[in it]

Pretty much all it came down to in the end for his exow was money..that's all they are after.

[Janus2014]

"I appreciate your honesty in posting this. I hope my wife is as clear about things as you two. It's been almost five months for her and she really doesn't seem to be happy, but who knows, maybe all of the drinking she does now makes up for it."

Thank you, MBIB.  Not easy to discuss, because I constantly wonder, what if that had never happened?  My brother says that based on H's behavior now, something would have happened, regardless.  Does your W have a job?  I did some more drinking with this other guy than I normally did, but it was "after work social drinking."  We have jobs and couldn't sit around a bar getting bombed all day.  I remember the infatuation, but I remember clarity taking its place rather rapidly.  It went on longer than it would have because I was on a work assignment near the guy.  But honestly, the source of it was my belief that H did not care much about me and was using me.  When I saw H hurt, I started to come out of it. 

I think that if they are stuck in childhood - and my Mom acts like this, too - they will throw temper tantrums just like a child and say or do anything to "hurt you back."  I've done some of this myself, and one of the only positives to come out of H's MLC is that I've re-connected with God and I've learned that it helps me to control that. 

"Your H OW sounds like my H OW in that she is a right money grabber."  Right on, HMT.  How is it that EVERYONE who knows this story - including middle-aged men who don't have a dog in this fight - wrinkle their noses when they hear of OW's requests for money?  H claims that OW's ex-H stopped paying child support and OW's kids were not eating properly.  OW and her family are in the UK and she and her ex have jobs.  I think OW's ex has a military pension and works at the Tower of London, where they provide housing.  Yet H would have me believe it took too long to enforce a support order in the UK and that OW couldn't get public assistance because OW and OW's ex both work.  So H becomes the only source of adequate revenue?  H claims OW was "desperate."  (H also told me that I would have helped out an AP in need.  Sure.  Imagine if I told H I was sending his money to my AP.)  I'd be interested to hear the UK-dweller take on that story.   

[SSG]

I have not been on for awhile, since my sitch has no happy ending...but here are my two cents.

8 months into H affair, I had a few months of monster, never knowing what the hell I did.  I read later, in H and OW secret FB messages, H wrote: "I am trying to make SSG mad, so she will leave me".

Then once I found out, he was nice again, stayed a few months, helping me with chores around the house before he finally left.

Three months ago, it was revealed he is dying.  Cancer of the lungs that has metastasized in adrenal glands and the brain.
1st treatment in August, 2nd in Sept, 3rd October....   

It is now 17 months after BD now (and 14 months since he moved in with OW, in her country)...last Friday, under H's FB name, OW wrote as H and blasted me left and right, to all our mutual FB friends, that I am a liar, spreading rumors about him (of course, not true...I have detached a long time ago), I am living on my H's full pension, still in our home and she is paying the rest of the bills.  (Oh, so, so not true...he cut me off financially Feb 1, 2014).

I was painted as the worst human being whose H is fighting for his life, and I am in our home, living life large.

I got help from the FB group (connected to this group)...but it was still hard.  I wrote H on Viber, a very, very long message and then they stopped the FB hate campaign.

So why??? I have stayed out of their lives since he drove off...he is dying, and after learning this, OW pushed him to file for D.  Now the blitzschlag on FB to paint me as evil.

No point, is there?  What more does she want ?  She's got my H...I have had zero contact with either of them....She is hoping the D goes through before he dies.  So why the FB crap against me.....?

SSG

[Janus2014]

SSG,

Does OW want some sort of insurance or survivor benefits?  Does SSG mean that your H is retired military?

[toomanytearss]

SSG, these are things I think we will never understand.  Ow does have an agenda, I'm sure, and that is to get the most from this poor man before he dies and to do that she believes he must divorce you and hopes you will be entitled to no benefits.  As far as your h goes, that is the thing we will never get an answer to I believe.

I also stepped away.  I have never intruded on his life with ow, made trouble, contacted them.  No way.  I can only imagine what has been said about me.  And yet he continues to bring his crazy into my life.  I ask myself this everyday - why, does he do this?  I think the only thing I can do is accept I will never know why.  It will never make sense. 

