[Dontgiveup]

Conway calls the end part of MLC a gradual and fluctuating coming down from anxiety.

Below is a description from RCR in the article Progress: Forward, Backward, Limbo.  I like both descriptions.  One thing in particular I like about RCR's is using the beginning as a reference point as most of us can remember the back and forth emotional swings of the MLCer from that time.

The Rollercoaster is wildest at the beginning and end when they are making decisions. When he sees the light at the end of the tunnel, the damage also becomes visible. It may be so great that he runs again. Or he sees the Love and Hope in his spouse and becomes afraid.

[Butterfly]

DGU
What do you think happens in situations like ours where they are legally as well as physically gone?
When they start to see the light at the end of the tunnel, will they think they burned this bridge?
I think of your friends situation, but what do you think is likely in a divorce vs return to current marriage. All speculation of course.

Butterfly

[StandandDeliver]

Thanks DGU, it is interesting that the beginning and the end are similar in that way.

SL - although I wouldn't wish it on anyone, i think it is helpful that you are able to call upon your own experience to describe some of the feelings our MLCers may experience. Depression is so hard to understand if you have not experienced it. I have seen my mother in a state of depression that had her hospitalized and from the outside it is so hard to get the turmoil that  person experiences, even when one is close to them.

I have not spoken to H in over a month and so I really have no sense of how he views our marriage right now (I assume, as he is in replay, that it is in a mainly negative light). I believe that he feels guilt which he tries to assuage from time to time by sending me token gifts. You are probably right that he does not see the good or it is outweighed by the bad. But I wonder if the touch and goes (moments of clarity) to reflect and occasional and confusing memory of life with the LBS as good?  As I said, I don't have very much to go on as I am NC with H, he is living with OW and he never contacts me about anything other than the kids or money.

Butterfly, I wonder that too. SL's thread about return stories certainly contains anecdotal evidence that post divorce reconciliation and remarriage are possible, but not inevitable. But that could be said about any MLC sitch, I suppose, divorced or not.

[StandandDeliver]

"do reflect an occasional" i am the typo queen! Need some sleep! Night folks and good wishes to you for a positive day tomorrow!

[Dontgiveup]

I am not certain there is a whole lot of difference, but I don't really know.  I guess I base some of that on the fact that divorced MLCer behavior is simliar to those MLCers who are still married.

You are familiar with your friend's story up in the success stories thread.  Even though that original marriage did not come back together, it sounds like there was a real desire for that possibility on the part of the MLCer.

At some point, I think there is a possibility that most MLCers worry about a burned bridge.  RCR had referenced Frank Pittman's writing in a recent blog that referred to the abandoned spouse most of the time ultimately having the final choice.

[Shantilly Lace]

At some point, I think there is a possibility that most MLCers worry about a burned bridge.  RCR had referenced Frank Pittman's writing in a recent blog that referred to the abandoned spouse most of the time ultimately having the final choice.

Of course the LBS spouse does.

Me I'm going to pluck some numbers out of the air just as an example.  No real figures ok? And ONLY about MLC.

Say we have 100 broken couples

80 of the LBS think they have been well and truly dumped, don't want to wait for whatever reason and move on with their lives.  MLCer has NO choice there, LBS has decided to write them off. These LBS move onto new relationships and the MLCer is written off as a pr!ck and many other names as well.

So that leaves 20.

20 decide to stand.  And stand. and stand.
and stand

another 10 decide it's too much their MLC spouse is never going to come back, they will never move past their issues, they never went back to others, they have never admitted they were wrong, they never hear from them, they must really love the op. It's taking too long, it's too hard.  Whatever. So that 10 disappear as well, once again the MLCer has no choice.  The LBS has made a choice.

So we have 10 left.
And they stand.

So we have 7 MLCers that decide to come home.  Who has that final choice?  Hmmm the MLCer?  No. It's the LBS.  Now it may not work out but more often than not it's the LBSer who calls it quits.  oh he came home but he wasn't really here, he went back to ow but she can have him I've had enough, etc.  So although the MLCer may not really be out of MLC the LBSer is finished.

That leaves 3.
1 of whom really is done and doesn't want to go back ever at all.  And the other 2 who really are wanting to come home but just can't do it.  can't see past the damage can't get past their fear. And they are the only ones that don't give the LBS the choice.

WE have the CHOICE the rest of the time.

And then you hear the stories of MLCers trying to return many years after the fact.  And the LBSer can't/won't  go there.  And that is their choice.

[limitless]

SL,
I know that your numbers are real....but, boy, that was dismal......
Kinda depressing.

Maybe not depressing in the fact that the LBS makes the ultimate decision (That is empowering).

You made your point, though.

L

[unbroken]

Butterfly,
I don't know if it's because they get talked about more out of interest, but I hear more stories of people who get divorced and reconcile than those who are separated successfully work it out.
Makes me start to wonder if they need that break, a real sense of choice without someone holding on to them (even if that's just their perception).
What do others think?
It's part of why I'm just letting my H be NC.  I'm giving the time and space he needs to figure this out onew way or the other.  This week is 5 months!!!  Just to show what 5 months can mean... 5 months after I met him I had already (almost) quit my job (hadn't quite told them yet), (but had already) accepted a new job all the way across the country and made plans to move there together in a few more months.  Eek. 

[limitless]

Love,
I don't know.

I guess those who actually divorce (a legal document, a legal hearing, a legal official end of the marriage) who remarry (legal ceremony) are more of a story (headline) - than those who separate and get back together.  (no legal document, no legal hearing, etc.  no official wedding ceremony when they get back together).

I would think that people who separate - get back together quite often - with little to no fanfare.  (Just doesn't seem to be happening here too much - btw).

L

[LettingGo]

I think there is a very REAL chance that the majority of marriages which are affected by MLC could be reconciled. Like Shantilly, I think the majority of LBS cannot see the forest for the trees and are afraid to stick with the marriage, or are not really committed and they start dating. When you start to date, YOU WILL MEET SOMEONE that excites you.... you just will.

There are some of us who make it past the roughest times and then just get on with it. I don't feel a need to date any more.... I feel strongly my husband will be back. By the time he gets back, I possibly could have made the rounds of the internet dating sites, getting past my awkwardness, etc. and then, possibly be involved in a serious relationship, but with kids, I wouldn't EVER want to remarry or move in with someone that wasn't a truly proven commodity, and that could be at least a couple of years! Might as well keep the husband I have, as I KNOW he will never cheat on me again, hahaha!! With a new guy, I'd have that concern....

Also, the complication with child visitations, new R baggage and his kids and ex..... ummm no thanks. How is that better? I'm also not keen on my kids having a step-mom.... I'm just NOT. I don't EVER want to see my husband with another woman.... I'm not ok with it. We have NOT moved on.