[UnconditionalLove]

I found a mixture of songs in my H car that was given to him about his A who is 32.  All love songs of course. When I said something about it all I got was they were?  My H is completely convinced he's in his 30's.

[blackice]

that's funny, my h has always listened to rock off and on but was always more of a rap person. thing is along with these new bands, he really listens hard core to the bands i always listen to. pearl jam being the main one. he started singing to be more like chris cornell because he remembered i liked his voice and now he is trying to be like eddie veddar.

the whole singing thing happened because ow 1 mentioned he should do it. i want to find her and slap her.

[confused_but_trying]

Rookie and blackice,

It mad me laugh when you talked about Five Finger Death Punch.  Not that there is ANYTHING funny about any of this, but that is the type of music I have always liked.  My X was into country and 70's music, mainly.  Hated hard rock and thought it was a lot of noise.

When he first went into his crisis he started downloading music by Disturbed, Charm City Devils, Godsmack and many other hard rock groups.  What?  He hated that kind of noise!  Bought an IPod so he could listen to his music at home.  Even sang along with the songs. (my poor ears)  lol

It took him about 2 years and he's now back to Eddie Rabbit and his mellow music.   

I just thought this was significant to mention because it shows you what chaos is going on in their head when they are is crisis.  The music is noisy, aggressive, twisted and loud, just like their mind is.

Hang in, it gets better.  It's not who they really are.  They just need time to work through their chaotic mess.
The personalities you see now are them trying to be someone completely different from who they were.  Their in a fantasy at the moment.  Can't live in a fantasy forever.

I'm almost 37 and listen to Disturbed; although I admit I have been listening to the hard rock a lot more lately than I used to.  I find it extremely therapeutic right now for some reason.  I supoose I am just angry/confused and the loud agressive music helps me deal with my situation.  I love listening to it when I'm in the gym; it pumps me up! 

I wouldn't necessarily say that listening to hard rock is a sign of MLC, but I will say that it may be a red flag if your spouse never listened to it before or hated it before and is now suddenly into it.  It could be that the OW/OM is into that music and they are trying to be into the same things.

[Thunder]

Love Pearl Jam...and yes, she deserves a slap.  LOL

Mine wore head phones so he couldn't hear himself.  He has a lot of talents but singing is NOT one of them.   
So glad he quit doing that.

[Thunder]

I agree, confused.  If they never listened to it before, it could be the sign of outside interests influencing.

I think my X just felt younger and hipper by listening to this kind of music.  He's back to mellow now.  Way too mellow for me.  : )

BTW, I love Disturbed, too.

[Rookie13]

I agree also Confused,

For my ex though it is/was one red flag amongst many. She loved country and 70 -80's rock n roll. I can pinpoint now my ex started to change when she used to take our then D15 to concerts geared to teenagers (Fall Out Boy)... She became 'interested' in 'heavier' music with the dude she is with now and to me is just mirroring him like she mirrored me with sports. My now D22 went with her/them last month to see 'five finger death punch' and she walked out after about an hour and drove herself home. She was a little disturbed by the music and her mums behavior although my D22 loves 'Alice in chains'.

I will know I am 'changing' as soon as my taste in music changes! 

[UnconditionalLove]

Mirroring?
This seems to be my H's biggest issue. He is on big mirror. He can't seem to figure out who he is. He mirrors friends, me, family. He's like that movie where Julie Roberts would eat the same eggs style as her boyfriends. She never knew though how she liked her eggs.  My H is like that.  He just doesn't know who he is. We have talked about that and I have tried over the years to figure out who he is deep down. I really think this is one issue that is bringing on his MLC along with a few other things.

NOW, he has this OW and I know he will mirror her in everything she does, feel, loves, likes and interest. I already see it. I know he left his job because she didn't like the school. He took on her dislike. I see other things where he has done this, music, research, conspiracies, etc.  He is so guided by her.

[blackice]

my h's ow mirrors him, its so weird, she is like a blank slate. she says things he says, tries the laugh the way he laughs its pathetic. she has no original thoughts or arguments, she uses movie quotes to try to insult you and make small talk with, she is the most boring person i have met in my life. no ambitions or goals or motivation.

[MeNow]

Why would your wife fall under that category? Are you about to move on? Do you think she will not come out of crisis? Yes, LBS tend to grow and a point comes when the LBS and the MLCer are not compatible anymore. Of course that, like with everything, there are exceptions. And, yet, we are told that MLC is a growing process and the MLCer will be a more mature, better person when the crisis is over. In a way, yes, but in my view they still have not grow as much as the LBS.

All MLCers I have come across, in the board stories and real life, were not able to call off the affair. One of the characteristics of MLC affair is that it does not end by the reasons normal affairs ends (spouse finds out, children are taken in consideration, the cheater realises the mistake). Since both you and your OW called it out it is a different affair from the ones our MLCer have.

The difference between MLC and midlife transition is important. The first is a years long situation with gigantic consequences and damages, the second can include an affair but is a mild thing. Most sites and blogs label midlife transition MLC and say it last about 6 months to a year and that the affair will soon end. That is not the case with MLC. I understand the affair can be like a drug but I find it very hard to believe that those that spend several years living with OW/OM do not see what they are doing and that they fail to see what OW/OM is. And once one is living daily life no more fantasy, so, a MLC affair really is a odd thing.

From what we read here on the board and from real life MLCers I know children do not factor in the decision of leaving/staying. Children may cross their mind but they do not stop a MCLer from leaving, from carry on the affair or from live with OW/OM.

MLCers leave in a world of emotions, but, again, it is a little hard to believe said emotions can run someone’s life for 5,6,7,8 or more years.

You are absolutely correct in all that you have said. After many years with OP, it's not emotions running the show anymore. There could be several reasons why they stay. I think LBSs would do well to analyze whether spouse seems happy with new life or not (after considerable period of time). WAS may have guilt/pride and feel like they can't come back or guilty to leave OP especially if kids involved. They may have issues that prevent them. I also think they comfortable, not happy but comfortable in their situation. One other thing is they may not want to go through the trauma of breaking up a relationship and all that involves again.

I believe my W was the one who most likely was more MLC than me. She told me herself my affair was a deal breaker. She followed through completely with it, never looking back and never giving me an ounce of hope.
She seems to be in another phase of her journey. She's stopped the wild behavior and spends most of her time alone now.

As for me, I'm focusing on me and my life. I'm wanting to move out of the "stuck" stage. I'm ok being alone and not actively seeking another. I'd like to have someone special to grow old with but I don't need it. So I will take things as they come and see where life takes me. I'm realizing there are many amazing people out there.

Best

     

[MeNow]

my h's ow mirrors him, its so weird, she is like a blank slate. she says things he says, tries the laugh the way he laughs its pathetic. she has no original thoughts or arguments, she uses movie quotes to try to insult you and make small talk with, she is the most boring person i have met in my life. no ambitions or goals or motivation.

I call it pretzeling. Twisting yourself into someone else to try to please another. LBSs tend to do it to win spouse back and WAS does it to please OP. In the end, leads to unhappiness because it's not the real you.