Author Topic: My Story Rebuilding It's been exactly 1 year since he said he wanted to come home  (Read 6337 times)

Offline HappierDaysAhead22Topic starterTopic starter

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My Story Rebuilding It's been exactly 1 year since he said he wanted to come home
« on: January 27, 2015, 11:51:13 AM »
I felt that since ****I THINK*** we are heading into a new part of our MLC journey and I am over 100 posts starting a new thread was in order.

*** POSSIBLE RECONNECTION??

History:
BD 02/05/14 ILYBNILWY bomb. I was 6 months pregnant with our 2nd daughter. At this time he completely check out and since had not gotten an oz of emotional or physical affection. In retrospect I think this MLC started with the birth of our first daughter who was born March 2012. Looking back he was not the same. I suffered from severe Postpartum depression and anxiety with our first so I was in no shape to notice anything going on with H.

02/14-10/14: we lived in the same home. Lots of tension, our 2nd daughter arrived nothing changed. I suspected an EA that I had evidence started well before summer 2013 but he denied and said it was just a lesbian friend asking for advice about her girlfriend (SHOULD HAVE TRUSTED MY INTUITION THEN).

11/14: Moved out into his own apartment. Was a boomerang and at the house to see the girls 4 days a week.

Now 1/15:
I found out a week ago without a shadow of doubt that H's assumed EA (possibly already PA) had in fact turned into a PA when he moved out. She was not technically living with him but a lot of her stuff was in his apartment and she was pretty much always there. This revelation hit me like a ton of bricks! For the whole month before he had been giving touch n go's. Helping more with chores around the house, a little more engaging in conversation, took more interest in the girls and my tots activities. We spent all xmas day together. I didn't read too much into though but who wouldn't at least think it was some progress. All to find out he was shacking up with OW.

We are supposed to be moving 100+ miles this year. Originally before all this MLC nonsense we were planning on going after his school year (he's a teacher). But since the BD and him moving out there was no point in the girls and I staying since moving meant being closer to my sister and more help with my girls. H and I had a handful of conversations regarding the move but of course in typical MLCer fashion never had any input other then whatever I thought was best. But he never waviered on the fact that regardless of what I decided he too would be moving too at then end of the school year.

SOOO fast forward to last week when I found out about the OW. That night we had already had scheduled a time to talk after the girls went down, before he left about "the move"... I handed him a letter with all my thoughts and feelings and it was pretty raw and intense. It was honest but also loving and supportive. (see old thread to read whole letter) It was all the things I had not gotten to say to him since the BD 1 year ago. After he read it we talked a few hours, nothing too profound. Just a lot of him talking about how screwed up he is. I communicated to him that as long as he was with OW we could not be friends.

The next day I asked him straight out "are we going to be able to be friends AKA are you going to continue your relationship?" He said he didn't know what he wanted but yes he thinks he will be continuing some version of the relationship just not sure what that looked like at the moment. From that moment on I committed to going completely dim unless it had to do with scheduling or an emergency with the girls.

The next morning I texted my landlord and copied H to let my landlord know that we would be moving April and Id be giving my 30 day notice with March's rent. That night I got an email from H right before he was due at our house to watch the girls because I had a late night client, that said that all of a sudden he is seeing things clearer and he does not like the man he sees in the mirror or the man he has been. The good thing is that he is able to see this and that means he is able to start the healing process and become the man he knows he can be. He promises he will get it figured out and make it happen. (it was like a 3 paragraph email). I was floored. Since many months before BD I have not heard him speak with any depth or emotion to me. I saw the man I use to know in this email for the first time in almost 2 years. I did not reply that night.

The next morning I woke up to another email saying " I ended things with her. I realized I need my daughters more then I need to breathe. I have made an obscene about of mistakes in my life but all of them combined do not add up to even 1% of what I have done to you and the girls."  I responded that the I am glad to hear all this for his sake. That the girls love him so very much and we are all standing behind him even if it may not feel like that at times.

Since then has been several times where he has cried big tears and has been very emotional when at the house with us. He has been communicating via text daily. Mainly friendly stuff some deeper stuff of how he's feeling positive and hopeful to change and do the hard work. He even texted my sister (who is my best friend) and apologized to her for the mistakes he made and promised her "he would spend the rest of his life making up for his behaviors." To which my sister gracefully replied that she loved him and wanted to see him get better because she knows hes a good person. And said she was there to help us in any way.

Yesterday he texted me asking if "somewhere down the road we could work hard together or did he destroy all hope?" My response was that "There is hope. We both would have to work really hard but I think we could have the life we originally set out to create. We have plenty of time if nothing else, please just take all the time you need." I did draw a boundary and said "the only 2 things at this point that could change that is if you have contact with OW or lie any more." To which he responded "ok, I understand."

Sooooooooo I am doing my very best to have zero expectations and reading reading reading all I can on awakening, reconnecting, and OW withdrawal. Although I have hope I am well aware that there is sooooooooo much more of this journey left for both him and myself. I plan to continue with my plans to move in April and he will move to the area in June/July. At this point the plan would be for him to still get his own place while we continue to connect. According to what I am reading after the OW withdrawal happens (which is hard because he works with her ugh) he will then cross into depression. I am already seeing the exhaustion all the time and the sleeplessness hes reporting and tearfulness. He is no stranger to depression but this feels different.

I know that tomorrow it can all be different and he could be right back in replay but I choose to stay in the moment and do what I can today. Which is let him take the lead but continue to encourage him to move along in his journey by my subtle presence.

Old thread link:
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5853.0
« Last Edit: January 22, 2016, 04:36:39 PM by Anjae »
M:33
H: 42 (not legally married)
D1: 4 yo
D2: almost 2 yo
BD: 02/14 (I was 6 months preg)
Moved out: 11/14 (I initiated it but he didn't fight it)
Boomerang- I assume because the girls. Despite his demons he still really tries to be consistent and present for our daughters.
1/15 OW confirmed and supposedly dumped
2/15 started reconnecting
4/15 moved 150 miles away together
Present- reconciled, very happy, and continuing to build

Offline long journey

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Oooooh careful. This might be real or it might just be extreme cycling. A lot of the time when they do these things they just had a really good fight with OW. Then after a couple of weeks they cool off and back to OW they go.

