[Shantilly Lace]

I am "vicious" like that.

I just tell it like I see it.  The LBS really does have the choice.  Of course more than 7 would come home and most likely most of them would work out.  But I was just trying to show it is us who has the final decision.

LG I agree I don't want the girls to have another "daddy"they have one and he is a very good daddy.  I can see sometimes that he is going to be an even better one once this mess is over.

[BonBon]

Hope no one minds if I return to the original question.  I believe my H is at the tail end of replay (though how does one really know...ever?) so there are still some small replay signs but what is more to the point is that our history that was definitely re-written is now coming back to reality.  H is now recalling all of the good and says he wants it back to where we were pre-MLC (of course I know that isn't entirely possible but we'll deal with that later).  I no longer hear the mantras of "I wouldn't have gotten married so quickly" or the "you've never supported me"...all the rewriting stuff.

So I think there can be optimism about that. 

However, what I now see being rewritten is the history of his MLC.  Either that, or, he truly does not remember (part of me thinks that is true, part of me thinks that is avoidance on his part).  Sometimes he looks truly shocked if I bring up something horrific he said a year ago.  Sometimes, he looks ashamed.  Sometimes he will say "Oh, I was never angry at you" in an attempt to pretend it wasn't so. 

Interesting.

[LettingGo]

Bon Bon, my husband started recalling the good in our relationship and marriage, I no longer felt in danger of being served with D papers, and he also re-writes some of his MLC behaviors. I believe he is APPROACHING the end of replay, or as we say in the south.... "fixin' to get ready to be ready to dump OW". I still feel we have several more months to go before OW is gone. Until that happens, he's still in replay.

I know that you are aware the end of replay is not the end of MLC. Now that you know how to handle replay, the end of it may come as a shock to you.... the depression, etc. I think if you want to "know" where he's at and "how much longer" you may as well see a psychic.

What would happen if you could ACCEPT your husband AS HE IS right now? To just say, "well, I don't like all of these changes, but I accept you and love you anyway..... have a wonderful life." MLCers do seek acceptance, and I wonder if our natural resistance to the process doesn't hold them up a little sometimes...

[With Gods Help!]

LG i do think our resistance is what makes MLC last longer........I believe now ive truly let go and left h to sort this out himself he feels hes doing what hes doing for himself, when he felt i was telling him ( i didnt realise he felt this way i thought i was helping him) he fought against me, now hes coming up with answers for himself hes more inclined to process them making it easier to accept there his decisions and this what he wants..........Ive accepted that me trying to push him out of the tunnel just pushes him backwards, the more i leave him the further forward he comes. However i suppose this is process for us and until we’ve been through the process we cant/dont/wont accept were hindering their progress all we want is for them to get their head out their own arse (or o/w's lol) and just come home, ive been at this just over 2 yrs and its took me probably 18 months to learn this wish i accepted this sooner but then if i did what lessons would i have learnt.........I am taking this time to reserve my energy like you i know without a doubt my h will come home and then hard work will really begin xxxxxxxxxxxx

[BonBon]

LG and WGH,
I could not agree more! 
I think I am seeing the start of depression but I can't be sure.  That said, as WGH said, it took me forever but I finally learned to just let be.  I do live with my darling MLCer so sometimes letting "be" is not so easy but from where I was, compared to where I am, I don't fight it much because I too know the absolute futility nevermind the catapulting backwards when we fight the changes.  I don't always keep my mouth shut but I try to!  LOL! 

I'm under no illusions this thing is complete even though he tells me it is.  No sir, he has no idea and is avoiding the depression, remorse, acceptance...all of it.  But, it's his head and his arse (l0l) and I can't pull it out for him.  It's his timetable and his to fix. 

We shall see.

[OldPilot]

BonBon I am going to repeat what I said earlier, just because replay is over does not mean that the MLC is over.

It just means that your training period is over and now the real hard work starts.
So everything you learned while he was in replay will be put to the test.
While he is in depression, withdrawal and acceptance  they are still in crisis and the LBS will be put to the wall again.

Having to redo all the lessons that you have learned.
So we must still keep our expectations low and our detachment high.

I think you are on the right track but just because he tells you something is no reason to believe it.
Actions not words, (believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does), this still holds true.

I wish I could make it go faster but this is the way it works.

