Author Topic: My Story Rebuilding It's been exactly 1 year since he said he wanted to come home  (Read 6334 times)

Offline HappierDaysAhead22Topic starterTopic starter

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1 year post BD... What a very slow but fast and very exhausting year. I know if this reconnection business continues to grow and he doesn't run I will be one of the lucky few that has an early returner. I can be very happy in that fact BUT it also is tricky because it causes for very high alert and probably a longer personal recovery time because I am still in the beginnings of my recovery. All in all.... We have a long way to go! But I wanted to acknowledge that 364 days ago I never imagined I'd be standing so tall and feeling so strong on this day, 1 year post BD! But here I am.... YES HERE I AM!!!!!!

Have a wonderful day everyone!  :-* :-* :-* :-*
M:33
H: 42 (not legally married)
D1: 4 yo
D2: almost 2 yo
BD: 02/14 (I was 6 months preg)
Moved out: 11/14 (I initiated it but he didn't fight it)
Boomerang- I assume because the girls. Despite his demons he still really tries to be consistent and present for our daughters.
1/15 OW confirmed and supposedly dumped
2/15 started reconnecting
4/15 moved 150 miles away together
Present- reconciled, very happy, and continuing to build

Offline Lostandalone

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Oh i hope it is reconnection for you!!!
Our journey has similarities
My h left when i was 5 months pg with
#3
I love how you told him if he was still with
Ow you could not be friends
My h and i are amicable now, strangely friendly
Since he is no longer living with ow but he told me
The other day He still sees her but not like before.
 Also told me he will be happy to sit down with me and tell me where
His head is and what he has been experiencing. I am thinking of saying what you
Did bc its messed with me knowing she is still in the picture at all
My fingers and toes are crossed for you

Offline HappierDaysAhead22Topic starterTopic starter

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LandA I hope that this is the beginning of reconnection too. But as you well know these MLCers are so dam unpredictable! So who knows. I'm literally taking each day hour by hour. It's exhausting.

As for BD when preg, it should just be illegal. Like seriously... I cannot believe how much stress my poor baby and body was under the last couple months of my pregnancy. I lost weight, I was a mess. If I let myself think about it I can potentially get super pissed. But that will be discussed at a later time (hopefully). It mostly makes me feel sad. Sad that he ruined my last and final pregnancy and the first year of my baby's little life was met with such chaos and stress. That her entire existence her father has been physical around but emotionally checked out. During the BD discussion he even said, I never wanted her I was forced to by you and my family (which was a total lie, the forced part at least). That hurt. A LOT!

But at the end of the day I love him and hope that he is on the path of healing for his sake and more the sake of our beautiful daughters who need and love their daddy very much.

I'm 99% sure that having our first daughter (who will be 3 in a month) was the catalyst for this MLC and brought all his childhood demons to the surface. topped with the monumental stress of caring for a baby, a spouse (me) struggling with PPD, and zero support from family. It was a tough time for sure.

So am I reading correctly that your H is still with OW just not as hot and heavy? When I told my H as long as he is in a R with OW we are not friends I meant everything including at personal contact. They work together (UGH) but only till the end of the school year. Its taking everything in me not tell tell him to put in is resignation now and we will figure out the money part. It's all so so hard. and crazy making!
M:33
H: 42 (not legally married)
D1: 4 yo
D2: almost 2 yo
BD: 02/14 (I was 6 months preg)
Moved out: 11/14 (I initiated it but he didn't fight it)
Boomerang- I assume because the girls. Despite his demons he still really tries to be consistent and present for our daughters.
1/15 OW confirmed and supposedly dumped
2/15 started reconnecting
4/15 moved 150 miles away together
Present- reconciled, very happy, and continuing to build

Offline Lostandalone

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I too think that the stress of our older two kids contributed greatly to this current nightmare as his childhood was so messed up
Yes it should be a crime !!!
I just went thru a down swing of replaying the end of my pg. when i was 31 weeks is
When i discovered he had been lying and was totally with the ow which sent my health
Spiraling. I had an emergency c section after My placenta detached and the baby
And i nearly died. How could the man i love do that to me and to our daughter ? 
I try not to focus on it but my god- really?

My h lives alone now but yes just told me he " sees her" ( they worked together too but she transferred locations last june so they could be together and they still live in the same apt complex
 He has agreed to sit down with me and tell me where his head is.
I want to tell him what you told your h but im scared to. What if he says no?  But i dont know if i can continue on this way-Being friendly with him knowing he is seeing her 
 he has even started spending his weekly dinner with the kids at the house with all of us but to sit there talking to him knowing he still sees her !!!????
I guess i will wait to see what he says to me. 
Your h seems to be very involved with your girls- that is wonderful! 
 I look forward to your updates. Stay strong!

