[terrified_in_TN]

Since in it noticed no men posting in this thread I will throw my 2 cents in.  I doubt its going to help though.

Back in 2009 when I had my own little crisis and had the short lived one sided EA, my wife found out and she was extremely hurt.  I had guilt, and I honestly was remorseful.  I was sorry that I did it except for one thing:  It showed me what I really had, and what was most important in life.

As far as demonstrating that remorse to my wife-I honestly do not think I ever did.  Lots of words were said, but I did not do much in action to SHOW how remorseful I was.  The truth is-I did NOT KNOW HOW.  Again, this is just me, and other guys may be different, so take my reason with a grain of salt.

It was at that very point that I backed away to give wife space and time to heal, because I didn't know how otherwise.  In time that backing away turned to neglect, and at the same time I guess I turned into a low energy wallower, and didn't realize it.  That was the catalyst for my wife's MLC.

-T

[MIMIx]

Your two cents sounds right on , Terrified.  I am quite sure that my partner has no idea how to get out of the mess he has gotten into.  He is starting to turn back toward me.  I Am pretty sure I will not hear remorse in words...only action.  However, I think women need to hear it in words because it shows a breaking down in ego and that it is finally all out in the open and not locked away for later.

[LisaLives]

I also think you have to give a LOT of thought to whether you are capable of forgiving what he did.  Long serious thought.  If you are looking for something he will never attain, you need to admit it to yourself, otherwise R is not possible.  If every time he jumps through one hoop, you find another one, and will never be satisfied, you need to admit that, to him and to yourself. 

Frankly, that's how I knew I could never stand.  I was not born with a forgiveness bone for betrayal.  There are many things I could forgive.  I could forgive the affair, the treatment of me, all of it, up until he made me hire an attorney and fight him for MY kids... That he wanted THAT woman to raise my kids was unforgiveable to me.  There are hoops he could jump through to make it happen, but I know him and I know he would never do it, so standing was never an option for me, I am just not wired that way.  As hard and sad as it has been, in some ways, it is freeing, also.  We ALL have limits, and learning yours is important, for both of you, or you will be locked in a power struggle forever, and this is not a healthy place to be. 

So, it is just my two cents, but this your opportunity to dig deep within and learn who you really are and what you can live with, or without, as the case may be.  Good luck, love and light, ll

[Slow Fade]

My Husband did have this done to him; his first wife cheated on him so he knows how it feels. He kicked her to the curb and divorced her as quickly as he could. I've often asked him why he thinks I shouldn't do the same to him.....he has no answer.

As far as having to learn how to show remorse and emotion I would agree that this describes my H as well. He was always stoic, controlled, non-reactive. I thought it was strength. Little did I know the flip side to that coin, that it was a dysfunctional and avoidant way to deal with issues. I see that with both situations, his first wife and then our challenges, he chose to run as opposed to digging in and doing the hard work. Starting over was easier in his book than being vulnerable and dealing with his emotions.

Remorse? Have I seen it? I don't know......perhaps through actions and not words. I really need to look at the big picture. I'm extremely verbal and he isn't so maybe I'm looking for the wrong thing. I need to consider his actions. He has taken quite the verbal punishment from me and keeps coming back.....doing things around the house.....being helpful when he can.

this your opportunity to dig deep within and learn who you really are and what you can live with, or without, as the case may be.

This is probably the biggest truth when it comes to standing and reconciliation. Its messy, painful and not what you expect. Dig deep and find out what is really important for your own sanity. Is my H remorseful? I don't know, but he's trying to make things right in his own way. Is it enough for me? Time will tell.....

[Dji76]

The more appropriate question may be "how do people show guilt or remorse?" Not sure what gender has to do with it... Obviously more than a "opps, my bad" is in order based on what our spouses have done. What we are all advised when standinig, prior to reconnection, is to measure their actions more than their words. The fact your husband is in counseling and working on your relationship says to me he recognizes he needs to change. As a man, I have no problem admitting when I am wrong and apologizing when needed. My advice would be if there is something specific you want or need from someone to believe they are remourseful than ask. Its ok to ask to have your needs met. If they refuse or can not meet your needs you should reconsider the relationship. Why are you in a relationship with someone who does not want to or can not meet your needs?

[in it]

The way I felt about it in that realtionship was:

 If he couldn't think of it himself ..then me telling him what I needed to hear pretty much cancelled it out. I wasn't expecting him to be a mind reader..just some sort of indication that he was a human being,

If the Ex had said once " I will do anything to make this work" That would have opened the door to a lot of options. But since the problem was always me...that didn't happen.

And in hindsight that relationship didn't meet my needs on just about every level. So I am much better off without him.

[Thunder]

Slow Fade,  My X is the same. 
I highly doubt I would ever hear a lot of words coming out of his mouth, a far as remorse, it would be more in his actions.

[barbiedoll]

If guilt and remorse can be portrayed in actions... he is a 10 out of 10. What am I looking for ? I just do not know. I believe I have been depending on something he would finally "say" that would make my anxiety just go away, the triggers stop, my imagination to shut down. I think that is the wrong place to look. It is something inside of me that continues to relive the shock .. it seems beyond my control, it will not stop.I do need to dig deeper, i know there is something in me that i have not been able to identify. Infidelity is hard.. it changes a person. I have printed this post, will spend more time reading it. I was told by the counsellor , some people are still learning to show thier emotions, to find the right words etc. He does not know how just yet. .. in words i guess. I guess i interpret that ( at times) as not having remorse. It is very confusing to me. I am finally off work. I have fought going off for nearly 2 years.. but i have to now. It is time for me to address whatever is inside .. that will not let me rest, forgive, trust or find a new road. Please be patient with me... you people are my lifeline.. even if i am "stuck". Thank you all so much .

[Songanddance]

What am I looking for ?

It's what you are looking at that is one of your issues here. You are still very much focussed on him and what he is doing and also not doing.

I think that is the wrong place to look.

You are correct - you do need to dig deeper and this is because he was an "early returner" and you had not had the " gift of time" to find yourself. You were still in shock with the whole trauma of BD etc..

Perhaps you are looking for a sense of what was rather than what is and can be.

Your H has returned  - check
you accredit him with genuine remorse and actions to back it up. - check
you are aware that you have triggers - check
You are seeing a counsellor - check
You are beginning to understand that you have to find you - check

Now look at these statements...
You are confident that you can heal - ummm?
You are prepared to stop seeking what was - ummm?
You are prepared to accept what happened - ummm?
You are prepared to accept what can be - ummm?

You will find peace and forgiveness both for yourself and your H - but like the MLC - trust the process and let go of your own agonies.

[in it]

In my case? I knew he knew he had made a mistake but getting him to be ACCOUNTABLE was like living in fantasyland.."Oh we'll just put our rings back on and pretend it didn't happen" ARE YOU $h!teTING ME?

I've even heard from a friend he had almost 2 years later he admitted it to him.

Now what has happened can not be forgiven. I don't end up getting exrays for ANYBODY.