My h has told our older kids, and I'm sure his friends, although I don't speak to them (the friends), that I take all his money, treat him horribly, blah, blah, blah.  None of it is true.  He left me and d15 with practically nothing and for months did not contribute a dime, but stole all our money and gave it to ow.  Thousands of dollars.  The only people that know the truth about that and the fact that I never contact him first or give him grief is me, him and the kids. 

Another thing we just have to accept - that a lot of this we will never have an answer to. 

[Darth Obo]

They absolutely do try to hurt us in an attempt to push us away! Mine even admitted as much towards the end; even went so far as stating she wished she had just had a PA to hurt me more so that I would hate her and move on!

.............................

I find the best way to turn the tables is to gain inner strength, reclaim your self-worth and learn not to react.  It takes away their sense of strength.  They need that reaction to help them combat their inner feeling of helplessness and loss of control. I chose to not react to anything XW said or did unless it was an emergency.  Even when the truck was repossessed, I didn't say a word.  I will only bring out the claws if she endangers our children or creates a space that is not safe for them -- and she hasn't done that other than the emotional abandonment associated with MLC.

Months of not getting a reaction from me has broken her resolve. Now she creates opportunities to connect and communicate.  She desires to be "friends".  She spent an hour begging me for money a few days ago, using "please" over and over again. She is not a bully anymore because I no longer allow it.  Monster needs cooperation.  Monster needs to feed off of fear.  Once you decide to grow and you no longer emit that fear Monster so desperately needs, it changes the game.  Monster goes in hiding and, I believe, is eventually starved off.

So really, it depends on us.  That's why it is so important for us to do the inner work -- to gain strength, perspective and reclaim our self-worth.

Some very key points by DR and I have experienced this. She also wants to be "friends" and I had to point out recently that we ARE NOT friends; she is simply an acquaintance I was once married to and happen to have kids with; no more, no less!

I finally got to the point where not only do I not react to her; I call her out every chance I get. I essence, I had to fight fire with fire to get her to leave ME alone! I believe at some point, you may have to push back. I can't go completely dark due to D11, and she continually tried to engage me on other things, some inappropriate!! Early on, after the decision was made, she thought it was ok to discuss "personal" lives together. I tolerated it to a point in order to make the D go smoothly and not blow my deal. Recently I had just had enough. She came home late one evening after I agreed to watch D11 while she went to the gym (more visit time for me). I told her I am here to spend time & care for my child, not support her new social life. She went straight in to her "oh woe is me" and how she got dumped by her new BF, how she has been on several dates and can't get a call back, second BF went "awol" and hasn't called....... blah, blah, blah! I gave her a reality check (said in a very matter of fact tone)............

"Sorry you feel that way, but I have to say the 'dating game' just isn't favorable to you........you're 42 y/o; you're not 26 like you are trying to be and your new BFF you are hanging out with......you're aging and your looks are fading......you have excessive baggage.....you are co-dependent.....you rely on people too much for your happiness and they can see through that.....it's a shame that I am gone just as you wanted but yet, you are still not happy....such a waste......guess I wasn't the problem and the grass really isn't greener is it?" She started crying; I had to go so I told her sorry things weren't working out and try and have a good evening!

And yet, she still tries to engage me in convo that is not D11 related! Even now as I type this, she is pinging me on text about some BS at her work trying to engage some conversation. Cannot seem to get her to leave me alone and move on like she wanted!!!


DO

[SSG]

SSG,

Does OW want some sort of insurance or survivor benefits?  Does SSG mean that your H is retired military?

Take into the fact that H prob. lied to her about the way things work in Germany..but they need to be married a min of 10 years before she can get part of his pension.  She would get money from the gov. as a widow..but it isn't that much in the big picture.

He is going to lose his house as he quit working to run to her farm in the CZ Republic.  So there really isn't anything she would benefit from.  Since he has become a supreme liar, perhaps she is under the illusion that she gets our house, property and a healthy insurance policy...

Maybe she just wants to be Mrs. H, and me be the divorced loser...who the hell knows.

