[HopeFaithLove]

I think you are right Stayed, I am very angry and depressed. Everything you said is so true. All my life I have tried to be a good person and a snake in the grass snuck up and stole my life. It's hard to accept something like that.

[Kat0465]

Attaching, 

[stayed]

It is hard to accept HopeFaithLove.  For now, take comfort in KNOWING it is very normal to feel as you do, I personally think anybody who says they are not feeling this rage at the "Robbery" of their life, their dreams, is in DENIAL!  Maybe they don't feel the boiling RAGE that some of us feel, but if you are feeling jealousy, envy, resentment about them doing the "things/activities" that you had EXPECTED to be doing/living, then you are feeling ANGER!

It is very normal my dear HopeFaithLove, very, very normal.  I allowed my anger freedom UNTIL I started having anxiety attacks.  At that point I realized my ANGER had gotten out of hand, that it was TAKING over my life.  At that point I realized, I was in charge of my emotions, my behaviour and I had better figure out how to deal with ME, or I was going to become an angry, bitter, old lady. 

It is WRONG that somebody else gets to "take over" the fruits of your labour!  It is just plain WRONG.  You have every right to feel angry, rejected, replaced, whatever you are feeling!  I know you know that and that there is no need to apologize for your feelings.  For yourself though, for your well being, watch that your pain and anger does not take over your "soul"! 

I know you would hate to live in darkness.

Hugs Stayed

[riverbirch]

What about once they are home? I'm sure there are stages then too. Stayed how was that for you in the beginning?

So mines been back since March/April. At first it was anxiety, some happiness,a lot of numbness. It's like holding your breath not wanting exhale. There's sadness because things aren't the same. Not that we want it all the same depending on the situation.  I know there's a bit of depression or numbness. He's just a shell of a human with very little happiness,or loving expressions still. I feel a little bit of anger. It's such a weird feeling I have right now. Like most of my emotions are stuck.

[HappierDaysAhead22]

RB,

Its important to remember that even though they come home or move into wanting to reconnect, they are still deeply in crisis and have 3 more stages to pass through. Depression, Withdrawal and finally acceptance (which in that stage has 3 mini stages). During this time the LBS continues their journey and moving through the stages ourselves will continue (including bouncing back and forth including anger).

While MLCer are navigating the 3 final stages they will be in deep turmoil as they continue to battle their demons and ward them off once and for all so I suspect that little happiness and even expressionless is very normal. Depression is debilitating but so so necessary in their journey. As I have read for some very wise people on this board, it is absolutely crucial for them to continue through the final stages of their crisis in order to be "reborn". If they do not the risk is very high that they will revert back to crisis mode years down the road. And that is the last thing any LBS can handle.

Continue to walk your journey, feel your feelings, use that gift of self awareness to identity what your feeling and why. I think when we feel numb it is a coping skill we use to protect ourselves which is not always a bad thing. But eventually we too must turn and face our emotions. Even if they aren't pretty and hurt like hell.

Sorry if I over stepped, I know I am no where near as wise as Stayed but I posting my thoughts and feelings helps me to process my thoughts.

I just entered reconnection (so far so good and hoping it sticks) so I know all the feelings you're feeling. Big giant hugs!

[riverbirch]

Any thoughts are helpful. I just wanted her thoughts on what she felt when she was reconnecting. Thank you for the three stage part. He's going through depression and withdrawal. That part I know.

Any thoughts here are good for all of us.

[HopeFaithLove]

Thank you ladies for your responses. It has been very helpful. I am reading, reading, reading to try to help myself become a better me. I haven't got to the point yet where I am doing it for me alone. I still constantly think of him and that if I change he will come back. But this forum is a godsend for me and I'm feeling stronger. I am reading a book right now called "The gifts of imperfection" by Brene' Brown. It is a book about accepting who you are instead of trying to be perfect for others. If anyone knows of any good helpful reading material please share! I am looking for things to help with self-growth. I understand about the MLC and all that. I want to read positive uplifting things to bring me up! Next I will read Ms. Brown's other book "I thought it was just me (but it isn't). Making the journey from 'what will people think' to 'I am enough'."

[stayed]

Your response was excellent HappierDays, far better them mine would have been.  Without a doubt my h returned uncooked.  He was also in depression, severe depression, withdrawal (along with some OW withdrawal), and acceptance was a long time coming. 

I didn't know about those last 3 stages though, which might have made that time a little easier for me.  The only thing I think I did right, was I did not back away from him.  I was never afraid to push.  I honestly felt that if he ran off again, SO BE IT!  When I returned, I regarded this as my last attempt at "salvaging" our marriage.  I definitely gave him more chances then my patience normally would have tolerated but, I really did want to be VERY SURE in my mind, that our marriage could not be SAVED!

I think knowing about these last 3 stages would have made that time a little easier for me.  I still would have pushed, I still would not have been his doormat, I still would not have been AFRAID to challenge him, but I would have at least understood what I was seeing.

The one thing that bothered me the most, was how SUSPICIOUS he was of me, after all HE HAD DONE and he was questioning if he could TRUST the changes he saw in me. 

Crazy making.   Without a doubt, it is the hardest thing I ever did.

Hugs Stayed

[riverbirch]

I can say I too am at the point if he goes,he goes. It would hurt alot,but going through some of the stuff he's been doing has pushed me to this point. Ow is gone but he can drive me bananas some days. Last night I put the bigger spoons in the small spoon spot in the silverware tray! Really? He has become a nit picker.

[MsT]

Where do confusion and ambivalence fit  ?