[UKStander]

I think - although I've no direct experience of it as it, so know nothing really - is that once they truly are remorseful and the fog of depression clears and, who knows, but the hormones probably balance themselves again also - they are desperate.  We can only guess at what it must feel like to have been in a place where there was no joy, only pleasure-seeking; no self-confidence, only bolstering on external things to make one's self appear temporarily OK; and utter confusion and despair because of what's been done.

They know what they've done, once the awakening occurs. I think that if, at that point, you still see them as selfish, messed up human beings and that's it, then don't bother to stand. They are going to need love, acceptance and, yes, help, to make the return.

This is such a core topic, and a really interesting one.  I think RCR's articles on Agape and forgiveness apply!  As someone famous once said, 'To understand all, is to forgive all.'

If you haven't yet reached a point of forgiveness yet, read, read, read - and learn. And then decide.

[MIMIx]

My thought is,  that my personal strength is part of the problem and not part of a solution.  I married Mr. Opposite.

I think that my personal strength is a trait that H DISLIKES in me. My strength reminds him of his weaknesses.  My happiness translates to his unhappiness.   When I have successes, he feels that he has failures.   I think this is why he left in the first place.  He finally buckled under the pressure of feeling unworthy.  Although I feel badly,  I don't think that I should give up my well adjusted ways of living, just to make him feel superior.  This is where Old Pilot's words rang so true...I didn't break it, I cannot fix it.

So, I'm thinking that being strong and together is leading the way for me only.  As far as leading the way for H, I just have to be a good listener and a supportive friend until he figures himself out.

Comments welcome because this is pretty crazy-making.

[UKStander]

That sounds right, MIMIx. I got the blame for being successful too. I think my strength and calmness became a negative. He wanted me to flare up in anger and fight him - it's not my way.

Nonetheless, it's important for the LBS to continue to get stronger in themselves, because then they can assess whether they want to take the reformed MLC-er back into their life and whether the r'ship will still work, and also so that the LBS has a life, outside of the MLC-er, whether or not the r'ship is restored.

Are you thinking more of Paving the Way - a different thing, I think - and more to do with the LBS-er (once they have recovered and are strong enough to decide, yes, I want this marriage and will work to restore it) being able to show forgiveness, love and more to the MLC-er.... As MeNow said, that's where being able to look them in the eye and not fear any response, not even Monster, comes in. 

The one grows out of the other, perhaps. Self-growth leads to the ability to pave the way.  Growing within yourself means you have love and patience to spare in order to hold out a hand to another, and be there for them through thick and thin.  Without sufficient self-growth, the LBS is still using too much energy to keep themselves afloat - and they may not be able to withstand the pressures that reconciliation will bring.   

[MIMIx]

UK,

I guess that's just it.  Perhaps I am confusing  Leading the Way and Paving the Way. 

But, if your spouse appears out of the blue, like many do, I would like to feel prepared in facing this situation.  LBSER'S have written about this situation and that you have to be prepared to lead the way.  Unfortunately, they did not elaborate on what they did, specifically, to lead the way.

[MIMIx]

I think you need to continue to try to mirror what he does. If he comes to you then you lead the way. But I wouldn't try to push the issue to lead the way. Does that make sense? This time is certainly more difficult on the LBS. Dig down to have as much patience as possible.  

At points along the path they peek their heads out of the tunnel and "test" you. These are the times that you need to lead the way. Depending on how you treat your MLC'er when they test you is how they know whether they are welcome or not

Here are statements about leading the way.  This is what I am unsure of at this time because there isn't any elaboration regarding leading the way.

[Searching4Answers]

Are these statements from a RCR article or someone's thread?

If it is an article it would be help if we have the name or link to the article.

[MIMIx]

These were comments from someone's thread.  I am trying to understand what they are saying.

I think there is a time when the mlcer will want to talk.  And this is when you must lead the way.  Perhaps stay in control, or like MeNow says, to look them in the eye and not be afraid.  Or, does it mean that you need to give them a push to keep them moving forward?    I'm just not sure. 

[Searching4Answers]

In that context I read as guiding the MLCer when they are open to it. For example, when they come to you and want to talk, listen to them and guide them in making good choices. Showing them that it is possible to fix the damage and encouraging them to do so. The thing that you don't want to do is tell them how to do things - they need to figure that out for themselves but you can gently nudge them.

Paving the way is before this. By paving the way you can hopefully get to this point in the process when they want to talk to you.

Did you ask the poster on that thread for clarification?

[MeNow]

I think it's different for men and women. Men like to lead and be respected, women I believe want to feel loved generally speaking. (Allowing) H to lead and showing respect makes him feel like a man.

Unfortunately, by the time our spouses get to the stage they're in, these things don't work until they settle down, which may take years. Showing consistency in this regard over time may pave the way. I know for me I had to lose the fear. I had to get myself on equal footing with W mentally and emotionally after having my confidence shattered. Females aren't attracted to weakness (generally speaking).

Even more so, I had to do it for me to feel like a man again.

[MIMIx]

Thanks, S4A.  I believe that you are right.  It's very clear now.

I am actually in the process of asking the poster.  Will hopefully  be back with an answer.  But, I think you have cleared it up for me.