[FaithWalker]

Hopefully he can now allow himself to fully heal and to build a life worth living, despite not being with her in the end.

[turtleduck99]

I have a story, one told from the MLCer.
On the occasion of playing a concert, one of my band mates and I were talking.  Got on the subject of the stress of my D, and how my H was in MLC.
She asked me if I had had a crisis to which I said no.
Her response, "I have, and it's REAl".
I asked if she would talk about what she felt and what she went through.  She admitted to not remembering a lot about what she did during the 2 years after bomb drop.
She said that one day she awoke, and her thinking was so confused, fuzzy like.  She said she had these thoughts to do things that she knew was
wrong, but she had this strong desire to act on those thoughts.  She said that there was a lot of guilt, but couldn't stop.  She was in an emotional affair, even her young children, at the time, would tell her that this guy she met was more than a friend, no matter what she said. 
She likened her feelings toward her husband being like that of having McDonald's every day.  She was tired of McDonald's and wanted to have Steak or lobster.... It was a need for something different in the hopes it would be better.  She talked about how her head/thinking was always cloudy, never clear thoughts.
One day her affair partner broke it off, about two years in.... At that point she could see clearly, her thoughts cleared and she could see that she had issues to work on from her childhood.  She said that she emidiatly could see that if she had stayed with the OM it would have been toxic.

She pointed out that her husband had prayed daily and had asked others to pray.  They were on the verge of divorce but began working on their marriage.  She told me it was about three years of working on things but they are stronger now and much more happy.

[Stand Tall]

Hi,

  I was BD'd 10 months ago. At the time I had never heard of MLC's, but my H friends kept asking me if he could be in one because of the way he was acting while with them. One day one of those friends, while at the same campgrounds for the weekend, stopped me as I drove around the park and asked me what I wanted from my H. This was 2 months after BD. I told him that I wanted my marriage. He told me ok then you need to go home and don't contact him anymore. Then he proceeded to tell me that he and his wife have just started dating again, that the om was long gone and they were trying to work things out. At the time I was clueless as to what he was telling me. I have been looking at his Fb page off and on over the past 10 months to see if there are any signs. There hasn't been anything until two days ago when I looked. There are now pictures of the two of them with their grown children and grandson. They look very happy together. They were seperated for about two years.

  I had another woman from our circle of friends come and tell me that when her boys were about 8 and 10 her H had had an A and left them and moved 4 states away with the ow. Her S8 was very attached to his D and was very upset for the two years that he was gone. One day out of the blue she got a call from him asking if he could come home. She said that she didn't want him back, but her son threw a fit so she gave in and let him come home. She didn't talk to him for a year. She slowly came around to letting him back in her life. Her S's are now in their late 30's and the two of them are still together. She told me to be patient and that my H will come back.

  Here's another great story. On New years eve while out with some of H and my friends I got to talking with one of the woman. She asked me a few questions about my H. I told her that he has issues to work on and asked if she knew what a MLC was. She said yes and pointed at her H. I was surprised, I had no idea. She said it was 10 years ago and it was a bad one. I asked if he had an A and she said yes. Like my H her's never monstered at her either. Her H was gone just under two years. This past July they got married after being together for 20 years. She said his MLC is why it took so long to get married. They are so much in love with each other and he looks at her with such passion in his eyes. I told her that I had heard that the new relationship is better then it was before. She said it truly is and in the end it made it all worth it. She also told me that the people in H club are just waiting for this to pass. They don't like the ow and don't talk to her. They say she is weird.

  After 10 months of this and very little contact from my ol friends from my H club I have been starting to get a few calls and messages from some of the women. They say they are tired of not being allowed to talk with me and they want to start being friends again. This is a very close and closed club. H wanted me gone in the beginning and so my friends were told to stay out of things. I can feel the change in the air.

  These stories have given me so much encouragement in my stand. The last story lifted me up so high. I got a small glimpse into his world. It makes me feel so good to know that they all have high hopes for our reconciliation. I will just keep on keeping on with my GAL with a smile on my face.

-Stand

[Nas]

All of these stories, like most return stories, involve spouses who were gone two years or less. Makes me wonder if there are any known stories of returns after 5 years or more.

I’m not standing ever since he disappeared when I got cancer. But I do still get a weird feeling of discouragement when every reconnection/reconciliation/return story involves much shorter timelines than most of what we see here. There are thousands of registered users on HS, probably a couple hundred active or semi-active users, and the majority seem to have spouses who have been gone over 3 years, many well over three years.

So for most, 2 years sounds like a blip on the radar and returns within that time make me wonder if they are MLTs or even non-MLC affairs.

[FaithWalker]

I'm not sure if this has been posted by Lysa Terkeurst has remarried her H.  Her M was falling apart about the same time as mine in late 2015/early 2016.  She has recently written a book called "It's Not Supposed To Be This Way."  I'm hoping to read it soon.  A lot of her postings at the time my M was falling apart really spoke to me.  I didn't realize it was because her M was falling part too until much later, and then she had announced that she was seeking a divorce.

