[june]

Reconciliation according to David D. Witt, PhD:
50% of those who initiate separation will return to the marriage for some time - on again/off again type relationships. 90% will reconcile after filing papers.
http://www3.uakron.edu/witt/flsp/note18.htm

The stat should give us all hope. You can't be in reconcile if you are not trying, and many people just throw in the towel when a partner bails. We have increased the opportunity for reconciliation because we are in a extraordinary committed sub-group.

[Thirsty Duck]

So, if we were to glean information from the statistics could we hypothesize that the longer it goes the less chance of a return?  It's 3.5 years for me and XW has never mentioned a return even once.

Only 6 months behind you Thundarr. Never a mention of return here either. In fact, she just advised me that she is filing for divorce. 

Her loss in the end.

[xyzcf]

For those who reunite (21%), the average separation length is 2 years. The 3 year mark is statistically the point of no return, where only outcomes observed were continued separation and divorce.

My opinion about this is that there are very few LBSers who are willing to wait longer than three years.

As well, these stats are not specific to MLC so they might not matter at all anyway.

I worked as a research nurse for several years and frankly was quite amazed at how the "stats" could be fudged to make them sound the way the doctor I worked for wanting them to be (because he wanted grant funding) And this was in a double blind clinical trial where you could measure the outcomes.

There are too many variable to even attempt any kind of empirical research on the number of people who reconcile and we cannot even state for sure that someone is having a MLC. There is no diagnostic test. Most data is anecdotal and all that I have read states that most MLCers will want at some point to return but often the LBSer has moved on.

If you are trying to win a race with MLC, or you have a specific time frame in mind that you are willing to wait for their crisis to end, you will never know unless you wait and see whether they return or not and even then you may not want them.

IANTE stated:

I'm not sure how representative this sample is because people come and go, some with spouses who have returned may not update, and others may create an account then not return to the site

I think it is VERY likely that many people have reconciled and have not returned to the site. Why would people want to remind themselves of this very difficult time of life, rather focus on their reconciled relationship and move on to other things.

[Hmmm]

I imagined the opposite...that the unreconciled would leave and the others would come back and tell us about reconciliation.

The stats here sound very optimistic. Surely we would all know a few returners locally if so many remarry etc. Instead, most of us probably know a dozen divorcees.

Stats or no stats. I've read about so many men similar to my H that come back that I'm prepared to wait it out until I stop loving him and enjoying his company
Xx

[Slow Fade]

I agree with XYZCF.

I think it is VERY likely that many people have reconciled and have not returned to the site. Why would people want to remind themselves of this very difficult time of life, rather focus on their reconciled relationship and move on to other things.

I think my H and I are at the very beginning of reconnection and I can tell you that it is exhausting and time consuming mentally. It has been very hard for me to read and comment like I used to because I'm spending a LOT of time with H these days; it is very painful to revisit that raw emotion when you are trying to forget how it felt so you can forgive and accept the broken person that seems to want to come home........

[Howmanytimes]

Hi slow fade

I agree about wanting to forget.  My H left the first time in June 2013 and I did not come back as I just wanted to put it from my mind like it had been a bad nightmare.  I did inform everyone that he had come home though but I didn't post anymore.

I feel guilty that I did not continue to post because I should have done so as the site saved my sanity and helped me through a month of hell.  I should have been helping others on here. I'm sorry I did not do that.

[Jackolar12]

Hi everyone,
Thank you for your comments it would seem we need to get more hard statistics about Mlc return/ possible return statistics to give us all hope for the future years. I hope we can find on the forum academics that can make this possible.
Kind regards
Jackolar12

[Jackolar12]

So, if we were to glean information from the statistics could we hypothesize that the longer it goes the less chance of a return?  It's 3.5 years for me and XW has never mentioned a return even once.

we would also have to create a null a hypothesis to this Thundar and prove it wrong first and reject it.

[Jackolar12]

RCR has written a bit about her view on statistics.  There are several pages throughout the articles and blog about it, but here are a few references
:

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/stand_how-do-you-stand.html

I don't know the statistics regarding returns--there may not be any and if there are I would be skeptical as to their accuracies, since coulds, what-ifs and maybes cannot be measured with accuracy, and since statistics may not include the different strategies as data points relating to success. Possibilities are not probabilities; it is possible to Stand alone and achieve reconciliation. But I also feel it is important that at the point of true return it is no longer a solitary job; there needs to be a point where both spouses work together in partnership to rebuild their marriage.

http://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/standing-and-divorce/hope-expectations-probability-part-i/

In my early days I spread the 80% statistic. I heard from a chat leader at Jim Conway’s chat that Jim said 80% of MLCers will return—or will want to return. I was unable to clarify whether it meant 80% of marriages recovered or that 80% of the MLCers wanted to reconcile—even though some spouses refused. Finally I asked Jim about that statistic and he said it was not something that came from him and he did not know where it came from. Basically it was a statistic without a source and likely was a bit of anecdotal wishful thinking. I would love for that statistic to be true—or even a higher rate. But not only do I have no evidence to support it, I no longer think it is close to the reality. Why? Standing is hard and as I said already, many of you will come to a place where you feel strong and you feel ready to stop Standing. And if the statistic is about how many MLCers want to reconcile—how was that sort of data gathered? Often those with regrets do not verbalize them and they may not even acknowledge them to themselves for many years. MLC lasts 2-7 years, but some may not admit regrets until years after that after they are experiencing the full consequences of divorce on themselves and their children.

Some people around here say "most will come out of MLC and return" and some say "few ever come out of MLC and want to return" and I think we simply pick the one that most fits our viewpoint.  I don't think there are any hard figures on what the true statistics are for the forum alone, and it would be near impossible to gather, given that a lot of people have left the forum without any of us knowing if they just gave up standing or reconciled and no longer needed the support. 

Plus, even though there are so many factors we all have in common, the uniqueness of our relationships and the underlying cause of the crisis I think plays a much larger role than what we as a collective could predict.  It's like the flu - people may catch the virus through different means, some people recover quickly, and others develop more serious problems.  It's not the statistical analysis of the flu itself that predicts who will be the more serious cases, but the immune system of the individuals and how effective their chosen treatment methods are.  So even if we did have facts and figures - would it really predict if OUR spouse would be one of the "return" cases?  Probably not.  Only their choices and how they personally work through this crisis will be a deciding factor.

no wonder doctors and psychiatrists don't take Mlc seriously with ought hard empirical facts. It's up to us to push this forward who else will? RTT.

[Jackolar12]

"3 years is the point of no return" and "most will turn back to the spouse after two years or after their third significant R breaks down" is certainly not what I wanted to hear today.  Ugh!

what doesn't kill you makes you stronger brother.