[twiceburnt]

Yeah, they seem to stoop to people at their same emotional level.  Looks, etc. don't seem to matter too much.

If it helps any and brings a bit of humor to the situation, I remember when my W broke up with OM1.  She was with OM1 the whole time, but cheated on him with many OM.  OM1 was the last one she had before she came running back.  At this point, she had been moved out for a few months, I served her with D papers, etc.  I was ready for a new life. 

Anyhow, about a month prior to when my W came running back, I met a woman (recently divorced) at one of my friend's joint bachelor/bachelorette parties.  She pretty much attached to me the entire night.  I told her everything and was honest about my situation, but I felt "single" I guess.  She was gorgeous, and seemed to like all the same things I did and was infatuated with me - after being treated like crap for so long, having a person be that into me was a major relief.  She was like a female version of myself.  We hit it off needless to say, but she lived out of state, so it didn't and wasn't going to work out.  But she flew up a few weeks later just to hang out with me.  We decided to go dancing at a bar with a live band and ran into OM1, who was balling his eyes out that my W dumped him.  The woman that came to see me laughed and said, "she left you for him?!?".  I got quite the ego boost from that.

Then he saw me...he made eye contact, and I just gave him the most evil smirk I've ever given.  He left not long afterwards with tears in his eyes.  lol.  I think he thought I was going to beat him up or something too, but I just let karma do its dirty work. 

Literally, 2-3 weeks later, W came running back.  It is like she sensed my heart straying.  I will admit, I was infatuated with this OW, so maybe I was starting a bit of MLC myself.  Or it was just the ego boost of being treated like a human again...I don't know.  But I still get a kick out of seeing that POS OM crying his eyes out. 

[UnconditionalLove]

Thanks for sharing your stories. There is so much that is a like and yet different. I do agree with the idea that MLCer's run to the nearist person. It's their first opportunity to act out and break away I think. What I like about reading these life stories is I can clearly see the situation where I'm not so clear on my situation and how my H see's things. But your stories are helping me a lot to see things. Pick out something here and there that gives me some hope and see some patterns.

One thing I am learning is MLC affairs are not built on any foundation and either the MLCer or the Alienators is going to mess the relationship up at some point. One of them is going to wake up and see what is truly going on.  I know for me this road is something my H has to follow to move forward.  Some of what you wrote will be great information to go back on and read.

Thank you

[UnconditionalLove]

Re read through the thread. So much information.  Glad I posted this it is really helpful. I'm going to keep coming back to check this out so I can memorize it. LOL!

[nah]

Do any of you know your H/W AP of are they just a random? I do not have a definite confirmation of an A but fairly sure my H is seeing a coworker.

In my opinion, it's usually who takes a interest in them first.

I'm going to be the devil's advocate for a moment just b/c it's something that is always simmering in the back of my mind.

Menow- your affair partner was a long lost love.  There must have been something special about her.  Yes, the timing was right  (or wrong, depending how you want to look at it) but if you were both truly single, do you think this could have been a relationship that would have worked?

What I'm saying is- maybe we are focusing on the bad stuff b/c it's what we want to see.  We want them to be wrong, we want them to come back.  They won't come back if they are happy so we tell ourselves that they must be miserable but something else is stopping them from coming back to us.

I keep bashing the girl, saying she can't compare to me.  However, he did choose her over me.  There must be something special about her for him to do this.  It was his choice, nobody forced him.  He choose to destroy his reputation, his integrity, his family, his finances, to be with her instead of me.  There must be something about her that he likes.  Is it possible that she is a good person with good qualities in a bad situation?  Is it possible that she truly loves my husband?  Is is possible that he truly loves her and just "fell out of love" with me? 

I keep saying how my husband is such an idiot.  Maybe I'm the idiot.

[UnconditionalLove]

Thank you Nah for the honest post! This is exactly what I want to see.  I wonder the same thing in my situation. Along with is it possible that my husband hasn't loved me for a long time and stay out of convenient and then along came this A and it opened the down for him to leave me and never look back.

