[blackice]

i have heard other people call it that too. i never did it. i just started being myself again after being sick and miserable for so long it freaked h out. he told me he didn't trust my changes but he sees now they are permanent and one of the reasons he keeps coming after me. doofus. i had told him for years i was sick and trying to get better and once i did i would be myself again. once i do my world falls apart and he loses his mind.

[Rookie13]

I agree with the pretzeling MeNow..

My ex is a classic. She brought nothing into our R at 18. Took to my parents as her own and mirrored everything my family did and condoned everything her family did ( her family has LOADS of FOO and dysfunction). She is now in her 'rightful place' (shadow??). She behaves just like her family members the ones she held below her for 20 years and 'b!tc#ed' about for 20 years. She has 'slid' right in with them. And they are mostly appalled by her and her actions as for 20 years she presented herself differently and as the 'good one' and were jealous of her. Now she is off her 'pedestal' with her family and receives no 'special attention' like she used to get.

Do I think she is happy?? Nope! Scared as hell to being abandoned so she mirrors everything in her BF? Yep....

[MyBrainIsBroken]

For my ex though it is/was one red flag amongst many. She loved country and 70 -80's rock n roll. I can pinpoint now my ex started to change when she used to take our then D15 to concerts geared to teenagers (Fall Out Boy)...

I will know I am 'changing' as soon as my taste in music changes! 

My W liked mellow rock when we first met (Journey, Foreigner), then became a big country music fan during the 80s. Now my granddaughter says W spends a lot of time listening to the kind of boy band music early and pre-teen girls like. Supposedly, her favorite song now is one called Amnesia that is about someone who wished they could wake up with amnesia so they could forget about their past and the song's refrain is "I'm really not fine at all".

OTOH, my 13yo granddaughter and I seem to have the same tastes in music now. We both love bands like Staind, Maroon Five, Daughtry, Nickelback, and our favorite group is Evanescence.

[MyBrainIsBroken]

The difference between MLC and midlife transition is important. The first is a years long situation with gigantic consequences and damages, the second can include an affair but is a mild thing. Most sites and blogs label midlife transition MLC and say it last about 6 months to a year and that the affair will soon end. That is not the case with MLC. I understand the affair can be like a drug but I find it very hard to believe that those that spend several years living with OW/OM do not see what they are doing and that they fail to see what OW/OM is. And once one is living daily life no more fantasy, so, a MLC affair really is a odd thing.

MLCers leave in a world of emotions, but, again, it is a little hard to believe said emotions can run someone’s life for 5,6,7,8 or more years.

You are absolutely correct in all that you have said. After many years with OP, it's not emotions running the show anymore. There could be several reasons why they stay. I think LBSs would do well to analyze whether spouse seems happy with new life or not (after considerable period of time). WAS may have guilt/pride and feel like they can't come back or guilty to leave OP especially if kids involved. They may have issues that prevent them. I also think they comfortable, not happy but comfortable in their situation. One other thing is they may not want to go through the trauma of breaking up a relationship and all that involves again.

The difference between a transition and a crisis have to do with the amount of denial / avoidance. I went through a fairly severe transition a couple of years ago that didn't turn into a crisis because I started therapy and at one time was reading as many as ten self-help books simultaneously trying to figure out what was wrong with me.

The affair and other Replay behaviors are all about avoidance. The MLCer is trying to deny that they're aging and that they have issues (FOO) they need to deal with. I think the ones that go long term do so because they refuse to do the work that will allow them to move on so they become stuck within the tunnel. Read the article about Limbo. I don't encourage my D31 to rip into my wife periodically like she does but I'm not sorry she does it because I think her rants blast through my W's fog and keep her moving through the tunnel without allowing her to become complacent and stuck in Limbo. I do notice forward progress usually occurs shortly after my D tears into my W about her behavior.

Limbo
http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/standing-actions_progress_back-limbo-forward_limbo.html

[MeNow]

When MeNow said the LBS was still innocent I took it not to mean in the "young and naive" sense but in the innocent vs. guilty sense.  The MLCer will always be guilty of having had the affair and the LBS (in most cases) will always be able to carry their innocence of not having done the same.

Hi SK,

This is correct.