For your sake I hope that it is real, but I recommend take it slow and cautious. It is an excellent idea for him to get his own place, as often times bringing them home this early in replay may cause them to freak out. I actually think reconnection works better when they are living independently.

Offline HappierDaysAhead22Topic starterTopic starter

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Thank you LJ... I am so very cautious almost to the point I'm telling myself this just isn't real. It's all so overwhelming and soooooooo hard to just sit back and watch. I'm trying to encourage communication by some sharing. Nothing too much, like my feelings that this all feels like a dream and I'm afraid to wake. And that I'm uneasy that he still works with ow. Is that too much sharing? I also reiterated that he is not expected to be at the house now every night and not to feel bad on days he doesn't come. That he still needs to make this journey about him and figure out what he wants and needs as I  doing.  After getting that off my chest I feel more ok with now sitting back and watching and following his lead in all this.
M:33
H: 42 (not legally married)
D1: 4 yo
D2: almost 2 yo
BD: 02/14 (I was 6 months preg)
Moved out: 11/14 (I initiated it but he didn't fight it)
Boomerang- I assume because the girls. Despite his demons he still really tries to be consistent and present for our daughters.
1/15 OW confirmed and supposedly dumped
2/15 started reconnecting
4/15 moved 150 miles away together
Present- reconciled, very happy, and continuing to build

Offline HappierDaysAhead22Topic starterTopic starter

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~~ Journaling~~ Feedback always welcomes though  ;D

So my toddler came down with croup a couple nights ago. Yesterday morning on his way to work he dropped her off cough drops and when he got to work he called the nurse line to ask if she needed to be seen. I was in mandatory meetings all day and he made the call without me even asking or prompting. He made her an appointment for 230 and since I was unable to get off in time to get her there he took off work early. He stayed the night last night on the couch to help with the girls. This is the old H I know. A few weeks ago I really doubt he would of done more then make an appearance for a couple hours in the evening.

I keep thinking, not only am I overwhelmed with the processing of discovering the OW and learning just how serious it was but I am also overwhelmed with this crazy reconnecting process. What an emotional roller coaster. I am trying so very hard to just trust the process. I have not been so great at that but this morning I woke up committed to truly just sitting back, watching it unfold, letting H take the lead, and getting back to my life. In one week my life got flipped upside down yet again. I think a week of emotional havoc is more then acceptable lol.

I sense H is going through OW withdrawal. As he is still following through and being present physically, emotionally he seems checked out. He is much different now though. Warm again but distant, genuine but guarded.

I never imagine the reconnecting stage could be so draining and crazy making!

I know I need to continue to have zero expectations (I'm working hard at that) and continue on with my plans and life (which I am doing 100%) but please do not tell me there is anything wrong with keeping hopes high. Hope is all that has gotten me through this mess the last year. I know that he can be just hardcore cycling and there is a high probability he will run back to OW but my boundaries are clear and all I can do is keep to them but continue to encourage him down his journey of healing. He will not be invited to move back home even though the help would be amazing!! I 100% understand how important it is that he continue through all the stages before he is whole. I don't think he has even been a whole person so if he makes it out the other end it will be incredible!

Anyway... in short, OW still out of the picture, H's word have decreased but his actions highly increased. I can live with that for today and feel good about it!
M:33
H: 42 (not legally married)
D1: 4 yo
D2: almost 2 yo
BD: 02/14 (I was 6 months preg)
Moved out: 11/14 (I initiated it but he didn't fight it)
Boomerang- I assume because the girls. Despite his demons he still really tries to be consistent and present for our daughters.
1/15 OW confirmed and supposedly dumped
2/15 started reconnecting
4/15 moved 150 miles away together
Present- reconciled, very happy, and continuing to build

Offline Dji76

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I have no experience with reconnection but it sounds like you are handling it great. I can't imagine the rollerccoaster of learning about ow and then a possible reconnection just a few days later! I have no advice so I'm simply offering my support for you and your family.

Offline HappierDaysAhead22Topic starterTopic starter

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Thank you DJ.. It means a lot. I feel like patience is all I can do right now and support is all I can ask from others right now. All in good time we will see where this leads.

Day #8: As of this day and moment his actions are matching.
M:33
H: 42 (not legally married)
D1: 4 yo
D2: almost 2 yo
BD: 02/14 (I was 6 months preg)
Moved out: 11/14 (I initiated it but he didn't fight it)
Boomerang- I assume because the girls. Despite his demons he still really tries to be consistent and present for our daughters.
1/15 OW confirmed and supposedly dumped
2/15 started reconnecting
4/15 moved 150 miles away together
Present- reconciled, very happy, and continuing to build

Offline Strongcurrent

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Just wishing you guys the best of luck with your reconnection

SC

Offline stayed

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Quite honestly Happier, I didn't know we had gotten through the reconnection and were actually reconciling until years down the road.  It is very hard not to be super cautious and guarded.  So much so, you really do not trust what you think might be happening. 

It was while looking backward that it dawned on me... (a good 3 years later)... oh my goodness, I think we made it! 

Other people have been much more optimistic and willing to declare victory sooner then I was, but I noticed that wondering was a lot like me, I'm not sure she has declared they are RECONCILED yet? 

No panic.  Go ahead with whatever plans you had made.  If he wants to have a marriage with you, he will follow along.

Hugs Stayed
Married 42yrs.
Reconciled July 5, 2006

"Don't be so open minded your brains fall out".  by Stephen A. Kallis, Jr.
"We believe marriage is sacred, but it is not our job to save marriages; it is our goal to empower each of you to save your own marriage."

