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Author Topic: Mirror-Work Return Stories Part Three

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Mirror-Work Return Stories Part Three
OP: November 18, 2014, 12:33:30 PM
Link to old thread:

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1756.0

First thread
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=237.0

Thought it was time to start a new thread.

I had a conversation with my dental hygenist today.  Really nice young gal.  Been going to her for some time.  Over the years I have shared with her my experience with my Ex.

Today she shared that her Father left her Mother when she was 16 years old.  (Got involved with Mother's best friend...so typical).  She and her brother lived with their Father until they went out on their own.   They refused to have anything to do with OW.  Her parent never divorced, but her Dad was with the OW for 14 years.  14 years!  He never lived with her.  They kept separate homes and separate lives.  She wasn't welcome with HIS family.  OW used to send her Christmas gifts and cards - but my hygenist wanted NOTHING to do with her. 

Her Mother was devastated...as we all know that feeling.  Yet, she picked up her life, went back to school and became a nurse.  She dated a little - but did not get serious with anyone. 

A few years back, her Father left the OW.  Apparently she was pushing to live together...get married.  He didn't want to do that.  So, they broke up. 

Her Dad contacted her Mother....they began to do things together....have dinner, spend time, go out, etc.  According to my dental hygenist - they are the best of friends and spend a lot of time together.  The all have holidays together, as well.  She believes that her Dad would like to be in a relationship with her Mom.....but her Mom is reluctant.  She believes if the two were open to get some counseling and work through it - they could reconcile...but her Dad "isn't the counseling type."

One other interesting thing - OW continues to send him notes wanting to reconcile - but he isn't interested in the slightest. 

Who knows where it will go from here.

L

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« Last Edit: November 20, 2014, 03:50:31 AM by OldPilot »
M -64,  ExH - 71 (57 at BD)
M - 33 years (did the last 3 years count?)
D - 34, D -30, S - 30
BD 5/29/2010, Ran away from home - 8/15/2010,
Found out about affair - 2/11
H asks for divorce - 8/11
H filed for divorce 10/11
Announced "new" girlfriend 12/12 (3rd OW)
Divorce final 06/13 (I decided to finish it)
Dumped OW#3 9/15 (After 4 years)
Married OW#1 2019
OW#1 filed for divorce from ExH 9/24

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Re: Return Stories Part Three
#1: January 03, 2015, 11:23:24 PM
My parents and heroes , together 56yrs. Warning , might make ya cry.

We had a huge family , 12 , mum was meant to stop at 7 , but she was catholic and wouldn't use anything.
Eventually it all got too much , as you could imagine. She started going a bit crazy , talking crazy  here. But she also would not associate with dad in anyway. For years it was just wise cracks whenever he opened his mouth or was around.
He was a strong man , mans man .But even us kids use to think why , don't live like this dad , divorce her.
Eventually , after sticking by her for years , he started getting gf's , he was always highly sexed , we never knew how he lasted that long.
Then he bought a holiday house 8hrs drive. He started going up there straight after work Friday nights , went on for 3 or 4 yrs.
He had a gf up there but even we couldn't blame him the way mum treated him.

Meanwhile , go figure seems she seem to hate dad , but mum would not go near other men. When dad wasn't around , she talked about him and lived as if she was a loyal wife.  Don't ask me to explain it , l still can't.
Underneath it all though , l think he was only ever the only man for her. Although she was going through sh@t , she was still a one man women.

Dad was still living at home , mum was in and out of hospital like a second home. We nearly lost her 4 or 5 times. But every time she got sick , dad would drop everything and be at her bed in hospital for as long as it took.

My dad was in business and at 65 he went broke . Mum started to change , he dropped the gf's , mum never did like all the money , she just wasn't interested in money or business.
They were actually talking again , even when they were alone . We hadn't seen that in 15yrs .
Mum still talked about dad as if he was her hero , same as she did when she was treating him like sh@t  , that never ever changed.
Then they retired and both , yep both , moved up to the holiday house. area but he didn't own the house anymore and they had to go on the pension because he went broke. But they rented a unit in town . They still had separate bedrooms , but they would cackle away around each other like a couple of old women  .
Dad would still talk about mum a lot to , and basically wait on her , fuss over her .
Then they got older and mum started getting sick again until it was the last stand . We all knew we'd lose her soon , dad to.
But dad started getting sick to . Then they found out he had so many blockages he shouldn't even be here. But he was too old now to take the operations .
Mum got worse and dad had had 6 heart attacks , yep , 6 .
But he wouldn't go . He was going to stay to look after mum first , if it was the last thing he did.
Well he did that and we all saw her off with dad.
He said to me that day , l hope the kids are gonna be ok and l'll stick around as long as l can to be there.
Well , he managed another 18mths and we lost him to.
But in visits and stuff , he'd stuck by mum and seen her off , and then he'd stuck by he's kids to make sure they were ok and then,  it was time to check out .
They just don't make em like that any more .  MN summed it up in another thread . The way the world is now , the cheap quick thrills , the lack of !

But you know what , my ex was their favorite of all the sons and sister in laws , kids , the lot . They loved her. Dad especially but mum to bc ex was a nurse and all mums hospital , she had real respect for nurses.
So in a way l as so relieved they weren't here to see what she did in the end.
l know they know now but at least , well hopefully they were busy up there at the time.
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« Last Edit: January 04, 2015, 12:22:53 AM by hawk »
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Re: Return Stories Part Three
#2: February 04, 2015, 03:20:24 AM
Just wondering , no more return stories , that can't be right can it ???
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Re: Return Stories Part Three
#3: March 03, 2015, 04:30:21 PM
Link to old thread:

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1756.0

First thread
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=237.0

Thought it was time to start a new thread.

I had a conversation with my dental hygenist today.  Really nice young gal.  Been going to her for some time.  Over the years I have shared with her my experience with my Ex.

Today she shared that her Father left her Mother when she was 16 years old.  (Got involved with Mother's best friend...so typical).  She and her brother lived with their Father until they went out on their own.   They refused to have anything to do with OW.  Her parent never divorced, but her Dad was with the OW for 14 years.  14 years!  He never lived with her.  They kept separate homes and separate lives.  She wasn't welcome with HIS family.  OW used to send her Christmas gifts and cards - but my hygenist wanted NOTHING to do with her. 

Her Mother was devastated...as we all know that feeling.  Yet, she picked up her life, went back to school and became a nurse.  She dated a little - but did not get serious with anyone. 

A few years back, her Father left the OW.  Apparently she was pushing to live together...get married.  He didn't want to do that.  So, they broke up. 

Her Dad contacted her Mother....they began to do things together....have dinner, spend time, go out, etc.  According to my dental hygenist - they are the best of friends and spend a lot of time together.  The all have holidays together, as well.  She believes that her Dad would like to be in a relationship with her Mom.....but her Mom is reluctant.  She believes if the two were open to get some counseling and work through it - they could reconcile...but her Dad "isn't the counseling type."

One other interesting thing - OW continues to send him notes wanting to reconcile - but he isn't interested in the slightest. 

Who knows where it will go from here.

L

I went to the dentist today....saw my usual dental hygenist.

Her parents are now living together.  She told me that the reason was "financial" - but I wonder. 

My hygenist got married recently - with both of her parents in attendance...TOGETHER.

L
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M -64,  ExH - 71 (57 at BD)
M - 33 years (did the last 3 years count?)
D - 34, D -30, S - 30
BD 5/29/2010, Ran away from home - 8/15/2010,
Found out about affair - 2/11
H asks for divorce - 8/11
H filed for divorce 10/11
Announced "new" girlfriend 12/12 (3rd OW)
Divorce final 06/13 (I decided to finish it)
Dumped OW#3 9/15 (After 4 years)
Married OW#1 2019
OW#1 filed for divorce from ExH 9/24

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Re: Return Stories Part Three
#4: March 13, 2015, 07:51:06 AM
Well, I have a return story.  H returned home Dec 19.  Home ever since.  I know it hasn't been long since H has been home, but so far showing "not many" signs of being untrustworthy.  However, I think I need to work on my own trusting issues.  Granted, I have seens a few things that "didn't add up" in my mind, but they were small and probably just exaggerated in my own mind and insecurity-I don't know.......Trust is something I work on and struggle with every day since H has been home.  I don't know for sure if OW is gone.  So he says.  So, I suppose I take comfort in that.  If there is anyone out there with a return story that you can share with me to help with the trust and getting past it all, it would be helpful.   Thank you.
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Re: Return Stories Part Three
#5: March 20, 2015, 12:45:05 PM
Hi Hero. My H came back after being gone 1 month 1/2. He displayed every sign of MLC to a tee. Sometimes I feel unsure of posting because he wasn't gone for very long at all. We're doing pretty well. I continue so much of what I've learned here when it comes to reconciliation.  I realize that the trust can never be 100% again. I guess I try not to think of it in those terms. It is hard when we've been through so much. I continue GAL: Exercising, working, meeting friends, etc. I've continued  to do things for myself that I started when he was gone: mani/pedis, regular hair appointments, shoe shopping!  I'm struggling to be more of the distancer rather than the pursuer, this is what is hardest for me.  I used to be the spouse who took charge of EVERYTHING: bills, kids' appts, teacher conferences, groceries, car stuff... on & on.  Well not anymore: he wanted a damsel in distress, well he's got one, me! I let him take care of me & those things so much more than I ever thought I would.  I really think it makes him feel more needed.  I also think he feels it's helping him to make up for his evil doings. And I'm getting many more much deserved breaks.

I can't put it as eloquently as so many of our fellow LBS have but I've found that I can endure with or without my H. I'm thrilled & blessed that we're together but I won't lose this woman that I've become because we are. During his absence I grew in spirit & understanding of myself. Most importantly,  I grew closer to God than I've ever been in my life,  & that endures.

Hopefully I helped a little bit. If you have any questions that are more specific I'll try to help further.
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Married 13 years, together 23
Apr 2014: PA discovered, ow 22 yrs younger
May 2014: "I love her & she loves me"
("But I'll always love you the most")
Jun 2014: Left home to live w OW
Aug 2014: Back home. "Sorry, made mistakes"
Late 2015: Ow2 (a couple of dates I think). Monster
  returned for several months 
Today: H progressing thru mlc positively. Has remained
  home and reconciled
Arguments & disagreements very infrequent
Enjoying our time together

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Re: Return Stories Part Three
#6: June 28, 2015, 11:00:29 AM
Not sure if the male in this story was a MLCer, but it is a return story, nonetheless.  I met a parent the other day, who was actually the OW.  She married a man who left his former wife for her, and they had 2 kids together (3 years old and 5 years old).  This man has 2 adult sons (30 years old and 28 years old) with his former wife.  The OW said that this man has been a good father to their young children, still sees them regularly, and said that she hoped that they'd get back together in the future.  She also said that there is no way they'd get back together right now, because he is 'too into his other family'.  :o  When I asked why he decided to leave, she said that his reason was that he was stressed out about not being present in his two older sons' lives and needed to go home (where both of his sons and his ex-wife live).  It sounded like he and his ex-wife are back together, though the OW seemed to want to be vague regarding those details. 
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Re: Return Stories Part Three
#7: June 28, 2015, 09:49:16 PM
I have a return story of sorts. I don't know the exact details but it's interesting none the less. One of my friends at works brother was married for 25 years. His wife was 49 and had a midlife crisis and took off with a younger man. Don't know his age. They ended up marrying. Were together for a couple years and she ended up getting diagnosed w breast cancer. He cleaned out their bank account and left. Her ex (my co workers brother) started helping her while she was going through treatment and such. Then their relationship bloomed again. They are now dating but are not re-married yet, but sounds like it is headed that way. My friend is mad at her brother because she doesn't want him to go back to her. Thinks she just came back because the other guy dumped her. But he never stopped loving her. Another friend who knows both parties and has spoken to the MLC wife after she was left by other man, says MLC said she spoke about not knowing what she was thinking and why she thought she would be happy with someone else.
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Re: Return Stories Part Three
#8: July 30, 2015, 03:49:06 PM
I am going to share a story that I saw on television yesterday night. Might not sound so interesting because it was on the television, but this was actually a Norweigan show about relationships, the concept being that couples would be assessed on their chances by two relationship councellors, based on some personality tests, interviews and observations of some tasks that were set up for them so that the relationship experts could observe how they interacted in different situations. The couple were in their late sixties or early seventies, both still active professionals. The woman had been married three times - the third time to this man, whom she had divorced due to his infidelity (I think repeated but not sure how much, they only said it happened more than once). Don't know about his previous marriages or long term relationships. Anyway, they had been separated for 3-4 years and then gotten together again. The separation had been tough, at least for the woman, and apparently there had been a few months during which time he was undecided, but they still lived together. After some time, she had ended it because the situation was too hard for her. She said she had never pictured them together again. Anyway, they were now back together, and their relationship had been transformed because they both now knew that a good relationship does not "come for free", so they made an effort to choose each other every day. From what I could see as a viewer, they did indeed seem to have a good relationship. The relationship experts judged that they stood very good chances to stay together, and complimented their interaction. It was a nice return story anyway. Not sure whether it was a midlife crisis, but could well have been.

Hugs & strength,

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Re: Return Stories Part Three
#9: August 01, 2015, 03:00:45 PM
Just one from me..

I was talking to a lady I often meet and we walk our dogs together.. this was a month or two back and this particular morning I was not coping well when I bumped into her.  SO whereas normally I paint on my "smiley" face I told her me and H were not together and mentioned something about MLC.  I said to her please don't thing this is about dressing younger and buying a Harley Davidson and she said no I completely understand because my friend's husband went through it.

She then told me about her friend.  Apparently her (friend's) husband's dad had died and then his friend committed suicide and then he went of the rails, he ended up moving in with his mum and had an affair.  His wife was very adamant that he stayed away until he sorted 'himself out' to protect their daughter.
After about 6-7 months he started talking to his wife and wanted to come back.  She insisted he went to counselling and just over a year he moved back.  She said things are not great but it is now 18 months later and they are getting there.
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Re: Return Stories Part Three
#10: September 12, 2015, 01:14:42 PM
I just saw my acupuncturist, who said that her friend at work (46 years old) and her friend's bf are no longer together.   Apparently, the friend was the OW in this story, as her bf (now 56 years old) left his wife 6 years ago and moved in with her.  They had been dating and living together for 6 years.  Just recently, he said to her, 'I am leaving you and going back to my wife', packed his stuff, and moved back home.   I asked my acupuncturist whether her friend's ex-bf is still married to his wife, and she said that she thinks that they are divorced, but he referred to her as his 'wife'.

