[terrified_in_TN]

  Almost hate to bring this topic up, but PMing with another they said I should go ahead.  I know a lot of us are probably in the same boat-long term first and only marriages, but since I am going through my very first d, this is something that has been on my mind lately.  There has to be some people here who have experience with this topic.

  Basically what I want to know is, *ARE THERE* any differences between a "normal" d and a "MLC" d, and if so, what are they and what can one expect?

-T

[OldPilot]

A "NORMAL" divorce would be one where both parties want it and there is no sudden change in behavior that was completely unexpected by the other party leading to the divorce.

Or in cases where there is physical abuse, may not be "NORMAL" but it is not what we see on this board.

[in it]

I agree with OP.

 If two MATURE people feel the realtionship needs to be over they would sit down like adults figure out the finances and try to make it as easy for each other and any children as possible.

Heal and move on.

[UnconditionalLove]

MLC divorce is filled with chaos and drama. The MLC wants the divorce and yet makes it difficult. He wants everything, thinks W should get nothing.  Causing all kind of issues that make you have to go back to attornies all the time.

My H quit his job leaving me with no insurance so back to court we go. He thinks mediation would work but you can't work with a MLCer.

Also, MLC has something in their head how things should go but don't see the big picture. My H thought at first we could still be friends. He wasn't seeing divorce for what it was. 

I would say whenever you here about a divorce that was dirty, confusing, choatic. My guess would be that there was a MLC involved.

[Medusa]

He thinks mediation would work but you can't work with a MLCer. 

I would say whenever you here about a divorce that was dirty, confusing, choatic. My guess would be that there was a MLC involved.

I disagree about mediation. It isn't easy, but it can work if you've got a professional mediator who understands that one party is a nut job. I'm the the process right now, and the mediator is clearly protecting me.

I've also seen some awful divorces that had nothing to do with MLC: people get caught up in emotions and "winning".

[MeNow]

I think all you can hope for in a divorce is to minimize the damage. There's no way around it.

[Darth Obo]

Agree with OP & In It; if you can call divorce "normal" it is where the two realize they are no longer compatible and they settle things "rationally" and without intent of destroying themselves or each other and place the needs of the children (if there are any) first!

However.......

I disagree about mediation. It isn't easy, but it can work if you've got a professional mediator who understands that one party is a nut job. I'm the the process right now, and the mediator is clearly protecting me.

We didn't use a mediator, however, we did resolve everything on our own and used LegalZoom to file everything ourselves. Now, this will all depend on a few things:
1) Your MLCer & type (mine was a Clinger)
2) How you reacted and are reacting to your MLCer
3) How much you are willing to negotiate and can you persuade your MLCer to negotiate

I didn't get out squeaky clean, but I still fared FAR BETTER than if it would have went to court. You have to look long term. I agreed to an amount of alimony and certain concessions in order to save myself financially in the long term where my retirement and 401(k) was concerned! I won't be a slave paying her forever which was my goal! And more importantly, the impact on D11 has been mitigated the best that I could have possibly done!

Usually in the beginning, they just want the hell out! Mine was this way; she was ready to take just her bags, her car, and leave D11 & the house with me! I kick myself daily for not letting her go then. The problem is, we usually aren't ready at that time to let it go; by the time we are ready, the selfishness and entitlement kicks in!

My advice, let them go when you can get the best deal & protection for you & the kids. It's very very tough to do, it's very raw, and you don't fully understand this early on, but it seems the longer you linger, the more they become self aware and entitled!

Just my $0.02!!!!


DO

[OldPilot]

My advice, let them go when you can get the best deal & protection for you & the kids. It's very very tough to do, it's very raw, and you don't fully understand this early on, but it seems the longer you linger, the more they become self aware and entitled!

As much as I would like for you to be wrong about this, I am afraid your advice is spot on.

The earlier you "let go" and get an agreement the better off you may be financially.
The longer you wait and hold out the worse you will do in the

"War of the Roses"

And nobody is ever going to win!

[ShadesofGrey]

I'm in the midst of a D right now and I relate to everything posted thus far. H thinks we can be friends. Thinks there's no reason to work with an attorney due to our 'forthright and honest' relationship. Thinks we can talk this out between the two of us...yada, yada.

I got an attorney very early on and clearly stated to H that I did so because 1) he has tons of mediation experience and I'm completely out gunned, 2) We have a bulldozer/keeps her mouth shut dynamic (he's the bulldozer  which isn't good for mediation and 3) I simply don't trust him any longer. I did suggest that we try to come up with some mutually agreed upon baseline assumptions. He said, "absolutely," then told me there was no way he could increase my temporary support because he 'won't live on a shoestring' give how hard he works. It took everything in me not to remind him that I'm NEVER the one who wanted this divorce, and that what he expects me to live on every month is 40% less than his pocket money. Instead I write that yes, this sucks, but it's just a painful reality of divorce. His reply: he disagrees that this has to be painful. How nice for him 

It takes a ton of energy to go through a divorce you never saw coming, and certainly never wanted. I try not to get angry--no detaching there--but I've found some anger is helpful to gin up the energy to do what needs to be done: the financial reporting, the calls to the attorney, the back and forth with H.

I consider walking this path, navigating an unwanted divorce in the midst of huge emotional pain, and doing so consciously, with as much integrity and self-care/self-awareness as possible, a master class in human growth. When we live through it, and we will, we will be prepared for nearly anything life has to throw our way, and, at least for me, the scariest things in life (i.e. the knowledge that I'll one day lose my mother) seem less daunting now.

[Mac49]

Terrified:

If it's inevitable do the work.

The MLC'r wants - Money, support, time, "friendship", everything you have always given. Use this to your advantage. If you can swing the house, buy her out Monster loves cash. Get her out - Possession is 9/10ths. Play "Nice" and finalize agreements, legally. When the sharks get involved or she gets bad advice from a toxic friend, from my experience, it really gets ugly.

Peace on your journey Brother

Mac