[riverbirch]

That's really horrible lanzo.  

I too have a spouse that drinks a lot,is now 50 and we are not intimate because he says it's broken. Alcohol definitely kills the ability to get to it.  So knowing that has helped but then there was the diagram prescription he started taking. I know he tried some things before he left but seeing that after he left,made me sick. I asked him why the diagram once and he told me it was so he could take care of business on his own. Yeah right.

He may have tried but I don't think he had much luck even with viagra. Thank god for that. I would rather go without now than have him take that stuff again or even see it in the house.

[barbiedoll]

after nearly a year , i still think i am in the shock stage. That cannot be right. I only have to think about the unreality that this could happen and I have every phyiscal , emotional reaction that I sufferred with since the beginning of this hell. I need to find away to get my own life back, my own intrests, my joy, myself. I have lost myself in the fallout of his crisis . If I see thm together in my brain.. I want to run away and just vanish off the planet. It is my deepest struggle.. I see it as he has a secret sexual relationship for over 7 months with "her". He must have memories in his brain, thinks of things they did , things they shared etc . How do we ever get past this pain? How would I ever know if he thinks of her, misses her or fantasizes about the "best sex ever" ? I will never know his thoughts and it is anguish . To feel compared .. brutally jeoporadizes forgiveness. I love my old husband.. I have stayed because I hoped as time went by , my feelings would change, the pictures would dull and i could forgive. It has not happened yet. I still ask myself daily " how could he ? How could he ?'. there is no answer

[Anjae]

An year is not that long and certainly not long enough to erase these type of images, barbiedoll.

You need to be kind with yourself. And, of course, try not to let it consume you.

For me the OWs and sex are the easy part of this because my mind does not go there. I have even (years after Mr J left, when keeping documents, found some of his letters to them, but it did not registered).

What was really difficult for me was the lying. I knew there was someone else, I told Mr J that there was someone else. He spend months denying. The disloyalty and the break of trust were the bigger blows.

No, I was not all nice, calm and fine with the existence of OW1 (OW2 I just ignore) but the sex never entered my mind. Maybe because Mr J has always be so busy he does not have time for his OWs. And he also drink a lot, sometimes to point of remembering nothing of what he did during a day.

Can't see any carnal romance of the century there at all.

[in it]

Barbie you may still be in shock..there wasn't enough time that had passed for you to get your balance. This is HIS crisis We choose not to make it ours.
I do belive it's all about how these other people make them feel about themselves not so much the sex.

I can understand how you feel about the possible comparison. The ex prostitute the ex got involved with kind of blew my mind. I said to him once "You set the bar pretty high"..he replied " Not really" whatever that means.

He said he couldn't do anything with her..she knew that's about the ultimate connection you can make. Who knows? He's such a liar.

[ruggedendurance]

Barbie,

I'm two years into this and most times now............. I don't think about it.

If I try to bring it up in my mind?     It is as disgusting and nauseating as every other time I dwell on it.

But.   That is the point I was trying to make.    As time goes on.    I spend more time thinking about her mental state and how confused and maniacal she has been.    Throw depression and paranoia in there and you have the brain of my XW.

When I focus on her mental state?    I can make allowances for just about anything.

It isn't hard at all to convince myself that she is out of her mind right now.   

Now I spend most of my time wondering what it will take to break the mental mania that she is suffering.

When I look at her in this light?    I can't imagine that sex with a mentally disturbed person could be all that great.

[Medusa]

Agree with In It that you may still be in shock. A year is nothing in our healing, and sometimes people get stuck. It took me 8 months, two extended trips out of state, a lot of drinking, the death of my mother and 70 hours as an "inmate" in a psyc ward to move past shock.

The images are hard to deal with although, like Anjae, is was more the lies and deceit that messed me up. Once I finally accepted that he isn't worth what I was doing to myself, I was able to start letting go of everything. I had a lot of strategies including taking those images and morphing them into something I found funny--my favorite being thinking about them having sex him farting on her face. Gross, I know, but for whatever reason it made me laugh. I also imagined her growing copious amounts of hair from her nose.

Also, many of them use sex as a bandaid to forget whatever is actually bothering them. I told mine exactly that at BD and he got mad at me (surprise!). As In It said, it's about how they feel. Everything is about them. Everything.