Also, a couple of years ago, my cousin's wife left him (they are both in their mid 30s so not sure if it is MLC), though I know she was acting peculiar during the time.  Anyway, my cousin wanted him back, but she wouldn't have it and they divorced; 3 or so years later she contacted him and asked for him back, he said no - he had already moved on.
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Re: Return Stories Part Three
#11: September 12, 2015, 06:05:25 PM
When it rains it pours... I just told my mom about what my acupuncturist told me and she said that she knew a man who left his W and 3 kids at 39 or 40 years old.  He left her for OW, got divorced, and married the OW + had a son with her; 7 years later he divorced the OW and remarried his wife. My mom did not know all of the details, but said, 'I guess a lot of people go though this?'. 7 years later? geez
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Re: Return Stories Part Three
#12: September 12, 2015, 08:00:06 PM
I worked with a woman many years ago who had divorced her H and then a few years later they got married again and lived happily ever after, until he died a few years back. I have no idea if it was MLC, but I suspect it could've been. They would've been the right age range.
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Re: Return Stories Part Three
#13: September 12, 2015, 11:59:12 PM
I heard on a radio programme called I- PM which is where listeners can write in to the programme about a moment in their day. It has to be just a couple of sentences and they read out a whole load of them in the space of 5 minutes to give a snapshot of people's lives in that day.
The writer has to write in the first person  singular and it is read out that way.

This is the one that stuck in my mind.
"Today my partner of 18 years told me that he had enough of our relationship and has gone back to his wife who he left 33 YEARS ago. I am 76 and he is 77. "

Not quite sure what to make of that.  Is the H having a very late MLC - more likely that he had his MLC 33 years ago and it was never resolved and now he has returned.

The second story was this
"Today I returned to live the rest of my life with my first boyfriend. We both married other people and had families but our connection never dropped and is stronger than ever. I am so happy and we are getting married"   So is this a return or MLC?   

Crazy world!
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BD march 2013
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OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017.
Separated 2022 (my choice because he wanted to live alone) and yet fully reconnected seeing each other often.

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Re: Return Stories Part Three
#14: September 13, 2015, 04:18:20 AM
I was getting my hair done and chatting with the stylist a few weeks ago.

She told me how the father of her kids walked out on them when her boys were very young. Not sure if they were married. But he later married OW. Would show up with a brand new car but not be able to give her $60 for school supplies. Things like that. She told him you're making a mistake, your marriage is not going to last more than 5 years. Sure enough around the 5 year mark they got divorced and he wanted to come back! She told him no. He still wants her back and their kids are adults now. She wants nothing to do with him. Guess she wasn't a stander. lol.

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Childhood sweethearts
Together 14 years, married 8
H 31 . Me 29 . D 3

2/13 BD #1 unhappy
7/13 BD #2 ilybnilwy
2/14 Left
3/14 Home
2/15 BD #3 unhappy, done, don't love you
3/15 Left

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Re: Return Stories Part Three
#15: September 22, 2015, 05:37:10 PM
 So today I wanted to share a story about a woman  that lives in the elderly home I am volunteering at least twice a week .  I have just started last month and so I still get to know the people and the life's and the stores to have to share Little by little.

 Every day before I go I ask God to show me where I am needed most that day and who needs to be listened to and so I just go with the flow walk my rounds..

 So we were having a girls group conversation and all of them talked about how long they were married and talk about their spouses and so on.  one of the ladies there is 96 years old (just had her birthday 2 weeks ago) and she said she was 21 years married until her husband left her and their 4 children .. 
She said her oldest then was 15 and the youngest 7 years old . 
And I just said "oh my gosh that is what my husband is doing right now" and ask her how old she was ..she said she was 37 years old and her husband was in his early 40s ..  So it screams midlife crises !!  :o :o :o

 I'll ask her then if he ever came back and said he was sorry..? she said "yes, three years later he turned around and said he wanted to come back home but she said no you made your bed and have to lay in it".. She went on and got a job and took care of her 4 kids on her own.. Mind you that was 60 years ago!! So much harder to do when most women dependent on their husbands! That took some guts..

 I know that this form is about standing.. and I respect that... but that's not what I'm talking about what I got out from this was she said to me :

" take one day at a time ..you can do this! you will get out stronger and my four children love me and are very proud of me and how strong I was then,  I could take care of my kids all by myself ,I didn't need a man .. So just trust God ,the good Lord, he will see you through and everything will be OK .."


 I guess I needed that message and again I'm amazed that people still come forward to me and share their story.. mind you she was already the second lady in the nursing home whose husband has walked out on her .

 She said she never dated again but it's not that she didn't want to -it's just that she took care of her children and then by the time that they were old enough ,she felt she was too old to date again ..but she said she never minded she was happy .

 She said later to me that thank you for sharing my story with you and I said no I thank you From the bottom of my heart I do .

 She says her 4 children are very proud of her and don't really have any contact to their father .  And I asked about the husband if he was ever happy and she said honestly I don't know I never saw him again really .

 Bottom line is no matter what trust in God he will see you through and trust in yourself you can come out as a better person ..  :D
 
 That's why I wanted to hear because those stories a priceless and that means so much to me right now ...
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Me 32 (German)
H 37 (American)
Married 2005
Bomb drop 05/05/2015
Signed legal separation (him pressuring) 09/01/2015
3 kids ages 9,7 & 5 years

Started EA - she gets him.
Due to location (international) only contact via whassapp, Skype etc. but pretty sure they found ways to see each other already
Talking about divorce since 08/24/2015


Moved  out June 12,2015

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Re: Return Stories Part Three
#16: September 25, 2015, 06:04:48 AM
Last Christmas I was buying my daughter a charm bracelet and there was the cutest "daddy's little girl" charm which would have been the first one I picked out if things had been different.  I picked out some other charms and was getting ready to check out when I just stopped suddenly and asked the lady to switch one to the daddy charm.  I was talking myself into it and I said out loud "It's the right thing to do" (all our gifts to our children continue to be joint gifts).  The lady looked at me like I was crazy so I just very simply said "My husband and I recently separated".  She launched into her story.  Her husband left when their 8 month old daughter died suddenly.  He was doing what mine does - comes and goes, is pleasant some days, withdrawn other.  She said he acted like that for over a year, then he began to improve for another 6 months or so before finally moving back home.  That was 5 years ago.

She kept saying "Just keep holding on - it will get better".

I so needed her that day and I think of her often.  I've even been back to the jewelry store but she no longer works there.
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Re: What's BOMB DROP for a Wallower??
#17: June 02, 2016, 04:43:11 PM
RETURN STORY that I couldn't figure out how to post on "Return Stories."

1) Not mine of course, but I was talking to my brother a few days ago who reminded me that our own father left home for over a year to go live with the OW. Now, I remembered this, but I was 5 years old at the time and somehow believed it was for only a week or so. I never remembered him being gone for over a year. I even remember meeting the OW at some point and going over to their apartment. Jeez. But my brother confirmed that it was indeed over a year that he was gone, probably like 18 months. He did come back and never left again until 20 or so years later when he passed away.

2) I was talking to a friend of mine who casually slipped it in that his parents split up twice while he was growing up. The first time was when they were small kids--he said it was about 6 months or so. The second time his parents split up he was in high school and he remembers his dad being gone for over a year. My friend is now 49 years old and his parents are STILL married. I can tell you that they are a pretty happy couple!

3) my own wanting to return to my first h but not being able to because he was too angry with me. I would have returned after 2 years (I sat down the other night and made a pretty approximate timeline and I remember where I was at the 2 year mark after BD, and I would have returned if I thought it was an option. I remember even putting out some feelers at that point).

I am feeling optimistic today and wanted to share with everyone some positive stories!!
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Jan 2014: first signs of MLC (suspected EA)
May 2014: h's mom dies--goes into deep depression
Sept 2014: D is born
Oct 2014: BD#1: ILYBNILWY
Feb 2015: BD#2: I want to leave
Oct 2015: BD#3: I'm leaving in Dec 2015
Dec 2015: BD#4: I'm leaving in Feb 2016
Mar 2016: I demand that h leaves and he finally does

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Re: Return Stories Part Three
#18: June 04, 2016, 04:45:47 PM
Thanks Sewing. MLC & the fallout from it of divorces & abandonment has been alive & flourishing all around us all our lives & we had no idea.  At least we can thank God that we have modern technology to help us gain knowledge & awareness as well as support. 
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Married 13 years, together 23
Apr 2014: PA discovered, ow 22 yrs younger
May 2014: "I love her & she loves me"
("But I'll always love you the most")
Jun 2014: Left home to live w OW
Aug 2014: Back home. "Sorry, made mistakes"
Late 2015: Ow2 (a couple of dates I think). Monster
  returned for several months 
Today: H progressing thru mlc positively. Has remained
  home and reconciled
Arguments & disagreements very infrequent
Enjoying our time together

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Re: Return Stories Part Three
#19: August 19, 2016, 07:59:34 AM
Hi Everyone,

I am currently being divorced from my wife of 27 years. I have always
loved her and have been proud to be her husband. She was also my best friend.
Up until her MLC, she was an awesome and loving mother and wife.  Once MLC hit her,
She said things to the kids and myself that was just plain bazaar. Things she would never
do or say before.

I don’t know if there is a OM, but there are many signs and coincedences.

Here is why I have hope:

We have a son and daughter.  My son is 18 now.
When I was his age, my parents went through the hell because of an affair.
At the time, I didn’t know what was going on, I just thought my parents we’re fighting.  I remember the intensity and anxiousness of my father (who with good reason) was all over the place.  I understand this now.  I think I was in my late 20’s that an uncle of told me what really happened.

My parents never fought.  Both were loving parents and we had a large extended loving family.
(Grandparents, uncles, aunts, 2nd and 3rd cousins - All loving people)
My father found out that my mother had been having an affair with her boss.

(I think my wife got bored and her boss was pretty well off - and married mind you.)
I remember answering the phone and her boss would ask for her.
I just thought it was work related and didn’t even give it a second thought.

I don’t know how long the affair was, I don’t know any of the details on how my parents worked through it. I don’t remember them going to counceling.

I am glad they worked though it.  It has been over 30 years now since it happened. They have been married 54 years.

I have always been proud that my father was strong enough to forgive my mother.
I have always been proud of my mother in the fact that she never again hurt my father as she did.
They have been inseperable since.

I know there are folks on this site that say “your marriage is over, get on with yourself”
“forget her and do things you want to do”

I’m sorry, I’ve always done what I wanted to do. I never missed out on anything because of my marriage.
Nor did my wife.  OK - I guess you could say “did you travel and see the world?”  Sorry, that could have
easily been done together - so in my mind, that don’t count.

Anyway, the reason I don’t want to give up hope, is that my parents are a shining examples (to me) that marriages
do go through ups and downs.  They have exciting and boring moments - and they can definitely be saved.
My parents are going through the final stages of life together - happily and I am very glad they both
made the decision to do so.

Cheers everyone.
Speed
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Re: Return Stories Part Three
#20: August 19, 2016, 08:06:27 AM
This line from my story about was wrong:
(I think my wife got bored and her boss was pretty well off - and married mind you.)

It should been my mother, not my wife.....

Sorry -

Speed
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Re: Return Stories Part Three
#21: May 07, 2017, 09:17:44 PM
Last return story was Aug 2016......surely this can't be correct?  Anyone got any stories to Share? 
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Me 47
Him 47
OW 32
Married - 20 years
Together - 28 years
BD - Nov 2014 - reason for affair said I controlled his life, wore flannelette pyjama pants to bed and drove our family car 🤔
Moved in with Young OW and her 2 kids Jan 2015
Total Vanisher
Divorced Sept 2016
S21, S17, S16 (autism), D14

🌹🌹Let's be real...Bren is the only one who can do Bren. I'm the best Bren on the planet. Trying to turn a skank into a Bren? That will surely end in disappointment, if it hasn't already.🌹🌹

❤❤Family isn't an important thing.  IT IS EVERYTHING!! ❤❤



Vanished Return Stories Thread #1 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9088.0;all
Vanisher Return Stories Link Thread #2 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9378.new#new

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Re: Return Stories Part Three
#22: May 08, 2017, 07:25:36 PM
My teacher that I work with had some sort of crisis when she was in her late 30's.  She left her teenage son with her H and moved out with her teenage daughter.  She had been talking to an old high school sweetheart in another State.  They got a D and she ended up marrying her high school sweetheart.  It lasted a very short time, and I don't believe they ever ended up living together, as he didn't move from his State.  She got an annulment and she and her former H reconciled.  They have never remarried, but the 4 of them are all back in the family home and things have been good for about 5 years now.  When she talks about that crazy time she has a lot of awareness, so I don't know that hers was MLC or just a MLT or what.

Someone else I was talking to, pretty sure IRL was telling me that her dad gave her mom the ILYBNILWY speech and they ended up living with her grandma for several years.  And then her dad and mom reconciled.
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Re: Return Stories Part Three
#23: May 17, 2017, 12:37:48 PM
I have a couple:

*A friend of my H had left his wife of many years for OW.  They moved in together and he was planning a D.  After a month, he decided he couldn't do it and broke it off and a few weeks later, went home to his wife.

*A friend of mine was divorced last April and is now in very early stages of reconciliation with her H.  He had moved out of state and they are now looking for places for her to move to be closer to him so that they can start really working on things. 
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Together for 23 years, Married for almost 14 years.
Me:  42, H:  44 
Never blessed with human children but we have 3 rescued dogs who are like family.
Bomb dropped in Oct., 2015

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11

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Re: Return Stories Part Three
#24: May 30, 2017, 02:12:17 PM
My H and I recently reconciled after 6 years of MLC.  The story script is all the same, the message to LBS is clear....detach emotionally, live your best life and try to not engage with the angry MLCer.....I followed some very good advice from his forum and after what felt like forever, my H came home last August.  Our relationship is better than it ever was prior to MLC....he is more aware of his own emotions, communicates clearly and shows me his love and commitment daily.  For anyone questioning themselves, you must make the commitment to your self in that you will not be prodded into the MLC turmoil....as they will do things that will make your head spin, and live your life "As IF" until you find your new normal.  It is also true that the MLCer does not remember many of the stupid, silly things they do, but the LBS will remember (an area I deal with in forgiving and living life forward).  The MLCer does not grovel and beg, although they are clearly aware of the precious family and/or spouse that they sacrificed during their craziness.  I wish the best for all LBS and will be happy to answer any questions.
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Re: Return Stories Part Three
#25: June 12, 2017, 08:08:48 AM
My (x) husband is planning on marrying the ow, so I'm done hoping, I don't think I could ever face him again anyway after everything he's put our kids and me through.  My question is if he does marry the carousel, what will his reaction be if he ever does come through the tunnel or maybe he will be forced to come through it sooner than later if he marries her.
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Re: Return Stories Part Three
#26: June 18, 2017, 03:51:23 PM
Attaching DF. Your advice is spot on. I am listening.
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D26, D23, S16
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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Re: Return Stories Part Three
#27: June 26, 2017, 06:05:38 PM
Attaching also, DF.  Please share more with us.  It inspires us.
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Re: Return Stories Part Three
#28: June 30, 2017, 05:18:42 AM
I thought i would share this with you good people...
i was walking through the cantine at work 3 weeks ago and a colleague (also a musician friend who knows W) asked me how i lost so much weight.
I said "Ive been wtching what I at, I work out, I ride Mountain bike and W left me in January". He said "Sit down". I sat and he spoke.

