[MeNow]

willit,

Don't jump the gun here. His consistent actions over a decent period of time equals change you can believe in.
So far, he's not to be trusted. AND he's still with OW.

You know what I will say - Acknowledge it's nice but keep moving along.
He could be a cake eater.

I would maintain boundaries and be careful he doesn't take you for a ride again.
Like I said, it's nice but as long as he's with her, there is no discussion.

Take care

[ShadesofGrey]

They lie because they really do not want to damage the potential of a relationship with you if or when they ever decide to consider the LBS as a viable option and want to return...and they've done so many things that they are deeply ashamed of".

Adia,
I agree. My H has demonstrated both of those ideas to a tee.

Many LBS's express confusion as to how their spouses can know they are making regrettable, hurtful decisions, and still plow on. One word: ADDICTION.

I've been addicted to substances, and had an eating disorder, and I know what it feels like to be caught in compulsive behavior I know is destroying me. I also know the freedom of facing one's demons and breaking the addictive cycle.

I was in rehab in the early 90's. I was one of the few patients who'd never had a DUI, or any trouble with the law, and who still had a viable career, good health, and relatively undamaged relationships with family/friends. I remember looking at the many cohorts who'd lost everything, and thinking, "How will they ever get sober? They've destroyed their lives. They have nothing to go back to."

Just writing this gives me great compassion for H, and the desire not to abandon him, at least as a loving friend. I think it also speaks to his lying...he doesn't want to 'blow everything up' because he hopes one day to recover and 'have something to go back to'. Of course, as with any addict, I need to detach and set boundaries. Like OP says, Al-anon is a great help in doing this.

I see H's OW as a big pile of cocaine. Thrilling for the moment, but a bad, bad ride over time.

[MyBrainIsBroken]

SofG, thanks for this reminder. My daughter thinks the OM is behind my wife filing recently for divorce but I wonder why she would go along with it. I do attend Alanon so I understand the nature of addiction, but sometimes I forget. She's only been with him for 6 months. Do you think she could still be addicted to him even though she doesn't seem to be happy? Also, physically she seems to be falling apart.

[Medusa]

The addiction can last for years, Brain. Mine has been with OW for 2 years, and there is no sign that he's going to ever leave her. Quite the opposite: they are moving in together.

In addition, even though they are unhappy (guilt) we have to remember that infatuation lasts as long as two years. They are addicted to the feelings they get from that as well.

[ShadesofGrey]

Do you think she could still be addicted to him even though she doesn't seem to be happy? Also, physically she seems to be falling apart.

YES.

Addiction is not a happy or healthy state of being. It is a slow motion train wreck. Insidious and powerful. NOT rational. It can't be overcome by another person's begging/pleading for it to end.

I don't know all the factors that helped me overcome my addictions. Some things that helped were: 1) I had a life ' to go back to' if/when I got myself together, 2) I was tired of suffering: hangovers, money problems, excessive 'sick days', 3) I was tired of the shame I felt about my behavior (a motivator for me, but this can also be a reason to continue to 'run' or 'medicate'). 4) I was acutely aware of the diminishing returns of the substances. The highs were fewer and lower, and the lows were more frequent and really, really low. 4)I had a spiritual awakening. The companionship, love and support of a higher power helped fill the void inside me.

Consider this: One reason addicts are afraid to try to 'get clean' is that they don't know if they can. They think, "What if I go to rehab and it doesn't work?" A rational person would say Cross that bridge when you come to it...you've got nothing to lose...give it a try..., but an addict thinks I have everything to lose by trying. Right now I've got my substance (which sucks, but it's a comforting constant), and I've got the 'potential for getting clean' sitting on the horizon. If I give up my substance, and reach the horizon only to find it's a false promise, I've lost both things that keep me going. Game Over.

It takes a very brave person, or a very desperate person, or both, to try to get clean...it means risking failure with a capital F.

[TopsyTurvy]

H once said....I can't go back because topsy would probably dump me.....that was only a few months into living with OW...guess the addiction is strong in him. 

I also know that he once admitted that if I didn't find out about OW and it didn't work with her he would come back.  Truth always comes out in the end. 

My H is neither brave nor desperate at the moment.... So life goes on, me 'half' happy...H, who knows??

[Songanddance]

Addiction is not a happy or healthy state of being. It is a slow motion train wreck. Insidious and powerful. NOT rational. It can't be overcome by another person's begging/pleading for it to end.

I don't know all the factors that helped me overcome my addictions. Some things that helped were: 1) I had a life ' to go back to' if/when I got myself together, 2) I was tired of suffering: hangovers, money problems, excessive 'sick days', 3) I was tired of the shame I felt about my behavior (a motivator for me, but this can also be a reason to continue to 'run' or 'medicate'). 4) I was acutely aware of the diminishing returns of the substances. The highs were fewer and lower, and the lows were more frequent and really, really low. 4)I had a spiritual awakening. The companionship, love and support of a higher power helped fill the void inside me.

Consider this: One reason addicts are afraid to try to 'get clean' is that they don't know if they can. They think, "What if I go to rehab and it doesn't work?" A rational person would say Cross that bridge when you come to it...you've got nothing to lose...give it a try..., but an addict thinks I have everything to lose by trying. Right now I've got my substance (which sucks, but it's a comforting constant), and I've got the 'potential for getting clean' sitting on the horizon. If I give up my substance, and reach the horizon only to find it's a false promise, I've lost both things that keep me going. Game Over.

Excellently put SofG