Stayed Husband Letter
The Hero's Spouse Mission Statement
Survival Instructions for Newbies
The Mentor Program
LBS SCRIPT

Offline HappierDaysAhead22Topic starterTopic starter

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Thanks for checking in Stayed, it means a lot.

Journaling~~

Day 12:
Its been 12 days since he broke it off with OW and had what appears to be an "awakening" and declared what a mistake he's been making.

Since my last posting there has not been another word uttered about the whole situation but is actions continue to speak loudly. Both of our girls fell really sick the last week and he camped out on the couch with the baby monitor to help me get some sleep an tended to the toddler while I manned the baby.

He is still distant but each day he seems to be coming closer and closer. I completely do not pursue and let him initiate contact which he does several times a day to check in on me and the girls or to let me know randomly what he's up to. This is very helpful in easing my crazy racing mind that he has run back to OW.

Ive been following his lead and mirroring him in conversation. When he is silly and playful in his texts I play back but let him initiate and usually am the first to stop responding. I'm doing my best to appreciate each day and moment for what it is because boy where we in a totally different place just 2-3 weeks ago.

Still working daily on not allowing myself to get lost in terrible images and thoughts of H and OW and it seems to get sllllllightly better each day. I read on the forum any chance I get and read through all of Patience threads and WOW that has been a wealth of knowledge and strength for me. HB was so thorough in her guidance I took in every word and try daily to be the model student. I might be thee most impatience person in the whole world so not pushing during this time is proving to be so so hard. I'm not looking to push for info on OW or anything like that, I just want to know where he is, where his head is. He dumped all these feels and epiphanies on me and then bam.... not.a.word.   Well not a word in regards to the situation or the likes. I know no pushing, at least not at this moment. He is still in OW withdrawal I'm sure of that so I shall just let him process process process and stand as the safe place for landing.

He did give me an inclination that he has been in thought about what his plans are and what he wants to do moving forward. He said the other night that since we are moving in April and he wont be following until June, he was thinking about breaking his lease on his apartment (he got in Nov with obvious intentions to house OW) and just rent a room for the remainder of the time to save $$. That was refreshing to hear for a couple reasons. 1) saving money at this point is so important for our family since we are making such HUGE changes and quitting jobs and such, and more importantly 2) it shows that he really (at least in these moments) has no intentions of starting things back up with OW. He wants to downsize to a room where he would likely not be allowed guests. That brought a smile to my soul in the moment. Of course I know that can all change in a matter of a weakened moment, I am no fool. BUT as for now things are what they are and he is still where he said he was, moving towards healing.

I have done a ton of self reflection in the last week and I feel so much stronger then I did just a week ago. I feel confident in my decision to quit my job and move 100 miles away to be close to my sister and start my own practice. I know only good things are to come from that. I remind myself daily there is a very hard road ahead the next year or 2 whether it be the road to Recon or the road to truly separating. Either way, I see both stories ending happily and a new, stronger, courageous woman standing tall in the end. I cannot predict where this story will go but I know I am the driver of my own destination and at this moment i chose to continue to stand, be patient, follow H's lead in the reconnection process BUT still continue on the path that I have paved for myself and my daughters.

My new matra:
" Continue my path and he will either do the work and catch up or he won't,  but either way I will be amazing!!! It feels good to remind myself this, especially when I'm feeling anxious or worried about us and where he is in the journey. I have to let him be on his journey and focus on mine.

I've encouraged him to continue to take care of himself and not worry about the girls and I. Before this MLC he!! I may not have meant that 100%, but now I absolutely do. He is no good to me or my daughters if he doesn't learn to love and be good to himself. This is what got him into this mess. His toxic shame has cause him to self loathe which in turn numbed him from any kind of agape and I don't want a man who cannot receive my love because that just means he cannot give me love. I see that now and I deserve more. I love hard and I want to be loved hard in return. Rest assure folks this pain has not jaded me from continuing to love hard in the future. Whether it is him or someone new I will choose to love hard even if the outcome is horrendous pain. Pain I will sadly be very familiar with. But to love any less would be an absolute waste. I just hope like he!! H will do the hard work laid out in front of him so he can reap the rewards of alllllll the love I have to give. If not, Mr. Joe Shmoe will be the lucky guy  ;)

So I was thinking back on a few convos H and I had when he was deep in replay (deeper then I ever imagine). That hindsight you all talk about REAL! Anyway... H said something that I thought would be a helpful tid bit into the mind of a MLCer in the throes of replay.

He was reflecting on some of the things he was noticing about himself (he has ALWAYS ALWAYS been amazingly insightful even in MLCland) and he said that if someone wanted him to do something and kept pressing it he felt like it was a vice around his neck and he would resist at all cost (Stupid example he gave was the people at work wanted him to eat a donut because they thought it was weird that every week he would be the only one not to eat a donut. Well he knows and I know he loves him a maple bar, but since these coworkers were trying to "make him" eat one he absolutely refused and said come hell or high water he was NOT going to ever eat a donut in front of them). Seriously... This is what he told me ladies and gentleman. This is the mind of a MLCer. So interpret it as any type of pressure he will automatically push back and refuse to oblige at all cost. We LBS' know the importance of no pressure but this is proof that these MLCers rebuke any type of pressure no matter who delves it out regardless what it about. Donut... really dude!!!!!!!!! #crazytown

Thought ya'll might get a kick out of that.

Well I promise to continue to make mental notes of things he says and post them here as nuggets of looks inside the mind of a MLCer. I think its fascinating!
M:33
H: 42 (not legally married)
D1: 4 yo
D2: almost 2 yo
BD: 02/14 (I was 6 months preg)
Moved out: 11/14 (I initiated it but he didn't fight it)
Boomerang- I assume because the girls. Despite his demons he still really tries to be consistent and present for our daughters.
1/15 OW confirmed and supposedly dumped
2/15 started reconnecting
4/15 moved 150 miles away together
Present- reconciled, very happy, and continuing to build

Offline bipolared

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Hey HDA22-I think they are fascinating too when they happen to have somewhat coherent thoughts.  You sound really good and strong.  Brave as well to schedule a move with 2 little ones!  I think it will be a really good thing to be near your sister, she will be a great help.  Hoping that everything goes well and smoothly for you.
 
