[UnconditionalLove]

So, I hope I'm doing this right in starting a discussion. As we are standing waiting on our H's or W's are we kidding ourselves thinking everything with the Alienator isn't going well? I would like to hear from others to how long their H/W were with the A. If it was a bad as we want it to or if it lasted and it's going strong?  Also, to see if there is a pattern to these affairs as there are to our MLC H/W when we are posting about them. There is so much that is a like and I wanted to see if that is the case with the MLC affair.

I hope I asked that right.

[Still Kicking]

You will probably get a lot of different answers on this.  There probably isn't any one real answer that will tell you what you feel you need to know.

In my case the first OW only lasted a short time--less than a year.  She was a sicko who liked to take men from others for an ego boost/new love high and she didn't keep them long before going to the next one.  She was married but she even cheated on the ones she was cheating with.  So yes, she put him through the wringer and he wasn't that happy.  But I think he still pines after her and leaving her did not make him come back to me.  He has probably had a few more since her.

I also know of a case where the man stayed married to the OW for 10 years before returning to his wife.  Part of it was probably pride/embarrassment, etc. as it turned out he had married a physically abusive woman.  So he may not have been happy but he didn't break away for a decade. 

The odds/statistics are with you on the affair relationship not lasting.  And while there may be averages for how long it will last (2-3 years?) there is still no guarantee that yours will go with the average or that they won't go on to a different relationship.  But from many of the stories on here, while the affair may start off happy, it does not remain happy even if the person can't seem to break away.   So I don't think we are fooling ourselves as far as that part goes. 

[Searching4Answers]

In my case, I can say no that I am not kidding myself - I have first hand knowledge of what the relationship is like and it is not healthy. They have broken up and gotten back together 3 or 4 times now. He has now been with OW on and off for 2 years! I would bet that they are off again around the holidays so that H doesn't have to make excuses for not taking her around the family - he knows that they will not welcome her, tolerate maybe but not welcome her. For the most part, OW is kept a secret and I know that she has a problem with that.

I think the MLCer stays with the OW because they can't see any other options.

[kikki]

UnconditionalLove, the most important thing to remember is that our spouse is in crisis.  This means that they are almost opposite of who they used to be.  They are not out there having the same sort of relationships that we had with them pre-crisis.

As HB used to say, opposites attract usually, but in crisis, like attracts like.
So, you have one messed up MLCer attracting an equally messed up Other Person.

Even if they are together a long time, or forever, it is nothing like the relationships that we had, or would want to be in.

[UnconditionalLove]

Thanks for sharing your story.  I'm sure I will get a lot of different ones.  MY H connected with a student 20 years younger than himself and they are working on a research project together. I keep wondering if their connection could me so real because of this project and maybe they will find that they truly are in love. The twist would be...MLC! It still place a factor I guess in how they see each other or how he will see her after awhile.  He's MLC is still something he has to walk through and the reason for the PA is because of the MLC. LOL! That doesn't leave I guess with me gone from his life. 

[MeNow]

My opinion is that once the infatuation period wears off, they are back to where they started. The daily grind of living with all the real problems.

The infatuation is like a drug that wears off eventually.

[Searching4Answers]

My opinion is that once the infatuation period wears off, they are back to where they started. The daily grind of living with all the real problems.

The infatuation is like a drug that wears off eventually.

MeNow,

I agree with this and I have also thought that it is why they keep breaking up and getting back together again - they are trying to recreate the infatuation. Does that make sense?

Also wanted to add that not all OW are younger - my H is 44, OW is 51.

[UnconditionalLove]

Thanks Searching! I think that is going to run right into what KIKKI just said. Like Attract Like as in messed up!

I do see that. OW has a need to push H to help her with her illness. Although he thinks she is independent she's needy. I don't care what he thinks. He's saving her and she needs to be saved. After awhile, I can't see that working. Which would mean unhealthy and it's part of the MLC. Not just a regular Affair if there is such a thing. LOL!

Man, if a few post and I'm already seeing a wealth of information here.

Thanks!

[Searching4Answers]

As HB used to say, opposites attract usually, but in crisis, like attracts like.
So, you have one messed up MLCer attracting an equally messed up Other Person.

That makes perfect sense!

I do see that. OW has a need to push H to help her with her illness. Although he thinks she is independent she's needy. I don't care what he thinks. He's saving her and she needs to be saved.

I got this too - H told me she needed help, that she didn't have anyone, she didn't even have her child with her (all her doing by the way)!

[MeNow]

My opinion is that once the infatuation period wears off, they are back to where they started. The daily grind of living with all the real problems.

The infatuation is like a drug that wears off eventually.

MeNow,

I agree with this and I have also thought that it is why they keep breaking up and getting back together again - they are trying to recreate the infatuation. Does that make sense?

Also wanted to add that not all OW are younger - my H is 44, OW is 51.

Maybe. There could be other reasons as well or they find a new OP and get high again.