The attack on me, on FB was really bad......  I think that really sealed whether I will continue to stand or not.  I voted for NOT.  I am done.  I never wished for him to be deathly ill....but I told my attorney to drag out the divorce process...so when he passes on, we are still married.  I would get more benefits and more money than if we divorced.

SSG

[twiceburnt]

"Sorry you feel that way, but I have to say the 'dating game' just isn't favorable to you........you're 42 y/o; you're not 26 like you are trying to be and your new BFF you are hanging out with......you're aging and your looks are fading......you have excessive baggage.....you are co-dependent.....you rely on people too much for your happiness and they can see through that.....it's a shame that I am gone just as you wanted but yet, you are still not happy....such a waste......guess I wasn't the problem and the grass really isn't greener is it?" She started crying; I had to go so I told her sorry things weren't working out and try and have a good evening!

And yet, she still tries to engage me in convo that is not D11 related! Even now as I type this, she is pinging me on text about some BS at her work trying to engage some conversation. Cannot seem to get her to leave me alone and move on like she wanted!!!

Nice one Obo.    I don't think she's ever going to leave you alone.  She's probably starting to see that the grass isn't greener.  Obviously she's still in MLC or else she wouldn't still be trying to go on dates.  It is funny how clingers want us to move on, yet they don't really want us to move on - or make it very difficult to.  They still want their cake. 

I wonder what she's going to be like if/when she's out of the fog?  If she's this clingy now, I can only imagine how much she'll try to communicate with you.  My W practically stalked me when she wanted back the first time. 

[Darth Obo]

Nice one Obo.    I don't think she's ever going to leave you alone.  She's probably starting to see that the grass isn't greener.  Obviously she's still in MLC or else she wouldn't still be trying to go on dates.  It is funny how clingers want us to move on, yet they don't really want us to move on - or make it very difficult to.  They still want their cake. 

I wonder what she's going to be like if/when she's out of the fog?  If she's this clingy now, I can only imagine how much she'll try to communicate with you.  My W practically stalked me when she wanted back the first time.

It was harsh but honestly, it was the brutal truth and it obviously hit home!

She is definitely hitting the wall! I am pretty sure that BF#2 has dumped her or things have cooled. She had asked to allow D11 to meet him & if I wanted to meet him first (part of our agreement to protect D11). I said I will definitely meet him; public place preferred and it would be only him and I. The only thing that would be discussed is his exposure and actions around D11 and consequences if he crossed the boundaries. Apparently, he is a P***y; he was scared he would "get a gun in his face", or so the X told me! Wow.....really??? Since then, there has been no talk of it anymore and nothing of note coming from D11 (she tells me everything whether I want to know or not)!

I don't know what she will be like, but from what I am seeing, and the attempts at contact other than for D11, my guess is she is already seeing the grass is not green; it is $h!te brown. I am sure the fact I am in a new, solid relationship, cuts pretty deep too! I didn't jump into the dating game and all that crap; I actually met someone I liked and have high compatibility and have not detoured! Already got the "I can't believe you replaced me already" script and apparently she cried when she saw a picture of us together. I countered it with "Well, you did say you wanted me to find someone else and be happy" along with "Sorry you feel that way, but it's just how things are now so got to get use to it"!

And she still tries to prod me for info on my personal life; especially when she knows or suspects I have been with my GF!!!

When she comes out of the fog, I am guessing I am going to have to deal with a lot of regret and crying....and probably some begging! Who knows.....I'll deal with it when the time comes!


DO

[bipolared]

Wow DO, those were some truth spears, not truth darts!  Mine is telling me how he has talked to others who have separated and they don't care what their exes do yet the thought of me going out with someone just kills him.  He said, "Am I that shallow, that I want to go do whatever I want but don't want you to?".  Well yes, actually.  I must say it is tempting but I feel like he would come back if I did date but not having gone through the tunnel based on what others have told me.
Unbelievable how they know they are screwing up so badly sometimes but can't help themselves.  Probably your XW will be able to convince yourself that you are the bad guy somehow.