I'm not looking for my other half because I'm not half a person.

Offline HappierDaysAhead22Topic starterTopic starter

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1 year post BD... What a very slow but fast and very exhausting year. I know if this reconnection business continues to grow and he doesn't run I will be one of the lucky few that has an early returner. I can be very happy in that fact BUT it also is tricky because it causes for very high alert and probably a longer personal recovery time because I am still in the beginnings of my recovery. All in all.... We have a long way to go! But I wanted to acknowledge that 364 days ago I never imagined I'd be standing so tall and feeling so strong on this day, 1 year post BD! But here I am.... YES HERE I AM!!!!!!

Have a wonderful day everyone!  :-* :-* :-* :-*
M:33
H: 42 (not legally married)
D1: 4 yo
D2: almost 2 yo
BD: 02/14 (I was 6 months preg)
Moved out: 11/14 (I initiated it but he didn't fight it)
Boomerang- I assume because the girls. Despite his demons he still really tries to be consistent and present for our daughters.
1/15 OW confirmed and supposedly dumped
2/15 started reconnecting
4/15 moved 150 miles away together
Present- reconciled, very happy, and continuing to build

Offline Lostandalone

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Oh i hope it is reconnection for you!!!
Our journey has similarities
My h left when i was 5 months pg with
#3
I love how you told him if he was still with
Ow you could not be friends
My h and i are amicable now, strangely friendly
Since he is no longer living with ow but he told me
The other day He still sees her but not like before.
 Also told me he will be happy to sit down with me and tell me where
His head is and what he has been experiencing. I am thinking of saying what you
Did bc its messed with me knowing she is still in the picture at all
My fingers and toes are crossed for you

Offline HappierDaysAhead22Topic starterTopic starter

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LandA I hope that this is the beginning of reconnection too. But as you well know these MLCers are so dam unpredictable! So who knows. I'm literally taking each day hour by hour. It's exhausting.

As for BD when preg, it should just be illegal. Like seriously... I cannot believe how much stress my poor baby and body was under the last couple months of my pregnancy. I lost weight, I was a mess. If I let myself think about it I can potentially get super pissed. But that will be discussed at a later time (hopefully). It mostly makes me feel sad. Sad that he ruined my last and final pregnancy and the first year of my baby's little life was met with such chaos and stress. That her entire existence her father has been physical around but emotionally checked out. During the BD discussion he even said, I never wanted her I was forced to by you and my family (which was a total lie, the forced part at least). That hurt. A LOT!

But at the end of the day I love him and hope that he is on the path of healing for his sake and more the sake of our beautiful daughters who need and love their daddy very much.

I'm 99% sure that having our first daughter (who will be 3 in a month) was the catalyst for this MLC and brought all his childhood demons to the surface. topped with the monumental stress of caring for a baby, a spouse (me) struggling with PPD, and zero support from family. It was a tough time for sure.

So am I reading correctly that your H is still with OW just not as hot and heavy? When I told my H as long as he is in a R with OW we are not friends I meant everything including at personal contact. They work together (UGH) but only till the end of the school year. Its taking everything in me not tell tell him to put in is resignation now and we will figure out the money part. It's all so so hard. and crazy making!
M:33
H: 42 (not legally married)
D1: 4 yo
D2: almost 2 yo
BD: 02/14 (I was 6 months preg)
Moved out: 11/14 (I initiated it but he didn't fight it)
Boomerang- I assume because the girls. Despite his demons he still really tries to be consistent and present for our daughters.
1/15 OW confirmed and supposedly dumped
2/15 started reconnecting
4/15 moved 150 miles away together
Present- reconciled, very happy, and continuing to build

Offline Lostandalone

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I too think that the stress of our older two kids contributed greatly to this current nightmare as his childhood was so messed up
Yes it should be a crime !!!
I just went thru a down swing of replaying the end of my pg. when i was 31 weeks is
When i discovered he had been lying and was totally with the ow which sent my health
Spiraling. I had an emergency c section after My placenta detached and the baby
And i nearly died. How could the man i love do that to me and to our daughter ? 
I try not to focus on it but my god- really?

My h lives alone now but yes just told me he " sees her" ( they worked together too but she transferred locations last june so they could be together and they still live in the same apt complex
 He has agreed to sit down with me and tell me where his head is.
I want to tell him what you told your h but im scared to. What if he says no?  But i dont know if i can continue on this way-Being friendly with him knowing he is seeing her 
 he has even started spending his weekly dinner with the kids at the house with all of us but to sit there talking to him knowing he still sees her !!!????
I guess i will wait to see what he says to me. 
Your h seems to be very involved with your girls- that is wonderful! 
 I look forward to your updates. Stay strong!

M 39
H 41
Married 12 yrs, together -17
D 9, S 7, D 7 months
BD march 2014. Moved out 2 weeks later when i was 5 months pregnant


Offline HappierDaysAhead22Topic starterTopic starter

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LandA... Telling H that you cannot be friends/friendly is not about making him break it off with her but about setting your boundaries to protect yourself emotionally. My words verbatim were: "so long as you're in any kind of R with her we are not friends. My friends do not disrespect and hurt me". Which is absolutely true. Someone intentionally being distespectful and hurtful is not worthy of your friendship. Going dim and only communicating about schedules and emergencies with the kids would make him see you are seriously about your boundaries. And it'll help boost
your confidence... Eventually.