[toysaplenty]

I was married for 21 years to my husband. We restored a Victorian home together. We went on all kinds of weird vacations together. We collected weird antiquities. We put on gigantic elaborate Halloween and Christmas shows at our house for the town. It is wall to wall traffic on our street for our shows. When he would walk in a store, little kids would run up to him and hug him and say Mom it's the Halloween house guy! We were on the tv news and in the paper for our displays. We rescued blind and handicapped dogs for 15 years. We had big Halloween parties for 120 people every year that everyone talked about because they were so fun and elaborate. Our house looks like the Addams family house on the inside and people would knock on our door and ask us if they could have a tour of our house. Our backyard looks like a Hawaiian tiki village. My husband was so proud of all of this. We were best friends, we did everything together. And then he had his MLC at 47. Told me, we've had an amazing 21 years together and now I want a completely different 20 years. Now he smokes pot and drinks and does pills and sits in a bar every night with his OW whom he just married last weekend. I had a complete nervous breakdown when he left a year ago. I am so much better now, healing up nicely, learning to live without him, but the hardest thing is I just can't get past the OW. She has no education. She works 2 days a week as a bartender in a ghetto bar. She has done absolutely nothing with her life. No achievements, no charity work of any kind, no contribution to society, just always smoked pot and sat at bars. She is 42 and owns nothing. How do you own not a thing after 42 years on this earth? She has no close friends only bar associates. She destroyed her first husband emotionally and financially. I will never understand the attraction there, other than she has an overpowering personality and he likes the drug and alcohol scene now I guess. My thinking is that no matter where he goes or what he does, he will never be able to shake the memory of me and the interesting life we had together. I was introduced to someone who hangs out at the bars he frequents and they told me that he walks around and shows people pictures of his Halloween displays and tiki bar. Things he no longer owns - I own them. All of his drug and bar memories are all going to blend into one and the only memorable things he will have in his mind is the amazing things we did with our life together. Using logic and psychology, and putting my insecurities aside, I truly believe the memory of me, our house, our dogs, and all we did, will haunt him. I truly believe that one day he will wake up from this and see this POS OW for what she really is. Him and I, we essentially grew up together, embarked on the world as young adults together, did awesome things that most people would like to do but never do. I don't think he will ever be able to forget me. The OW is so overpowering and he is so spineless now, I don't know if he will ever have the cajones to leave her. Honestly, I think she will cheat on him or leave him for a stronger personality with more money. I think my husband is just a stepping stone for her to try and have money. She tells anyone that will listen that she was born to be rich. Yet she has never had a dime. I just want to get past the OW. She is the only ghost I have haunting me right now. I hope someday she will not occupy any space in my head. I just cannot wrap my mind around the fact that she is such an incredible loser and he is obsessed with her.

[twiceburnt]

Toysaplenty, it is very hard to understand their attraction to the OP.  I struggled with that for a long time.  I mean OM1 was a drunk, a contractor that screwed people over (he isn't allowed in my best friend's town anymore due to how many people he screwed, and there was an ad in the paper warning about him and his brother -  complete loser and every woman I talked to said he was ugly compared to me lol).

I lost 25 lbs in a month initially - stress, anxiety, and barely eating.  And then I began lifting weights heavily once my appetite came back (I used to lift casually, but not like this).  I was ripped after a few months...it STILL didn't matter.  Then I figured it was something emotional I was/wasn't doing...and then I gave up and realized it wasn't about me.  Nothing I did mattered.

I honestly think they get so depressed, that their emotional state lowers to the point of the OP's state.  They refuse to blame themselves, so they blame you.  And in your case, he ran to somebody completely opposite of you - probably due to the blame.  If he's going to "start over", he probably figured it would be best to start over with someone the opposite of you thinking that would "fix" everything inside of him.

But don't worry, your H's OW sounds like what my W has become (other than the drugs, I don't think she's doing that).  Well, she was on phentramine (sp?) for weight loss.  It is an amphetamine that curbs your appetite and I read about its crazy side effects (angry at your spouse for no apparent reason, etc.).  She didn't need to lose weight I didn't think, but whatever.

Since she is opposite of your H, I don't see it lasting, especially how it started out.  I'm guessing your H was reserved and relatively quiet like I am (at least until you get a few beers in me lol)?  There were a lot of things that annoyed me about my W (also an Aries like OW), but I accepted them - and we started out with a clean slate.  Those annoyances will hit your H hard one day.  I have no doubt she'll cheat on him eventually...or at least he'll be extremely paranoid of her.

He will remember the life he had.  He will remember the things he enjoyed to do.  It will take a while, and the OW will probably destroy him before that happens, but you can't control that.  So try not to worry about her.  She hit an emotional cord in him somewhere in the middle of his depression/crisis, and that is it.  It isn't true love like you and your H had.  It is hormones/chemicals, depression, etc.  She is like a drug, and that's all.  She's merely a human sized pill or drink. 