You asked, Barbie, how we get rid of the pain. We don't. It tempers with time, but what they've done to us will always be there. Forgiveness is a conscious decision, but that does not mean we forget. I know I cannot forget the truly reprehensible things that were done to me, but because I understand the man is in MLC, I have a decent understanding of why he has done what he's done, and that helped me with forgiveness. More important, though, is that I needed to forgive him for myself. I learned to ask myself one important question: how is hauling around all this garbage serving me? When I found my answer, I let whatever it was go. The truth is, I initially didn't know how to let go. We hear that we've got to do it, but there is no instruction manual as to the process. For me it was asking him to leave and realizing that I am married to a stranger whom I do not like most of the time.

There was one other thing that I learned: turning my thinking. I am not very adept at looking at various experiences from a variety of perspectives. I have my initial gut reaction but just think about what else might be going on. Learning that skill helped me to realize two things: I don't have a clue what's happening in his head and it doesn't matter. What matters is how I choose to live my life now. I choose not to fixate on what he did. Again, all of these things happened and are facts of my life. I cannot change them, but I can accept them for what they are...part of the tragedy of MLC that became my crisis until I chose not to make it so.

[in it]

Exactly Medusa-

Barbie when you take time for you it will give you perspective..at the time I thought I needed all the gory details it ends up - who cares?

I've kept my integrity and understand I want nothing further to do with him.

What we do to ourselves is much worse than whatever anyone else could do.

It's hard to belivie they would sacrifice a marriage and family for their selfish pursuits- these other people - they don't call them affair downs for nothing.

It's the MLcer magical thinking that keeps them from reality.

For us letting go is a process you may have to do it all day some days. It's not something you say you are going to do..do it... then it's taken care of.

[Lanzo]

As much as all of the disgusting things I’ve seen and some of the hurtful things xW has said,  I did take  them to heart, and I did take  them personally but I cope now by distancing myself from her, and having no contact whatsoever.  I can do this as I harbour no hopes of reconciliation

I don’t want to see her,  I don’t want to hear her voice.  The less I see and hear of her, the less real it seems , like it never happened, hopefully  soon It will all be forgotten and my head will be in a better place.

If she wants to do those things to make herself feel better then she has no place in my life. With me gone lets see if she keeps doing those things and stills feels  good about herself.


Lanzo

[lawprofessor]

Hi barbiedoll,
In my experience with two men in MLC the sex is different than you are assuming.  I wanted to know so I could move on.  J explained it to me like this:

Sex with the OW is nasty dirty sex.  It is in his words just "f*cking"   nothing more.  Once he made her get on her knees behind the bar and perform oral sex in front of the patrons.  Another time he had her meet him at the local park.  He told her to drop her pants, bend over, and grab a tree.  Afterwards he left her in the park standing there without her pants.  I could give you hundreds more examples. 

I asked j if he wanted to do those things why didn't he do them with his wife.  He was shocked. He said his wife was the mother of his kids not some ow on the streets. 

You see it is the dark side taking over, not the real person you were with.  You separate the two things in your mind, that's what I did.  J was addicted to the drama, the nastiness, without risking real feelings since he had none then.  In his own words he was frozen inside, just spinning in circles in his head.  He didn't respect or admire OW.   She was just a play toy that let him act out his dark side.   As with all toys, eventually it was no longer fun so he moved on.  J told me he never thought about her feelings needs or wants anymore than you think of the feelings of your car when you drive it or your closet when you get out your clothes. 

I hope you stop torturing yourself with thoughts this is some great love affair or even good sex.  As j said, why would any of you be jealous of OW?  Would you want to be the ow rather than the woman? The more the things are disgusting is a measure of how badly these guys feel about themselves I think.  Please don't reflect their feelings back onto yourself.  It is their monkey and their circus to own.

Lp

[Searching4Answers]

I completely agree with lawprofessor!

My H has referred to the OW as a 'toy' too. I know that he is using her and that she will do all of those things for him to keep him he around. How else is she going to keep him arond

She was just a play toy that let him act out his dark side. As with all toys, eventually it was no longer fun so he moved on.  J told me he never thought about her feelings needs or wants anymore than you think of the feelings of your car when you drive it or your closet when you get out your clothes.

This is so very true.