[StillStanding]

A short but clever video from Buzzfeed: "What People With Depression Want You To Know"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IQr1G1OOEEQ

EDIT: I split this off from the other thread because I didn't want this discussion to get lost. -SS

[xyzcf]

Thanks for sharing. One comment that jumped out at me:

"I'm not trying to hurt you"

[Ready2Transform]

Thanks for sharing. One comment that jumped out at me:

"I'm not trying to hurt you"

This was Hoss' catch phrase (often spouted at illogical times).  It's the underlying message he wanted me to get.  Neat that it comes in here at 1:11.

[blackice]

i got i didn't want to hurt you, that's why he said he lied. i said well the lying hurt more than the truth since i knew you were lying to me. he stopped lying to me about things after it all came out when he moved out. he has been super honest to a degree that sometimes i wish he would not say something. but i don't discourage it because it is a huge step for him to be this honest with me so i see it as a good thing in a way and i hope it sticks cause if we ever reconnect or reconcile he is going to need to be this honest for it to work.

[Anjae]

It was also Mr J catch phrase until it changed to “I’m just trying to get rid of you”.

However I think the MLCer is trying to hurt us. Deliberately. Even RCR writes about it. The MLC will deliberately try to hurt (and disgust) the LBS, so that we quit.

It is possible that very early on they are not trying to hurt the LBS, but that changes. Or for some it changes. The problem is that early on they managed to hurt the LBS then the LBS becomes indifferent.

“I’m not feeling sorry for myself” – this one I do not think it is true. Depressed people do feel sorry for themselves. Just like our MLCers.

“I take medication to balance the chemicals in my brain” – unlike our MLCers.

“I take responsibility for myself just like any other person” – unlike our MLCers.

MLC is not like normal depression. Normal depressed people do not have the energy to replay, do not have the energy to plot, to drag divorces, etc. They are just depressed, or, if medicated, even and acting normal.

[blackice]

in the beginning he was trying to hurt me as much as possible. he would say horrible things, call me pathetic and boring, that he only stayed because of the kids, he never loved me, all kinds of awful things. but the more i changed and didn't react the less it became and now it doesn't happen at all.

[xyzcf]

Anjae writes:
"However I think the MLCer is trying to hurt us. Deliberately"

I would not generalize that all MLCers do this. Some might others do not. They just want out and to be left alone.

There is an ad for antidepressants in the US that says "depression hurts". Let's have compassion for all those who suffer from this, MLC or not.

[DaRealist]

However I think the MLCer is trying to hurt us. Deliberately. Even RCR writes about it. The MLC will deliberately try to hurt (and disgust) the LBS, so that we quit.

Yes, yes, yes.  At least mind did.  She went out of her way to hurt me.  It was very, very deliberate.  Even after moving out.  And after the divorce.  She'd find out where I was just to show up and try to hurt me.  The only reason it stopped was because I stopped giving her the reaction she was looking for (hurt, pain, sadness, disappointment, confusion, etc).  If I still flinched every time she came my way, she'd still be doing it.  This is why it is so important to grow.  If we act like victims, they will continue to victimize us.

[Anjae]

If you prefer Xyzcf, many MLCers/some MLCers try to heart the LBS deliberately. Do not remember RCR exact words (sadly I lack DGU photographic memory) on the subject but it was something like your MLCer may try to hurt you so that you give up/leave them alone.

The thing is, for me, compassion and indifference are not compatible. Compassion for me presupposes that I still care/have some sort of attachment. Indifference means exactly it, I’m indifferent. Compassion means one has to feel the other person suffering and for that one needs to be engaged. Indifference does not allow for engagement. It allows for detachment and distance.

I’m sorry it that is offensive to you but I’ve come to a point where I really I’m indifferent. A point that is probably necessary given the circumstances.

[trusting]

I have heard both from my MLCer, believe it or not (and I am sure it is not hard to believe ). 

There have been a couple of times where he has said something along the lines of not meaning to cause hurt for others (and yet, of course, he has not stopped making choices that do so).  Bear in mind that his sentiment wasn't remorse in any way, shape, or form. At the time, he was feeling sorry for himself so it was about the way it was making HIM feel, rather than being sorry that WE were hurting.

On the flip side, I distinctly remember one other time when he was pushing divorce that he basically asked what it would take to get me to give up.  And yes, he was monstering quite a bit at that time.  He was deliberately trying to hurt me.