miss you I think that's what I miss most. H always had me on a pedestal as many of you here I'm sure and I just got put down and boxed and shipped with the words destroy her! I'm trying to cry as I'm writing but can't let much out because kids are home. Stayed and Pixie you ladies are amazing and your words really help but this pain is unbearable!

Offline Pixiegirl

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Re: Where Do I Stand!
« Reply #70 on: April 17, 2015, 05:51:55 AM »
PR,
I feel your pain and its true, we just have to walk this journey and feel our pain. Its the only way to heal ourselves. Old Pilot and other talk about the gift of time. I was hard headed and thought I will just push through this as fast as I can and get over it.

It truly doesn't work that way. We are forced to find healthy ways of coping and dealing with it.
It's a grieving process and I think we must go there and think about the life we did have. We already know trying to forget it doesn't work as the MLCer has shown us that.

As I watch my H destroy himself and his life I remind myself of "what NOT to do"

I hope you can find some time alone to cry it out. I think its important to do so as I believe crying cleanses the soul. It is a release of pent up emotions.

Offline Prdoll1072Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Where Do I Stand!
« Reply #71 on: April 19, 2015, 02:32:16 AM »
Thanks pixie! This weekend has taken long to pass or maybe I just think it is. I know I shouldn't but I'm imagining her getting all the treatment I got on my birthday. H called yesterday morning to give a boohoo story about an employee who gave his two weeks notice but decided to just leave h had to go to work I think it made him angry because it messed up his plans a little. So I just listen and said wow now you working the whole weekend which we all know is a lie. H always calls every night however Friday and Saturday he called early and when confronted he said he was with some old roommates what a liar. I think that's the hardest for me at this point not only ow but why lie if you are so happy. I really don't understand ow either settling so easy I can see you one weekend but can't see you the other and h does really what h wants I know as women we ask many questions of who what and why and this doesn't seem to be the case. H spent no holiday with her everything was with me and the kids and of course their birthdays! How do you settle for something like that. I still haven't really been able to cry but I am proud of myself I see a difference in my reactions to last year compare to now I'm coping better by his actions. Is this normal or is it something else.

Offline Prdoll1072Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Where Do I Stand!
« Reply #72 on: April 19, 2015, 02:29:06 PM »
Today I'm feeling really lonely and down can anyone give me some advice I really want to snoop around.

Offline Pixiegirl

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Re: Where Do I Stand!
« Reply #73 on: April 19, 2015, 07:02:51 PM »
I don't know whats normal anymore PR. LOL. I had to laugh at myself but its true. I don't know why they turn in to such liars. You can call them out on it and have evidence and they will still lie. Not only to us but to everyone. OR they blame their behavior on drinking or mental illness or us or the sun isn't shining or its raining. Shesh!!!

It sounds like your H just plays OW for when he wants his ego stroked. He just keeps her hanging.

My H hasn't spent one holiday with us in a year. We are coming up on the one year mark in the beginning of May. He spent every holiday alone texting me and S the whole time. What sense does that make. I know he isn't lying because I saw the posts on FB. People invited him but he said no. And made sure he let people know he was all alone. PITY party for one I guess.

I think as time goes on we either get used to the things they do and expect it and that's what helps us cope or we get numb to all of it. At least that's how I feel about it. You will cry when the time comes. If you don't feel like crying there isn't anything wrong with that either. I have said time and again I've cried enough to have my own river.

Offline Prdoll1072Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Where Do I Stand!
« Reply #74 on: April 20, 2015, 05:14:11 PM »
Thanks pixie. Today I been very antsy and disgusted. I really don't want to see h today h will be bye today to see the kids and just the thought of looking at him makes me upset. Is this normal to feel or am I detaching from the drama. I feel really exhausted with all this drama and I don't understand how they live with themselves after all of this it's such a shame life is too short to live like this. I wish right now that I never married him that he would just go away. I don't know how to detach when the kids are involve can you give me any advice. As I write this I finally have let out my tears why me why us. Why only these beautiful people on this forum understand my pain and all my love ones don't understand what I'm doing.

