[MyBrainIsBroken]

Init, your story is what worries me about my wife and the alienator. My daughter says he is just like her deceased husband. Her husband cheated on her several times, yet she says that if he wouldn't have killed himself after she had him served with divorce papers she would have dropped the divorce and taken him back if he would have asked.

My wife doesn't seem to be happy with the alienator, it doesn't look like he treats her very well, and she's mentioned getting a place of her own several times, yet she's still with him after 17 months. It's crazy, yet I do understand it. But it's driving me crazy, too.

[in it]

Mbib I don't want to worry you anymore than you might be but if I were you? I would fight her for as many assets and much money you can get.
That may very well be what he's after.
Don't worry about how she's attached herself to him.

[Ready2Transform]

Nodding my head at all of this. I knew that if I didn't cut my abusive mother off at 20 when I had the chance during my parents' divorce, I never would. She would become too embroiled in my adult identity, and I took advantage of the crossroads. It changed the outcome of my life, I know that, but without the closure I continued to draw other friendships into my life that mimicked her dynamic. Maybe they didn't swing fists but they were all needy borderlines who kept our relationship unbalanced, as I allowed myself to become inferior to their needs. Though I have never met her and hope I never do, I think it took my xH's OW to finally say, "Enough!" of these people taking everything from me while I sit there. THAT is why I was NC with him for so long (think I just had an a-ha moment about that) - because that archetype can no longer take my attention.

She's got issues that have nothing to do with you, MBIB, you know that. When you view it from this clinical space, whether it is NC or not, it makes sense to check out and let it play out. She can't be responsible for what drives you crazy right now - she is not capable of even her own sanity. But *you* are in the driver's seat (literally sometimes, with your EMT work!), so go with that and *trust* it is going to work out without your hands on it. If you are afraid letting go means you don't care, trust me - it doesn't. I still care very, very much, but in a way that doesn't further complicate either of our lives. But I do agree with In It that these people are also after financial gain. I know that's it in my case (verified by what she told a friend of mine) and I am near bankruptcy.

As for the dynamic between the two of them from the xH's perspective, this OW also mimics xH's first girlfriend, who at 16 moved in with his family so he could "save her" from abuse. She cheated on him with a boy from another school during that time, and he was still forced to cart her around and be her savior because it made his parents look good at their church. It is not a shocker that his affair partner has so many problems and needed rescued from her own marriage, and that again, my in-laws and complicit. And right after BD while he was still here, we saw the old girlfriend one day at a store. He was texting OW at the time (Monster LOVED to do that in front of me), and it was as if he'd seen a ghost. I actually believe there was a time he combined the two mentally. He would play this song over and over that he'd written in high school for the old gf (long before me) around this time, too. So much unfinished business for what we all assumed were distant memories! Is it lack of serotonin drawing these memories out? Would this have happened without a chemical imbalance? I hope we have the answers someday.

[in it]

MBIB she may be replacing this guy with the one who killed himself..but really she had nothing to do with that either. They are trying to go back and change the outcome of something. What that is? I don't have a clue.
The ex said he thought he took a wrong turn with me. He wanted a clean slate someone he had no history with..turns out the exow was exactly like him. The whole thing blew up in 4 months.
MBIB does your W have a job? Or is she living off the money you are giving her?
I would not have gotten closure or added this up if I hadn't been forced to deal with my mother again..I really had no idea the ex and her were the same kind of person!
Until you can get some balance and heal... I still agree with NC.

[MyBrainIsBroken]

Hi Init,
Yes, my wife does have a job. But the guy who killed himself was our son-in-law so I don't know why she would be replacing him with anyone. She didn't even like him. That's kind of funny when I think about it because the OM is a lot like our SIL.
R2T, trust is probably a big part of my problem. Trust is not easy for me. It never has been. Yet I always trusted my wife.

[in it]

Oh I misunderstood who that person was. I don't have a clue why she wouldn't be out on her own then other than they can't really be alone.
Looks like I have to stop going to the local grocery store
Besides running into the ex about a week ago I went in for some things yesterday and a girl ( about my youngest D's age) I did not know her (cashier) asked me how my youngest D was. I replied
" Good..I guess"
And then I left.

[Reallytrying]

I am sorry that you don't have contact with the kids.  I hope that changes for you soon.

[in it]

Thanks rt
Somedays I ache to see, talk to,  hug them and hold them.
Some days I'm conflicted whether I want to have contact or not.
I have no idea who they are anymore...might sound strange but I feel like I'm being protected from something.

[Reallytrying]

That thought makes perfect sense to me. I would feel as though there is probably a good reason why I'm being put through this. I tend to try to find the bright side to everything though some days that is arguably very difficult. 
Hang in there when you have those down days. 

[in it]

Yep I struggled today..so sick of it. I'm the type that is something is wrong I want it out in the open right away....talk, scream, yell whatever you have to do to get through it. Come to some kind of closure or resolution or compromise to a problem and realize it may have to be revisited.

I'm not sure just what the firetruck some peoples problems are but for me the more time that goes by with no contact the worse it gets for me.

And that includes the girls..do they think I'll just forget? I can't allow myself the happy memories I have of them It just makes me sadder..like my whole life with them was a lie somehow.

I will not ever forget just how hurt I got at every level dealing with this jackass..so if anybody thinks time passing will heal this and there will ever be a "happy divorced family" at a table again they are sadly mistaken. 

I'm not holding a grudge The ex is mentally unstable and no one will ever convince me of anything else.

Some of you will go on. Time will heal ..you may even become friends at some point. Be able to parent your children together, spend holidays, attend milestones in their lives together.

 I will not. Does that make me angry and sad? Yes it does..it really does.
Those who have children.. Hold them close. Treasure every moment with them and do not worry about these firetrucking idiots who do not know what's important.

Cut these creatures out of your life. They are insidious attention ows right now..cut off their supply. You cannot help them and the kindest most loving thing you can do for YOURSELF is LET THEM GO.

MAYBE they will grow up.