3 years ago his W(was 44) started acting strange. She became distant, started wearing younger clothes and listening to Punk music!!! He (52ish) asked after a while what was wrong and she said that she had met somebody (also 44) and she was leaving him.
He was obviously shocked. He felt something was off and battered the internet and read books etc.
 After a few weeks he said he would move out because he couldnt take it anymore. He offered her the house and wanted to look for a small flat. She refused because she wanted a flat and not the house.
They eventually found her a flat and she moved out. A few weeks later he invited her for a meal. she refused. He said you owe me at least one more evening out so she accepted.
After they had ordered he told her that he accepts that she has left and is with somebody else but he wants absolutely nothing more to do with her. No friends, nothing. Only contact would be concerning the kids.
She cried and left (before the food came).
A few Weeks later she went to the house, had a mini breakdown, apologized and said she wants to come home. He said you can come home but only if we get professional help. she agreed.
At the first meeting the therapist said that the marriage was fine but she was going through a MLC and explained what that meant for her.
It broke her heart but they worked it out together. She is still in crisis but its manageable because they both know whats going on. Now she is home again and the relationship is better than ever. They kept the flat as it was in the city and sometimes stay there on weekends. Sometimes he will go there for an evening alone and sometimes she will.
That way they both get a "Time out" now and again. He did add that he doesnt know who the OM is and if he were to find out he would break his neck  :-\

Hes the force behind my phonecall to W last week! He showed me the way forward. Im not expecting the same result but it made sence to me.

It doesnt ALWAYS have to take 6 years, it can pass quicker.
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Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. Is tolerated by LaFamiglia
2 Sons - 20 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

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Re: Return Stories Part Three
#29: July 02, 2017, 06:58:56 AM
I had dinner last night with a new friend. She was married for 17 years, had 2 kids when her husband lost interest in her and the family, bought a sportscar, was interested in other women and moved several states away. When she suggested she move there to be with him, he told her no..things were just fine as they were.

She knew very well the pathology of MLC.

Fast forward to 5 years later. He had retired from his position in the military and called her out of the blue one day to say that he was moving back to their home state and wished to come back home.

My friend had to break the news to him that she was getting married and that his return was no longer an option. He seemed shocked by this revelation and we talked about how they seem to think that we will always be there when they come to their senses.

Her second marriage lasted 30 years and her spouse just passed away a year ago. She never regretted her decision. Her first husband married a women who is in her 4 th marriage...his kids don't like her..as they have told their mom he "settled".

So often it has been said that the LBS will be the one to have the final say. We are indeed in control of our lives and the choices that we make.
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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

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Re: Return Stories Part Three
#30: July 10, 2017, 07:49:57 PM
My H and I recently reconciled after 6 years of MLC.  The story script is all the same, the message to LBS is clear....detach emotionally, live your best life and try to not engage with the angry MLCer.....I followed some very good advice from his forum and after what felt like forever, my H came home last August.  Our relationship is better than it ever was prior to MLC....he is more aware of his own emotions, communicates clearly and shows me his love and commitment daily.  For anyone questioning themselves, you must make the commitment to your self in that you will not be prodded into the MLC turmoil....as they will do things that will make your head spin, and live your life "As IF" until you find your new normal.  It is also true that the MLCer does not remember many of the stupid, silly things they do, but the LBS will remember (an area I deal with in forgiving and living life forward).  The MLCer does not grovel and beg, although they are clearly aware of the precious family and/or spouse that they sacrificed during their craziness.  I wish the best for all LBS and will be happy to answer any questions.


They don't 'remember'??? I think thats just a cop out.
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« Last Edit: July 11, 2017, 01:30:19 AM by OldPilot »

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Re: Return Stories Part Three
#31: July 11, 2017, 02:48:42 AM
Quote
They don't 'remember'??? I think thats just a cop out

It may seem that way but it is true to a considerable degree.  All of the reconcilers on here seem to have that in their threads.

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BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017.
Separated 2022 (my choice because he wanted to live alone) and yet fully reconnected seeing each other often.

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Re: Return Stories Part Three
#32: July 11, 2017, 04:05:18 PM
This is a return story that doesn't have a happy ending for the MLCer. I heard it off a newish friend who was describing the antics of her next door neighbour of some years ago. 

Apparently (this happened over 10 years ago) he wrote his wife of 30+ years a letter telling her that the following morning a van would arrive and take all the furniture that he had marked with an X.  He was leaving and never coming back.  She checked the furniture and nothing until she lifted a chair up and sure enough under every piece of furniture he had marked a black inked X.  She had no idea when he had done this.
The van arrived and duly took the furniture no matter what she said or did. He had a court order!   
This was completely out of the blue and if course what did she discover? A much younger OW!  He moved in with her and started d proceedings.   She was naturally devastated.

6 months later - he turns up again - dishevelled and dirty, tells her he made a big mistake and he wants back in.  She refused and continued to refuse for some months.  As the divorce was looming her children, who were grown by then, bought him out of his half of the house and ensured that their mother continued to live there for the rest of her life. This neighbour is now in her 80s and has recently moved out, but she never saw her H again.  He vanished and she had no idea whether he was even still alive.

So it's not a return per so but it could have been and if nothing else, she gained from it and he lost everything. What I wonder at is the marking the bottom of the furniture with an X - we know MLC does strange things but that has to be one of the weirdest!

When my friend told me this and commented on how crazy it was, I just laughed and said - " No - not in my experience"  She is still a new friend and was somewhat baffled by my response but I didn't want to bore her...... but you all know what was it was !!   
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BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017.
Separated 2022 (my choice because he wanted to live alone) and yet fully reconnected seeing each other often.

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Re: Return Stories Part Three
#33: July 11, 2017, 04:11:59 PM
Oh goodness S&D, that is bizarre.

My brother recently remarried a couple that had been divorced for 20 years.  I don't have any of the details, but so far he says that is his longest years apart remarriage that he has ever done.
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Survival Instructions for Newbies

The Apology Every LBS Deserves

My Journey

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

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Re: Return Stories Part Three
#34: August 10, 2017, 02:12:56 AM
W has 2 very old girl friends, they go back nearly 30 years. GF1 and GF2.
Both are the same age as W got married about the same and both have 2 kids in a similar age to our 2 Boys.
S19 has been together with the D of GF1 for over 2 years.....
We were good friends with both pairs even though sometimes a couple of years passed without contact.

GF2 left her H 2,5 years ago. They were on holiday and on the last evening they both went for a meal without the kids and spent quality time to together before flying home.
When they got home, her H made coffee and they were sat on the porch. She coolly said "H, im leaving you, ive found somebody else but I didnt want to ruin your Holiday". He was totally blindsided.. We can all identify with what she said :-)

When W found out she was furious, she drove to GF1 a slagged GF2 off for hours!!! "how could she do that"..."$l()t"..."never thought it would happen to them".....  strange how she became something she really hated herself!!!!

GF2 moved in with OM and left him 6 months later... She was single for a while and then had OM2. A couple of months ago she got diagnozid with Cancer. 4 weeks later she came home, probably for the wrong reasons but it was a wake up call which made her realize the advantages of being Married and having somebody at her side.

Her H didnt date the whole time, he just wasn't interested. I hope it goes well for him (not fussed about her to be honest) because hes a great guy (as seem to be all LBSs).

I informed W and she just said "thats nice, im happy for them"..
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Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. Is tolerated by LaFamiglia
2 Sons - 20 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

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Re: Return Stories Part Three
#35: September 08, 2017, 05:36:30 AM
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2735806&page=3

 Freckle6

#2735806 - 03/23/17 06:31 PM
I thought about this place today and decided to see if it still existed and found my last thread here. Since my original threads seem to not be here anymore, I will give a brief (who am I kidding, probably not so brief...) background. Good thing the pertinent dates are in my old sig because it's been so long now I might not exactly have remembered them.

We married at 26 years old in 1999. We consciously decided to have a baby and our son was born in June 2004. During my pregnancy, I noticed my husband being distant and just off, but chalked it up to nerves at impending parenthood and me probably being an overly sensitive pregnant woman. 6 weeks after our son was born I got the bomb and was devastated and shell-shocked. Ater 10 months of walking on eggshells and not knowing which way was up, he told me on my 31st birthday that he was moving out and moved out on my very first mother's day.

Back then I felt he was more a WAH and not MLC. There was no OW, he was just panicked and bolted. Lots of rewriting history--we had been together from the time we were 20 and knew each other from when we were 12. My opinion, then and now, was that he had an "oh, [censored], I'm going to be a father" crisis. I DB'ed my butt off and I credit it for making me behave in a way where I regret not a single thing or how I handled it all. I stayed above any drama, I didn't lash out at him, and I acted "as if" like my life depended on it.

Of course, like most, none of it worked. He waffled back and forth in the beginning for a bit but eventually retreated. This board helped me keep my sanity through it all. Just knowing I wasn't the only one out there in pain and with a life I didn't recognize anymore helped so much. I also had so much support from my in-laws and I will be forever thankful to them and owe them more than I can ever repay. My MIL died in 2011 and I miss her every day. The one thing I stuck to was that I refused to file for D. He wanted it, he could pay for it and initiate it. In our lives I always handled this sort of "important" stuff, so it was time for him to take over for himself. He finally got around to filing in March of 2008, almost 3 years after we separated. I had gotten a formal support order through our County years before to protect us both and thankfully he was one of the good ex guys and never fought me on support and kept up visitation like clockwork with our son. Through him I eventually heard that Daddy had a "friend", but by that time I was doing ok. I had no interest in dating, but had gotten to the point where I was really happy in my own little life. There was a lot of ups and downs until that point, but time really does heal the wounds.

In the Summer of 2009 out of the blue he called me one night and was talking about his job and just the tone of his voice was the man I knew, who had been unlike the man I had dealt with for the past 4 years. He invited me to go on a day trip with him and our son to the Bronx Zoo on a charter bus. I accepted, hesitantly, but went because I didn't get to do a lot of things like that with our son and didn't want to miss the experience with him. It was a strange, platonic thing and was very uncomfortable for me, to say the least. We also took our son to July 4th fireworks another time, still with the awkward platonic thing going on. In retrospect, I think he was feeling me out.

We started chatting a bit on IM and I think he eventually came out and said he missed me in November of 2009. And my feelings came rushing back for him. We took things very slow and basically "dated". The judge finally signed off on our divorce in January 2010 while we had started piecing. In a way, it was fitting and didn't bother me in the least.
The old marriage was truly dead and buried. We had been separated for 4 and a half years.

At the time the song Far Away by Nickelback (who has since become the most hated band on the internet...) was out and he told me the words fit perfectly. It choked me up then and continues to today.

This time, this place misused, mistakes
Too long, too late, who was I to make you wait?
Just one chance, just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know you know, you know
That I love you I have loved you all along and I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me and you'll never go
Stop breathing if I don't see you anymore
On my knees, I'll ask last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all I'd give for us
Give anything, but I won't give up
'Cause you know you know, you know
That I love you I have loved you all along and I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me and you'll never go
Stop breathing if I don't see you anymore
So far away, so far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away, so far away
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know
I wanted, I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed, I need to hear you say
That I love you, I have loved you all along
And I forgive you, for being away for far too long
So keep breathing, 'cause I'm not leaving
Hold on to me and never let me go
Keep breathing, 'cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it, hold on to me and
Never let me go, keep breathing
Hold on to me and never let me go (Keep breathing)
Hold on to me and never let me go

Like I said, we took things very slow. I was in no way ready to rush into anything with him. In fact, I made him take the lead on how fast it went. We chatted on the computer or texted (with old flip phones!) almost daily and spent weekends together at my (our) house or his apartment. This went on for about 9 months and I made it a point to never bring up him moving back. He started to hint at it and I just played cool and made him eventually come out and bring it up himself. He moved back September 2010, 5 years and 5 months after he moved out.

A little over a year later we hit the biggest rough spot in that I unexpectedly became pregnant. It definitely was not in the plans and I was terrified we'd have a repeat of last time. The "oh, sh1t" moment we each had eventually passed and we came through with another beautiful son, 8 years after our first was born. He was the happiest baby and adored by the three of us from the moment he was born.

He's been back for over 6 years now. Longer than we were married pre-bomb and longer than we were separated. There, of course, have been ups and downs. And even more so, there are some scars, at least as far as I'm concerned, that will always remain. I have no desire to ever remarry him. It was a piece of paper and it didn't keep him here before and I'm smarter now to know that it won't necessarily keep him here again. I refer to him as my husband in certain situations. I don't know if it'll be forever, but I learned that you can never be promised forever anyway.

