[MIMIx]

Today is my day for some journaling.

I have slightly altered my thinking this week.  I am not as concerned about my H and what he is going through right now.  I don't worry about my future in terms of not being able to cope on my own.  I can.  Good feelings are returning and I am no longer dragging myself around.  Deep inside, the flame still flickers and I feel a lot of joy in my life regardless of our circumstances.  The final piece will be to feel financially free.  This I want for my future as I look towards retirement and following my passions.  I have a lot of interests.

I'm not sorry for my life.  I am feeling quite strong these days.  I truly have a GREAT life despite my H making me feel so disrupted these past few years.  I've held my head high, have nothing to regret, have become a softer and a better listener for others.  I have worked hard to not suffer or hold onto hate.  I like good things in my life and do not not make room for others who like to live on the dark side.

So, I feel pretty good.  I am a bit wobbly over my financial future as I still do not want to forfeit half of our assets.  We've worked so hard for these days and now it has all come to this.  But hey, onward and upward.  At least I have assets and not liabilities.

I sure hope these feelings last.  i think this is the first time that I can say that the month of February feels good.  I am looking forward to all the GREAT things that spring will bring...longer days, more sunshine, happier people.

[MIMIx]

So this morning I decided to finally check in to see what the MAN CAVE is all about. 
Although open to all, male and female, I choose to not post on this site.  For me,  it as an exclusive site for men to openly express themselves.  I appreciate areas where women can also express their thoughts freely, without male interjection. 

My heart is warmed to hear many men openly express, in their own way,  their caring for their families.  I respect that there are differences between men and women.  This is what I think makes a marriage so valuable.  This is how we complement each other.  My H is not a bad man.  He is a good man who has let his life go off the rails, had a major meltdown, and it will take him time to find his way back...if he does find his way back.  I am very unhappy that this has happened but am confident that he will be back to his old self one day, with or without me.

I also just want to say that I understand the concept STFU and its importance to men. It is often the last straw and I will admit that I sometimes feel the same way.   A person has to learn some self control and to pay attention to it.   

[cosette]

MM-
I agree that MLC has taught me to be a better person in so many ways.  I can relate to your post below:

I'm not sorry for my life.  I am feeling quite strong these days.  I truly have a GREAT life despite my H making me feel so disrupted these past few years.  I've held my head high, have nothing to regret, have become a softer and a better listener for others.  I have worked hard to not suffer or hold onto hate.  I like good things in my life and do not not make room for others who like to live on the dark side.

This may not be true but sometimes it feels like H is mad at me for growing and becoming a fun, happy person again.

[MyBrainIsBroken]

Last summer my wife seemed resentful of my ability to do pretty much whatever I decide I want to do. I know she doesn't feel she has that ability. I've wondered if the OM is attractive to her because she doesn't have to feel inferior when she's with him although I never did anything to make her feel inferior when she was with me. Her attitude took me by surprise because she had always seemed proud of me. And she did tell me after BD that I was always a good provider. And with the divorce laws in this state being what they are I will have the opportunity to continue to be a good provider even if she finalizes this divorce that she started.

[Neo]

My H is not a bad man.  He is a good man who has let his life go off the rails, had a major meltdown, and it will take him time to find his way back...if he does find his way back.  I am very unhappy that this has happened but am confident that he will be back to his old self one day, with or without me.

MIMIX,

This is what helps me to keep all of this in perspective. I have to remind myself of this daily. My wife is not a bad person, she has went off the path that we were both walking, onto her own path, for the moment. This is also a clear reminder to me, that we are all on our own separate paths of life, yet we mourn the loss of our travelling companion, our spouse, because they deviated onto a very treacherous path, filled with danger and potential destruction. A path that we look down and find very frightening and would not knowingly traverse, yet they seemed to have went willingly.

Yet, we know something is terribly wrong with our spouses for them to have chosen such a dangerous way. The way they have been altered into a person we don't recognize, someone who has turned against us in everyway. We know this isn't who they truly are, we know the true person and long for that person to reveal themselves to us, alas, they have been taken captive by the person who now controls them, their Shadow. The person they have hidden from us, the person they have repressed all of their lives. This person has escaped the repression to reign down destruction everyway imaginable and cause such unthinkable pain and suffering onto us, that there are days we don't feel like we can go on.

We hold onto hope, which lights our way, that our wayward spouse will return to us. The person that we have always known. The person, we know would never hurt us. The person, who loves us, deeply and passionately. But, we find ourselves having to continue on our journey, alone, yet, holding out hope, that they will return, not only in body, but in mind, heart and soul, renewed and ready to love us in a greater way than we could ever imagine.   

[MyBrainIsBroken]

I couldn't have written what Neo did but I completely agree with it. This is why I continue to look at photos and videos of my wife. Because I don't want to forget the person she was and let my distaste for the person she has become cause me to miss out when/if she becomes a better version of the person she used to be.