Offline Prdoll1072Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Where Do I Stand!
« Reply #75 on: April 22, 2015, 03:02:08 AM »
Hello to all I'm not myself I feel that I lost that these couple two weeks it feels very weird my emotions. Part of me wants to still stand and another just wants to let it all go. When h came by Monday I was very distant he kept talking and saying hey you hear me never calls me by my name always says hey or kids call mommy to get my attention. H says you know that trip we went to back in 2008 with my job they bringing it back and I'm going to pick Florida so we can all go I just looked at him and didn't say anything except that's nice. Yesterday h called he said just came out the bar had a couple of drinks and now I'm on my way home he also told me that the day before he also drank I said wow two in a row take it easy it's the beginning of the week he said things are very stressful at work I said yeah but there's other ways of letting it out. H stood quite and changed the conversation to something else. I said ok we talk tomorrow bye and hung up.

Offline Prdoll1072Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Where Do I Stand!
« Reply #76 on: April 23, 2015, 04:54:29 PM »
Where's everyone!

Offline Pixiegirl

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Re: Where Do I Stand!
« Reply #77 on: April 24, 2015, 11:27:52 AM »
I don't know PR. When I was feeling like that , it felt like I was fighting myself not to detach and let go. I exhausted myself with it until I gave in. But that's just me . I feel indifferent towards H. I don't feel emotionally connected to him anymore. Intellectually I am still there . I feel like my brain hasn't let go. If that makes sense?

I get the feelings now of disgust and I don't want to see him but I'm not angry about it. Just plain shaking my head at the nonsense.

I cried a lot PR. Don't beat yourself up over it. You are grieving. Just as the MLCer has to walk the journey of "the only way out is through" I believe we Re the same.

Offline Prdoll1072Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Where Do I Stand!
« Reply #78 on: May 17, 2015, 05:20:25 AM »
Haven't posted in a while! Thanks pixie! Well a lot has happen h got busted for dui and really went into a depression even made a statement that he wanted to shoot himself I told him to think of the kids! He said that the kids and me are the ones who are preventing it he didn't want to put that pain onto us! At that moment I took advantage and told him to seek help for himself and figure out what has caused him this much pain for him to be drinking and driving and just not really living life as a normal person! He stood quiet and called us everyday! He's in court right now license has been taken away he has a lawyer with the help of his boss who's loves h a lot and all h has done through this whole ordeal is bad mouth him with his new friends! He's due back in court in June let's see what happens! H said he spoke with his old roommate who has experience dui and told him there is light at the end of the tunnel but it made him a changed person! H spent Mother's Day with me made it really nice with him and the kids! He comes to see the kids now through train and bicycle and is trying to adjust his new style of life don't know where this will lead us but still don't see any sign of hope!

Offline Prdoll1072Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Where Do I Stand!
« Reply #79 on: August 02, 2015, 06:42:12 AM »
I miss everyones opinion i have posted so many times and no replies or advice!

Online Mitzpah

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Re: Where Do I Stand!
« Reply #80 on: August 02, 2015, 12:37:04 PM »
Prdoll,

It has been a long time... How are you?

M 58
H 58
S 27
D 24
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline Prdoll1072Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Where Do I Stand!
« Reply #81 on: August 03, 2015, 03:27:41 AM »
Hi miztpah from my previous threads still on the mlc I have learned to detach myself but their are times when it's hard to see the one you loved just destroy themselves. I will post more I'm running late for work! Thanks for checking on me but I need to vent some more please help

Online Mitzpah

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Re: Where Do I Stand!
« Reply #82 on: August 03, 2015, 04:54:41 AM »
I have learned to detach myself but their are times when it's hard to see the one you loved just destroy themselves.

Maybe you need to detach more?

Perhaps I am not the best advice around for detaching, however, you cannot allow your husband's crisis to control your life.

He needs to be allowed space to work things out for himself and you just stand back and, if possible, look the other way.

