[Adia]

  :Thank you Blackice. I assume this is the Agape love for them. Though some may never realize they are damn lucky to have people that feel this type of love for them. For the first year and a half my stages swirled all over the place, in & out and back again. I work with mine, so I believe that kept me in a front row seating to the train wreck in progress. Probably not very healthy for me as I am very analytical and would pick apart everything. He finally filed for divorce this past August (even though he wanted this so badly) but has now stalled it as of yesterday.
The articles & story threads on this site have kept me sane. You are all a blessing to me.

[Blindsided13]

I bounce between stages. Mostly because I am not fully detached YET.  I get so angry for the way he puts OW before his children. I also get mad because of the way he treats me, as  non-existent. Logically I know it's him. I'm just having a hard time wrapping my head around MLC. 

[Adia]

The first year is the worst, I remember not sleeping, not eating and sometimes forgetting to breathe. Nothing felt normal. My thoughts would race through our years together trying to piece where and at what point I went wrong. Replaying past conversations and moments, constantly searching for an answer that would make sense of the senselessness of what he was saying. You didn't love me then, here or now? What? 
I have had some anger over the years but compared to the other stages, not much. Seems that it is always tempered with my empathy and love that I have for him. He doesn't get a free pass for his behavior from me or anything, but mostly I feel pity towards him. I believe that may be scarier than the anger.

[stayed]

Blindsided, your h has MOVED so quickly, from out the door to divorce, I think you are still in SHOCK.  I think you ricochet from SHOCK to ANGER and back again, over and over.  It has all happed just so fast. 

Have you a counselor?  I am wondering if you don't need some help with PTSD... if often comes along with this crisis thing.  You have had to be so strong, your daughter has been quite analytical about it all (which is worrisome) that being said, she seems to have the impression her dad is having some sort of PTSD thing.  She could very well be right.  This is probably helping to cope, as she definitely knows this man now, is not her father. She seems to be patiently waiting for him to come out of it.  Your son, is having a great deal of difficulty though.

This makes it even more difficult for you to heal, as you REALLY have not had an opportunity to GRIEVE over YOUR loss.   I know your son is hurting, but he has not lost his father.  He will always have his father.  Good, bad or indifferent.  That being said, YOU HAVE LOST YOUR HUSBAND.  Through no choice of your own.  You were given no input, nothing.  He just walked out the door and now he is divorcing you. 

Seeing as you have had to care for your children and having one child who is having a great deal of difficulty accepting this, has left you with very little time to truly GRIEVE, your personal loss.

Perhaps you could get a family member to stay with your children for a few days and take yourself off to a spa or some such thing.  Allow yourself some PERSONAL grieving time.  You are a pretty strong person Blindsided, but all of us have to let out our emotions... all of them and not only behind a closed door, late in the night, when nobody can hear or see you.

Hugs Stayed

[hopeful1]

Too funny. my H got his whole chest and stomach tattooed its huge.
I have never ever wanted a tattoo BUT
I too are drawn to getting one. i have told myself if after a year i still want one i will.
I want a bird cage with 25 lines representing 25years and i am now attracted to watches. As my life and future and healing is all about TIME TIME TIME!!!
funny we end up having our own crisis from the choices of our partners.
we are all certainly evolving and rediscovering ourselves from this experience
i know i am learning a lot about myself mostly by mistakes i have made with this whole MLC of my H and how I have reacted.
But its only a mistake they say if you don't  learn from them ... Oh Boy i have learnt the hard way, but alas i am learning

[stayed]

Everybody learns the hardway with this thing called MLC.   I don't think there is any other way.  I certainly would not have believed anybody who told me in the early days, to let go and detach!  Who knew, eh? 

You are sounding better, strong and calmer every time you post hopeful1.  Good for you !

Hugs Stayed

[onlyjo]

I was thinking about the stages last night.  i think i have reached acceptance, but also totally went through all the other stages, too. 
medusa and i are thinking with the same brain, it seems:

I am the same, S4A. Feelings of irritation and, rarely, anger, come up with I have to interact with him because he's such a jerk. I think this is just our minds continuing to make sense out of what has/is happening.

this is where i am.  i get angry that i actually have to interact with this person, and i sometimes get angry when i have correspondence from my attorney...

i am at a point now where i don't think i would consider welcoming ex h into my life.  nor can i imagine being at such a point--doesn't mean it can't/won't happen. i just can't imagine it happening. 

i also wonder if i will EVER be at a point where i'm ready to welcome someone into my life.  I would like someone to share "life" with, but don't really see myself with anyone else. i have created a good life for me and for 3d's without ex h, and i wonder if there is room for someone else.  i am sure there is, it's just where i am right now--thinking and wondering...i am not actively seeking a new relationship.  i am not lonely when i'm alone, and i'm not alone all that often because of 3d's...maybe i have just fallen into the routine and am content with that for now? 