[UnconditionalLove]

My husband was asigned A for a research project that started summer of 2013. I knew right up front this was not a good idea. We talked about it not being a good idea. There was conflict from the start with it.

I never worried about this kind of stuff with my husband before but for some reason my gut said, this isn't going to turn out right. Something happened between that time till March 2014 when he made the first calls. From those first calls off started the EA. Then April BD and divorce talks. He has nver waiver from that point.  Everything in our past was my fault and he wants out of the marriage.

What slowed him down was money. So, he cashed in our retirement. Then I had to get an attorney to protect myself.

Now, here it is October, He got mad because I canceled our Mediation for an emergency hearing because he quit his job and now we have no medical benefit.
He moved some of his stuff out a week ago Tuesday. Now, looking back I think he moved out stuff to move to OW's state. I think he's thinking our divorce is going to happen sooner than later.  I haven't heard from him since he left.

Out of all of this and it all breaks my heart because like so many we had a great marriage. But, what I lose hope about is...He never waiver with the divorce. He never goes back and forth, he's just so into the OW thinking I'm guessing that he's completely in love with her and is going to make a future with her.

He has never waivered or should me any hope of being confused about his decision to be with her or maybe stay with me. But, up untill now we were staying in the same apartment, gooding to dinner still together, being friends.  I guess he was cake eating. 

He has cause so many issues because he isn't thinking right.  He has been with OW now from 11 days playing house in her state. He should be on his way back. I don't know I haven't heard from him.  But, I think I might have me a man who has been so quiet about his thoughts for so long that when he hit MLC and made his decision with OW that he isn't budging on his decisions to leave me.  He's very confident right or wrong in what he chooses to do.  MLC has made him confident to say what's on his mind if you ask him, find fault with me. Having a 32 year old has given him confidence and made him cocky too. 

What hurts the most is his not doubting.  I wish I had someone wanting to come back and forth back into the house. I wish he would give me signed of doubt.  I wish I could see signs that deep down he still loves me.  But, all I see is things he keeps doing against me like I'm some enemy. In his head he is completely convinced I'm out to get him and just plan angry with me. Although he doesn't usually verbally go after me like some OP.  He is angry about our pass life that was a good life.   

I started this thread not knowing what I would find. What a health of information.  I know that my H affair is based around he's need to fix her, rescue her from a disease she has leaving me with the cancer I have alone.  I know that their relationship is dyfuctional or will be soon. I'm sure she's already controlling him, giving him advice on what to do with me and I'm sure the quickness of the divorce is she doesn't want to be the OW and he's completly into this relationship.  But is my H happy?  Will he found out that even with her he's still struggling with what is going on in his head and see that even though he's been with her for 11 days he's still struggling to make sense of his life? Or will he find that this new love is just what he needs to move forward with his life. 

I know, those aren't questions that have answers.  I just don't see a lot of LBS with H's who don't waiver much which make it harder for me to read what is going on with my H.  He is a high replayer for a quiet, procrasternater kind of person.  Pretty Nacissitic right now for sure too.  It's all about him.

I did go back and read about the MLC affair.  I do believe their relationship will be doomed.  Not sure my husband will leave this relationship. I'm very afraid he will be so humilated and ashamed he will not come back to his friends or I because he can be very prideful.  He has do so many things out of creator for himself or at least I believe out of creator.  Maybe he hid who he really was ver well.  Maybe all this stuff he's doing was a part of him I never saw and MLC just brought it out more.  The new man is a liar, cheater, secretive, thief, but won't say one word about being in this affair. He keeps denying it because it was an EA which might have turned PA this week.  He does not want to be a adulterer.   In his mind he believes he hasn't up till now done anything wrong.  It would bought me as another OW which  would never be to not have my man not bring me forth or stand up for what we were doing. He hiding, sneaking and lying about their relationship. He is the only one buying into his denial of this affair.

It will be interesting to see if this relationship takes a turn in some way after they have been together for 11 days.  He could be bringing her back with him to work on this research project. She was suppose to be here this week or next.  If she is coming back with him, she better hope his car makes in for the 18 drive back on a cracked cylinder head.

OK, sorry this turned out longer than I thought.

[HeartTattoo]

But, what I lose hope about is...He never waiver with the divorce....What hurts the most is his not doubting.  I wish I had someone wanting to come back and forth back into the house. I wish he would give me signed of doubt.

UL,

I am so sorry you are going through this.  You are still very early in this unwanted journey & there is still a lot of turmoil in your situation because of your H's being at home & now possibly leaving & getting a D.  Take some deep breaths & take care of yourself.  This is a long ride & you need to be strong & healthy.