I pray for my h. every day, but I know very little about his life. The kids see him quite frequently (not as much as they would like, though :() and he rarely, if ever, contacts me.

Maybe that makes it easier, I don't see him or hear much about him so it is easier to leave him in God's hands while I get on with the business of living.

M 58
H 58
S 27
D 24
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline Prdoll1072Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Where Do I Stand!
« Reply #83 on: August 03, 2015, 06:02:42 PM »
Yes I know I have been really confused on whether or not to give up. I have question him in the sense of asking does he see us together again and if he still has feelings for his answer is yes but there's no movement. He said it feels awkward because we haven't been together in a year and a half . I ask what do you mean awkward but he really can't describe it . I do see a change in him but not enough to make me believe there's hope. He's with the kids more today he got part of his driving privileges back he can drive to and from work Friday he has to 9:00 to be on the road and if he needs to get to our daughters school he can. He was very excited because now he doesn't need someone from work. I was genuinely happy for him but very confused on what to do next. I have had some down days where I just feel down and get tearful and pray to God to make me stronger everyday. I have come a long way as many of had I'm doing alot of gal I was really flattered this 34 year old was looking at me and actually approach me and send some nice things to me which made me feel amazing and I'm still attractive even if it's not my h wonder I
How he would react if he ever saw me talking with someone else.

Offline Prdoll1072Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Where Do I Stand!
« Reply #84 on: August 11, 2015, 05:30:27 PM »
Hi all just need some pointers really down!

Offline Prdoll1072Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Where Do I Stand!
« Reply #85 on: August 20, 2015, 03:28:51 PM »
Hi all I need some advice to get out of this funk I'm in! Please reply I feel so alone

Online Mitzpah

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Re: Where Do I Stand!
« Reply #86 on: August 20, 2015, 04:05:17 PM »
(((Hugs ))))

I know. This is a lonely walk.

We can all relate, I am sure. Remember, you are not alone. There are many going through this. We just have to keep picking ourselves up and moving forward.

Find things to be grateful for. A pretty scene, a smile, acup of coffee at the right time, a relaxing shower/bath... There is so much to be thankful for.
Do something that makes you feel good.
Take a walk outside.
Smile at someone, ask them how they are, and listen...
Slowly, you will find things that will pull you up and forward.
M 58
H 58
S 27
D 24
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline Prdoll1072Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Where Do I Stand!
« Reply #87 on: August 25, 2015, 04:31:25 AM »
Hi mitzpah thank you. So heres the latest about h ow is still around . He told me he was going to boston with a guy at work so i did my snooping and found out it was with ow she post a pic of both of them and posted that h is her best friend she loves him and its for infinity i felt like a mess all over again. I confronted h and he was speechless the alien look i ask him to explain he said im going to break up with her i still love you admitted that he went through mlc but he knows what he has to do. H also said he was there but not really there that he wished it was me and the kids. I said really but for what i see she has a whole different story and until he decides what hes going to do i need to let go i reminded him of everythiing i went through i needed to for me and he says i know the pain i caused and im sorry. He also said thats hes afraid i will never forgive him and i will always bring up the past. I said your not ready whenyou are ready you will be able to hear and understand my pain our pain that you created. I said what went wrong in our marriage he said if i knew we wouldnt be here. I couldnt sleep and he didnt want to leave all i could say was im sorry and he said what are you sorry about and i said if for any reason you felt i was not a good wife to you he said no. He then says we need to move slow i then asked for a hug because i so needed one i felt like i was going to have a panic attack and i wanted to control myself and feel in control and i just wanted to be hugged.

Offline Prdoll1072Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Where Do I Stand!
« Reply #88 on: August 25, 2015, 09:40:37 AM »
I woud like some feedback i know there are many of us here but i really need something im at work and cant hold up much longer.

Offline Prdoll1072Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Where Do I Stand!
« Reply #89 on: August 25, 2015, 01:11:54 PM »
I know everyone must think I'm losing it but I just need some lifting I'm down at the moment had to leave work early because I couldn't cope. I just need to be reassured that I'm not alone and losing it !