I hope everyone here finds peace and happiness. No matter how awful it is right now, it will get better. It happens slow, until one day you realize that the time between your darkest moments goes from hours to days, to weeks, and so on. And sometimes it backslides but you dust off faster and get on with it again.
_________________________
Me38,H:38,S:7
Married:6/99
Bomb:7/04
Sep.:5/05
D Filed:3/08;Final 1/10
Piecing:11/09
H moved back:09/10
Current thread: http://tiny.cc/htcty
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« Last Edit: September 08, 2017, 05:40:32 AM by Brenross »
Me 47
Him 47
OW 32
Married - 20 years
Together - 28 years
BD - Nov 2014 - reason for affair said I controlled his life, wore flannelette pyjama pants to bed and drove our family car 🤔
Moved in with Young OW and her 2 kids Jan 2015
Total Vanisher
Divorced Sept 2016
S21, S17, S16 (autism), D14

🌹🌹Let's be real...Bren is the only one who can do Bren. I'm the best Bren on the planet. Trying to turn a skank into a Bren? That will surely end in disappointment, if it hasn't already.🌹🌹

❤❤Family isn't an important thing.  IT IS EVERYTHING!! ❤❤



Vanished Return Stories Thread #1 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9088.0;all
Vanisher Return Stories Link Thread #2 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9378.new#new

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Re: Return Stories Part Three
#36: September 15, 2017, 05:39:49 AM
I found out about a return story last night. Don't know all the details but will tell you what i know.
My  friend ( we slowly lost contact after we quit working together) and I used to work together for 10 years. In the furniture business on the operations end.  We started a sideline business together that lasted about 8 years where we both did very well.  2008 came and everything fell apart with our core business and the sideline.
He had no money he had not saved any. I had saved lots. His wife was burning though it.  Don't know all the details but heard she had possibly been drugging(cocaine?) and that she was hooking up with their sons friend who was 20 years younger.  They ended up losing the house to foreclosure and splitting up/ divorced around 2010.
I heard last night they were back together. Again I don't know the details but hey we're split up for 7-8 years and got back together.
I didn't know much about  mlc back then and don't know for sure that is what it was but it sure sounds like it. 
She inflicted a lot of pain and damage to him I know. It was ugly. I only told the little bit I know. I'm sure a lot more went on.
But apparently they are doing well now.
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BD # 2 July 2017 says she wants to sell house and go our seperate ways. Wants her freedom. She is unhappy and thinks it is because of me.
EA or FA discovered July 2017. She searches her astrology sign and his almost daily. 
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She is very active with kids but has blowups quite often.  She's acting like a teenager so maybe she relates well to them.
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Re: Return Stories Part Three
#37: March 14, 2018, 01:57:51 AM
It's not a return story per se but read on.

I met a friend recently whose first husband walked out on her 30 years ago - all the symptoms of MLC. He vanished for a while but she moved on after a few years and has a second long term partner.
She told me that her first H phoned her up a few weeks ago and sobbed down the phone apologising over and over again for all he had done and that he knew the moment he walked out it was a mistake. He said that he regretted everything he had done since then and that he had a moment of utter madness to leave her and felt as though he was in a fog living another life.

She said "Thank you for your apology - take care and see you around!"

So 30 yrs is way too long obviously but it suggests as do many other stories on here that the memory of BD clearly never leaves the MLCer and clearly fills their lives with guilt and anguish even if they vanish!
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Re: Return Stories Part Three
#38: March 15, 2018, 05:41:44 AM
It's not a return story per se but read on.

I met a friend recently whose first husband walked out on her 30 years ago - all the symptoms of MLC. He vanished for a while but she moved on after a few years and has a second long term partner.
She told me that her first H phoned her up a few weeks ago and sobbed down the phone apologising over and over again for all he had done and that he knew the moment he walked out it was a mistake. He said that he regretted everything he had done since then and that he had a moment of utter madness to leave her and felt as though he was in a fog living another life.

She said "Thank you for your apology - take care and see you around!"

So 30 yrs is way too long obviously but it suggests as do many other stories on here that the memory of BD clearly never leaves the MLCer and clearly fills their lives with guilt and anguish even if they vanish!

30years of hurt and pain.. Doesnt Sound like paradise to me. im glad that your friend gave him the answer he deserved. Hopefully he felt a Little better for getting it off his chest...
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Re: Return Stories Part Three
#39: March 15, 2018, 07:30:53 AM
She said "Thank you for your apology - take care and see you around!"
Well I always say that the LBS gets to decide in the end - and if you have not yet gotten to decide it is not yet the end!

I guess this proves my point!
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Re: Return Stories Part Three
#40: March 17, 2018, 10:38:51 AM
Hopefully he can now allow himself to fully heal and to build a life worth living, despite not being with her in the end.
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Re: Return Stories Part Three
#41: January 02, 2019, 09:40:47 PM
I have a story, one told from the MLCer.
On the occasion of playing a concert, one of my band mates and I were talking.  Got on the subject of the stress of my D, and how my H was in MLC.
She asked me if I had had a crisis to which I said no.
Her response, "I have, and it's REAl".
I asked if she would talk about what she felt and what she went through.  She admitted to not remembering a lot about what she did during the 2 years after bomb drop.
She said that one day she awoke, and her thinking was so confused, fuzzy like.  She said she had these thoughts to do things that she knew was
wrong, but she had this strong desire to act on those thoughts.  She said that there was a lot of guilt, but couldn't stop.  She was in an emotional affair, even her young children, at the time, would tell her that this guy she met was more than a friend, no matter what she said. 
She likened her feelings toward her husband being like that of having McDonald's every day.  She was tired of McDonald's and wanted to have Steak or lobster.... It was a need for something different in the hopes it would be better.  She talked about how her head/thinking was always cloudy, never clear thoughts.
One day her affair partner broke it off, about two years in.... At that point she could see clearly, her thoughts cleared and she could see that she had issues to work on from her childhood.  She said that she emidiatly could see that if she had stayed with the OM it would have been toxic.

She pointed out that her husband had prayed daily and had asked others to pray.  They were on the verge of divorce but began working on their marriage.  She told me it was about three years of working on things but they are stronger now and much more happy.
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Re: Return Stories Part Three
#42: January 07, 2019, 07:50:17 PM
Hi,

  I was BD'd 10 months ago. At the time I had never heard of MLC's, but my H friends kept asking me if he could be in one because of the way he was acting while with them. One day one of those friends, while at the same campgrounds for the weekend, stopped me as I drove around the park and asked me what I wanted from my H. This was 2 months after BD. I told him that I wanted my marriage. He told me ok then you need to go home and don't contact him anymore. Then he proceeded to tell me that he and his wife have just started dating again, that the om was long gone and they were trying to work things out. At the time I was clueless as to what he was telling me. I have been looking at his Fb page off and on over the past 10 months to see if there are any signs. There hasn't been anything until two days ago when I looked. There are now pictures of the two of them with their grown children and grandson. They look very happy together. They were seperated for about two years.

  I had another woman from our circle of friends come and tell me that when her boys were about 8 and 10 her H had had an A and left them and moved 4 states away with the ow. Her S8 was very attached to his D and was very upset for the two years that he was gone. One day out of the blue she got a call from him asking if he could come home. She said that she didn't want him back, but her son threw a fit so she gave in and let him come home. She didn't talk to him for a year. She slowly came around to letting him back in her life. Her S's are now in their late 30's and the two of them are still together. She told me to be patient and that my H will come back.

  Here's another great story. On New years eve while out with some of H and my friends I got to talking with one of the woman. She asked me a few questions about my H. I told her that he has issues to work on and asked if she knew what a MLC was. She said yes and pointed at her H. I was surprised, I had no idea. She said it was 10 years ago and it was a bad one. I asked if he had an A and she said yes. Like my H her's never monstered at her either. Her H was gone just under two years. This past July they got married after being together for 20 years. She said his MLC is why it took so long to get married. They are so much in love with each other and he looks at her with such passion in his eyes. I told her that I had heard that the new relationship is better then it was before. She said it truly is and in the end it made it all worth it. She also told me that the people in H club are just waiting for this to pass. They don't like the ow and don't talk to her. They say she is weird.

  After 10 months of this and very little contact from my ol friends from my H club I have been starting to get a few calls and messages from some of the women. They say they are tired of not being allowed to talk with me and they want to start being friends again. This is a very close and closed club. H wanted me gone in the beginning and so my friends were told to stay out of things. I can feel the change in the air.

  These stories have given me so much encouragement in my stand. The last story lifted me up so high. I got a small glimpse into his world. It makes me feel so good to know that they all have high hopes for our reconciliation. I will just keep on keeping on with my GAL with a smile on my face.

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Re: Return Stories Part Three
#43: January 08, 2019, 03:30:25 AM
All of these stories, like most return stories, involve spouses who were gone two years or less. Makes me wonder if there are any known stories of returns after 5 years or more.

I’m not standing ever since he disappeared when I got cancer. But I do still get a weird feeling of discouragement when every reconnection/reconciliation/return story involves much shorter timelines than most of what we see here. There are thousands of registered users on HS, probably a couple hundred active or semi-active users, and the majority seem to have spouses who have been gone over 3 years, many well over three years.

So for most, 2 years sounds like a blip on the radar and returns within that time make me wonder if they are MLTs or even non-MLC affairs.
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Re: Return Stories Part Three
#44: January 08, 2019, 09:28:26 PM
I'm not sure if this has been posted by Lysa Terkeurst has remarried her H.  Her M was falling apart about the same time as mine in late 2015/early 2016.  She has recently written a book called "It's Not Supposed To Be This Way."  I'm hoping to read it soon.  A lot of her postings at the time my M was falling apart really spoke to me.  I didn't realize it was because her M was falling part too until much later, and then she had announced that she was seeking a divorce.
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Re: Return Stories Part Three
#45: January 08, 2019, 11:49:51 PM
I have a story, one told from the MLCer.
On the occasion of playing a concert, one of my band mates and I were talking.  Got on the subject of the stress of my D, and how my H was in MLC.
She asked me if I had had a crisis to which I said no.
Her response, "I have, and it's REAl".
I asked if she would talk about what she felt and what she went through.  She admitted to not remembering a lot about what she did during the 2 years after bomb drop.
She said that one day she awoke, and her thinking was so confused, fuzzy like.  She said she had these thoughts to do things that she knew was
wrong, but she had this strong desire to act on those thoughts.  She said that there was a lot of guilt, but couldn't stop.  She was in an emotional affair, even her young children, at the time, would tell her that this guy she met was more than a friend, no matter what she said. 
She likened her feelings toward her husband being like that of having McDonald's every day.  She was tired of McDonald's and wanted to have Steak or lobster.... It was a need for something different in the hopes it would be better.  She talked about how her head/thinking was always cloudy, never clear thoughts.
One day her affair partner broke it off, about two years in.... At that point she could see clearly, her thoughts cleared and she could see that she had issues to work on from her childhood.  She said that she emidiatly could see that if she had stayed with the OM it would have been toxic.

She pointed out that her husband had prayed daily and had asked others to pray.  They were on the verge of divorce but began working on their marriage.  She told me it was about three years of working on things but they are stronger now and much more happy.

I'd like to think the MLCer is tired of having lobster all the time so tries McDonalds for a change...then wakes up realise that fast food leaves you with indigestion and a bad aftertaste
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Re: Return Stories Part Three
#46: May 09, 2019, 11:29:47 AM
I guess I have my own return story.  H's MLC  started in 2014 with OW.  I found out in 2015 and we tried working on things but it was one sided and he moved out for 2 years.  OW got pregnant when he left.  He moved back home in 2017.  During the time he was away, we were in contact and started separation papers, but neither one of us wanted to go further.  OW is a nightmare...complete narcissist who only had S to keep H around.  Very emotionally abusive.  Since he's been home, abuse and contact with OW still continues.  H has been in a lot of therapy and has been working on issues stemming from childhood, but it is not a walk in the park.  He fights recovery every step of the way because it's so hard.  H is quick to have excuses and is the maturity of a young child.  OW left him penniless, unemployed and in a ton of debt.  H is having a really hard time climbing out.  Steps forward and then steps back.  H is permanently connected to OW because of S.  We are dealing with custody right now as OW threatens to commit suicide before letting S be around me because I'm the "monster" who wouldn't just divorce my H and let her use and abuse him.  Right now, OW controls H's access to S and only allows him to be with S if she is with them (complete contempt of court order).  It's been awful.  So, even though they return, the journey is far from over.  We have good days and bad days.  H takes a lot out on me.  Our three D's are so happy to have him home but they know H is sick and acts more like a friend than a father to them.  I'm glad H is home, but I long to be treated the way he used to treat me before MLC...with respect and care and love.  I am hopeful he can recover fully.  I know he wants to, but he's absolutely terrified at the same time. 

My stats:
Me - 45
H - 46
M - 20 years (together 23)
D - 14,14,11
SS - 3
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Re: Return Stories Part Three
#47: May 09, 2019, 12:50:10 PM
Grady, thank you for coming to tell us about your H's returning and the complications that he brings back into your family. Wishing you well.
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Re: Return Stories Part Three
#48: January 06, 2020, 05:05:26 AM
Hi All

as some of you may know from my story post  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10999.0   i work with young people in crisis between the ages of 11 and 18.

I have done this job for 24 years and have looked after thousands of children in their darkest times .. neglect and abuse primarily, but also of course 100s of marriage breakdowns.  Over half the children in my care are living with a single parent.  I have seen MLC many times, just never thought i would live it!

My job requires that I am very involved in family crises.

What I do know is that MLC is real (obviously) and i believe much more common than many think.  But also that return stories are real - i have seen many in the last 24 years and even more 'failed returns'  where the MLCer tries to reconcile, but their partner has moved on either with another relationship or emotionally or is too scared to risk more pain, etc.  I will not divulge too many details of my work except to say...

Many of the returns seem to happen within 3 years of BD, but some are longer 4-6 years and one i know of, where the couple divorced and then remarried took 9 years from BD to remarriage! 

Im not sure if this experience is helping me or not, (currently i do not intend to stand past the summer unless there are big changes in W - its just too long to wait), but i thought it may be useful for those standing to know that I have seen many return stories and the patterns (that are well documented in this forum ) are very similar.

MLC is an awful affliction for the MLCer and the LBS and unfortunately for their children, but it can work out in my experience, im just not sure i am strong enough.

I hope this is an useful post on the right thread - as there is no individual story to tell as i only see the start and end of the process when i meet with children and parents.

Good luck to those standing and i hope you have your own return story to post before too long.

LW

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Re: Return Stories Part Three
#49: January 06, 2020, 05:26:23 AM
LW - Thank you for sharing that.
I think that answers Nas's question, to a degree.

There are probably even later ones that you are not aware of because the older children have turned to adults during that period, and the adults would not be on your radar?

Sea
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Re: Return Stories Part Three
#50: January 06, 2020, 07:53:42 AM
Yes Sea exactly - also I only see the MLC that cause major upset in families with children and who need assistance to cope, so i will have missed many cases!

I would say that it is very rare to see a MLC that results in an AP that then develops in to a long term stable relationship - two broken halves do not make a whole.

I also meet a lot of recovered MLCers who cannot recognise who they were in MLC - I hear a lot of 'I dont know who i was during that time'. or 'I was temporarily mad'.  Many use the terms 'lost'.

It seems that often this realisation comes too late - as I suspect it may in my case.  All this experience has been less useful than reading this forum - the resources here are of amazing quality and I for one would have lost my patience long ago if not for HS.