H has always been an amazing dad, especially to the older one. The younger one he lacked and still does a real bond I think. But he's such I mess I doubt he could bond with a piece of gum that got stuck to him! While involved with ow he wasn't such a great dad and spent very little time with the girls and was checked out mostly. Now since breaking it off with ow he around again for them and this time much more present. It's been nice for them.
M:33
H: 42 (not legally married)
D1: 4 yo
D2: almost 2 yo
BD: 02/14 (I was 6 months preg)
Moved out: 11/14 (I initiated it but he didn't fight it)
Boomerang- I assume because the girls. Despite his demons he still really tries to be consistent and present for our daughters.
1/15 OW confirmed and supposedly dumped
2/15 started reconnecting
4/15 moved 150 miles away together
Present- reconciled, very happy, and continuing to build

Offline HappierDaysAhead22Topic starterTopic starter

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Journaling...

Day 18
(post awakening)

Things are moving along and the actions continue to match the initial words of wanting to work to come home at some point down the road.

Saturday he shed tears (that is 3 times in a little over 2 weeks) when we briefly spoke about the girls and I moving in March and him not being able to join till June. He said "just when I started coming around". And I'm pretty sure he didn't mean physically because throughout the entire crisis he has always been physically present. I just reassured him that it would be ok and encouraged him to use the time apart to continue to work on himself.

He confirmed that he plans to break his lease on his apartment and rent a room Mar, Apr, and May to save money. He said, "I should have originally done that but I was DELUSIONAL and thought that D2 could comeo visit me if I had an apartment *chuckle*". M: "You were delusional about a lot of things". H: "Yes, yes I was". I was so so so nice to hear him say this and it was in his old him tone... I saw the real him and it felt good.

Sunday we spent the day running around visiting grandparents (he asked if we would join him) and he played in a few hockey games which the girls and I watched one. It was so nice to just hang out and be. There was no tension or weirdness like there has been for the last year anytime we hung out as a family. We got home late and he helped give the girls a bath and put them down. When he left he texted me: Seriously, THANK YOU for making today possible... without you none of it happens.

Tell me... tell me how one is suppose to no have expectations. I am still very much focused on myself, my upcoming move (YAAAAAAAY), and starting my practice from scratch. I have so much on my plate personally its hard to not continue to be focused on myself and what I have going on. Which I am very thankful for in my journey of GAL... When we move I also plan to join an evening softball team because I love sports and being competitive! :)

Day by day, hour by hour. I continue to do me and walk my journey and hope like hell he will continue on his and eventually catch up so we can begin the work together!!
M:33
H: 42 (not legally married)
D1: 4 yo
D2: almost 2 yo
BD: 02/14 (I was 6 months preg)
Moved out: 11/14 (I initiated it but he didn't fight it)
Boomerang- I assume because the girls. Despite his demons he still really tries to be consistent and present for our daughters.
1/15 OW confirmed and supposedly dumped
2/15 started reconnecting
4/15 moved 150 miles away together
Present- reconciled, very happy, and continuing to build

Offline willitgetbetter

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Man, I'm gonna run out of popcorn between you and Pix! Maybe they do auto-delivery?

Offline HappierDaysAhead22Topic starterTopic starter

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I can barely keep up with my story... Dying to keep up with Pix! lol
M:33
H: 42 (not legally married)
D1: 4 yo
D2: almost 2 yo
BD: 02/14 (I was 6 months preg)
Moved out: 11/14 (I initiated it but he didn't fight it)
Boomerang- I assume because the girls. Despite his demons he still really tries to be consistent and present for our daughters.
1/15 OW confirmed and supposedly dumped
2/15 started reconnecting
4/15 moved 150 miles away together
Present- reconciled, very happy, and continuing to build

Offline HappierDaysAhead22Topic starterTopic starter

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I forgot to mention I had a relapse in fixer mode. I gave H a book that was so spot on written for him and he was very receptive to it. I know I should have refrained but I couldn't. Someone recommended it here on the forum in a 2010/2011 thread. Omg spot in H! It's called "no more mr nice guy" by Robert glover. I'm almost done reading it and it's helping me understand whole is and why. I recommend you google it and see if it may be relevant to your H for the insight.
M:33
H: 42 (not legally married)
D1: 4 yo
D2: almost 2 yo
BD: 02/14 (I was 6 months preg)
Moved out: 11/14 (I initiated it but he didn't fight it)
Boomerang- I assume because the girls. Despite his demons he still really tries to be consistent and present for our daughters.
1/15 OW confirmed and supposedly dumped
2/15 started reconnecting
4/15 moved 150 miles away together
Present- reconciled, very happy, and continuing to build

Offline HappierDaysAhead22Topic starterTopic starter

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Update... Geez it feels like each time I update it's something more crazy then the last. I hope this is the last crazy update and it becomes boring updates.

More like journaling then posting as it seems feedback is scarce but owell....

Day 23 (post awakening) valentines day
Ok so... I haven't snooped since he sent me the awakening email. But yesterday my intuition told me to look. Idk why but it did and I told myself that I need to start trusting again in my intuition again. So I looked and his phone record and bam. There was a call to ow and a random number from last night which I called and it was some restaurant 40 miles out of town. I check his cc statement and $75 charge for that restaurant from Friday night after he left here. He had gone home yesterday during myas nap that when I snooped.
When he got back to the house from his run I obviously couldn't hide my crazy and he asked if I was ok. I asked what did you do last night? He got that look and tried to say he was home...  I said don't you dare lie to me...  And I said I knew he was with her "my friend saw you" at the restaurant you were at last night. (We live in a small area so it's believable) .
He literally fell to the floor crying sobbing noooo nooooo
This is not happening... How can this be happening. He said "I went for closure and because I felt we needed it and it was a turning of a chapter for me.. Nooooooo please noooooo"  pacing and mumbling and sobbing and pulling his hair. I just kept on washing dishes. Then I walked him to the room away from the girls (ugh parenting at its best) and then I  unleashed... "wtf I'm done catering to your ass and letting you process. I've been so understanding and patient and no more.. Ifyou can respect me then I don't give a frick either. I started asking all the questions I wanted about ow and prefaced with don't you dare lie becuase I know way more then you think I do and if I catch you in a lie we are done that moment.  I pretty much lost all LBS cool and logic and went ape $hit.... I couldn't help myself I was PISSED!