Online Mitzpah

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Re: Where Do I Stand!
« Reply #90 on: August 25, 2015, 01:29:36 PM »
Prdoll,

I am also at work. Rest assured you are not alone.
All of us are going through similar circumstances, it is not easy when our lives have been turned upside down.

I had to go and renegotiate the house taxes early this morning, then I dropped by the registrar office where we got married to find out if the divorce has been published because my h. insists that I change my name back to my maiden name. I found out that it has been published. I need to find some cash to pay for a copy in order to start changing my name on all my documents - the name I have had for 31 years. None of this is easy.

I still stand. I love my h. I believe in miracles and so I go on.

Many probably think I am losing it! So don't worry...

I think you need to stand back from all the drama that your h. is dragging you into. Try to take the focus off him and what he is doing. Concentrate on yourself and your life, your job. There is nothing you can do or say to hurry him out of his crisis.
M 58
H 58
S 27
D 24
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline Prdoll1072Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Where Do I Stand!
« Reply #91 on: August 25, 2015, 02:39:38 PM »
Thank you mitzpah I just keep remembering her words in that pic and it's tearing me up inside. I love my h like so many here and when you try to do all to distract yourself and move on with your own life it's hurts the core. I will not let h destroy my core person I have always been loving and caring that is my nature that makes me me and I cannot allow h to take that away! I sometimes just want to pack up and leave but he has done such a turn around with the kids that I know it will destroy them for me to go too far they love us both and from last year to this year he has been a father to them again he has had them with him on his vacations he has also taken them for weeks at a time and I see how the kids love it the only person missing is me even the dogs are part of the sharing rights and I'm lefted alone and afraid. I need to learn and go back to detachment and dark!

Offline stayed

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Re: Where Do I Stand!
« Reply #92 on: August 26, 2015, 01:57:22 PM »
Most of all Prdoll, be kind to yourself.  Sure you let your expectations get out of hand at times... sometimes just when you think you have finally managed to detach... wham... something is said, or done and groan, there are those horrible lost feelings of rejection, unworthiness, etc. etc. 

That's when you must be extra specially kind to yourself.  When that happens, sit yourself down and said... ah gad dang it... I DID IT AGAIN... DIDN''T... ugggh... Wish I could just stop caring about what HAPPENS to my MLCer, not going to happen over night.  Just consider yourself a really NICE person, cause in spite of all the nasty crap he has subjected you to, you still care enough about him, to WANT HIM TO GET WELL AGAIN. Honestly, after some of the stunts these MLCers pull, we could be FORGIVEN for wishing, excruciating pain come to their most delicate bits. 

You're doing fine Prdoll.... just fine. 

Hugs Stayed...
Married 42yrs.
Reconciled July 5, 2006

"Don't be so open minded your brains fall out".  by Stephen A. Kallis, Jr.
"We believe marriage is sacred, but it is not our job to save marriages; it is our goal to empower each of you to save your own marriage."

Stayed Husband Letter
The Hero's Spouse Mission Statement
Survival Instructions for Newbies
The Mentor Program
LBS SCRIPT

Offline Prdoll1072Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Where Do I Stand!
« Reply #93 on: August 26, 2015, 03:11:27 PM »
Thank you stayed! I wanted to ask you since you have reconcile did your h ever say he didn't want to be with ow at that moment or that he was trying to let go of that relationship and didn't want to be mean or hurtful at doing it but he needed to do it! H was saying you don't understand it was like I was there but I wasn't I wanted to be there with you and the kids!