LW
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Re: Return Stories Part Three
#51: January 06, 2020, 04:28:04 PM
Hi, I wanted to post a return (or potential return) story here, because I hope it might help give people a little hope for standing and the future.
My saga started with the first signs of exH not being himself in late 2013 with official BD #1 in July 2014, and BD #2 in March 2016. Married in 2000, officially separated March 2016.
I am 44 currently, exH is about to turn 45. OW has been around since at least early 2015 (confirmed by a dated card I found), but my guess is more likely 2014.
I was standing for pretty much all of that time, although I did date off and on starting around early 2017….which took exH aback when he found out….much to my amusement. He told me he figured I would stay single for the rest of my life. The ego of an MLCer!

ExH never fully removed himself from my life during all this time, even though he lived full time with OW for the last couple years of it. He often sent me flirty texts and inappropriate comments and pictures...and then made comments like “we shouldn’t do this, we are both in relationships” (I wasn’t in a relationship, although he did not know that). Although it was always him reaching out to me, never me initiating it or encouraging it, I admit I enjoyed the attention from him and didn’t do anything to stop it either. He was also still around from time to time (always without OW) as we have a lot of friends in common. We have kept things very civil between us and have always made the effort to get along through the years. I have done a lot of biting my tongue!

So it appears what happened is that OW started to put the pressure on about him divorcing me. In December 2018 exH came to me for the first time and asked me for a divorce. He seemed almost in a panic about it. I couldn’t understand why he seemed in such a rush to push it through so quickly. It seemed odd at the time. Now I realize OW was having tantrums about it. I told him if he wanted a divorce I was sad about it, but fine. But that I would not sign the divorce papers until all financial issues were worked out. Time passed, the divorce papers sat on my counter...I saw him over the next year off and on, he didn’t mention the papers and he didn’t figure out the financial stuff. I left it because I wanted him to take some responsibility for his mess. September 2019 comes around, so almost a year later. ExH calls and asks if he can come talk to me. We meet and he again says he needs a divorce. This time he flat out tells me that OW has basically said “divorce your W or get out”. He tells me it has turned their relationship into a battle ground and he wants to stay with her so he needs the divorce done. Once again, I said fine, but I am not signing divorce papers until all our finances are figured out and settled. He said ok and left.

The end of October 2019 rolled around and I hadn’t heard another word from him. All of a sudden he starts trying hard to get together with me, but three weeks earlier I had met and started dating an amazing guy and was super busy. I kept putting exH off because I didn’t have any free time. Finally I get a text message from exH one tuesday morning: “So you think I could move back into the guest room?**with a sheepish emoji**”
I told him it was fine if he wanted to move back. He told me that he and OW were still together but there was too much friction so he was moving back in to my guest room temporarily to help me fix up our house to sell (which we had planned to do anyway) and get the divorce moving. So fine. He told me he and OW were good...solid.

So he moved into my guest room at the beginning of November. And slowly all of the stuff he moved into OWs place started appearing back in my house. Clothing, electronics, tools….everything. He was never on his phone anymore like he had been. He was pretty much always home. He started hanging out with all our friends again, who he had ditched for the most part once he took up with OW. About three weeks ago he finally admitted that he and OW were done (which wasn’t much of a surprise at that point). He has been doing dishes, cleaning the house, fixing my car, doing household repairs, talking about buying a new tv and electronics for the living room. Although we spent Christmas apart with our separate families, he has invited me to visit his mom who lives several hours away, and to visit other family members with him as well. When I am there we prepare and eat meals together and sometimes run errands together. As he has rejoined our circle of friends we often end up at social things together.

Although we have not had any discussion about getting back together, for all intents and purposes we have been living and acting like a married couple. Because I am currently dating someone, all of my interactions with exH have been platonic, and we sleep in separate rooms. But exH has given off signals that he would like romantic relations to resume in some form.

Now here is why I say potential return….as I said, a few weeks before exH asked for the guest room back, I started dating an amazing guy. A really great guy that I could see a future with. A guy so sweet and understanding that he didn’t bat an eye lash when I told him exH wanted the guest room back.
So my dilemma is….do I want exH back? ExH being the love of my life, but who has caused me terrible pain, and could continue to do so. Or do I want to start a fresh relationship with this amazing new guy with who I have so much in common and love being with.

They do say it is often the LBS that gets to call the final shot on the relationship, and that looks like the position I may be in. They also say that if you give OW enough rope she will eventually hang herself. The one thing I stuck to, no matter how hard it killed me some days, was never letting exH see that he was getting to me. Whenever in his presence I kept a smile on my face and was as pleasant as possible to be around. Always. I tried to be his lighthouse. I think I started to look pretty good to exH once OW started making his life miserable and giving him ultimatums.

I am not sure yet how this is going to end. I do know that I cannot drag this out because I don't want to hurt the guy I am dating anymore than I would have to. He doesn't deserve that.
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« Last Edit: January 06, 2020, 04:35:30 PM by Kai3030 »

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Re: Return Stories Part Three
#52: January 06, 2020, 05:21:22 PM
Kai =
Thank you for that nice return post.
What a (good) predicament you are in.
I think you're right - the LBS often does have the last say...
I'm sure with much thought and patience, the answer will be very clear in the near future.

Best of luck and keep us informed..

Sea

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Re: Return Stories Part Three
#53: January 07, 2020, 01:53:55 AM
Kai - would you mind re-posting your situation either on your existing thread or a new thread so that members can perhaps offer support and guidance if that's what you would like from us. The thread Return Stories is more of a "listing " stories  kind of thread.

Thanks
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Re: Return Stories Part Three
#54: January 07, 2020, 04:36:29 AM
Kai, thank you so much for posting your update. I really love to hear stories like yours, whether you're still standing or not, and whether I am or not, it's fascinating to hear how the MLCer comes out of the tunnel.

If you post on your thread, I would follow. I'm sure you never expected to be facing the dilemma you're in. I hope you have a light bulb moment yourself.
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Re: Return Stories Part Three
#55: January 07, 2020, 08:08:44 AM
I posted on your Band played on thread.
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Re: Return Stories Part Three
#56: January 07, 2020, 09:54:23 AM
Thank you all for such great support. The main reason I posted this in Return stories was not so much looking for advice, although I always love advice from this great group, it was as a stand alone post because a few people were asking about return stories of more than two or three years. Mine has been going on over six years now. I am going into my seventh year at this point. I hoped posting this would give people who have been going through things a little longer something positive to read :)
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Re: Return Stories Part Three
#57: January 07, 2020, 11:20:44 AM
Thank you, Kai, that's exactly what you did! We all love a return story.
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Re: Return Stories Part Three
#58: January 15, 2020, 10:56:52 AM
Oh boy! This sounds familiar. I have heard the "we shouldn't be doing this. What is wrong with us? We are crazy" from my h when he initiates anything physical. Sometimes he seems totally fine and other times he does seem conflicted. Just this past week he gave me the "we shouldn't do this" etc speech followed by "I feel bad that you are sitting here just missing me."  UMMMM What?! HA HA HA. I said "is that what you think I do bc I don't." He was super taken aback by that as well. He even said a few times "I don't want to make you cry."  My response (totally dry eyed) "I'm not crying."  :o
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Re: Return Stories Part Three
#59: January 15, 2020, 12:17:20 PM
Surviving2019,

  Haha, he is just all about himself isn't he. As if the world wouldn't turn without him.  :o

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Return Stories Part Three
#60: May 17, 2020, 04:26:09 AM
I have 2.   
After major issues fighting and monster The couple was d  (bitter d) and sold their home. Years go by ,(many woman) with some contact.  Some time in this period  he had an awakening , as he said to himself  "what am I doing with my life .Im almost 60."  No change in him such as self reflection. ( I know this because I ran in to him and was talking about my h to him ) (long story) Then he returns to her apt because he has no where else to go. He did not pay much to live there. He was partying and coming home drunk.  They were just roomates at this time.  She decided to change and get her life in order. She moved out of apt and got a new one.  About 6months later , he decided to change. Not long after she got an apology email.  A few months later, his brother suddenly died and she was there by his side.  From then they started going to dinners and hang out.  I guess you can say they are reconnecting. They had been friends since high school. This is probably over the course of 6-7 yrs.  No kids.


2nd one.   Same old story as most. He fell in " love" with someone else. D quickly. He moved in with ow. He was more of a clinging boomerang. After many break ups with ow , each time wanting to go back to his family and wife ( well ex) crying saying he messed up and such but would be right back with other woman. She held her ground each time , she knew he wasnt ready. I think its been about a year since ow was out of picture , still asking his wife to come back. Still not wanting him back. He is always going to the house , almost everyday. Fixing things and what not. I dont know where this will lead as she says she has no feelings for him.  married young.  4 kids  he blew off while out having fun.  This has been about 6-7 years.
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Return Stories Part Three
#61: August 28, 2020, 03:32:39 AM
This story is opposite;;
  The ow.
My sister  has a bf that was with a guy for 10 years.  As I remember the story this guy came in to my sisters bf life out of the blue.  he got in contact with her after working with her in her 20s. She was in her 40s  now, and said to her that he always thought about her and missed her from all the years ago. I dont know if they dated back then. Any how before I knew anything about mlc < i thought wow. Bf would say  how crazy the "wife" was and so on. Bf told me they started dating and her Guy was getting a d from the crazy wife. (which he did)  He then moved 6 hours away where they would commute and see each other in weekends.  This going on for years. Ten years later, bf lost her job to covid and wants to make permanent plans with him.   This is when he tells her , he doesnt know what he wants.  He ends it.  After I knew about mlc, I pegged him as an mlcer but not dare say a word to anyone.   Case closed.  He is/was.
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Return Stories Part Three
#62: March 19, 2021, 07:27:03 AM
what am I doing with my life .Im almost 60."

I think I read on here most MLC last 3-7 years.  My husband is 52. Is he really going to be going through this crap in his late 50s? Seems unthinkable.

Especially, in light of the fact if you look at the two of us, he is the "older" of us. My kids have remarked that he acts like he is 75. I fully agree.

I am definitely more active, work out, run, listen to contemporary music, have interests that are more in line with a more youthful person. Not because I am trying to be younger, it's just who I am. And I spend a lot of time with my kids so that keeps me younger thinking too, I think.
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Together 26 years - Married 24 at separation
D - 23, S - 20
No BD - gradually moved out into our vacation house starting 8.20

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Return Stories Part Three
#63: March 19, 2021, 07:33:53 AM
This story is opposite;;
  The ow.
My sister  has a bf that was with a guy for 10 years.  As I remember the story this guy came in to my sisters bf life out of the blue.  he got in contact with her after working with her in her 20s. She was in her 40s  now, and said to her that he always thought about her and missed her from all the years ago. I dont know if they dated back then. Any how before I knew anything about mlc < i thought wow. Bf would say  how crazy the "wife" was and so on. Bf told me they started dating and her Guy was getting a d from the crazy wife. (which he did)  He then moved 6 hours away where they would commute and see each other in weekends.  This going on for years. Ten years later, bf lost her job to covid and wants to make permanent plans with him.   This is when he tells her , he doesnt know what he wants.  He ends it.  After I knew about mlc, I pegged him as an mlcer but not dare say a word to anyone.   Case closed.  He is/was.

I hear A LOT of these stories of people rekindling after decades. So weird to me. Definitely a psychological component there. Like, trying to go back in time or something.

I know a woman who was living in a Farmhouse in Iowa. 3 kids in their teens, sewed, baked--completely traditional life.

Well, she started Facebook chatting with her old boyfriend from, like, high school. Left her husband, left the kids behind. Moved here. Married the guy and last I heard was driving a school bus.

WTH even????
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Re: Return Stories Part Three
#64: March 19, 2021, 09:18:15 AM
Not a return story as such but still hopeful.

A really lovely kindhearted and fabulously talented good friend of mine was BDd many years ago (long before I knew about MLC) and her H swiftly filed for divorce moving new OW in.  It was " scandalous" as both my friend and her H were incredibly well known in the area.
My friend did "well " out of the D and moved to a lovely house within close contact of her children and grandchildren.  She lived her life to the full.

Over the years she and her XH remained in close contact and eventually OW was nowhere to be seen. They never reconciled but sadly the XH went into hospital last year for a routine operation and never made it.  My friend was heartbroken and had been a stander for all of this time.

She was with him in his final hours and by many, she was always seen as his wife even though they remained divorced and separate lives.  She told me not long after the funeral that he had become closer to her and that they spent a lot of time together. The funeral eulogy mentioned them meeting, courting and marrying and always being there for each other.

So sad but perhaps a reminder that some MLCers might not make it back but it seems that some will never forget who the wife really is.

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BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017.
Separated 2022 (my choice because he wanted to live alone) and yet fully reconnected seeing each other often.

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Return Stories Part Three
#65: July 31, 2021, 03:37:55 PM
My parents divorced out of nowhere a year after building a brand new house. My mother left for a man 20 years younger. My mom talked horrible about my Dad even though she was the one that left. I was 15 at the time. A decade later my Mom said she sent a letter to my Dad stating for the kids sake she thinks they should get back together. Even though we were all adults by now! Personally I think she was financially struggling and her BF left for someone closer to his age because he wanted to have children.

My Dad never responded to her letter and My mom’s BF eventually came back and they stayed together until her death. My Dad also remarried 10 years before his death to someone a year younger than I.

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« Last Edit: July 31, 2021, 03:39:17 PM by Tornup »
There is almost something harder about someone being alive and having to lose what you believed to be true of them than someone actually dying.

Indefatigability - determined to do or achieve something; firmness of purpose
perspicacity- a clarity of vision or intellect which provides a deep understanding and insight

Married July 1991
Jan 2018 BD1 moved out I filed for Div/ H stopped it
Oct 2018 moved back
Oct 2020 BD2
Feb 2021 Div-29 1/2 years
July 2021 Married OW
Feb 2022  XH fired
June 2022 XH bring OW to meet family due to xMIL illness
May 2023 went NC after telling XH we could not be friends
Aug 2023 XH moves w/o OWife
May 2024 xMIL visits XH/OW in their new home
Aug 2024 cut relations w/XH fam.
Dec 2024 D33 expecting baby ( XH not told)

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Return Stories Part Three
#66: February 22, 2022, 01:26:30 PM
I’m not sure if it was MLC but apparently one of my MIL’s neighbors started acting 180 different than he usually did and had an affair with someone he worked with.  He divorced his wife and married the OW.  After 3 months of that marriage he divorced her and reconciled with his wife.  It took a lot of work but the went on to be happily married until her death a couple years ago.  The whole time I guess she would say she didn’t even know who he was and that he would be back. 
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Return Stories Part Three
#67: June 07, 2023, 02:30:52 AM
Don't know if it's a real return story because my SIL never left home, but anyway a hopeful story.