So I asked a bunch of questions and I told him "this is it. One more time and I am done. I have resolved not bein with you and am ok with it. I have shown unconditional love and understanding but I also have to love and respect myself. I NEEEEED you to understand that his is it for me".

Then for the first time since all this there was true remorse. He said" these last few weeks I've been with you guys has made me realize this is where I want to be. I want to be apart of this family. Everything I need is under this roof nothing else. I can't even explain a lifetime to erase what I've done to you or the pain I've caused you but I promise I will spend my life making this right. I will not settle for anything less. You have nothing to prove to me I have all the proving to you to do. You are the only one who's kept me going. I've had my backpack packed and planned many night to walk into the hills and end it but you wouldn't let me quit. You never gave up on me. You saved my life and I owe it to you and our family to make this right. I know, unfortunately not for some time down the road, our family will be amazing and after we do all the hard work we will look back at this time in our life as something we got through that made us stronger. I see our family in the future and it's amazing. But unfortunately it's not in the vet near future because I have so much work to do and making up to do till we can get there."

He promised that this these are not just words but he will be working very hard to make sure I feel everything that he's said and in time I can believe that what he said is true.

I asked what changed.. What made you send me
 That email that you see clearer. It felt out of the blue. He said that I had left a book in the Mazda (which was my car that he started to drive and I took over the big car) "surviving your husbands midlife crisis" and he said he picked it up and skimmed it (before the awakening) and one of the text boxes said something like "MLCers are delusional in thinking that they can have both lives and everything will be ok. He said it scared him because it was literally how he felt and thought all the months before. He said that our brief convo after the night I confronted him about ow when I said that so long as they are together we are not friends and he knew I meant it he realized where he wanted to be. He knew his life would not have room for ow or anything else about that life he created. He literally used the words "the life I created". So MLC scripted.. Scary stuff! 

In the end he stayed the night in my bed for the first time since moving out and talked a little more, cuddled but no sex! It's felt good, familiar, but all brand new.
This morning he cried when hugging me good bye.

He's made a doc apt for a full physical in 2 weeks including a testosterone check. He's wanting to be healthy.

I'm sure I handled this all incorrectly by the adivce of RCR and HB but man I was pissed and my emotions got the best of me. Back to continuing to give him his space and although I still have hope I'm carrying on with my plans. I am actually headed to me new town tomorrow to look at places. Exciting!!!!

M:33
H: 42 (not legally married)
D1: 4 yo
D2: almost 2 yo
BD: 02/14 (I was 6 months preg)
Moved out: 11/14 (I initiated it but he didn't fight it)
Boomerang- I assume because the girls. Despite his demons he still really tries to be consistent and present for our daughters.
1/15 OW confirmed and supposedly dumped
2/15 started reconnecting
4/15 moved 150 miles away together
Present- reconciled, very happy, and continuing to build

Offline rosecoloredglasses

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Hi Happier!  That is amazing!  Your MLCer seems to be moving right along and really feel remorseful.  I hope things continue to look up! 

RCG
M-45
H-54
D-13
S-10
D-6

Offline MeNow

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You handled it wonderfully Happier. There is a time and place for everything and this was obviously the time. So happy for the progress that was made. Stay strong (but compassionate) and don't falter now.

Best to you both.

Offline Thunder

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Happier,

I am so happy for you.  I know your guy has not been in MLC very long, but sometimes we see they don't all take years to come out of this.  A few do come out of this early.

Your attitude has been wonderful.  You kept your expectations low, you gave him space, you stayed true to yourself and never waivered on the plans you made for yourself.

I wish the 2 of you and your children nothing but happiness in the future.   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline HappierDaysAhead22Topic starterTopic starter

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Thank you thank you RCG, MN, and Thunder!

I just took the quiz 5 languages of love and my highest score was in quality time which makes perfect sense. All I want to do is be with the man I love so it makes it extremely difficult to give space since I communicate and feel loved through proximity. This makes me even more proud of myself that I've been able to give him the space he needs because  all I want is him to be next to me. I plan to continue what I've been doing. Taking it slow, being loving and compassionate when the time calls for it, continue to allow him to share with me without feeling judged, and continue with my plans.

Last night he came by to spend time with our tot since I'm taking her to spend the week with my sister. We were hangin out and he said "since we agreed to honesty and full disclosure I wanted to let you know I got some horrible texts earlier to Ow. Hoping I die and rot in He11, and he said along with many other mean things. But I think that's a good sign. Her being angry at me means she got the message we are done." I asked if he responded and he said no and he has no plans to ever.

I think this disclosure is a huge step for him/us. Just a week ago he would mention her if hot colas were pressed on his man jewels lol

Thankful for baby steps. Keep them coming H.
M:33
H: 42 (not legally married)
D1: 4 yo
D2: almost 2 yo
BD: 02/14 (I was 6 months preg)
Moved out: 11/14 (I initiated it but he didn't fight it)
Boomerang- I assume because the girls. Despite his demons he still really tries to be consistent and present for our daughters.
1/15 OW confirmed and supposedly dumped
2/15 started reconnecting
4/15 moved 150 miles away together
Present- reconciled, very happy, and continuing to build

Offline Thunder

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I'd say that was a very good sign...she gets it. 

Sure not making herself look too needy or loving now, huh?  lol
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Reinventing

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I just read through this thread today for the first time. I'm impressed with you, HappierDaysAhead22. You remind me of OffWhiteLilly.

