[Medusa]

Once you stop allowing Monster it starves itself.  Up to you to put a stop to it.

Absolutely. We remove ourselves from it, and the monster finds a new victim. Mine currently seems to be focusing on our mediator. It's fascinating to watch. He seems to go after anyone whom he perceives as trying to stop him from doing whatever it is he wants.

6 weeks? Seriously? There is no timeline for grief: its individual.

Plus I think grief over a dead loved one is different than this grief. 

Of course its different. I lost my mom a year ago, and as painful as it was, I was able to celebrate her. My dad visited last month, and we spent hours talking about what a remarkable woman she was. She is gone and my family has closure. Conversely, the grieving process for my marriage has been drawn out because he isn't dead, he's elsewhere. We expect death. We do not expect the person we loved to treat us with utter disdain and torture us emotionally.

[terrified_in_TN]

6wks T , that's ridiculous . l'd def' move on from that women.

  LOL, you misunderstood-she has just become a very good friend.  She has helped me tremendously with my sitch.  She is a very strong independent woman-she has to be-she has a 17 yo autistic son.  Anyway, she has never actually been married, BUT...her mom left her step-dad for a year and a half AND got pregnant with a "love child" during that time.  They reconciled.  So she sort of has experience with this, although not directly.  Plus her studying Psychology is a bonus.  Strange enough, MLC is right there in her textbooks.  Too bad really, my new lawyer (also a judge) told me the courts do not recognize MLC.

-Terrified

[terrified_in_TN]

Back to the topic at hand, as I said earlier YES.

As far as me trying to figure out "why", here are some guesses in my particular sitch:

1)  I wasted 5 good years of her youth (she said she should have left 5 years ago when I had my mini MLC)
2)  I spoiled her good time by alerting her family to her affair
3)  I am the reason why she has been so unhappy for years
4)  I am standing up to her (out of character for me as I am a conflict avoider) fighting for custody of both girls (D16 lives with me, D5 lives with w)
5)  I kept telling her what a POS her OM is (a huge mistake I now know).  Those in her family that say the same to her also are met with monster.

Hmmm, thats it for now.  I'm sure there are others.

-Terrified

[Medusa]

Hey, Terrified, every "excuse" you listed is script.

1. We should have gotten divorced years ago when we were having problems.
2. I had the audacity to tell my sister what he was doing and then my idiot BIL called him out on it (at my mothers funeral when he was pretending to be a good husband)
3. I was the reason he wasn't happy because I was going through my own depression after getting laid off. I had a bad attitude (he was right on that one).
4. I am now making his life miserable because I'm standing up to him by agreeing to mediation (his idea).
5. I questioned the moral cole of OW when she broke up with him for spending too much time with his wife right after my mom died. I also shot a truth dart at him by saying she can't be such a wonderful person if she was willing to sleep with a married man when she, herself, was married.

I believe that sometimes they do want to hurt us and other times they are just so self-involved they really are clueless as to their behavior.  The worst things mine did were not about hurting me intentionally, but when his monster was at its meanest, yeah, he wanted me to hurt.

[MyBrainIsBroken]

I think we need a new law where you can't get assault and battery charges if you beat up a home wrecker.  That might curb some of this crap.      I'd volunteer to put this new law into place. 

I'm definitely in favor of this. In fact, I think you should get a medal or something, with bonus points for putting the SOB in the hospital. Do I sound bitter? I know it's not about the OM/OW but still, they are messing with somebody's marriage. 

I do hope someday God will judge them and his judgement will be severe.

[MyBrainIsBroken]

I saw the other guy very realistically after a very short time.  I did not want that. 

I knew about the third time I saw him I had to get out of it.
But he had driven a considerable distance to see me and I felt guilty and sorry for him. It went on a lot longer than it should have...so it lasted 6 months.

I appreciate your honesty in posting this. I hope my wife is as clear about things as you two. It's been almost five months for her and she really doesn't seem to be happy, but who knows, maybe all of the drinking she does now makes up for it.

[Janus2014]

If these answers are script...

1.  H "missed his chance" to break up 6 years ago when I had my mini MLC.  Despite us talking this out thoroughly 5 years ago after HIS RA, and both of us recommitting to the marriage.

2.  My oldest adult SD came close to discussing H's PA with me.  SD may know something about H's affair, but not from me.  When H learned that SD was texting me, H shut down my adult stepkids' communications with me.  They are so under his financial and mind control that they complied, despite my being in their lives for 12 years and never having a cross word with any of them, ever.

3.  In Feb., H wrote me a paper about all the nice things I'd done during our marriage.  In July, Monster H told me I was "only alive when I had someone to hate." 

4.  H told me I should not have "fought" him.  That we supposedly could have reconciled if I had responded to his 3 year affair by saying nothing more than, "H, come home, we're even."

5.  H stormed out and decided we were done when I suggested that OW was charging H for different sex acts because OW had sent H at least 50 Paypal money requests.

[hawk]

Ah sorry about the friend T , sounds like a great person to have around right now.

l got a lot of that stuff from ex too. Admittedly , l'd so carelessly hurt her with the EA though so she did wanna spit some real fire at me.
But hey , mine said she switched of 4yrs earlier to so what dif' could the ea make anyway.
l only 1/2 believe the 4yrs switch off myself,  and the same with yours.

l reckon things like that yeah , they come from somewhere , like mine did because we'd had some stupid nasty fights and some other things, but l also think it's 1/2 monstering to get their way to.
Me , l don't think we can take it all to heart , as someone said before , it's so script and l think they're right.  They do all seem to throw almost identical lines at us .

[in it]

IMHO as ridiculous as this might sound if you take all of this personally?

You are in for a world of crazy, devastation hurt and pain....

[Howmanytimes]

Hi Janus

Your H OW sounds like my H OW in that she is a right money grabber.  I think a lot of these OW are ruthless and only interested in our H for their money.  I often wonder if my H lost his job and couldn't get another one or if he became very ill and couldn't work if she would stick around.  I doubt it very much. They are all just ows at the end of the day.