[BonBon]

Thanks OP.
No, I'm not under any illusions this MLC is over.  HE thinks it's over....I know it is not.  He is simply trying to pretend that he is comfortable with himself right now but I know better.  Somewhere along the line in the last 6 months, he started changing his attitude about me which is nice for me admittedly but again, I know he has a long way to go and I am keeping as detached as possible.  I still see small replays...I know he is avoiding what happened between us and I know he is keeping busy to avoid facing his reality, whatever that may be. 

I'm just going along to get along.  I am glad though that our history is no longer being re-written.  Maybe it will again...who knows.

Sorry, didn't mean to hijack...just wanted to comment on revisionist history and what I'm seeing these days.

[Dontgiveup]

It may not be so bad that they "re-write" or forget things they said or did during Replay.  It could be indicative of their change in feelings......sort of like how they were soulmates when they met the OM/OW.

BonBon....you sound good in your post, like you are more accepting of where he is right now and seeing some of the progress you need to see.

[StandandDeliver]

Thanks for getting back to the op Bonbon, and I really appreciate your personal insight into this process. While each person's experience will be different (like all aspects of MLC, I guess) there seem to be some general behaviours and signs that are common.

I hope that things continue to go in the "right" direction for you and that he does not revert to the rewritten history. I only hope that those of us who are so far behind you in all of this can get to where you are one day, in terms of detachment certainly, but also in terms of a possible reconciliation.

xx

[BonBon]

S&D,
I was rereading your original questions and had some more thoughts if you don't mind:  I was wondering myself about this issue of why the MLCer starts to come around, back to the LBS and marriage and so forth.  I have to start out by saying that my H has always known, acknowledged, that he is in an MLC, right from the BD.  It's not always something he's been comfortable saying but he said it first, before I even knew that was the issue.  So perhaps he's a little different than most  in terms of at least a general knowledge of what's eating him.  We have been able to talk about a lot throughout this thing, more than many others I think, though there was about 12 or more months where we couldn't talk about anything..but I digress. 

So, I asked him fairly recently why the change in attitude towards me (probably not a good idea to ask but sometimes I just don't care to be careful).  At any rate, he said that a lot of it was my tellling him how he had been taking me, the marriage, for granted and that he had a lot to be thankful for and realizing I was right. 

Now here's the thing:  I only believe that about 10%.  I honestly think that his MLC is moving forward and that those words of mine only sunk in because he is indeed moving forward.  I don't believe, wait, I KNOW, those same words made no difference at all two years ago because I surely said the same things then...and nothing changed at that time. 

What I think mattered more was his own progress which I can't explain, and my detachment.  He sensed it and knows detachment is NOT me...at all.  So, what that means is that your original question of why or how the MLCer starts to be fond of the spouse again and stops rewriting history is something that still alludes me.  I do believe there was one thing I did that made a difference and that was last August.  I was in the begging and pleading stage and asked what I needed to change to make him happy again etc.  I've written of this before but long story short, his answers were so insulting and outrageous, I just stopped it all right there and told him he was picking on me for fun and that I would never, ever again ask him what I could do for him or what he didn't like about me.  And I haven't, and I will not.  In fact, I told him that I liked me, I was not about to change for him or anyone and if he didn't like that, he could do you know what. 

What I think that episode did was to show him I was on longer going to disrespect myself and if he wanted to disrespect me, it would not be at my invitation.  I truly think that changed some things.  I will admit to having groveled here and there in other ways since then and it never, ever, ever works....so I am not nearly as good at detachment and I seem to have made people think...I wish I was, I still work at it and even last night, I saw MLC man coming out again.  So, I'm back to detachment again today and should have known better then to let my guard down at all, this early. 

I do think that not accepting thier lies and r-writing is key.  I don't think arguing it is worth it but just saying "bullsh*t" and walk away is good.  They have to know we can't be walked on though I do believe in picking one's battles.
I did not feel good this morning about where he "is" but that changes all the time and I certainly have more luck at accepting it now than I did awhile back but it remains the hardest thing I've ever done. 

DGU, I go back and forth as to whether it's good that he has no recall of some things or not but I know some things I have really have forgiven, other things, I have not.  That I've been able to get over some things he said during peak replay, wow, I surprise myself.  Forgivenss is unfortunately not my strong suit.
I thank you for your good thoughts and hope I helped just a little!