[engagewithlove]

I have a story, one told from the MLCer.
On the occasion of playing a concert, one of my band mates and I were talking.  Got on the subject of the stress of my D, and how my H was in MLC.
She asked me if I had had a crisis to which I said no.
Her response, "I have, and it's REAl".
I asked if she would talk about what she felt and what she went through.  She admitted to not remembering a lot about what she did during the 2 years after bomb drop.
She said that one day she awoke, and her thinking was so confused, fuzzy like.  She said she had these thoughts to do things that she knew was
wrong, but she had this strong desire to act on those thoughts.  She said that there was a lot of guilt, but couldn't stop.  She was in an emotional affair, even her young children, at the time, would tell her that this guy she met was more than a friend, no matter what she said. 
She likened her feelings toward her husband being like that of having McDonald's every day.  She was tired of McDonald's and wanted to have Steak or lobster.... It was a need for something different in the hopes it would be better.  She talked about how her head/thinking was always cloudy, never clear thoughts.
One day her affair partner broke it off, about two years in.... At that point she could see clearly, her thoughts cleared and she could see that she had issues to work on from her childhood.  She said that she emidiatly could see that if she had stayed with the OM it would have been toxic.

She pointed out that her husband had prayed daily and had asked others to pray.  They were on the verge of divorce but began working on their marriage.  She told me it was about three years of working on things but they are stronger now and much more happy.

I'd like to think the MLCer is tired of having lobster all the time so tries McDonalds for a change...then wakes up realise that fast food leaves you with indigestion and a bad aftertaste

[Grady]

I guess I have my own return story.  H's MLC  started in 2014 with OW.  I found out in 2015 and we tried working on things but it was one sided and he moved out for 2 years.  OW got pregnant when he left.  He moved back home in 2017.  During the time he was away, we were in contact and started separation papers, but neither one of us wanted to go further.  OW is a nightmare...complete narcissist who only had S to keep H around.  Very emotionally abusive.  Since he's been home, abuse and contact with OW still continues.  H has been in a lot of therapy and has been working on issues stemming from childhood, but it is not a walk in the park.  He fights recovery every step of the way because it's so hard.  H is quick to have excuses and is the maturity of a young child.  OW left him penniless, unemployed and in a ton of debt.  H is having a really hard time climbing out.  Steps forward and then steps back.  H is permanently connected to OW because of S.  We are dealing with custody right now as OW threatens to commit suicide before letting S be around me because I'm the "monster" who wouldn't just divorce my H and let her use and abuse him.  Right now, OW controls H's access to S and only allows him to be with S if she is with them (complete contempt of court order).  It's been awful.  So, even though they return, the journey is far from over.  We have good days and bad days.  H takes a lot out on me.  Our three D's are so happy to have him home but they know H is sick and acts more like a friend than a father to them.  I'm glad H is home, but I long to be treated the way he used to treat me before MLC...with respect and care and love.  I am hopeful he can recover fully.  I know he wants to, but he's absolutely terrified at the same time. 

My stats:
Me - 45
H - 46
M - 20 years (together 23)
D - 14,14,11
SS - 3

[Milly]

Grady, thank you for coming to tell us about your H's returning and the complications that he brings back into your family. Wishing you well.

[Little Wing]

Hi All

as some of you may know from my story post  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10999.0   i work with young people in crisis between the ages of 11 and 18.

I have done this job for 24 years and have looked after thousands of children in their darkest times .. neglect and abuse primarily, but also of course 100s of marriage breakdowns.  Over half the children in my care are living with a single parent.  I have seen MLC many times, just never thought i would live it!

My job requires that I am very involved in family crises.

What I do know is that MLC is real (obviously) and i believe much more common than many think.  But also that return stories are real - i have seen many in the last 24 years and even more 'failed returns'  where the MLCer tries to reconcile, but their partner has moved on either with another relationship or emotionally or is too scared to risk more pain, etc.  I will not divulge too many details of my work except to say...

Many of the returns seem to happen within 3 years of BD, but some are longer 4-6 years and one i know of, where the couple divorced and then remarried took 9 years from BD to remarriage! 

Im not sure if this experience is helping me or not, (currently i do not intend to stand past the summer unless there are big changes in W - its just too long to wait), but i thought it may be useful for those standing to know that I have seen many return stories and the patterns (that are well documented in this forum ) are very similar.

MLC is an awful affliction for the MLCer and the LBS and unfortunately for their children, but it can work out in my experience, im just not sure i am strong enough.

I hope this is an useful post on the right thread - as there is no individual story to tell as i only see the start and end of the process when i meet with children and parents.

Good luck to those standing and i hope you have your own return story to post before too long.

LW

[Seahorse]

LW - Thank you for sharing that.
I think that answers Nas's question, to a degree.

There are probably even later ones that you are not aware of because the older children have turned to adults during that period, and the adults would not be on your radar?

Sea