Yes, the disclosure was a big thing. The veil of secrecy shifts from keeping you outside to keeping her outside. That is a fundamental shift.
« Last Edit: February 18, 2015, 11:45:50 AM by Reinventing »

Offline HappierDaysAhead22Topic starterTopic starter

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It's been exactly 1 year since he said he wanted to come home
« Reply #26 on: January 22, 2016, 12:46:51 PM »
I haven't been on in almost a year. I think maybe due to PTSD.. Posting here was during a very loooow and dark place in my life. But I wanted to come back and share some hope with everyone because I remember just how badly I needed it when I was in the dark place. Reading stories of reconciliation and how MLCers truly turned around helped me to continue on.

So where are we now? We are in a good place. Things were soooooo hard at first. There were a few relapses of talking and meeting with OW but then that officially ended. He went through OW withdrawal I clearly saw that.. And then he himself withdrew into himself which I recognized and gave him is space. He still lived in the apartment through the end of March and when he wasn't with the girls and I he was there. Alone... And glad to be.

Then we moved 150 miles away. Since neither of us were working we had a few months to spend as a family and enjoy one another. We continued to do couples counseling when we first moved out here. He said in his email when asking to come home that he would do whatever it took to make it up to me and he would spend the rest of his life proving how much he wants to be with his family. So far he's done that. He's been patient with my anger and open to validate whenever I needed it. He didn't bring it up bad when I got angry one night and snapped at him for it his response was "I think about the damage I did daily. I just don't know how to ever bring it up and I don't want to bring you down if you weren't thinking about it".

The first 6 months were definitely the hardest. Essentially having to get to know one another again. It was kind of awkward too. Now a year later, things feel easier and there isn't that black MLC shadow still hanging over us. He's different. Seems more content in his skin... Sleeps all night (which as long as he's been alive hasn't ever happened), jokes openly that "he's old" which before it was a veeeery sore spot and very much in denial about turning 40, he admits that his hands hurt from likely Artheritis, he seems to have a sense of joy which had been missing for years now that I can look back and reflect. The List is endless as to what a different man he Is now. Much closer to the man I fell in love with over a decade ago.

He saw a good psychiatrist and has been on Antidepressants again which has been helpful too based on his reports. He's struggled with depression and anxiety his whole life and a lot has to do with FOO crap. Which he has been making mends with. Before his childhood dictated who he was almost but the last year he has been working hard to accept his childhood for what it was and letting it go. If you knew this man this is not an easy feat for him. I am proud of his growth. Sucks that I had to suffer while he got to this place but I'm glad he/we are here.

The PTSD of the MLC is just starting to go away. Things as small as him coming up to the bed and watching tv at night was soooooo drastically different I didn't know how to respond. He has been very mindful about his stupid phone since that was such a huge trigger for me. He still is mindful to leave it laying around in the bedroom or wherever
 Where as before it was on him 24/7... 100% transparency has not been an issue. But the funny thing is I haven't check his phone record or anything (except email a couple times) since moving and it was liberating! I figured if he was talking to ow still or being shady id find out. No need to make myself crazy checking his stuff.

About me:
I've grown sooooooo much from this experience. Emotionally, professionally, mentally, and even physically. I've changed so much too all for the better. I was in a real rut at BD... I was stagnant with little joy or motivation. My overall relationships are so much more robust and I took leaps professionally I prob wouldn't have had if I wasn't in the place I was one year ago. I am about 7 months into my new business (private practice) and things are growing much faster then I anticipated and I am so grateful for that. I hope to give back in my practice to help spouses of MLC navigate this horrid time in their lives and really focus on self love and self growth because that's all we can do when we stand!

Thanks for listening.
« Last Edit: January 22, 2016, 04:37:21 PM by Anjae »
M:33
H: 42 (not legally married)
D1: 4 yo
D2: almost 2 yo
BD: 02/14 (I was 6 months preg)
Moved out: 11/14 (I initiated it but he didn't fight it)
Boomerang- I assume because the girls. Despite his demons he still really tries to be consistent and present for our daughters.
1/15 OW confirmed and supposedly dumped
2/15 started reconnecting
4/15 moved 150 miles away together
Present- reconciled, very happy, and continuing to build

Offline Slow Fade

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Re: It's been exactly 1 year since he said he wanted to come home
« Reply #27 on: January 22, 2016, 12:53:39 PM »
Wow! So nice to hear. I was nodding my head at everything. H will be moving back home in April and I can relate to what you have said here. Everything. Seems that is likely going to develop into a semi-script with returns.

Quote
The first 6 months were definitely the hardest. Essentially having to get to know one another again. It was kind of awkward too
Good to know. It has already been rather awkward. I can only imagine what it will be like when he's underfoot again.
Married 18
BD April 2012
Left home Nov 2012
Home May 2016

Offline FindingHopeII

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Re: It's been exactly 1 year since he said he wanted to come home
« Reply #28 on: January 22, 2016, 01:07:02 PM »
HappierDaysAhead-

Thanks for posting your update (you're right, it is nice to hear about).

Your timeline looked "short" to me (vs. the 2,3,4 or 5 yr. avgs. that are discussed on here).

It also seems like he wanted to come home not too long after BD.

Was there a period where he was "monstering?"  Did he run away, avoid you like the plague, blame everything on you, vilify you, etc.? 

Did you ever learn if he thought he was "in love" with the Alienator?  Or, did he know the entire time he was just acting out to get away from the realities of growing older in a family?

Also, you said you were in a bad place at BD.  Did you do all of the "wrong" things after BD?  Text, email, call, beg, plead, etc. etc.?

Thanks for your time.  Just curious.  :)
F.H. II

Offline HappierDaysAhead22Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: It's been exactly 1 year since he said he wanted to come home
« Reply #29 on: January 22, 2016, 01:48:49 PM »
Wow! So nice to hear. I was nodding my head at everything. H will be moving back home in April and I can relate to what you have said here. Everything. Seems that is likely going to develop into a semi-script with returns.


Quote
The first 6 months were definitely the hardest. Essentially having to get to know one another again. It was kind of awkward too
Good to know. It has already been rather awkward. I can only imagine what it will be like when he's underfoot again.