I do know he's in MLC and he's doing a lot of bad stuff because of MLC. MLC is getting him the courage t say and do things he would have never said. The one thing I keep reminding myself is he isn't thinking right. Just like you said my H is on the path of destroying is professional career, losing all his friends, destroying his finances and his reputation.  No one in their right mind would do all that.  But I still wonder if I'm just wanting to think this relationship has no hope or if it really do have hope and they will live happy ever after.

The one thing I have been holding on to is knowledge and scripture.  God isn't going to bless this marriage, it's not built on the right foundation.  Knowledge from what I read says, MLC affair aren't about love and relationships but what he/she feels and few last.

Very interesting! Very In Ter Est Ing!

[nah]

There is something else that has been bothering me. 

When husband and I met, I was 17 and he was 19.  It was the 80's, he was in a band with wild hair and clothes, living in a dump, on drugs, etc.  I was preppy, spoiled, was in the "popular" group.  I quit college before I started and moved in with him.

EVERYBODY, my friends and family, his band friends, they all thought we were crazy.  We didn't care, we were so in love.  It was us against the world.

We worked our @sses off, we had two kids, successful careers, houses, vacations, accumulated a healthy nest egg.  We became the dream couple.  Kids played sports, he coached.  Girl scouts, school, I was the cookie mom, PTA leader, etc...,

We proved everybody wrong. 

Now its them against the world.  Right?  What's the difference?  He must be thinking, he can do it again.  Prove everybody wrong, including me.   

   

[Thunder]

Good points, nah.  I guess some of these MLCers do find someone who they can stay with and maybe even be happy with.  Probably not the norm, though.  Mostly I see one mess finding another mess.

I'm not sure who said "they find someone willing" but I truly believe that.

In the beginning my X looked at some dating sites.  First off he went for the younger, good looking women.  When he got no responses he lowered himself to women who weren't much younger and weren't that great looking.  Still got no responses but it wasn't anything in-particular he was looking for, just anyone who would respond.

Same with his flirting.  When he started that, he flirted with everyone.  Old, young, fit, fat...didn't matter.  It was just attention he wanted.  I think he would have dated anyone.

He no longer does that, but looking back it could have been just anyone he would have gotten involved with.  He was hungry for attention from someone new.  Anyone new.
 

[UnconditionalLove]

I wish I could figure all this out. I know I shouldn't be spending time on it. My H has never done anything like this before. When he flipped to MLC everything about him changed.  I don't feel like he set up to look for someone I just think she was there, he was in MLC, it fed his ego and off they went. I do feel like he did the whole Knight in Shining armor thing and she needed him to do that.  I think it's going to be if not already dyfunctional. But it's hard to take myself out of all this.  I know it's MLC but then I start buying into the fact that something is wrong with me.  I look back over our life and see patterns now. I took care of everything. He so disrespecting me and so unappreciative of what I have done over the years and now you want to find fault with me, become cocky because you have yourself a 32 year who isn't going to get you out of a can a bean?  Now, I feel like I have a kid who needs to learn to survive on his own because I protected him to much only to have him leave home and find fault with me.  I wonder how long those thoughts have been going on in his little brain world.

[Thunder]

Unconditional,

I think we all wonder that.  It makes me sick to think my H was feeling like this long before he made his move.
I thought he was just tired and quiet from working so much, but no..here he was sizing me up and finding things to blame me for.  Had I only known.

All I know is it was a huge shock when he finally told me he wasn't happy in our marriage anymore.  But the thought that he was feeling this way for some time almost makes me mad.  How can you defend yourself when you didn't know anything was wrong?

I know this is a crisis and it makes no sense but do any of them sit you down and tell you they are unhappy and we need to work on this marriage.  Give us some clue.  Some time to adjust to it?  Nope, they just make up their minds and off they go leaving us stunned.

[Learning strength]

My h OW had an a alcoholic h that took off on her and kids a few months before I found out about the 2 of them. I kicked him out and he went to his sisters ...she kicked him out and he moved right in with OW!
He rescued her and her kids....and she was available, broken and willing!!
He still says...if not for her I would be in the streets!! PLEASE..I've told him, no you would of been home with your family!
My h claims he can't afford to live on his own- maybe they will last?? I do know he's in an MLC so I'm not going to doubt the process