[MIMIx]

Today, I feel like posting a song.
 
It is not a sexist thing.  Just some encouragement and truths for my forum sisters.

Its an oldie but a goodie:

https://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=Gpu_PV3BTfI

[MsT]

My thought is,  that my personal strength is part of the problem and not part of a solution.  I married Mr. Opposite.

I think that my personal strength is a trait that H DISLIKES in me. My strength reminds him of his weaknesses.  My happiness translates to his unhappiness.   When I have successes, he feels that he has failures.   I think this is why he left in the first place.  He finally buckled under the pressure of feeling unworthy.  Although I feel badly,  I don't think that I should give up my well adjusted ways of living, just to make him feel superior.  This is where Old Pilot's words rang so true...I didn't break it, I cannot fix it.

So, I'm thinking that being strong and together is leading the way for me only.  As far as leading the way for H, I just have to be a good listener and a supportive friend until he figures himself out.

Comments welcome because this is pretty crazy-making.

I hope you don't mind me touching on this even though the thread has moved on from it in the last few days. but I think it's like this for us, too.
My d(13)actually mentioned it to me the other day when I was under the sink replacing the garbage disposal. She actually said she wondered if Dad found it difficult to live with someone who was so good at doing everything. (I'm not, btw, just patient, determined, and too cheap to hire a plumber), and I told her not to think to hard about mine and Dad's R because grown-up R are more complicated and messy than she can possibly imagine and that he's just messed up right now, but still loves her and will get better eventually.
So he goes looking for a younger, weaker, less capable woman to make him feel like a man, is it my failing? I don't think it would have made a difference, if I were weaker he would've faulted me for being too weak, I imagine. I didn't break it, I cannot fix it.
I also think that part of the reason we got together in the first place and had such a strong relationship was due in part to that very same strength providing a grounding influence to his emotional ebb and flow.
Anyway, it's a good thing I am so capable, because I will be doing all the things all alone now indefinitely, from what I can tell.

[Neo]

MsT,

Wow!! Nice that you are able to change out your garbage disposal by yourself!! I am sure you will discover that you have many hidden talents that you are fully capable of doing.

Many LBSer's ask that same question, were we too strong and able to handle anything that was thrown at us, which made the MLCer feel less worthy? That is not for us to worry about. That shows that the MLCer had a self-esteem issue, which caused them to feel inferior to us or think that we had more capabilities than they did. Another factor is that they have been depressed, for awhile, which has caused their loss of identity and their self-esteem to tank. Their loss of self-esteem and depression is exactly what has lead them to seek out someone inferior to them. so that they can get a self-esteem boost and a quick hit of adrenaline, which causes their depression to subside.......temporarily.

I like what you said, "you didn't break it and you can't fix it." Absolutely correct, none of us broke our MLCer's, they were already broken, but hid it very well from everyone. We didn't cause this in them and we can't fix it, they have to.

[MIMIx]

Way to go MsT installing the new garbage disposal!  I have also tried my hand a few things and discovered that I'm pretty handy too!

I just want to say that life is looking really good from my perspective.  TIME is the key...FOR SURE.  At least it is in my case.  I feel that the tables have turned for me.  My happiness is definitely back after having gone missing for quite a while.  The key to this was FOCUSSING ON MYSELF AND MY OWN HAPPINESS.  Doing things, trying new things, being with my kids and friends, KEEPING QUIET around my H and just leaving him be.  I am now very sure that he had some deep cravings for greener grass...bored with his current life...selfishly wondering what it would be like to be free from marriage.  I know that he is now finding out that the grass is not greener.  I AM QUITE SURE OF THIS.  He is now trying hard to be back in the family, keeping in touch daily, doing nice things for all of us.  We continue to just LEAVE HIM BE.  We continue to include him, we answer all his calls, we treat him nicely, he is pretty much with us daily...but we are all quite DETACHED.  If he goes, I will not be so affected.  NOPE!

On the other side, I may have it wrong and he may think this is the new reality...a nice family and freedom too.  Time will tell. But it feels as if he is now realizing that other people lives are very different than he had expected.  I think he is now realizing that he likes the way his family operates.  I may be totally wrong but I think I see a big change happening here.  And if not, I am at the point where I am okay with any outcome.  Life has once more become very exciting for me, and I look forward to my future.

It feels very, very good to not harbour anger or hate.  My H has not been as despicable as some but he has said and done some very hurtful things.  I could easily have carried these awful feelings with me.  But, I don't.  I just don't.  It's not worth it.

TIME IS KEY.  LAY LOW AND KEEP QUIET.  NO ARGUING.  NO ANGER.  GET ON WITH YOUR OWN LIFE AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

 I Just want to share my approach and that I feel it has a good outcome no matter which way it goes.