When i realized W was having a MLC, I crisis about this state and realized then that my SIL may have had one because she was unusually aggressive during a   trekking years ago. We are living 4 hour distance and spend holidays together twice a year with all the children. So I called her and asked whether she had "crise de la quarantaine" (forties crisis, another French name for MLC).
She said immediatly "yes I had", "it lasted 4 years, btwn 38 and 42" "I wanted to throw my life away and start again from scratch". I was shocked by last sentence bc SIL had already 5 children and had always been a very practicing Christian, very kind towards others and submitted towards my brother (that last point always made me feel queasy). SIL recognizes she was very aggressive towards everybody during MLC, especially my brother and their children.

How did she go out of MLC ? She recognized almost immediately that she was in "crise de la quarantaine" so she read some books, she said
What did my brother ? Nothing  :o
what would she like her H had done during her MLC ? To help more at home because this crisis is VERY tiring and fullfill her tanks of love using the 5 love languages -> Roger !

I did not ask whether there was an Alienator, and I do not want to investigate my brother about his feedback.

another interesting point : their 6th and last kid was born during the MLC, and my SIL is calling her "her MLC chjld" (I find this name horrible). I always found this girl (now 7 years old) is very kind and was surprised that she was considered as wild and aggressive by her parents, with aggressive and sometimes foul language. SIL was pregnant of twins and informed W that she lost one of the twins and W should have been godmother of the not born child. Me and W considered that was an awful thing to reveal. The girl has very dark hair between brothers and sisters who have blond or chestnut hair. But I have not paternity doubt at all : my brother has dark hair also.

I told SIL that from my POV she is now a better person as she is more able to talk when sthg is wrong in relationships.
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M 45, W43. Married 17 years, together 20
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OM discovered Dec 22, BD Jan 23 (few days after)
W living at home 16 mths post BD, then keeps moving in & out "for work" in foreign country.
Aimer, c'est donner sans attendre de retour et tout acte est prière, s'il est don de soi (Antoine de Saint Exupéry)
Love means to give without expecting return, and every act is a prayer if it is a self-gift. (thanks OffRoad !)

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Return Stories Part Three
#68: June 29, 2023, 07:03:42 AM
Don't know if it's a real return story because my SIL never left home, but anyway a hopeful story.

When i realized W was having a MLC, I crisis about this state and realized then that my SIL may have had one because she was unusually aggressive during a   trekking years ago. We are living 4 hour distance and spend holidays together twice a year with all the children. So I called her and asked whether she had "crise de la quarantaine" (forties crisis, another French name for MLC).
She said immediatly "yes I had", "it lasted 4 years, btwn 38 and 42" "I wanted to throw my life away and start again from scratch". I was shocked by last sentence bc SIL had already 5 children and had always been a very practicing Christian, very kind towards others and submitted towards my brother (that last point always made me feel queasy). SIL recognizes she was very aggressive towards everybody during MLC, especially my brother and their children.

How did she go out of MLC ? She recognized almost immediately that she was in "crise de la quarantaine" so she read some books, she said
What did my brother ? Nothing  :o
what would she like her H had done during her MLC ? To help more at home because this crisis is VERY tiring and fullfill her tanks of love using the 5 love languages -> Roger !

I did not ask whether there was an Alienator, and I do not want to investigate my brother about his feedback.

another interesting point : their 6th and last kid was born during the MLC, and my SIL is calling her "her MLC chjld" (I find this name horrible). I always found this girl (now 7 years old) is very kind and was surprised that she was considered as wild and aggressive by her parents, with aggressive and sometimes foul language. SIL was pregnant of twins and informed W that she lost one of the twins and W should have been godmother of the not born child. Me and W considered that was an awful thing to reveal. The girl has very dark hair between brothers and sisters who have blond or chestnut hair. But I have not paternity doubt at all : my brother has dark hair also.

I told SIL that from my POV she is now a better person as she is more able to talk when sthg is wrong in relationships.

an update with SIL's story : she sent recently a mail to me
"thanks for you calls from last month. They moved me, I decided to go in IC in order to go throught my dad's grieving process. I have met a very listening woman who told me "you are through a crisis that is not one of the least"

That rang a bell for me so I called her and it seems to me her dad's death last autumn is making her coming back in the crisis. I fear that she is not fully healed and she is entering a second round of MLC even if she denegates it. I am happy for her that she is in IC. She told me that she considered in the past IC is throwing money out of the window, and I told her that in the contrary it is an investment for her and also her children. What she is dealing with her IC is clearly FOO from what I understand.
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M 45, W43. Married 17 years, together 20
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OM discovered Dec 22, BD Jan 23 (few days after)
W living at home 16 mths post BD, then keeps moving in & out "for work" in foreign country.
Aimer, c'est donner sans attendre de retour et tout acte est prière, s'il est don de soi (Antoine de Saint Exupéry)
Love means to give without expecting return, and every act is a prayer if it is a self-gift. (thanks OffRoad !)

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Re: Return Stories Part Three
#69: June 30, 2023, 01:21:32 AM
Quote
she is entering a second round of MLC


Not necessarily.  The "first round" can last years and may never have been fully resolved hence what is happening now.  She may have peeked out of the tunnel and also suppressed her feelings. 

The fact that she acknowledged that she "recognised almost immediately" and tried to get help is encouraging but ironically it can also feed the desire that she had to look after herself first (that's what a lot of books advise and you can't blame them because they are often written with a different person in mind not necessarily an MLCer).

Hearts Blessing's stages of MLC ring true here as well. Often the MLCer once out of replay and possibly escape and avoid can go into a deep quiet depression and then move towards a form of healing but in this stage there is the return of replay which can sometimes be very brief and sometimes be a long period of time but, in this form of replay there isn't the desperation that many MLCer display in the first replay. 

I suspect that you are correct - your SIL has FOO issues ( I think we all do) and now she is in IC which can only be a good thing. In MLC terms is at last beginning to face herself and begin to resolve her inner turmoil which in having a child during her crisis perhaps she couldn't truly do.

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4.0
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« Last Edit: June 30, 2023, 01:24:24 AM by Songanddance »
BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017.
Separated 2022 (my choice because he wanted to live alone) and yet fully reconnected seeing each other often.

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Return Stories Part Three
#70: July 08, 2023, 12:05:53 PM
Yes I fear you are right, SIL is still/again in MLC.

One thing that rang a huge bell when I called her : I told SIL that praying is helping a lot (she is very Christian) and she told me that, since the death of her father, she is not able to say anymore "Our Father". That sounds totally MLC.

I plan to call her from time to time. It is a so easy to help her. I would be delighted if someone could do that for my W ;D
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M 45, W43. Married 17 years, together 20
3 children D17, D15, S6
OM discovered Dec 22, BD Jan 23 (few days after)
W living at home 16 mths post BD, then keeps moving in & out "for work" in foreign country.
Aimer, c'est donner sans attendre de retour et tout acte est prière, s'il est don de soi (Antoine de Saint Exupéry)
Love means to give without expecting return, and every act is a prayer if it is a self-gift. (thanks OffRoad !)

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Return Stories Part Three
#71: August 08, 2023, 03:51:40 PM
Ran across these return stories after divorce. No major info, but interesting

1. After 17 years and two kids, she divorced me. She just felt things should have been better. After the divorce, we both tried to form new relationships. None were right for either of us; although after 6 months, she married the first man who asked her and spent an uncomfortable 12 months before divorcing him. Then, sweetly, hesitantly, she asked me if I’d like to try again. We've been married for 60 years! (We don’t count the two-year hiatus)

2. My ex left five years ago. Our divorce was final two years ago. Went no contact. I reactivated my Facebook page about a month ago after years of being closed to find he'd been sending me messages since 2021. I replied to one and we've been talking every since. He admitted he remarried but it just didn't work out and asked if we can try again. I know in this situation most people would say I'm crazy and that I should run. However, I have hope.

3. One of the other engineers in my group also got divorced and then remarried a year later. 

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There is almost something harder about someone being alive and having to lose what you believed to be true of them than someone actually dying.

Indefatigability - determined to do or achieve something; firmness of purpose
perspicacity- a clarity of vision or intellect which provides a deep understanding and insight

Married July 1991
Jan 2018 BD1 moved out I filed for Div/ H stopped it
Oct 2018 moved back
Oct 2020 BD2
Feb 2021 Div-29 1/2 years
July 2021 Married OW
Feb 2022  XH fired
June 2022 XH bring OW to meet family due to xMIL illness
May 2023 went NC after telling XH we could not be friends
Aug 2023 XH moves w/o OWife
May 2024 xMIL visits XH/OW in their new home
Aug 2024 cut relations w/XH fam.
Dec 2024 D33 expecting baby ( XH not told)

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Return Stories Part Three
#72: August 10, 2023, 01:59:25 PM
I mentioned in, I think it was Madluv's thread, about a friend of mine, recovering from cancer, whose partner has returned. But as this is a work in progress, I will update that when things are more settled. The story I want to share here is rather odd (aren't they all?). An older friend of mine, when she found out what happened to me, shared something that happened to her about 35 years ago (she is now 80). Her H had a prostrate cancer scare. Being very worried and distressed, she confided in a close friend. Soon after, her H told her not to share with anyone, and she confessed that she had already told a close friend. Apparently, he completely overreacted, got mad, and thereafter stopped speaking to her. He moved to their spare room and completely cut of communication. This lasted for 2 years. Until they went to a family wedding out of town and had a shared hotel room booked for them. Retiring to bed after the wedding, without any preamble, he got into bed with her. As if it was the most normal thing in the world. And after that he kind of returned to normal. She had never told anyone else (although her children knew through observation). And she and her H never spoke of it. Strange huh? I could tell, even after all these years, that she was still shocked and hurt by it. She says she still wonders if he would do it again. And she knows that she has become more independent because of it.
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« Last Edit: August 10, 2023, 02:04:43 PM by KayDee »

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Return Stories Part Three
#73: September 11, 2023, 06:04:55 PM
Together and married 32 years. XH started acting weird the beginning of 2017 after my sister died. He had been in contact with someone from his past. He left April 2017. BD (after he left) was to our oldest daughter. She had no idea what he was talking about.  He was deep in MLC and had all the symptoms. Once I learned about MLC I went NC. I only spoke with him if he reached out to me. He reached out about a month ago. He showed up at the house a little over a week ago. He has verbalized he’s never leaving again.
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Return Stories Part Three
#74: September 12, 2023, 05:17:10 PM
He has been gone 6 years and just showed up? How much communication did you have? I assume since you posted here you let him come back?
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There is almost something harder about someone being alive and having to lose what you believed to be true of them than someone actually dying.

Indefatigability - determined to do or achieve something; firmness of purpose
perspicacity- a clarity of vision or intellect which provides a deep understanding and insight

Married July 1991
Jan 2018 BD1 moved out I filed for Div/ H stopped it
Oct 2018 moved back
Oct 2020 BD2
Feb 2021 Div-29 1/2 years
July 2021 Married OW
Feb 2022  XH fired
June 2022 XH bring OW to meet family due to xMIL illness
May 2023 went NC after telling XH we could not be friends
Aug 2023 XH moves w/o OWife
May 2024 xMIL visits XH/OW in their new home
Aug 2024 cut relations w/XH fam.
Dec 2024 D33 expecting baby ( XH not told)

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Re: Return Stories Part Three
#75: September 14, 2023, 03:46:07 AM
Together and married 32 years. XH started acting weird the beginning of 2017 after my sister died. He had been in contact with someone from his past. He left April 2017. BD (after he left) was to our oldest daughter. She had no idea what he was talking about.  He was deep in MLC and had all the symptoms. Once I learned about MLC I went NC. I only spoke with him if he reached out to me. He reached out about a month ago. He showed up at the house a little over a week ago. He has verbalized he’s never leaving again.

Hi - would you like to start your own thread on here so that others can respond to you?  We tend to keep this particular thread to one -off stories and anecdotal evidence rather than a discussion thread.
It would be good to hear more about your LBS story too.
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BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017.
Separated 2022 (my choice because he wanted to live alone) and yet fully reconnected seeing each other often.

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Return Stories Part Three
#76: September 14, 2023, 02:59:00 PM
  I actually started a thread years ago. Not quite sure how to access it. I’m happy to answer any questions that come through. If someone can help me with accessing the old thread or starting a new one. Thanks
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#77: September 14, 2023, 03:32:44 PM
He has been gone 6 years and just showed up? How much communication did you have? I assume since you posted here you let him come back?

Not much communication at all. Only when he reached out to me.  He reached out about a month ago. He still spoke as if he was in MLC because he even mentioned that he needed OW and can’t live without her. I told him he deserves to be happy and good luck with that. About a week and a half later he was at my door with his belongings. I let him come back because I wanted to make good on a promise I made to him. To get him to sign the marital settlement agreement and let me keep the house I promised him he would have a place to stay if they broke up.  The best decision I ever made. I’ve also told him I don’t have a revolving door. If he leaves again he can not come back. He looked me in my eyes and said he is happy right here at home. He even said he don’t know why he left and it was the biggest mistake of his life.
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Re: Return Stories Part Three
#78: September 15, 2023, 05:06:56 AM
  I actually started a thread years ago. Not quite sure how to access it. I’m happy to answer any questions that come through. If someone can help me with accessing the old thread or starting a new one. Thanks


Just start a new one and PM me your previous moniker if you had one and the time line when you were on here. That way one of the mods can find it in archives and merge your new one with it.

Thanks
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Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017.
Separated 2022 (my choice because he wanted to live alone) and yet fully reconnected seeing each other often.

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Return Stories Part Three
#79: October 11, 2023, 10:00:12 PM
Do we genuinely believe our MLCers loved us all along?  That the love is still inside of them, just suppressed by depression? 

The two MLCers I’ve spoken with did not talk about this love at all.  What motivated them for wanting to return was that their new life sucked way worse than their old life, so they wanted their old life back.  Not because of some romantic attachment to their LBS.  But because it’s better than than the crappy situation they engineered. 

Sure over time a friendship and love can grow.  But that’s not the reason for their return.  At least in the two cases I know. 

Can the vets here comment on this.
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Return Stories Part Three
#80: October 12, 2023, 12:27:22 AM
My most honest answer to this is threefold…
I think every single LBS asks themselves this question at some point, often repeatedly.
I think it is perhaps not the same answer for everyone or every situation
I think, for me, love is as love does and they self-evidently reach a point when no, they don’t bc no one who liked us, let alone loved us or even valued having previously loved us, would do some of the things they do in the way they do them.

