[ruggedendurance]

MLCer involved in nasty sex with an emotionally disturbed partner.   MLCer is obviously out of their own minds.    Recklessly chasing anything in hopes that they will find some distraction from the madness.   Dragging themselves further and further into a bottomless pit.  Tirelessly destroying themselves and anything that was good in their lives.   Burdened with guilt and self loathing they lash out against the one person in the world that loves them and has had their back for the majority of their adult life................

Why is it so hard to detach?

[Lanzo]

Hi LP ,

Thanks for putting a bit of context to this as it kind of helps me in a way to process things as xW certainly did move to the Dark side.

I did see a  text  exchange from xW and her OM where they described their activities in the elevator and in the studio at his place of work when she was just meant to be passing by. It read a little bit like the bar and the park incidents  you just described. I would never had thought that of xW
 
I also saw the plastic toy that xW had.  When we were together and I mentioned such things, she had a look horror on her face an exclaimed that there was no way she was inserting anything artificial  into herself. Apparently now,  that thing is her tool of choice.

Her OM’s are people, who sleep with people, that sleep with people, that’s were she is, I did show concern after the D and told her to have respect for herself, or at least get herself checked for STD, she told me to mind my own business because she could F who she wanted to.

Barbidoll, time and distance is helping me to get through it all,  also this thread is helping me, as it is letting me get something’s  out into the open that  would otherwise be stored away in my head and stay there like a ticking time bomb waiting to explode in the future. I’m clearing the decks and  my brain and moving on.


Lanzo

[Still Kicking]

It is probably more the betrayal, the lies, the abandonment and the nastiness of some of it that is really the problem.  I don't think I ever gave a thought to not being able to be with mine because he had a wife 10 years before or had been with other girlfriends before he met me.  It is not that they have been with someone else but the betrayal that burns all of those images into our minds.

I think that with some it is "w****" sex" but with others there was an emotional affair before the PA and the MLCers felt very connected.  In papers that mine threw out when he moved he had written her name down as all of his passwords.  I don't think he ever used mine as a password the entire time we were together.  And come to think of it I never used his as mine.  Some of them idealize the woman and don't think of her as just sex.  Mine was very defensive of her and would say she was his FRIEND. 

It is odd but with her I could have gotten past the sex as in the beginning he was so obviously out of his mind and I didn't really have a visual of her.  I could put it off to temporar insanity.    But I am having trouble with potential OW3 as I have actually seen her in action around town and she is pretty disgusting.  The thought of him with her has made me lose respect for him and think he is just plain stupid.  At this point there isn't enough bleach in the world for me to want to have anything to do with him. 

I don't foresee us getting back together but if we did he would have to have evolved into a different person and there would have to be a courtship and gradual winning back of trust.  I have often wondered how RCR could stand to put that year of living apart in place when she got back with her husband but I'm starting to see the wisdom of it.  Not only was it a cooling off period and time for her husband to prove it was for real this time, it allowed for her to accept him back at her own speed. 

[Medusa]

I suspect that for most of them sex with OW is very selfish even if they do idealize women. Idealization is a problem, though, because they want us to be on a pedestal and be something we are not. I can see in mine a certain hatred of women. He dislikes me and has called the last two female bosses he had "crazy".
What he seems to want from a woman is someone who will be his caretaker like his mother was and someone who will reward him with sex when he does something nice. Can't tell you how much that little tidbit blew me away...I never knew I was supposed to drop to my knees just because he mowed the lawn or built us a piece of furniture, but apparently that's what he was thinking.

Some of them seem to have no concept of boundaries. Mine thought it was perfectly find to grab me whenever he wanted and (again) I was supposed to act like a woman in an adult film on the spot. Know what? If that's how it is with them, fine. I have way too much self-respect than to be treated like that.

[Lost]

Dear Barbie,

yes, you are still in the state of shock, really not so much time has passed. You were lucky your H came back 'early', but on the down side you were not healed yet. It really takes time. Continue all the things to do to get the pictures out of your mind as you said...again and again, it takes time. But the images will fade.

Here is an article that helped me:
http://www.marriagesherpa.com/blog/marriage/affair_images_escape_pain/

And for forgiveness, I really find it is like an onion (not sure who wrote that here), there are layers and layers of it, again it takes time to peel one after the other off.
I did the forgiveness challange of Desmond Tutu and found that really great. Main thing is that forgiveness is not even for him, it is necessary mostly for YOU to find peace. You also don't need to start this challange with your H first, you can first work on trying to forgive somebody else for something smaller (or longer ago and not so hurtful), then work on the most painful thing, i.e. your husband's affair. This really helped me.

http://forgivenesschallenge.com/

Big hugs Barbie, you can do this! Don't blame yourself now for not being able to 'forgive and forget' quick enough.
It does take time and you will get there.
I don't know exactly your story, but in case your H really is out of MLC, he could really help you. There are different programms on that, some with workbooks, some are weekend retreats.
If your H is still at the end of his fog and not completely stable yet, or if he is just not the type for that, he unfortunately won't be able to do that, to help you.

Your H did not really seem to have bonded so much with OW...you know especially with men there is so much due to just hormones too. Still hurts, but try to see it also as that. Ever seen a bull mount a cow? Or better yet, semen taken from a bull or a stallion. Ow? She's no more than that hideous plastic frame    Well, I try to see it like that on my good days...

Hope these two videos make you laugh and you won't find them offensive:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p7OSm6U0Jbg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J538n44UPmA

Big hugs,
Lost

[in it]

What he seems to want from a woman is someone who will be his caretaker like his mother was and someone who will reward him with sex when he does something nice. Can't tell you how much that little tidbit blew me away...I never knew I was supposed to drop to my knees just because he mowed the lawn or built us a piece of furniture, but apparently that's what he was thinking.

Exactly..there was nothing done in the house in regards to improvements( which he can do as a profession) Why?
Didn't get enough sex.He told me that!

And you know what? If he had gotten more it would have been something else he wasn't getting.

Improving the families quality of life didn't even enter the picture for him. In the winter the curtains actually moved when the wind blew...

All he wanted to know was " What do I get out of it?"

[Savoir Faire]

Hi LP,  don;t know how I lost you for so long.  I kept thinking about you, but had lost your thread.

How is J & your H going?

Will have to go back and read.  Sounds like things have been interesting on your thread.  Great stuff.