[june]

I am on my second holiday (if you count Halloween - which my husband and I always celebrated big), and I am scared. I am alone - friends all out of town, no kids of my own....Christmas looming and it will be another huge event spend alone....then New Years....ugh. I did try for two months to make plans for myself (tried inviting myself to everyone house), but unfortunately nothing panned out.

I'd love to hear:
1) how you weathered your early days without a spouse?
2) what you learned about yourself?
3) quotes that carried you through?
4) Things you did to cope that worked?
5) Well wishes, etc

[terrified_in_TN]

Hi June,

  I can't answer any of your questions, but I just HAD to respond to your thread.  Long story with me, but I will be alone this entire week.  This is the first holiday without my family.  I know your pain.  I am struggling ATM.

-T

[in it]

This will be my second Thanksgiving without my kids. 

I don't miss him one bit..all he ever did was criticize the dinner. He'd complain if you hung him with a new rope!

 I just got done crying over how much I will miss them ..again. I just tried to make the best of it the last couple of years..

I'm working Thanksgiving Day and it's a Godsend. I'm having dinner earlier in the day with an elderly aunt.

I think if I lived closer to a city I'd like to be a part of serving dinner to the homeless or people less fortunate than me.

Last year I tried to think passed it all...I looked forward to Christmas and do this year also.I focused on what I do have instead of what I don't..but I also got realistic about what I really didn't lose in a realtionship with the ex.

[Medusa]

Last year was my first. I asked him to leave on Thanksgiving. The turkey was about half cooked. But I couldn't take the lies and betrayal anymore. After he left, I cried and cried, and cried. And the. I drank excessively. I got through his birthday in early December, through Christmas and New Year. Not sure how...New Year I was with friends and had a ball.

I've learned to turn my thinking. Instead of focusing on what I don't have--such as an in tact family--I focus on what I do have. I have S20 living with me and causing no problems. I have a wonderful D22 and got to spend her birthday with her. I have many, many new friends who really care. I am happier and healthier than I have been in a long time.

Last Christmas for me looked to be a difficult one. It was just S and me because D was coming home the next day. No presents were opened. But I cooked our traditional meals. I binged on some BBC costume drama. It was hard not to focus on him spending the holiday with OW, but I kept myself distracted and told myself 6496 times it is just another day.

This year, I am spending Thanksgiving with a dear friend from this board. Christmas will be similar to last year, but that's okay. New Year--no clue yet, but I know I'm going to be out having fun.

Being alone is the hardest part in the beginning, but as you continue to heal, you do become comfortable being alone. Distract yourself however you have to. Make yourself new traditions.

[Searching4Answers]

Interesting - I hadn't really thought about it. Next month will be 2 years post BD and my H has not spent a holiday with OW yet. The last 2 years H still invited me to the family gatherings but I don't think that will be the case this year. I don't think that H will bring OW around the family but he may spend the holiday with her family.

[patience.of.a.saint]

Last year, mine asked me to spend Thansgiving and Christmas with him so we did my parents' place for Thanksgiving and both parents' parties and Christmas Eve at home with him. This year, he is stopping to pick up his license plate stickers from me on his way to his parents' house and then I had helped him get football tickets for the Friday after so he and his son could go to a game together. He had said he told his mom he'd be leaving after dinner was over so they could get there Thursday not too late...so OW is not going to Thanksgiving.

I will be curious how Christmas goes, as he told me to buy gifts for the kids last spring. He always spent a lot on them and never wanted any of the credit for them. He'd say his gifts were from me. He got me a very expensive swingy outdoor chair last year and gave her a sweatshirt. lol He was SO excited about my gift last year...was so weird...and then the day after Christmas he told me he had to focus on him & OW now. I shipped his gift back to Amazon and used the credit to buy me an iPhone.    BEST gift ever, honey!! lol

Not sure how he will do his shopping this year. I currently have his credit card, to "keep him from being stupid." His words. If he asks for the number or wants the card, I quit being his bookkeeper so I know he won't ask. Guess I won't worry about it. I do plan to get the gifts he told me to buy the kids. He told me to do it...I had to wait until he had room on the card. They will get some nice Santa gifts.

