[in it]

I did the same thing terrified - I had to close the door on an old relationship 17 years ago and NEVER heard the end of it from him.NOBODY'S PERFECT

Listen to me- this has nothing to do with what we did or didn't do..this has to do with what THEY haven't dealt with. He never forgave me because his HUGE ego was standing in the way. I thought he did. Doesn't matter - he decided the life he had simply was not what he wanted.

They would have found any excuse to do this..they simply are not content or happy within themselves.

And my answer to the title of this thread IMHO is YES yes they do try to try to hurt us on purpose this is about power and control. It gives them pleasure to cause this kind of pain.

What we allow continues.

We have to look at ourselves and grow from the pain we experiance. Stay away from them and focus on ourselves.

[Pixiegirl]

They would have found any excuse to do this..they simply are not content or happy within themselves.

And my answer to the title of this thread IMHO is YES yes they do try to try to hurt us on purpose this is about power and control. It gives them pleasure to cause this kind of pain.

What we allow continues.

We have to look at ourselves and grow from the pain we experiance. Stay away from them and focus on ourselves.

Yes
Yes
Yes
and ....YES

[hawk]

6wks T , that's ridiculous . l'd def' move on from that women.
You guys were almost the same time and yr as us ,  except you've only broken up this year and 6wks for that, no way.
At 18mths l still became upset within seconds if something set me off. like this damn Yukka tree she planted right at the front door. That was growing like crazy and so there was no way l could miss it every time l walked in or out. Shoulda ripped the damn thing out .
But at 2yrs now , and our divorce is done , l am finally starting to feel human again.
But my counselor actually said it can be 1 yr for every 4 or 5yr spent in the relationship .
And here's a bonus to help that along. Ex has really let herself go , like really . And her personality is still changing and still moving in the same direction. So really , it's an old version of her l would want back and our family but tbh anyway, this her now is not even her anymore.
Maybe this happens for you , it helps a lot .

l do worry about stuck too . l've never been stuck before and so hey , maybe it's my turn .

[twiceburnt]

6 weeks lol.  Sure, if we'd only been dating for 6 months.  And this isn't a normal relationship break up...far from it. 

My W has let herself go emotionally, but not physically.  She started taking "phentramine" (an amphetamine that curbs your appetite so you don't eat - might as well be Meth).   Well, from what I've read, it has major side affects - hating your spouse is one.  So compound that with MLC and wow....Yeah, she's probably skinnier than she was in HS even, but whatever. 

My W did not need to lose weight, she was just fine as she was.  Now she seems too skinny to be honest.  I can't wait for the day when OM starts cheating on her like he's done with his past spouse and GF's. 

I think we need a new law where you can't get assault and battery charges if you beat up a home wrecker.  That might curb some of this crap.      I'd volunteer to put this new law into place. 

[Janus2014]

Good idea on the law, twice burnt.  I think society used to look at things that way.  Perhaps in certain cultures it still does.  But we are in the instant gratification society.  Some states recognize alienation of affection suits, but far too few.  And all the electronics have led to an explosion of this.  My H had a fling overseas while working there for a few months.  In decades past, he would have come home and had difficulty with continuing any contact, let alone incessant communication.  Now, the AP can be in your house 24/7.  And we all know about the FB, "high school reconnection" issues.  My H tried that too before he found a way to run.   

In it, I can't quote properly on the IPad, but you've nailed it for me.  Things that were years in the past, and had been followed by many loving interactions with H, were suddenly front and center as his reasons to do what H believed he wanted to do.  Because, as you say, his huge, narcissistic? ego never forgave me.  He'd play the same card over and over again. 

The sadistic efforts to assert power and control amaze me.  He's got his adult kids not talking to me.  Now he brings them up in every conversation - oh, I was on Skype with this one, emailed that one.  Looking for a reaction from me. 

[hawk]

Tbh ,l can understand even a very old affair never quite leaving someone. l've heard from females and males still stewing over something 15 or 20yrs ago.
So agree on this electronic thing , it scares the hell out of me in where it's gonna lead and end.
How many families has just FB alone broken up ,can you imagine !
Texting 24/7 . computers.
My ex basically ran her affair around our house and going to bed early every night alone with her precious phone and texting .

[Thunder]

I do not think they hurt us deliberately, in my opinion.  My H did something so hurtful a few years ago.  When I reacted with hurt and went quiet my H said...apparently you are angry or hurt or something.  I just looked at him in disbelief and said, I'm not angry.
He said very softly...I didn't mean to hurt you.

I felt he truly did not understand he hurt me.  I could see it on his face.  He actually felt bad.  So no, it was not deliberate.

blackice, I wonder the same thing.  My X has been exhausted for months and does nothing but sleep.  It's getting to a point where I wonder if I should bring up depression to him.  I haven't because I don't know what kind of reaction I will get.  I just keep thinking he has to, eventually, figure out is not normal to be this tired all the time.
I was over to his house yesterday and he slept off and on all afternoon.  When I left he apologized for being so boring.  I said it's ok, I know you're tired.  He thanked me and said he would perk up next time.   

DR,  you really hit the nail on the head.  Once you stop allowing Monster it starves itself.  Up to you to put a stop to it.

I also agree with the comment MLC depression is NOT the same as clinical depression.  Two entirely different things, even though they can mirror each other.

[in it]

His biggest problem I found out later was he was "in his prime" sexually" when it happened..which he stated. So this insulted his manhood. There was hyper bonding after but he admitted he was just trying to PROVE something to me.

 Uhmmm big mistake- as it connected me on a different level.

 By the way? Sex isn't love. Now that period of time means nothing to me.

That wasn't what that was about for me or the person I got involved with! It was how I felt when I was with him. He was impotent!

And he turned out to be pretty much a loser. I didn't know how to get out of it without hurting his feelings.

When it was all over I didn't want either one of them..but the ex harrassed me so bad I took him back..the kids were little and I wasn't about to take off with that guy take the kids or leave the kids behind.

Or divorce the ex and move him in like what happened to me.

[Janus2014]

My issue was wanting to spend time with someone I found interesting.  My H was very controlling, I was working all the time and I felt I had no life.  It wasn't sexual with me.  But H took it that way. 

I saw the other guy very realistically after a very short time.  I did not want that.  Perhaps because I had more relationship experience than H does.  H doesn't realize that affairs are a fantasy land.

[in it]

Exactly and reality crashes in after whatever time.

I knew about the third time I saw him I had to get out of it.

But he had driven a considerable distance to see me and I felt guilty and sorry for him. It went on a lot longer than it should have...so it lasted 6 months.

Again even if I hadn't made that choice and I had lived in a bubble focusing only on the ex - this still would have happened.