M 39
H 41
Married 12 yrs, together -17
D 9, S 7, D 7 months
BD march 2014. Moved out 2 weeks later when i was 5 months pregnant


Offline HappierDaysAhead22Topic starterTopic starter

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LandA... Telling H that you cannot be friends/friendly is not about making him break it off with her but about setting your boundaries to protect yourself emotionally. My words verbatim were: "so long as you're in any kind of R with her we are not friends. My friends do not disrespect and hurt me". Which is absolutely true. Someone intentionally being distespectful and hurtful is not worthy of your friendship. Going dim and only communicating about schedules and emergencies with the kids would make him see you are seriously about your boundaries. And it'll help boost
your confidence... Eventually.

H has always been an amazing dad, especially to the older one. The younger one he lacked and still does a real bond I think. But he's such I mess I doubt he could bond with a piece of gum that got stuck to him! While involved with ow he wasn't such a great dad and spent very little time with the girls and was checked out mostly. Now since breaking it off with ow he around again for them and this time much more present. It's been nice for them.
M:33
H: 42 (not legally married)
D1: 4 yo
D2: almost 2 yo
BD: 02/14 (I was 6 months preg)
Moved out: 11/14 (I initiated it but he didn't fight it)
Boomerang- I assume because the girls. Despite his demons he still really tries to be consistent and present for our daughters.
1/15 OW confirmed and supposedly dumped
2/15 started reconnecting
4/15 moved 150 miles away together
Present- reconciled, very happy, and continuing to build

Offline HappierDaysAhead22Topic starterTopic starter

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Journaling...

Day 18
(post awakening)

Things are moving along and the actions continue to match the initial words of wanting to work to come home at some point down the road.

Saturday he shed tears (that is 3 times in a little over 2 weeks) when we briefly spoke about the girls and I moving in March and him not being able to join till June. He said "just when I started coming around". And I'm pretty sure he didn't mean physically because throughout the entire crisis he has always been physically present. I just reassured him that it would be ok and encouraged him to use the time apart to continue to work on himself.

He confirmed that he plans to break his lease on his apartment and rent a room Mar, Apr, and May to save money. He said, "I should have originally done that but I was DELUSIONAL and thought that D2 could comeo visit me if I had an apartment *chuckle*". M: "You were delusional about a lot of things". H: "Yes, yes I was". I was so so so nice to hear him say this and it was in his old him tone... I saw the real him and it felt good.

Sunday we spent the day running around visiting grandparents (he asked if we would join him) and he played in a few hockey games which the girls and I watched one. It was so nice to just hang out and be. There was no tension or weirdness like there has been for the last year anytime we hung out as a family. We got home late and he helped give the girls a bath and put them down. When he left he texted me: Seriously, THANK YOU for making today possible... without you none of it happens.

Tell me... tell me how one is suppose to no have expectations. I am still very much focused on myself, my upcoming move (YAAAAAAAY), and starting my practice from scratch. I have so much on my plate personally its hard to not continue to be focused on myself and what I have going on. Which I am very thankful for in my journey of GAL... When we move I also plan to join an evening softball team because I love sports and being competitive! :)

Day by day, hour by hour. I continue to do me and walk my journey and hope like hell he will continue on his and eventually catch up so we can begin the work together!!
M:33
H: 42 (not legally married)
D1: 4 yo
D2: almost 2 yo
BD: 02/14 (I was 6 months preg)
Moved out: 11/14 (I initiated it but he didn't fight it)
Boomerang- I assume because the girls. Despite his demons he still really tries to be consistent and present for our daughters.
1/15 OW confirmed and supposedly dumped
2/15 started reconnecting
4/15 moved 150 miles away together
Present- reconciled, very happy, and continuing to build

Offline willitgetbetter

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Man, I'm gonna run out of popcorn between you and Pix! Maybe they do auto-delivery?

Offline HappierDaysAhead22Topic starterTopic starter

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I can barely keep up with my story... Dying to keep up with Pix! lol
M:33
H: 42 (not legally married)
D1: 4 yo
D2: almost 2 yo
BD: 02/14 (I was 6 months preg)
Moved out: 11/14 (I initiated it but he didn't fight it)
Boomerang- I assume because the girls. Despite his demons he still really tries to be consistent and present for our daughters.
1/15 OW confirmed and supposedly dumped
2/15 started reconnecting
4/15 moved 150 miles away together
Present- reconciled, very happy, and continuing to build

Offline HappierDaysAhead22Topic starterTopic starter

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I forgot to mention I had a relapse in fixer mode. I gave H a book that was so spot on written for him and he was very receptive to it. I know I should have refrained but I couldn't. Someone recommended it here on the forum in a 2010/2011 thread. Omg spot in H! It's called "no more mr nice guy" by Robert glover. I'm almost done reading it and it's helping me understand whole is and why. I recommend you google it and see if it may be relevant to your H for the insight.
M:33
H: 42 (not legally married)
D1: 4 yo
D2: almost 2 yo
BD: 02/14 (I was 6 months preg)
Moved out: 11/14 (I initiated it but he didn't fight it)
Boomerang- I assume because the girls. Despite his demons he still really tries to be consistent and present for our daughters.
1/15 OW confirmed and supposedly dumped
2/15 started reconnecting
4/15 moved 150 miles away together
Present- reconciled, very happy, and continuing to build

Offline HappierDaysAhead22Topic starterTopic starter

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  • Posts: 90
  • Gender: Female
Update... Geez it feels like each time I update it's something more crazy then the last. I hope this is the last crazy update and it becomes boring updates.