My own answer….which may not be the same for everyone…is that I honestly don’t know now how much or how little of my former husband’s half of our shared life was true or not. I know that he behaved like someone who did for decades, with me and others, consistently…..until he didn’t. Which is why we were all so shocked. If he did love me, all I can conclude is that his version of love turned out to be rather different from mine, more about feelings than choice and commitment, more situational than fixed, more conditional perhaps in ways I didn’t know.
But I honestly don’t know.
My task became how to make peace with what I did know and what I didn’t.
I know what I felt and how I expressed that feeling in how I lived my half of our life. I know what I chose to do with those feelings after BD and for a few years after that. Even now tbh, I know how deep and solid my love was bc of the small residue of it that governed how I acted and how I think about him now. It’s not the same but it’s not nothing.
At the same time, if I am trying to be honest with myself, I have to admit that people who love you, who value your existence, who care enough about you to want good things for you even if they no longer want to share their life with you, simply do not do some of the things my former husband did. And once the initial dust settled post BD, he had many opportunities over at least a couple of years to change that…and he didn’t. In fact, with hindsight, his behaviour got more cruel and more selfish over those couple of years…in the first few months, there was a glimmer now and then while he was perhaps one foot in and one foot out.

All of which rationally suggests to me that, whatever his version of love was or is, it was not the same as mine. That it was perhaps much more about what I did for him or how that made him feel than about me, if that makes sense. More about attachment or utility, than love or valuing me as a human being. Which isn’t a very nice or pleasing conclusion tbh  ::)….but it is the most honest one I can see years on. That these kinds of folks don’t do love in the way that I understand it…that they, perhaps unconsciously, behave like they do….until they don’t. And that this is about who and what they are in their bones, and really not about us at all….even if we got caught in the swell of it unwittingly.

If my xh ever got in touch with me and claimed differently….bc to be fair, none of us can really know the truth of someone’s heart, can we?….I would now be profoundly surprised. And I don’t think I would believe him bc I can’t see how one could join the dots and fill in the gaps or trust what was true after so many self-evident not truths and behavioural choices that had nothing to do with love, respect or even kindness. Once upon a time, i would have believed the exact opposite. I honestly believed he loved me…in the face of a lot of evidence of not love….until I couldn’t….and then I didn’t. And I still find that a rather sad and sorry thing bc it feels, sometimes, like part of my life was stolen in some way, that I was conned or just plain foolish, that it was deeply unfair to pay the price I paid for believing differently.

But I think the most honest answer is I don’t know. I don’t even know if he knows.  :)
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Return Stories Part Three
#81: October 12, 2023, 12:30:09 AM
Do we genuinely believe our MLCers loved us all along?  That the love is still inside of them, just suppressed by depression? 

The two MLCers I’ve spoken with did not talk about this love at all.  What motivated them for wanting to return was that their new life sucked way worse than their old life, so they wanted their old life back.  Not because of some romantic attachment to their LBS.  But because it’s better than than the crappy situation they engineered. 

Sure over time a friendship and love can grow.  But that’s not the reason for their return.  At least in the two cases I know. 

Can the vets here comment on this.

Hi Why,

I am no vet and I have no personal experience, but from what I read in Shock-sis story, yes the feelings of love come back fully when the fog is lifting. She writes it a lot of time, by example here
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Re: Return Stories Part Three
#82: October 12, 2023, 03:07:19 AM
I can only speak for my H who is now out of the fog , expressing remorse and regret and wishing it had never happened.  He is still a little self absorbed but he has told me quite clearly that he still does love me as much as he did before. 
However, I am a different person now and not the wife he "abandoned".  I still love him as the father of my children and yes I still see the good man that he used to be but I also now see the things I didn't see in our marriage because at times he did manipulate me and I was a people pleaser and fixer.  I see that some of those aspects of him are still there and that is not what I want out of any potential restored marriage.  There is also a deeper issue that H needs to apologise and reconcile with S too - but this he doesn't understand the damage he caused S who wants to write H out of his life altogether.

So now our relationship whilst very much reconnected is not that of a "couple" aka husband and wife together. Nevertheless he always introduces me as his wife - I'm the one who says he's my husband but by the way we're separated.

IMHO  @WHY - The MLCers you spoke to are possibly not out of the MLC crisis yet -choosing to return to a former life simply because it's better than the c**p one they have now means that they haven't done the work on themselves. It's a bit like a mountain climber who wants to climb Everest and makes several trips to visit it but only gets as far as base camp because it's easier than climbing up to the summit.
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Re: Return Stories Part Three
#83: October 12, 2023, 04:55:05 AM
IMHO  @WHY - The MLCers you spoke to are possibly not out of the MLC crisis yet -choosing to return to a former life simply because it's better than the c**p one they have now means that they haven't done the work on themselves. It's a bit like a mountain climber who wants to climb Everest and makes several trips to visit it but only gets as far as base camp because it's easier than climbing up to the summit.

I think this is my whole point.  Us LBS define success as the MLCer “doing the work on themselves” when they show full remorse and refind the love for the LBS. 

But these two MLCers I spoke with went through MLC 20 years ago and have made new lives for themselves.   They both regret what happened and wish they would not have left.  And wanted their own lives back.  But LBS wouldn’t take them back.  And they both wanted their lives back because it was better than their miserable fantasy that didn’t work out.  NOT because they had some undying love for LBS. 

Do the work = refind the love for the LBS
Come to though MLC = they both did, no more escape and avoid
But come through MLC does not = love for the LBS

I think the vast majority of MLCers get through their journey (sure some get stuck forever, but the majority get through it).  And most of them want to return. 

But how many actually “do the work” and refind the love for the LBS.

Hence I have to conclude.  The love for LBS is NOT suppressed by depression and always hidden in there.  But dependent on the MLCer doing the work.

This is quite the revelation. 
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Return Stories Part Three
#84: October 12, 2023, 06:12:43 AM
Now that I think about it, I have a personal experience of MLC or MLT : I also was in crisis since around 2/3 years before BD. This was a very mild a big crisis : no affair, only fantasy. But I was in a kind of fog and I was grumpy. My crisis ended brutally when I discovered W's OM and the fog was lifting few days ago.
All my feelings came back very strong. It was also the beginning of the work on myself.
So for me W's BD was a trigger to work on myself. It is likely that I feared to loose her and I expected her to come back in a short time. Now i continue to work on myself but not for her anymore, for me. I have lost her already and I don't want to come back in the past.

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Aimer, c'est donner sans attendre de retour et tout acte est prière, s'il est don de soi (Antoine de Saint Exupéry)
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Re: Return Stories Part Three
#85: October 12, 2023, 07:58:00 AM
Quote
The two MLCers I’ve spoken with did not talk about this love at all.  What motivated them for wanting to return was that their new life sucked way worse than their old life, so they wanted their old life back.  Not because of some romantic attachment to their LBS.  But because it’s better than than the crappy situation they engineered.


Quote
But these two MLCers I spoke with went through MLC 20 years ago and have made new lives for themselves.   They both regret what happened and wish they would not have left.  And wanted their own lives back.  But LBS wouldn’t take them back.
WHY - Above are your 2 quotes and I answered the first because I understood that they had actually returned to the marriage.  It is clear that this is not the case and so my answer is technically nul and void or moot.

I read the first quote as they had returned to the marriage but not for love at all but for self gratification and ease of dealing with their oncoming issues.   Hence my response.

This is always the challenge with interpretation.

However do I agree with this....? 
Quote
The love for LBS is NOT suppressed by depression and always hidden in there.  But dependent on the MLCer doing the work.

Each situation is different.  Acorn's H returned very quickly and had always loved her.  Stayed's H returned after 4 years or so and his open letter to the forum  (which is in resources I think)  starts with the words  " I have always loved Stayed"
My H has stated that he knew he always loved me even during his 3.5 yr affair with OW.

My knowledge of depression is quite intense; I had reactive depression after BD and needed 18 months of therapy.   Two out of my three children have had serious bouts of deep depression (including suicidal thoughts and tendencies) over the last 15 yrs or so. The one thing that they both have maintained is love for their family and tried hard to learn how to handle their depression, to accept it, to live with it.  And, at no point have I or their other sibling or friends felt that they had suppressed love in their depression. 
Their depression is based on their lack of love for themselves and not others.

My S 26 who regularly vents will often say " I love you so much Mum but sometimes I just don't want to be here in this life anymore"    That is hard to hear as a parent and TBH an MLCer's depression and commensurate behaviour pales into insignificance.
My D (now 32)  who ran away from home at 16  for 18 months in her first serious encounter with depression, has since said , she never stopped loving her family - she just wanted out and she didn't know what she wanted but anything other than what she had.

Depression is where someone cannot love themselves no matter how much they love others.  I genuinely don't think you can create a simple answer to whether an MLCer hides their love for the LBS and suppresses it.  An MLCer hides and suppresses who they are because their level of depression is so great - they cannot face their own truth or themselves. 

Unfortunately they show it through harmful and hurtful words and actions believing that they no longer love and not just the spouse but their children too.

Quote
Us LBS define success as the MLCer “doing the work on themselves” when they show full remorse and refind the love for the LBS


 I do not see "success" in anything to do with MLC.
 I equally do not think that when an MLCer shows remorse or regret, it means that they have done the work on themselves.  No - to me,  it just means that they have recognised what they have done and are choosing to apologise for their actions.
Working on oneself is a choice and some LBSers and MLCers will do this.  Maybe together or maybe apart.  They might find a new level of love for their partners.  They may also find that they will love the person for who they once were but are unable to love them fully again.

Each situation as Acorn often says is "an example of one"
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Return Stories Part Three
#86: October 12, 2023, 07:59:13 AM
I just watched this documentary on Amazon called "Desperately Seeking Soulmate" about people joining a service to find their twin flame. It made me sad for people.  "Love" and attachment are so often conflated, I don't think people realize they're doing it. And I don't think many people have EVER actually really thought about what love means to them, like REALLY thought about it. If they did, many would have to face that what they've called "love" their whole life has actually been magical thinking to some degree. The romanticized idea that love is something we can't choose, something that happens to us that we're powerless against, has never made sense, and so to me, the idea of buried love doesn't make sense.

I might think of it more as "Will the MLCer ever possess the emotional intelligence to understand that we weren't the cause of all their problems and that they could have continued to intentionally build a life with us as partners had they not had an immature romanticized view of love that led them to believe we failed to fulfil their needs but someone else could do that for them?" A partnership requires two people to be committed, intentional and able to communicate even the most uncomfortable things, so if one or both parties believe that love is a "force that takes hold of us and we can't help it,"   well, then imo, that's antithetical to a healthy partnership. I would be more inclined to believe an MLCer had truly done some introspection if they came back and said, "I truly did stop "loving" you because what I believed was "love" was immature and selfish and therefore, unsustainable," rather than someone who claims they buried their love like a dog with a bone.
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Return Stories Part Three
#87: October 12, 2023, 09:19:03 AM
I should have mentioned I spoke to a 3rd MLCer.  Same story.  She returned after 3 years because she couldn’t handle seeing her H with a new woman, and her current situation absolutely sucked. 

That’s 3/3.  I strongly believe that the only reason they return is because their new situation is miserable and fantasyland did not work out.

Because the two MLCers that tried to return and LBS would not let them.  They came through MLC.  They reached acceptance and built new lives.  But they did not have that romantic love for their wives when they tried to return.  And they do not have it today all these years later.

The third MLCer eventuall remarried and loves her husband and is happy (cause he made changes lol).  So I think that love was developed later on in this new relationship.  And wasn’t the old suppressed love.  She made it clear she returned because her new situation sucked. 

I’m just not buying it that the love is suppressed all along.  I think it’s gone and a new love has to be developed, which is what we call “doing the work”.

If you’ve hated someone.  And I mean outright hated someone for 3-7 years and tried to destroy them.  You don’t just wake up one day and say oops, my bad, I actually still love you all along.  You probably realized your new situation is a disaster, have nostalgia about what you once have, and try to return to that to see where it goes, because the alternative is miserable. 

At that point, catching feelings for someone who loves you and cares for you when you’re so vulnerable and lost in the world makes sense.  Sure it’s easier to fall in love with an old flame because you have history and connection. Like and old high school sweetheart.  But it doesn’t mean that you spent all these years in between “always loving” your high school sweetheart.  especially if you spent the last few years trying to destroy them. 

No.  I believe it’s a new love that needs to be developed and the original love is gone forever.  MLCers need an opportunity to develop this new love through reconciliation. 

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Return Stories Part Three
#88: October 13, 2023, 02:50:39 AM
This is an interesting topic. I believe that 'love' requires us to be intersubjective. Our sharing of experiences, feelings etc, creates meaning and a bond between two people. Obviously put, it's relational. When a personal loses a sense of themselves, in MLC/identity crisis, it would seem unlikely that they function intersubjectively, because you have to know yourself to relate in this way. I think this is why it takes the crisis person so long to introspect (if they ever do), because often there is an emptiness inside (often described by the MLC) - so how do you reflect on a void? I don't know the answer regarding  my H and love. Each time I meet him he acts very much like he is still attached to me. He looks at me with 'love', he cries, he wants me to hug him etc. He seems like a lost toddler, arms outstretched for someone to pick him up. I don't think that has to be me (clearly, given recent events). He told me once that he feels that he has to love people twice as much, to get back half, but actually, I think he is so preoccupied looking for love, that he is actually gives less. In other words, his childhood bereft of unconditional love and always having to meet the needs of his M, meant that he has always been searching for it.
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#89: October 13, 2023, 05:03:34 AM
Yes very interesting topic : what is love ? For Christians, it is a name of God, the greatest I believe. To add one pov of this topic, I had last night kind of revelation about my W : the person with whom I interact is not my wife currently, she is a wounded 12 year old girl who has lost her father then who has been abandoned by her mother. She is in deep pain, she has no husband, no children, she is angry towards her mother and her brothers (except younger one that she took care of).
I know from our dating times that the wounded child has always been inside my W, she was not self-confident, she was afraid of being abandoned by me. I knew it and I did take that knowledge in account. We had a great marriage and a lot of good moments, W grew a lot alonside me, I grew a lot alongside her. But I was never able to heal her.
Now the wounded girl has taken the control, and my beloved W is prisoner inside. Will she come back again ? I don't know. In the past I had a W 99% of time, and 1% glimpses a wounded teenager. Now it is the contrary.

I suspect the wounded teenager to not love our children. She behaves as if she loves them but there are hints that the person in control does not. No blame : the wounded teenager needs to be loved and is not able to love currently, first she needs healing.