Slow Fade I am so glad to hear he is moving home. It is hard at first. Like really hard. So many emotions and the PTSD of it is so real. I was terrified that I was going to get an email or a text from him saying he cant do it and he was sorry. Thankfully it never happened but it was terrifying none the less. But at some point within the last few months things just clicked and got better. For me the thoughts of OW are still there but not with hate or malice. More curiosity... its weird lol... best of luck and feel free to PM me if you need support. I don't come on her much but we can connect another way.


HappierDaysAhead-



Your timeline looked "short" to me (vs. the 2,3,4 or 5 yr. avgs. that are discussed on here).

It also seems like he wanted to come home not too long after BD.

Was there a period where he was "monstering?"  Did he run away, avoid you like the plague, blame everything on you, vilify you, etc.? 

Did you ever learn if he thought he was "in love" with the Alienator?  Or, did he know the entire time he was just acting out to get away from the realities of growing older in a family?

Also, you said you were in a bad place at BD.  Did you do all of the "wrong" things after BD?  Text, email, call, beg, plead, etc. etc.?


Hi FH II,

It was almost a year to date from BD to when H sent an email saying he'd saw himself for who he had become and he was not ok with it. I read somewhere in allllll my readings of 2014 during my standing days that MLCers typically come back quickest within that first year. Don't quote me on that though. When he sent that email it was like another bomb went off. Just the day before he said to me that he was going to continue his relationship with OW. After he broke it off she was not happy and tried several times to "win him back" #skank.

Anyway... to answer some of your questions, he did not monster per say but he did totally vilify me. I will never forget the statement he said that made me realize just how irrational he was begin about the whole thing. he said: "Do you remember when we went to that picnic with said friends? And you went into the store and bought lunch meat for sandwiches? What kind of meat did you buy? ME: turkey and roast beef... H: What kind of lunch meat do I like? Ham.... Did you get me ham? No... All you ever do it worry about yourself and what you like.  :o :o :o :o
Yea... so about that... I got turkey and roast beef because they were literally the 2 that were on sale. And he would have NEVER spoken to me so disrespectfully pre BD. EVER. It just wasnt him.

We lived together for 9 months after BD and he avoided me like the plague. Would not come in our room till well after I was asleep. Literally lived on the couch. Didn't go with me to my OB appointments. When I went into labor I labored in my room for 8+ hours when he sat on the couch and napped. yea... really...

As for being in love with the OW he said no... He has told her I love you...  They were friends before BD which according to what I've read the OW typically is in the shadows pre BD... I think the age was the catalyst to the MLC... looking back he hadnt been himself for quite some time before BD. right after BD he used classic scripted lines like, "I know this is selfish but I need to find myself". "I need to do this for me". "Ive always put others ahead of my needs."

After BD for about a month after I did all the pleading and crying and got no where but deeper in the hole. Then I found Divorce Busting that lead me to find HS and I stopped all that immediately. I was pretty good at controling myself but had a few outbursts in my postpartum months but hey... I just had a dam baby and homeboy was camped on the couch while I took care of a baby essentially alone.
About that.... He missed a huge chunk of our 2nd's first year of life because of this. He said a few months ago in tears that every morning when he went to change her diaper he would tell her how sorry he was for leaving her all through the pregnancy and refusing to bond with her after she was born. It was quite touching. Poor guy.
M:33
H: 42 (not legally married)
D1: 4 yo
D2: almost 2 yo
BD: 02/14 (I was 6 months preg)
Moved out: 11/14 (I initiated it but he didn't fight it)
Boomerang- I assume because the girls. Despite his demons he still really tries to be consistent and present for our daughters.
1/15 OW confirmed and supposedly dumped
2/15 started reconnecting
4/15 moved 150 miles away together
Present- reconciled, very happy, and continuing to build

Offline FindingHopeII

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Re: It's been exactly 1 year since he said he wanted to come home
« Reply #30 on: January 22, 2016, 01:54:12 PM »
Thanks HDA

Interesting stuff.
F.H. II

Offline barbiedoll

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Re: It's been exactly 1 year since he said he wanted to come home
« Reply #31 on: January 22, 2016, 04:10:05 PM »
Thanks so much for posting your story!  I am 2 years reconciling with my spouse , and PTSD and triggers and ... well, clearly you know. Your post really did slam me with a reality I give little thought too. ( I appear to be the selfish one now)...but my husband has done and said much the same as yours. Says "anything and forever" to make it up to you and to forgive me. And he tries hard. Thanks for that long list of changes in your husband ... mine has the same list . Well, almost. And I still struggle. I am happy to hear your "happy ending".!  ( my husband also came home very quickly )
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline Made

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Re: It's been exactly 1 year since he said he wanted to come home
« Reply #32 on: January 22, 2016, 04:19:18 PM »
attaching
But by God's grace I am what I am.

March 22, 2015 But it is true, I no longer see myself as the problem or as the solution.

Feb 1, 2017 no hope = no expectations = no disappointments

Aug. 8, 2017 She has lung cancer
Sept. 12th 2017 She has surgery and is expected to fully recover and be cured

Offline Anjae

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Re: It's been exactly 1 year since he said he wanted to come home
« Reply #33 on: January 22, 2016, 04:39:18 PM »
Hi, HappierDays.

Thank you for your update. I've merged your threads. The previous one was only 3 pages long. Also, that way we can have a better idea of how things have unfolded for you.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline 2faraway

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His toxic shame has cause him to self loathe which in turn numbed him from any kind of agape and I don't want a man who cannot receive my love because that just means he cannot give me love. I see that now and I deserve more. I love hard and I want to be loved hard in return.

Such true words just learning myself how toxic all the shame and self criticism has been to our relationship

Offline OldPilot

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Re: It's been exactly 1 year since he said he wanted to come home
« Reply #35 on: March 27, 2017, 10:19:56 PM »
I see you posted on fellowship about issues you are having so I am bumping up your thread in case you want to talk about it here.

 

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