There are a lot of Clinging Boomerang/Boomerang types on the forum that come & go & talk back & forth about their doubts & "I'll be back someday after I figure myself out...".  Mine is not one of those.  He is at best an Off & On-er tending toward Vanisher.  He had a long time PA without me having a clue, he BD'ed me one morning, & walked out 10 minutes later with his car packed to live with the OW.  He has never given any indication to me in e-mail (our primary communication) or in person (rare encounters) that he has any doubt about his course of action.  He cycled a bit in the beginning, offering to help with some tasks at our place, responding when I hugged him & told him I missed him, that he missed me too.  But 21 months along I have never had any indications in his words that he has any doubts. 

None of that is really relevant to our journey, UL.  In fact, I think there are some distinct advantages to having the MLCer out of your hair.  Life is calmer, quieter; you have time to take care of you, time to think, time to face your own pain & learn to deal with it.  Detachment comes faster when you can do all of this.  Dealing with an in-home or Boomeranging MLCer takes tremendous energy & focus that can really be better put to use focusing on yourself.

You read opinions here that only Boomerangs return; Vanishers seldom return, etc, etc.  NO ONE really has a clue about this.  There is really NO accurate statistics about MLC.  Some MLCers return home before the LBS gives up on them.  Some MLCers want to come home, but have waited too long & the LBS has a new life that can't include the MLCer.  Some MLCers stick to their course, stay with the OP, & make some sort of life with them.  No one can predict what any individual MLCer will do, especially this early in the situation.  A total waste of energy to even contemplate at this point.

But is my H happy?...It's all about him.

My belief is that No, they are not happy.  And yes, it IS all about them, every single thing is about THEM.  No empathy for you at all.  They can wear a mask of functionality, at work for example, & walking around with their heads full & mush & chewing gum at the same time, LOL.  But happy, no, they have applied defective external solutions to the problems that lie within them, that are internal.  They have become addicted to the "good feelings" that an adoring alienator pour on them.  But adoration fades, discord follows, the "good feelings" aren't there anymore & the original issues/problems are still there inside of them.  In addition they now have the baggage of guilt & shame & humiliation, that they keep trying to deny or compartmentalize, but keep cropping up.

A sad, defective, empty way to live.  Turn away from that, UL, & get on with building a life for now that focuses on you, gets you feeling better, gets you strong.  No matter what the future holds, that is what will serve you best.

Hugs,
HT   

[MyBrainIsBroken]

Maybe he hid who he really was ver well.  Maybe all this stuff he's doing was a part of him I never saw and MLC just brought it out more.  The new man is a liar, cheater, secretive, thief, but won't say one word about being in this affair.

UL,

He is no longer the man he used to be. You're now seeing pieces of his shadow surface, which are all of those characteristics of his personality that he had been repressing. Some of those pieces may be positive, but most are negative. You probably wouldn't want the man he is now. Usually they pick an OP who is as broken as they are. If he moves forward he will discard the negative pieces of his shadow and assimilate the positive pieces into his true self but that takes time, it's painful and requires reflection, and they use avoiding behaviors like the affair and substance abuse to avoid doing the hard work required.

To give you an example, my W was a thoughtful and caring person who was very helpful and usually put everyone else's needs ahead of her own. She was also a conflict avoider who wouldn't tell you what she wanted and avoided change or trying new things. Now she's self-absorbed and doesn't seem to realize how badly she's hurting everyone else. She's also experimenting with making changes she would never try before.

My W has always had long, beautiful black hair. She recently cut it so that it hangs about two inches below her shoulders. She hates it, but she tried it. She also has never cared for spicy food or most vegetables except for bland ones like cauliflower. Last night she shared an order of pepper steak with peppers and onions with me. She never would have eaten that before. Now she likes it. And we couldn't get her to sit at the piano with us last night and try to play, but she did mention that someone had once told her that her long, slender fingers were perfectly suited for playing the piano and she seemed interested.

I hope she does the work to get through this and it seems that she is but she is doing it through experimentation whereas I went through therapy and read self help books. My expectation is that eventually she will be essentially the same person she was before but that she will be a little more assertive, a little more adventurous, a little more willing to make decisions and let people know what she wants. I hope I am still around for it and she decides one of the things she wants is me.

Watch the Julia Roberts movie The Runaway Bride. During the movie she likes her eggs prepared however her current fiance likes them. At the end of the movie she tries 6 or 7 different types of eggs to try to figure out how she likes them. That's a good illustration of what's going on with our spouses. They're setting aside what they think they know about themselves to try to find out she they really are.

Here is a link to an article about the Shadow.
http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc_shadow.html