More like journaling then posting as it seems feedback is scarce but owell....

Day 23 (post awakening) valentines day
Ok so... I haven't snooped since he sent me the awakening email. But yesterday my intuition told me to look. Idk why but it did and I told myself that I need to start trusting again in my intuition again. So I looked and his phone record and bam. There was a call to ow and a random number from last night which I called and it was some restaurant 40 miles out of town. I check his cc statement and $75 charge for that restaurant from Friday night after he left here. He had gone home yesterday during myas nap that when I snooped.
When he got back to the house from his run I obviously couldn't hide my crazy and he asked if I was ok. I asked what did you do last night? He got that look and tried to say he was home...  I said don't you dare lie to me...  And I said I knew he was with her "my friend saw you" at the restaurant you were at last night. (We live in a small area so it's believable) .
He literally fell to the floor crying sobbing noooo nooooo
This is not happening... How can this be happening. He said "I went for closure and because I felt we needed it and it was a turning of a chapter for me.. Nooooooo please noooooo"  pacing and mumbling and sobbing and pulling his hair. I just kept on washing dishes. Then I walked him to the room away from the girls (ugh parenting at its best) and then I  unleashed... "wtf I'm done catering to your ass and letting you process. I've been so understanding and patient and no more.. Ifyou can respect me then I don't give a frick either. I started asking all the questions I wanted about ow and prefaced with don't you dare lie becuase I know way more then you think I do and if I catch you in a lie we are done that moment.  I pretty much lost all LBS cool and logic and went ape $hit.... I couldn't help myself I was PISSED!

So I asked a bunch of questions and I told him "this is it. One more time and I am done. I have resolved not bein with you and am ok with it. I have shown unconditional love and understanding but I also have to love and respect myself. I NEEEEED you to understand that his is it for me".

Then for the first time since all this there was true remorse. He said" these last few weeks I've been with you guys has made me realize this is where I want to be. I want to be apart of this family. Everything I need is under this roof nothing else. I can't even explain a lifetime to erase what I've done to you or the pain I've caused you but I promise I will spend my life making this right. I will not settle for anything less. You have nothing to prove to me I have all the proving to you to do. You are the only one who's kept me going. I've had my backpack packed and planned many night to walk into the hills and end it but you wouldn't let me quit. You never gave up on me. You saved my life and I owe it to you and our family to make this right. I know, unfortunately not for some time down the road, our family will be amazing and after we do all the hard work we will look back at this time in our life as something we got through that made us stronger. I see our family in the future and it's amazing. But unfortunately it's not in the vet near future because I have so much work to do and making up to do till we can get there."

He promised that this these are not just words but he will be working very hard to make sure I feel everything that he's said and in time I can believe that what he said is true.

I asked what changed.. What made you send me
 That email that you see clearer. It felt out of the blue. He said that I had left a book in the Mazda (which was my car that he started to drive and I took over the big car) "surviving your husbands midlife crisis" and he said he picked it up and skimmed it (before the awakening) and one of the text boxes said something like "MLCers are delusional in thinking that they can have both lives and everything will be ok. He said it scared him because it was literally how he felt and thought all the months before. He said that our brief convo after the night I confronted him about ow when I said that so long as they are together we are not friends and he knew I meant it he realized where he wanted to be. He knew his life would not have room for ow or anything else about that life he created. He literally used the words "the life I created". So MLC scripted.. Scary stuff! 

In the end he stayed the night in my bed for the first time since moving out and talked a little more, cuddled but no sex! It's felt good, familiar, but all brand new.
This morning he cried when hugging me good bye.

He's made a doc apt for a full physical in 2 weeks including a testosterone check. He's wanting to be healthy.

I'm sure I handled this all incorrectly by the adivce of RCR and HB but man I was pissed and my emotions got the best of me. Back to continuing to give him his space and although I still have hope I'm carrying on with my plans. I am actually headed to me new town tomorrow to look at places. Exciting!!!!

M:33
H: 42 (not legally married)
D1: 4 yo
D2: almost 2 yo
BD: 02/14 (I was 6 months preg)
Moved out: 11/14 (I initiated it but he didn't fight it)
Boomerang- I assume because the girls. Despite his demons he still really tries to be consistent and present for our daughters.
1/15 OW confirmed and supposedly dumped
2/15 started reconnecting
4/15 moved 150 miles away together
Present- reconciled, very happy, and continuing to build

 

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