Offline Prdoll1072Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Where Do I Stand!
« Reply #94 on: August 29, 2015, 06:31:48 AM »
Hello everyone made God continue to give us strength and guidance because I really don't  know how we deal with so much pain! The worst of all this is when your emotions start we do cycle a lot and makes it even more confusing and it's something that none of us deserve because yes our lives may not have been perfect but we were in control of handling them this is just too painful! Just venting and knowing God is on my side

Offline Prdoll1072Topic starterTopic starter

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Still trying to understand
« Reply #95 on: March 17, 2017, 02:37:22 AM »
Hi I've been at this for 3years now what a roller coaster! I have a clinging boomerang and it's been the hardest thing in the world. I never thought I would still be here when I first got here I was advice this is a long journey never thought this long. Well here's my story! H 43 M44 we have 27s 16d 13s and now two dogs. I have learned to detached and realize this is his journey but if you get to close its so exhausting watching this play over. I believe monster is gone I see more the teenager still looking for approval. Still has replay antics but still wants the family time which sometimes can feel like cake eating. I do have boundaries I remove myself from something I don't like and make home aware. I recently receive this text from him and I need my forum family help.
H: So just wanted to let you know that I do miss you,and miss seeing a smile on your face,you deserve it,you have always been loving and the best wife.we did stray away from each other, never working on that of the relationship.At times I doubt if the relationship is recoverable because of the past history. Will you always doubt me? Will you always have it in the back of your mind? How will we react to each other physically and emotionally? I'm just a firetrucking mess and surprise you still love me as you do.
M: You are right we never took care of our relationship between work and kids I thoughtl we had it all! I thought that was enough but as you grow you learn that you also are important to each other and must make that time for the both of us! Will I always doubt you no why because I fell in love with my best friend and I know he took no part in this! Will it be in the back of my mind no again that was not my best friend nor my husband! The physical and emotional part takes work takes a marriage and love to work it out! I didn't think you would be surprise to see me still here because you have always known me inside out!
That's how I ended the text.

I don't know if ow is still there he denies it!
My boundaries have been that if I find out in any way he will no longer be in my life! If I don't like the way he's acting I don't reply to phone or text!
I think I have come a long way though I still have my down moments I pick myself up again and put the mask and continue to live life as best as I can. My children keep me going and I do a little gal every once in while. I really haven't had a weekend to myself because he's always around sometimes he will even come around when it's his weekend rarely but he does! Please share your thought about this  text that took place and provide any feedback!

Offline BrenM

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Re: Where Do I Stand!
« Reply #96 on: March 17, 2017, 05:20:49 AM »

H: So just wanted to let you know that I do miss you,and miss seeing a smile on your face,you deserve it,you have always been loving and the best wife.we did stray away from each other, never working on that of the relationship.At times I doubt if the relationship is recoverable because of the past history. Will you always doubt me? Will you always have it in the back of your mind? How will we react to each other physically and emotionally? I'm just a firetrucking mess and surprise you still love me as you do.. We all know why lol 🤣

M: You are right we never took care of our relationship between work and kids I thoughtl we had it all! I thought that was enough but as you grow you learn that you also are important to each other and must make that time for the both of us! Will I always doubt you no why because I fell in love with my best friend and I know he took no part in this! Will it be in the back of my mind no again that was not my best friend nor my husband! The physical and emotional part takes work takes a marriage and love to work it out! I didn't think you would be surprise to see me still here because you have always known me inside out!
That's how I ended the text.

Prdoll you rocked at your replies girlfriend...let me high five you woman 🤚.  If you comments don't pull at his heart strings well he surely isn't cooked yet 😘.  You were concise and straight to the point.  Well done woman 😘
Me 47
Him 47
OW 32
Married - 20 years
Together - 28 years
BD - Nov 2014 - reason for affair said I controlled his life, wore flannelette pyjama pants to bed and drove our family car 🤔
Moved in with Young OW and her 2 kids Jan 2015
Total Vanisher
Divorced Sept 2016
S21, S17, S16 (autism), D14

🌹🌹Let's be real...Bren is the only one who can do Bren. I'm the best Bren on the planet. Trying to turn a skank into a Bren? That will surely end in disappointment, if it hasn't already.🌹🌹

❤❤Family isn't an important thing.  IT IS EVERYTHING!! ❤❤



Vanished Return Stories Thread #1 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9088.0;all
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