[riverbirch]

I think some of them do nasty ,hateful things and know what they are doing.

I know mine said some pretty rotten stuff. When I found out he had friended his ex gf from high school I said something to him. I got the coldest ,meanest voice from him. He said ' So you're on here and friended such and such. You're on here and on and on. I know he looked her up to be spiteful. Once when I mentioned him screwing some one else he threw that in my face as well. Bringing back my own affair,like I had just done it.  He had a revenge affair then but that was ok.

Then there's the fact he lost the house. He can blame everything under the sun for that one. I believe he did it on purpose with all his spending and bar hopping. Having a grand old time and not giving a rat's a$$ if we lived or died. I can see him saying f u to all of us every time he got a mortgage reminder. He told me right around the time I met the hag,that he wasn't paying anything anymore and even thought he was going to sign the house over to our son,but that fell through too.

I think part of them hurting us comes from the OP too. They're busy filling their heads with bull and the more they hear the more they hate us.  So the more hurt they cause to shut that wonderful affair partner up and keep them happy.

[toomanytearss]

River, I have to agree with you.  I believe some of them do it on purpose.  They are so angry.  My son saw that the other day and said to me that he could see and feel the anger he has toward me.  And I believe my h has done and continues to do things to hurt me on purpose.  That smirk of theirs says it all.

[Pixiegirl]

I believe it too, they hurt the ones that they know will not turn their back on them. I also think that what they see in us is what they wish they had within themselves. H used to tell me all the time how strong I was. I think he hated me for that. And they are trying to hurt us because we are the ones that know the truth. We know them best and are closest to them. What better way to push us away than to be mean as all get out to us.

[scooby]

I feel like they do it to take away the confusion and pain they are feeling.  The happier I get the more Scrappy tries to cut me down.  It is sick, but you get used to it.  Prayers and hugs

[Howmanytimes]

My H is kindness itself since he left.  But before he left he was distant with me like he was trying to cut off his feelings for me.  This lasted many years.  No sex for three years. He started the affair with OW in 2006 and about 2010 stopped sleeping with me.

He says hurtful things to me like he doesn't find me attractive anymore and when he kisses me my mouth feels funny.  It's all BS. 

Many years ago he had another affair and he was horrible to me then.  Told me I was boring etc.  Then when it finished he was nice again.  He is confused and co-dependent on me because he has known me since he was 17 and I have always taken care of him.

He is a serial cheat by nature but I also think he has been MLC for many years now.

I see him ruining his life by divorcing me and that is in a financial way as well as knowing he will be tied to this OW who is selfish and will make him unhappy. ,it's sad really because I can see his future and it is not going to be happy.

They do hurt us deliberately but it is guilt and to help convince themselves they are doing the right thing.

My H is cake eating at the moment.  I think if I stood up to him in anything I could possibly see Monster appear.

This is a great thread.

[paradigmshift]

Anger at you and other kinds of ill-treatment is highly indicative of an affair, emotional or physical.
Experienced the same with mine for a couple of years.

[MyBrainIsBroken]

I don't think my W was trying to intentionally hurt me. I believe she really was confused and was hopeful that OM was going to be the source of the happiness that she felt was missing. The night she destroyed me by telling me about her "friend" she told me she didn't want to hurt me. But, in spite of that, I think she was fully aware of how badly I would be hurt by this because one of the things she did before dropping the bomb was to hide the key to the gun cabinet. That actually demonstrated a level of planning and rational thought that I didn't think MLCers were capable of.

[MeNow]

I think it's inaccurate to think they aren't capable of rational thought. When it comes to OP, then it's all emotion.

[twiceburnt]

Wow, interesting topic.  There are so many factors in all of this.  Vanisher, clinger, what phase they are in, etc.  What phase the moon is in, what month it is, etc.  Everything seems to affect an MLCer.

I've seen both sides.  During my first bout, she seemed to want to hurt me, to make me hate her and be the one to leave her.  That way she wouldn't have to accept as much guilt if I was the one to push the divorce. 

I even had a friend set her up by pretending to be single, etc. and see what she had to say about me (this was not my idea at all though).  The things she said were extremely hurtful (and she denied that she said them).  "He held me back.  I should have never got married.  He was the worst mistake of my life.  I wish I never met him."  ...horrible stuff like that.  And when I called her out on it, she physically attacked me.  She knee'd me in the back in bed, punched and slapped me, etc.  I just laughed, which probably didn't help.

This second time, she's explicitly stated that she's not doing this to hurt me, and that she hopes I have a good life and meet a good girl someday.  She thinks we've grown apart, etc.  She even put words in my mouth by saying that I'm unhappy too and that she's just taking the first step because she's miserable. Yet, she seems to be rubbing it in this time - facebook posts, etc.   Which, in the end, is making me despise her more than the first time.  The betrayal seems way worse this time.  Maybe because I was lost and confused the first time.  Now I know better.....I don't know. 

But, if you call them out on their BS, or they are monstering, wow will they try to hurt you.  They can be downright evil at times. 

And DaRealist, damn...I'm so sorry.  Do not believe her words though.  I'm willing to bet she'll be eating her words big time one day and wishing she could go back in time and take them back. 

[Pixiegirl]

H hasn't really been monster this time around. Just very distant. But from 2010 up until this last time he left in May, he was monster to me and S off and on. Especially at the end before he left. He was mean to everyone. Even the dogs. He looked like a person that was about to explode at any second. We walked on egg shells. He was cold and hard and his eyes were shark eyes. He reminded me of that bully kid in school that everyone was afraid of.