I am not working in medical field or psy, what I write in this post makes sense for me and it helps me to detach and to not react to the crazy words or actions of W.
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Aimer, c'est donner sans attendre de retour et tout acte est prière, s'il est don de soi (Antoine de Saint Exupéry)
Love means to give without expecting return, and every act is a prayer if it is a self-gift. (thanks OffRoad !)

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Return Stories Part Three
#90: October 31, 2023, 06:21:59 AM
Yes I fear you are right, SIL is still/again in MLC.

One thing that rang a huge bell when I called her : I told SIL that praying is helping a lot (she is very Christian) and she told me that, since the death of her father, she is not able to say anymore "Our Father". That sounds totally MLC.

I plan to call her from time to time. It is a so easy to help her. I would be delighted if someone could do that for my W ;D

During my last holidays I have spent time with SIL as we were 3 days to my brother's home. She was very happy to announce me that she is seeing an IC every two week (my strong suggestion) and she is adressing her FOO wounds. She looked to me a lot better than she was in July and we had a lot of discussions and good time together. I talked a bit about W but without details and without any inputs regarding OM. My brother is not the best husband in the world (not the worst) but he has done progresses. I am happy for them. I would love that someone with good intentions talks with my W as I have talked with SIL, but it is totally beyond my control.
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Aimer, c'est donner sans attendre de retour et tout acte est prière, s'il est don de soi (Antoine de Saint Exupéry)
Love means to give without expecting return, and every act is a prayer if it is a self-gift. (thanks OffRoad !)

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Return Stories Part Three
#91: October 31, 2023, 06:34:49 AM
I would love that someone with good intentions talks with my W as I have talked with SIL, but it is totally beyond my control.

Not only is it beyond your control, unless the Mid-Lifer is really willing to listen and consider what the person has to say, regardless of how well-intentioned they are, that person will just be slagged off and lumped into the "against me" crowd. 

Very similar to an alcoholic - until they WANT to get off the sauce, until they see a need to stop drinking, anyone who suggests they have a problem is the enemy.
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Return Stories Part Three
#92: January 01, 2024, 11:23:36 PM
[quote ]
an update with SIL's story : she sent recently a mail to me
"thanks for you calls from last month. They moved me, I decided to go in IC in order to go throught my dad's grieving process. I have met a very listening woman who told me "you are through a crisis that is not one of the least"

That rang a bell for me so I called her and it seems to me her dad's death last autumn is making her coming back in the crisis. I fear that she is not fully healed and she is entering a second round of MLC even if she denegates it. I am happy for her that she is in IC. She told me that she considered in the past IC is throwing money out of the window, and I told her that in the contrary it is an investment for her and also her children. What she is dealing with her IC is clearly FOO from what I understand.
[/quote]

So I give some news here from SIL as we have spent nice holidays together. She is working will with her IC, and she looked a lot better to me, beaming and joyful during our time together and the walks between sea and mountain. She also confided to me that her mother (who is currently in last stages of life) said to her "ILY" for the first time. So I am SO happy for SIL. I will continue to phone her from time to time and I will probably see her in the next 6 months, IMO she is going out her second MLC/T. First one lasted 4 years, was mild from what I know, and was not really finished as she had not worked on herself.
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Aimer, c'est donner sans attendre de retour et tout acte est prière, s'il est don de soi (Antoine de Saint Exupéry)
Love means to give without expecting return, and every act is a prayer if it is a self-gift. (thanks OffRoad !)

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Re: Return Stories Part Three
#93: January 08, 2024, 02:51:45 AM
Quote
I equally do not think that when an MLCer shows remorse or regret, it means that they have done the work on themselves.  No - to me,  it just means that they have recognised what they have done and are choosing to apologise for their actions.
Working on oneself is a choice and some LBSers and MLCers will do this.  Maybe together or maybe apart.

This is not a return anecdote per se; however it might help the newbies who probably cling to this particular thread.  Last night H told me so much more about his time with OW.  I listened and simply said at the end " And yet you chose to be with her and stay with her knowing how psychologically disturbed she was" (what he said she did to her adopted daughter was appalling). You chose to give up your life with me and the children for her? I have difficulty really getting to grips with that."

His reply was " I thought I could help OW (rescuer mentality - knight in shining armour). What I didn't realise was what a caustic, toxic person she is - how she could be so charming and engaging and underneath an absolute b****h.  "
And then  " I made the biggest mistake of my life getting involved with her - I lost everything, my family, you my wife, my home, even my business which has never been on track since meeting her. I cannot explain how much I regret this.  I only know that you were never out of my thoughts. "

I just said "  Thank you - yes you did lose everything and it's been nearly 11 years. "

H was shocked at the length of time -- and when I told him the date of BD - he physically shook and when I said I had forgiven him but I would never forget - he hugged me and said "Please don't forget, I don't ever want to do that to you again"

Did it make me want to reconcile? Not particularly. Did I feel grateful that he said all of this because it was something that I had always wanted to know?  Partially; you hear about it in the few return stories we get and it was interesting to see that I was getting something similar.

More importantly H hasn't directly asked to come back and reconcile. He's dropped hints which I've chuckled at.  It's not because I have moved on; it's just that he's not emotionally ready and may never be.

However hopefully this anecdote will help newbies see that whilst returns are not guaranteed, the MLC can return to the LBS and can show genuine remorse and love.  It's not their choice though to reconcile - it has to be something that both LBS and MLCer are genuinely and emotional capable of. 

Oh and BTW 18 months after finishing with my H the OW married someone new. 4 yrs on she is getting divorced for the second time in 9 yrs (she didn't divorce her first H until a year after she met my H).  ::) ::) ::)
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Separated 2022 (my choice because he wanted to live alone) and yet fully reconnected seeing each other often.

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Return Stories Part Three
#94: January 08, 2024, 06:08:20 AM
It’s a sad truth that they do destroy these things, don’t they? Whether we or they like it or not.

I recall a time when hearing those kinds of words mattered to you, Song. I suspect from what you said your perspective is a little different now understandably but I hope it was some small salve regardless. X
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: Return Stories Part Three
#95: February 14, 2024, 07:00:13 AM
It’s been 15 years since BD.
We had a rocky few years with his EA and need for space… but he can hardly remember that now and has rewritten his story. He says he has always loved me and always will. He says sweet things to me every day, and we go to sleep holding hands. We sometimes have arguments, sometimes I think he’s impossible (and so am I), and we bicker a lot about nothing important.
Most of the time I don’t think about his MIL at all, but sometimes something will remind me, and I remember how unfair it is. But when I start to go down that rabbit hole, I remember that he was not himself then. He’d changed, radically, and everyone could see that he was lost, burned out, and confused. It helps me to remember that.
My youngest daughter was 13 at BD, and was aware of a lot of what was going on. She’s now an adult, a psychologist and one of my best friends. We spoke about it the other day, although she thinks it should now be buried, and she said it was so obvious that he was lost and his behaviour was strange. He was strange with everyone; his friends , children, mother but mostly me. It does help to remember this in order to bury it again.
He’s 66 now, still exhausted but not burnt out. He’ll be retiring soon and we’re looking forward to spending our old age together.

But as cosy as that is, my biggest takeaway was that we need to be happy with ourselves before we can be happy with anyone else. That’s still true today.

Have courage, MLCers, whichever way your story goes, and be happy with yourself.
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Return Stories Part Three
#96: February 14, 2024, 07:47:51 AM
Mermaid.....am smiling reading your update. Especially your "understanding" and compassion for him.

Continue to have a wonderful life! As we know, no one else can make us happy..that is up to ourselves.

Your contribution of so many psychological aspects of MLC was always very helpful to me, and, am smiling again..because you have shown us again, as other long timers have, that we make it through...we truly do!

Quote
But when I start to go down that rabbit hole, I remember that he was not himself then. He’d changed, radically, and everyone could see that he was lost, burned out, and confused. It helps me to remember that.

she said it was so obvious that he was lost and his behaviour was strange. He was strange with everyone; his friends , children, mother but mostly me. It does help to remember this in order to bury it again.

I just returned from spending 11 days with him with our daughter and son in law.....14 years later he is "better" but still not great. You often explained anhedonia, and that would be the best word I could use to describe what he is like now.

Take good care!
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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

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Re: Return Stories Part Three
#97: February 14, 2024, 08:34:19 AM
xyzcf, hello my old friend!

So good to hear from you... you sound like you are in a better place. That's the main thing.

 :D :D :D
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Return Stories Part Three
#98: February 14, 2024, 09:39:50 AM
Definately in a much better place  :)
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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

W

WHY

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Re: Return Stories Part Three
#99: February 14, 2024, 11:39:28 AM
but he can hardly remember that now and has rewritten his story. He says he has always loved me and always will.

Thank you for posting.  I dont think I'll ever wrap my head around this.  I know for a fact that right now, 2 years post BD with a SAHM wallower, there is absolutely no way she feels this way.  Not a chance.  NO, in this moment, there is zero love.  It's outright hatred.

Sure feelings can change down the road.  But it's like those feelings down the road also get rewritten, just like her feelings now have been rewritten.

And that's what I'll never understand.  How can someone just rewrite feelings like that?  And these are not small feelings.  It's feelings of "let me inflict maximum torture and pain" to "I always loved you more than anything".

NOPE.  Thats a mind truck.  I'll never understand it. 
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Re: Return Stories Part Three
#100: February 16, 2024, 05:14:42 AM
Sure feelings can change down the road.  But it's like those feelings down the road also get rewritten, just like her feelings now have been rewritten.
And that's what I'll never understand.  How can someone just rewrite feelings like that?  And these are not small feelings.  It's feelings of "let me inflict maximum torture and pain" to "I always loved you more than anything".
We rewrite everything, all the time. Perhaps not as dramatically as they do in midlife, however.
Rewriting is a way of making sense of our lives, of protecting our ego, and separating ourselves from what we felt repressed us. It is not necessarily a reflection of any external truth.

My H projected all his pain on me. Projection is a psychological defense mechanism; something in their lives has gone wrong and feels unbearable and the pain is externalised, often onto the closest person. In my H's case, that was me, but also his mother and, to a certain extent, his children (who he felt alienated from as they went through their teen years).

That is why it is vital to let go; we need to protect ourselves (firstly), become complete in ourselves (vitally) and let our spouse work out what their own problems are. If they realise that we are not their problem, they may come back. Please don't wait for this, because that will mean we have not grown. Accepting their return has to be on new terms, both must have grown.

In my case, the tables turned; I had so long admired my H, put him on a pedestal, that I empowered him. Now I realise that he needs me perhaps more than I need him, but our relationship is much more balanced, and we're probably happier now than ever.

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S
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Re: Return Stories Part Three
#101: February 21, 2024, 01:57:13 AM
Quote
That is why it is vital to let go; we need to protect ourselves (firstly), become complete in ourselves (vitally) and let our spouse work out what their own problems are. If they realise that we are not their problem, they may come back. Please don't wait for this, because that will mean we have not grown. Accepting their return has to be on new terms, both must have grown.

THIS AND THIS!

Quote
In my case, the tables turned; I had so long admired my H, put him on a pedestal, that I empowered him. Now I realise that he needs me perhaps more than I need him, but our relationship is much more balanced, and we're probably happier now than ever.
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« Last Edit: February 21, 2024, 01:58:48 AM by Songanddance »
BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017.
Separated 2022 (my choice because he wanted to live alone) and yet fully reconnected seeing each other often.

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Return Stories Part Three
#102: March 24, 2024, 08:21:02 AM
S and D I couldn't agree more.

Been a lot of talk on here recently about statistics of those who return and who don't return and whether its correct to believe in reconciliation or not and all the while none of it matters. There is no right answer and everyone has different circumstances although the overriding premise is the same.

The future is always uncertain no matter what.... why worry oneself over it? Cannot control it. Whatever one worries about may never come true.....

JUst try to be the best person you can be and whatever happens, happens.

Please do not misunderstand. Divorce sucks. I miss my wife everyday. I think about her everyday. But cannot control anything else and I try to make things positive.
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Re: Return Stories Part Three
#103: May 16, 2024, 05:02:08 PM
As a stander I want to thank you all for your input. We’re almost at 15 months and she’s still at home. I’m taking every ones advice and living my life. If and when she comes out of this I’m hoping to be Baxter 2.0. Until then I am grateful that I have this forum to vent and get great information, and hope, thank you!
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BD 3/23
Standing
W Still at Home
Me-48
W-46
S-16
S-18

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Return Stories Part Three
#104: May 18, 2024, 11:53:06 AM
I admire the courage and strength you are showing Baxter. Baxter 2.0 will be unbelievable!!
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Re: Return Stories Part Three
#105: June 02, 2024, 04:55:49 PM
It’s been 15 years since BD.
We had a rocky few years with his EA and need for space… but he can hardly remember that now and has rewritten his story. He says he has always loved me and always will. He says sweet things to me every day, and we go to sleep holding hands. We sometimes have arguments, sometimes I think he’s impossible (and so am I), and we bicker a lot about nothing important.
Most of the time I don’t think about his MIL at all, but sometimes something will remind me, and I remember how unfair it is. But when I start to go down that rabbit hole, I remember that he was not himself then. He’d changed, radically, and everyone could see that he was lost, burned out, and confused. It helps me to remember that.
My youngest daughter was 13 at BD, and was aware of a lot of what was going on. She’s now an adult, a psychologist and one of my best friends. We spoke about it the other day, although she thinks it should now be buried, and she said it was so obvious that he was lost and his behaviour was strange. He was strange with everyone; his friends , children, mother but mostly me. It does help to remember this in order to bury it again.
He’s 66 now, still exhausted but not burnt out. He’ll be retiring soon and we’re looking forward to spending our old age together.

But as cosy as that is, my biggest takeaway was that we need to be happy with ourselves before we can be happy with anyone else. That’s still true today.

Have courage, MLCers, whichever way your story goes, and be happy with yourself.

Thank you for sharing that!  I wish that this period was somewhat more recognized as a mental health phenomenon.  I literally thought that a MLC was the stereotype of haircut, clothes, car to try and recapture youth.  It is so so much deeper.  We have not reconciled, or even completed crisis, but he has already turned from he's not in love with me anymore, to he loves me very much (he doesn't say it all the time currently), and a few times, has told me that I am always on his mind. 

I am trying to hold on to hope, but move forward as well.  It is a hard line to walk.
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M-23y T24y
Me 47
H-49
S21,D17,D12
BD1 9-21 BD2 9-22 Atomic Bd3 & ILYBNILWY 2-23
Moved to RV 5/2023
OW Discovery 7/23
Touch and Gos since 6/23
Reconnecting?

 

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