[Glimmer]

Hi everyone

I don't post here very often these days. I'm five years into this with my H stuck somewhere in the tunnel. 

However, a thought keeps running through my head recently about something HB said a long time ago. She wrote about the MLCer having to believe the marriage is truly over before they hit rock bottom and begin to move through the tunnel. So how do we do this?

My H is no longer the centre of my universe and I am getting on with my life, but unlike other people I know whose marriages have failed I am the only one who hasn't moved on to another relationship.   Friends and work colleagues have all met someone else in less than half the time I have been 'standing'.

So my question is:  In the eyes of our MLCers do they believe that we are still 'waiting' for them because we have not met anyone else, and do they feel pressurised that we still expect them to get this out of their system and then come home.

What do you think?

[TopsyTurvy]

I don't know the answer but have wondered the same.

Sometimes getting a new relationship makes them see what they're about to lose but every situation is different and I guess its about timing.  I know if I had got a new relationship in the first year H would have been happy that I was moving on, thus relieving his guilt. Heck he still might think that.

How many are fearful of a new relationship in case it prevents our partners from returning?  I guess if that is the case you are not GAL and are stuck ....just as I have been.  Although now I have got to a place where I am happy being on my own, no desire for a new relationship or for H to return, how can he know that I feel that way, we don't speak...so it doesn't help him hit rock bottom...he'll just have to get there when he is good and ready.

[Kat0465]

Good question glimmer,
If that's what it takes for them to hit rock bottom,they may never. Especially if they know we are standing, and they know we would take them back.

My wayward husband dose not want to finish the divorce. I filed in october 2013 we had 2 temporary hearings 4 months apart. At both, he would never do his paperwork, inventory list or basically anything. This December, I stopped the divorce, and continue to stand.we never even bring it up, he comes over at least once a month. Stays for a bit. And goes back to his rented cabin, 7 minutes from the house he continues to pay for.

Kept telling me he didn't ask me for a divorce. And he didn't, he asked me to live with him while he ran off ever chance he got with OW.

And he would still be living here, but I made him leave dec 2013,I couldn't take the mental abuse anymore.

So, I have the same question you do. If they an pretty much go on about thier business of cheating, lying, and all the other crap that goes with MLC, and they know we're standing, being the lighthouse, being what they want us to be. Where and when does the crazy train stop?!!
Husband,in my opinion is " stuck like chuck" slap in the middle of the tunnel. I see no movement out.

If filing a divorce, and 2 trips to court didn't scare him I don't know what will. I guess they don't even look at that as reality either.

As 2014 draws to a close, my hope is fading as well. 

[MeNow]

To answer the question, who knows? For me, if it comes down to meeting someone new, standing will be over and will no longer matter.

[ruggedendurance]

Glimmer,

IMO.    It doesn't matter what we as LBS'ers do.     What spurs one MLCer into action will have no affect on the next......

If the MLCer isn't ready to make some kind of decision on reconnecting?     It wouldn't matter if we set our hair on fire at the town square..........   Nothing we do will get a positive, human reaction out of them.

As far as getting into another relationship?    I can't imagine myself in a committed relationship.   It would have to be topical and sexual to spark my interest.

Sad.    But true.

[Thunder]

I have no idea, but a good question.


I stand for my MLCer but if he finds a ow, I'd be done.

I know you're asking about the MLCer and YOU finding someone else but I can't answer that.  Some freak out and realize what they have done, other's are relieved and feel less guilty.

I would never try to find someone just to get a reaction from my X.  It can really backfire.

[LisaLives]

Keep repeating, this is NOT about you, and that's the problem.  IF something you do causes them to believe the M is truly over and you are no longer a backup, and it causes them to want to return to you, what are you getting?  A man who only looks at you as a prize?  Is that what YOU want?  Don't you want a man who loves YOU and would move heaven and earth to be with you?  IF finding someone new changes you, into a more vibrant person and he wants you then, you are still getting a man who was not willing to see your potential and grow with you, he only wants what is easy, he wants the prize. 

And that is the conundrum, when you turn away, you become the prize.  Men are hunters, and when you force him to hunt, he wants you more, but why should you want him?  I understand standing, and stand if you must, but don't sell yourself short.  Only take him back if he is willing to HUNT for a long time, with tenacity and resolve.  If you roll over and die at the first shot, he will be back to hunting again if his need is not met.  That is why you have to make this journey about you, about figuring out what YOU want.  And I think when you do that, you become a prize to lots of men, and when you find one who sees your amazing light and magnifies it, H looks a lot less appealing as the one who knew that light was there, but rejected it, because it scared him and made his seem smaller... 

Merry Xmas, your true gift is yourself.  Unwrap it and appreciate it in a way he never did, and then he will know, but so will the world and he will have to stand in line, and you will have to choose...  Love and light, ll

[Medusa]

LisaLives post is outstanding and oh so true.

Ask yourself if you really want to be a back-up plan. Early on, many of us believed in true love, happy endings and all of that--and we all just knew our spouse was going to wake up quickly.

The reality is some really are done. Some will never get through the tunnel. Some will and try to reconnect with various results.

The crisis is theirs. We need to learn to stop looking at what we can do to attract them, blah, blah, blah. There is nothing we can do except love for ourselves in the best way we know how. That is how we become the amazing person we become and find the people we are supposed to find. And I don't mean another intimidate relationship but new friends as well. I have been watching people I honestly thought were my friends slowly disappearing from my life, replaced by new people who are more suited to who I am now.

[in it]

Excellent post LisaLives! The less obtainable we seem the harder they persue  

 Uhmmm sorry guys I would like something more mature than that. We're prizes??

I gotta be the holy grail by now in regards to the ex.

And yep I have to WANT a man in my life..just because they show an interest doesn't mean I AM.

Sick and tired of the games...grow up!

[MeNow]

If we're talking in a general and very broad brushed way, men are hunters, especially the alphas. But they're a segment of the whole just as there are female hunters.