[Littlebitofme]

Boomeranging between 3 and 5, crying, angry, dont want to deal. How the hell am i supposed to act around him?
What kind of vindictive stuff can i do to hurt him if he leaves, after all hes put me through...

[Songanddance]

What kind of vindictive stuff can i do to hurt him if he leaves, after all hes put me through...

None whatsoever. Much as it hurts - always act with grace and dignity. Much as you want to hurt him - don't.  Vent on here by all means but do nothing to the MLCer other than establish boundaries and stick to them.  Your healing will be better for it.

[stayed]

What kind of vindictive stuff can i do to hurt him if he leaves, after all hes put me through...

Agree with S&G

None whatsoever. Much as it hurts - always act with grace and dignity. Much as you want to hurt him - don't.  Vent on here by all means but do nothing to the MLCer other than establish boundaries and stick to them.  Your healing will be better for it.

Vindictive getting even....only poisons YOUR soul!  The price is way TOO high!

Hugs Stayed

[toomanytearss]

Wanting revenge, being vindictive is part of the process.  You will get past those feelings.  I had them regularly.  I didn't act on them, but I sure as heck dreamed about them.    They have faded.  I no longer feel the need for that. 

My focus now is to focus on me.  Make my life better, more of what I want it to be.  I don't care if he is happy as a clam, sad as can be, rich or poor.  The only thing I care about is that I survive, find my way to thrive and make a wonderful home for d16. 

Once I started focusing on that I didn't care anymore about revenge. I don't care what his life is like at all. 

I used some tools to get there.  I was obsessed with trying to get my truck back from him.  I used the excuse that he's ruining my credit, it's my truck, he had no right.  All true.  But at what cost to myself to do this?  So I would look at every big jacked up 4 wheel drive I passed and most of them contained old men or women.  LOL  I told myself that truck isn't so great.  There's tons of them just like the one he's driving on the road and there is nothing special about them except what's in my own head.  Took me a while, but I don't care anymore.  I took the hit on the credit, kept my trailblazer, pay my bills, and let it go.  It just wasn't worth the emotional chaos I was having over it. 

[HJJ]

I find myself playing the victim quite often but it seems very defeating.


I think that the acceptance and forgiveness area is where I need to evenyually be.

I've got some 180's and mirror work to work on first.

[stayed]

Good for you MPowers, once you realize you are behaving like a victim it's pretty much uphill from there.  I healed in leaps and bounds once I realized what I was allowing this crisis of my husbands to DO TO ME! 

You're on you way to moving forward...pat yourself on the back. 

Hugs Stayed

[Snowdrop]

Vindictive getting even....only poisons YOUR soul!  The price is way TOO high!

Agreed, plus I do believe it is key to detachment and healing.  I think there's a part in us all that wants the MLCer to wake and feel such remorse and guilt and come home begging for forgiveness, but it might never happen and we don't have time to wait around and see.

My focus now is to focus on me.  Make my life better, more of what I want it to be.  I don't care if he is happy as a clam, sad as can be, rich or poor.  The only thing I care about is that I survive, find my way to thrive and make a wonderful home for d16. 

Once I started focusing on that I didn't care anymore about revenge. I don't care what his life is like at all.

Agreed. There comes a point where they don't take up as much space in our thoughts anymore and little by little, our own lives are full enough to enable that process.  It takes time but we can get there.

[Songanddance]

Agreed, plus I do believe it is key to detachment and healing.  I think there's a part in us all that wants the MLCer to wake and feel such remorse and guilt and come home begging for forgiveness, but it might never happen and we don't have time to wait around and see.

Quote
My focus now is to focus on me.  Make my life better, more of what I want it to be.  I don't care if he is happy as a clam, sad as can be, rich or poor.  The only thing I care about is that I survive, find my way to thrive and make a wonderful home for d16. 

Once I started focusing on that I didn't care anymore about revenge. I don't care what his life is like at all.

Agreed. There comes a point where they don't take up as much space in our thoughts anymore and little by little, our own lives are full enough to enable that process.  It takes time but we can get there.

Exactly and this is where I am at and have been for a while. Things have happened recently in my own life to make me stop and really begin to evaluate what I do next.
I am the point of changing my life completely and it doesn't involve H. Even though he is clinging boomerang, I can't be doing with it anymore. I hate being lonely and feeling invisible to all except my children. Work has held me together for a while but I really feel that I am over that too and therefore the time has come for the next stage of this LBSer's life.

It's important to recognise that this will happen and that change in the LBS has to happen.  You have to get through the grief, the anger, the pain and the sorrow that this all happened. You have to face life as a "statistic" You have to pick up the pieces and try to put them back together. You have to face cycling in tears, anger, frustration mixed with hope and joy. You have to face new things and it's scary.

The LBS should never stand completely still. Inner stillness and calm are important but it is just as valid to respond to the changes that occur and move forward.

[stayed]

It's important to recognise that this will happen and that change in the LBS has to happen.  You have to get through the grief, the anger, the pain and the sorrow that this all happened. You have to face life as a "statistic" You have to pick up the pieces and try to put them back together. You have to face cycling in tears, anger, frustration mixed with hope and joy. You have to face new things and it's scary!

This is SO true!  It is scary but so liberating!

Hugs Stayed

[toomanytearss]

Agreed.  All these emotions and the cycling of them have to be gone through.  I hated and fought going through all this.  I was afraid and stubborn and just didn't want to do it.  I'm through most of it now.  I've learned so much.  The most unexpected lesson was that I had been shoving all those emotions aside for years, before this ever happened. 
It's been a painful journey and I've wanted all these emotions and feelings to take a hike for a long time, but now I'm very grateful to feel again.  Even painful feelings.  Even tears.  I'll take them all now.  I never want to go through life again being an empty vessel. 
Now that I've accepted them and let myself feel things have become much better.  Sometimes I feel like there is still some black cloud raining on my parade at times, but it's not big deal anymore.  I just have a cry or laugh and get on with things.  I accept my down days and celebrate my good ones.  So much better this way. 
Facing new things can be very scary for sure.  Remember when we were young and new things were exciting and scary?  That's where this has taken me to.  Still scary, but the excitement has returned.  I thought all this would leave me broken and closed off and in some ways it probably has, but in much bigger ways it has made me more open and ready to face new challenges.