I think what will make me the saddest is hanging the stockings. The stockings were his idea because they had them when they were kids and we never did. We would have a date night and go buy the stocking stuffers together and he always found the funnest stuff for everyone. They were his thing...the only thing he liked about Christmas, I think.

[Adia]

This will be my third holiday season without my h.
The first Thanksgiving and Christmas I tried to keep everything as normal as possible for my sons, cooked the big meal and everything. It was the saddest time for me as h had moved out (ran away) that past August and I was definitely not well adjusted... Previously, we always hosted anyone who had no where to go or be with and it was very disheartening sitting at the table, just my sons and me. We did it again on Christmas Eve but decided to do things differently and I changed up our normal traditions as much as I could.

Last year, my second set of holidays alone, I went to a friends house for Thanksgiving and spent Christmas with my sons. This is the third year of being without my h for the holidays and I don't really have any spirit to do anything, honestly. I don't want to cook and I am not sure if I will even attempt putting a tree up this year. Bah humbug. Lol.

[Darth Obo]

Interesting post; hadn't really thought about it that much! This is my first Holiday season without the family (I had D11 for Halloween)!

In accordance with our decree, she has D11 this year (even years) and it's her weekend so she has D11 for the 4 day weekend. I'm going tonight to spend time with D11. Tomorrow I will come in early, approve time cards, make sure facility shut down procedures are in order......then I am off on a 10 hour drive to spend Thanksgiving with girlfriend & meet the parents/family for the first time.

Christmas, I get D11 from 12:00pm Christmas Day until 12:00 pm on December 1st. Next year it rotates. I'll be on vacation both weeks; not sure what I will do exactly but I do know I am not spending it all cooped up in the apartment. S21 will be back for holidays for a month and we have already discussed spending some time together and having a couple of "Guys Night Out" events! Otherwise, Probably catch some movies, do some skating, maybe some bowling....or just hang out downtown! Lot's of stuff around here to stay busy. When at home, probably practice guitar a lot, make some jewelry....maybe build another cigar box guitar.

Once I drop D11 off at noon on New Years day, I am headed to meet girlfriend in Chattanooga for 4 days!

About sums it up; and then back to the grind...............


DO

[Ready2Transform]

This is #4 since BD for me!  That seems crazy (as if this whole thing isn't crazy)!  First year I was grasping straws and even though he'd moved out, we had Thanksgiving together at his parents' house where he lived.  Mistake!  Was horribly uncomfortable, and three days later was BD2 when I confirmed their affair.  Bad year.  By Christmas, he was a clinger, and he came over for awhile on Christmas Eve.  WEIRD.

For #2, my dad and I had non-traditional festivities both holidays.  Fry bread tacos for Thanksgiving, then I stayed up all night compiling a ream of discovery for my lawyer the next day! LOL  MLC traditions.  I think I propped the Christmas tree topper up on the fireplace as my decor.  No sign of Vanisher.

For #3 last year it was back to more traditional times.  Definitely felt like putting a tree up, so I got a smaller one that wasn't as big of a hassle for just one person.  Definitely cooked more goodies and watch more movies during the whole season, and in general felt more normal.

This year I hardly even think about what I would do if Hoss was here.  Several of our pets have passed away during this time, and a couple are older with their own special needs, so already the "family" feels altered from our old traditions enough that it wouldn't be the same as it was anyway.  One thing I've brought back this year though that I haven't done since maybe 2010 is that I'll be making one of Hoss' favorite dishes for Thanksgiving that it triggered me too much to make these MLC years.  My dad requested it, so it's like - why not?  It's time to take back from MLC things that I loved doing. 

I think that's really the key.  I remember after my dad got divorced both times, the traditions had to shift at the holidays.  We kept what was fun, and got rid of what wasn't.  If you feel like there's too much alone time, make yourself go somewhere, or watch a movie/read a book/take a hot bath - whatever can pamper YOU the most, because this IS weird for awhile until it's not. 

[june]

I am loving the multi-year journey reflection here.