is this even a "stage" hmm
onlyjo

[HeartTattoo]

1. Shock: "What the hell just happened?"
2. Denial: "This is so not happening."
3. Isolation: "I just want to sit in this all by myself."
4. Anger: "I hate you for breaking my heart!"
5. Bargaining: "What will it take to get him/her back?"
6. Depression: "I will never get over him/her."
7. Acceptance: "I understand why I was with him/her, why I'm not now, and that I will be better than just OK."

i think i have reached acceptance, but also totally went through all the other stages, too...this is where i am.  i get angry that i actually have to interact with this person, and i sometimes get angry when i have correspondence from my attorney...i am at a point now where i don't think i would consider welcoming ex h into my life. 

It seems many, moving past the 3 year mark, detach to the point of not believing their spouse would fit back into their lives.  Some still stand, others welcome new R's. 

At just the two year mark, I find it so hard to detach & yet also hold on to hope that my H will return in any sort of timely fashion (to me, at my age, 10 years just ain't realistic!)  I want to embrace "living like he's not coming home" & I know I will be ok if he doesn't; I have so much good in my life.  I want my H home, but exciting, albeit, scary, changes beckon when he D's me. 

I grow so weary of the "will he or won't he?" bumpy ride (no longer a roller coaster) of standing & wonder if just saying "It's over" wouldn't be a relief.  I think that will happen when his D is finished.  I will literally move on without him, a couple of hundred miles away, & maybe never see him again.

The current engagement with the D process leaves a lot of "yucky" feelings.  The expectation of finding lawyers' envelopes in my mailbox, the paperwork, the prospect of working out an agreement (or not being able to), anticipating the official severing of such a long, productive R.  Lots of "yucky" feelings these days.

[stayed]

OnlyJo, I think you are at, 3. Isolation: "I just want to sit in this all by myself."  Believe it or not, you have sort of "isolated" yourself.  You have found a happy place with your D's, friends, family.  I think are coming into ACCEPTANCE.  You aren't resistant to a NEW RELATIONSHIP, yet you are not actively seeking one out.  I get the impression you are "being still"!  Enjoying the peace your have finally found. 

Not a bad place to be at all.  I think you are doing what we all should try to do, finding inner peace and are learning to love, enjoy and trust your aloneness.  Contented tranquility is how I see you! No longer fighting the fight. 

You are going to be a wonderful catch for somebody one of these days.

Hugs Stayed

[LisaLives]

limitless posted a story on her thread about an LBSer she knows who just remarried after two years or so, and her thinking she should not be, that she can't possibly be ready. 

I think it's important to note that not all people process an MLC divorce the same way.  I don't think, for everyone, it is processed like grief.  For me, it was more like trauma recovery.  See this link for a short summary: http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/victim-survivor-thriver-trauma-stages/

Especially for people who have no inclination to stand, and have no concept of MLC, the sudden bomb is truly a violent attack and your former loving spouse becomes your worst enemy, so you are motivated to heal faster, so you can simply survive.  I think standers tend to get stuck in victim a LOT longer--victims of MLC, not of their spouse, so it's a nameless, faceless perpetrator, and all the while, the former loving spouse, in many ways gets a free pass to continue doing damage, thus delaying the healing process even longer. 

I think, in many ways, many standers become abused wives.  And many, in many senses, were before, but they won't acknowledge it. But, you have to look at it on a relative scale.  We are talking about emotional, not extreme physical abuse.  But, here is an explanation, with some examples:  http://annveilleux.com/articles/why-women-stay-understanding-the-battered-wife/.  When we choose to stand, we HAVE to look past the bad stuff, just like a battered wife.  We hold on, in love, in fear, or habit, knowing that we are being abused, in many respects.  And even if this is a conscious choice, there is still a LOT of cognitive dissonance you have to reconcile to make sense of it.  And that prevents true healing--because you are still not healing just yourself, but trying to keep dragging along a broken R that you can't fix without help. 

Hanging out with other standers keeps you from seeing that some of us never went through the same stages.  For me, there was no bargaining, no denial--I hired an attorney and got on with it, and even started dating before I ever found this site.  It was horrendous and my early days were just like yours--the shock, the fear, the weight loss.  But, I was gearing up for battle, to keep my kids, not to save my M.  I had no idea what happened, only that I was not going to let him and OW take my kids...  It was only once I got through victim to survivor that I found this site and even considered that there could be another answer. 

Just something to consider, but I truly believe there are different paths and timelines to healing.  Love and light, ll