[UnconditionalLove]

Wait, I might have learned something new. Are you saying that Liminality is part of replay, within replay? I guess I was looking at it as a stage not so much a stage within a stage.

[MyBrainIsBroken]

A midlife transition is a bridge between a life of accommodation and a life of individuation. During accommodation the individual behaves the way they feel others expect them to behave. After the transition they enter the phase of individuation where they are more self aware and are able to live their life based on their true self.

The midlife transition consists of three parts; separation, liminality, and rebirth and reintegration. Liminality means transition and is the period when they look inside and face their shadow. The shadow contains a lot of negative traits such as jealousy and selfishness but can also contain positive traits that have been repressed, such as assertiveness. It's typically a time of deep, introspective depression as they attempt to integrate parts of their shadow with their existing self to form their true self. This is when they may identify and explore new interests such as dance, painting, or playing a musical instrument. Separation is a short period of preparation before liminality where the persona they have shown to the world begins to fracture. Rebirth and reintegration is the period following liminality during which the new persona is built from the true self that was identified during liminality.

A midlife crisis is an abnormal deviation from the midlife transition. The individual who goes through a crisis resists liminality and instead tries to escape and avoid the work necessary to find their true self because they resist facing their shadow and liminal depression, so they regress and engage in Replay behaviors.

Depression underlies the midlife transition/crisis and Replay behaviors are used to try to self-medicate and avoid liminal depression. The MLCer enters liminality when the Replay behaviors no longer work for them and they hit rock bottom. It's a period of hopelessness when they realize they aren't finding the happiness they've been chasing and in fact have probably made things worse. They may cycle back and forth between Replay and Liminality as they work on and resolve individual internal issues.

[TopsyTurvy]

It is important to understand that what you see may not be what others are seeing. You are seeing the act he wants you to see and others are seeing a different act. Few if any are seeing him Be.

Source: http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc_overview_liminality_when-is-liminality.html

I have thought this for a while about my H, but then again only me and SD25 see this, everyone else thinks he's just moved on.  If you try to explain it to an outsider they just look at you with disbelief.

My SIL says 'he thinks he's happy' and that's not him saying he's thinks he's happy - it's her perception of what she sees because she can't get her head around it all.

I did ask him about 6 months ago if he was happy and had made the right decision in leaving me, I got the 'I don't know' and 'every relationship has it's problems'

I think he is happy at work and when he's busy, which is why he always does everything for everyone else (except SD25) I think he portrays happiness to everyone he sees that knows me (otherwise he's going to look a fool for leaving me and not being happy)....I know that the few people that knew both of us, know he's just not right.  I think its feeling pleasure but not actual happiness ...(I read that on another thread somewhere)

I try not to think of H happy or not happy...it doesn't really do me much good thinking about him at all.  After 3 months NC (his choice) - he knows where to find me physically....whether he'll ever get me emotionally again is a 'wait and see.... if the time ever comes'

[blackice]

Mine pretends to be happy. He has told me he isn't happy, he looks like he isn't happy, he sounds awful. Says the only time he can be himself is when he's with me and the kids. He waffles back and forth about coming home all the time. He's miserable and he knows I can see through his crap so he's stopped trying to lie to me, which is interesting. He's a horrible liar anyway.

[Howmanytimes]

Hi Thunder

Hmt,

Unfortunately. the "love" he feels for her right now is not love.  It is an addicting kind of lust...and men think this is love...it's not.

I think eventually he will see that, but it will take awhile.  It's a very strong attraction for them.
His love for you is real love.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. 

Thank you for Thunder. Unfortunately I do not know if that is true with my H case.  You see he has known her for 12 years and has been in an affair for a straight six years where he saw her and spent every weekend and Easter and two weeks vacation for six years and then once I found out about the affair in Oct 2012 he has seen her periodically behind my back and has now lived with her for three months.  I suppose it is the length of their affair that makes me loose hope and believe it could be real love.  I do know she is a very manipulative and selfish Woman and he is stubborn with old fashioned views of Women so it is quite possible now that they are actually living together full time that the fairy dust could disappear from their eyes.

I've been feeling very low today and yet on the whole I have been a lot better.  I suppose we have to get used to this cycling.

Take care

HMT

[UnconditionalLove]

HMt, I think the key here is...He moved into with her 3 months ago.  Everything else was a fantasy relationship and gave him a high.  He could keep that going for a long time. But, now that they are living a normal reality life and if he is still in some sort of replay this could all change.

[Yoyolove]

I'm not sure I would want to ask if my X is happy. I don't believe so based on all I have seen and the few complaints I've gotten about tired or sick. Sure X would claim happiness with OW, since it's long distance, keeps the fantasy alive. I don't want to know truly.

[UnconditionalLove]

Totally know where you are coming from Yoylove!

I went I started this thread it was more about our thinking.  Do we post on the board our feelings of our H's being unhappy because we are wishing for that hoping they are getting through the tunnel or maybe their relationship is fizzling out, etc.  I don't think if I asked my H if he was happy he would say.  He hasn't said much of anything to me about anything else  so he wouldn't share that either. 

We can look at our H's and see in their eyes where they are.  Things they do or say and the way they look tells us a story.

[Blindsided13]

UL my H is the same way, he hasn't said much about anything, actually it took a year for him to admit to OW. I had to push that, although he still lied about it. Shortly after BD he looked awful, lost a lot weight, look exhausted, I know that was stress, I think guilt kicked in for a brief second. Now, he looks healthy, vibrant, maybe he is happy, I do know the guilt is still there, he can not look me in the eye. If he is happy I am not at a place where I want to hear of it. Neither do our kids. NC and detachment are the only way to get over this, for me at least.

[MyBrainIsBroken]

D34 posted today on Facebook.

D34: Tired, just so very tired. And not the sleepy kind.

Wife: Me too. At the point that I want to just give up.

What do you think? My wife told me 6 months ago that the OM made her happy. Do you think she's still happy?