Author Topic: My Story Rebuilding It's been exactly 1 year since he said he wanted to come home  (Read 6336 times)

Offline rosecoloredglasses

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Hi Happier!  That is amazing!  Your MLCer seems to be moving right along and really feel remorseful.  I hope things continue to look up! 

RCG
M-45
H-54
D-13
S-10
D-6

Offline MeNow

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You handled it wonderfully Happier. There is a time and place for everything and this was obviously the time. So happy for the progress that was made. Stay strong (but compassionate) and don't falter now.

Best to you both.

Offline Thunder

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Happier,

I am so happy for you.  I know your guy has not been in MLC very long, but sometimes we see they don't all take years to come out of this.  A few do come out of this early.

Your attitude has been wonderful.  You kept your expectations low, you gave him space, you stayed true to yourself and never waivered on the plans you made for yourself.

I wish the 2 of you and your children nothing but happiness in the future.   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline HappierDaysAhead22Topic starterTopic starter

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Thank you thank you RCG, MN, and Thunder!

I just took the quiz 5 languages of love and my highest score was in quality time which makes perfect sense. All I want to do is be with the man I love so it makes it extremely difficult to give space since I communicate and feel loved through proximity. This makes me even more proud of myself that I've been able to give him the space he needs because  all I want is him to be next to me. I plan to continue what I've been doing. Taking it slow, being loving and compassionate when the time calls for it, continue to allow him to share with me without feeling judged, and continue with my plans.

Last night he came by to spend time with our tot since I'm taking her to spend the week with my sister. We were hangin out and he said "since we agreed to honesty and full disclosure I wanted to let you know I got some horrible texts earlier to Ow. Hoping I die and rot in He11, and he said along with many other mean things. But I think that's a good sign. Her being angry at me means she got the message we are done." I asked if he responded and he said no and he has no plans to ever.

I think this disclosure is a huge step for him/us. Just a week ago he would mention her if hot colas were pressed on his man jewels lol

Thankful for baby steps. Keep them coming H.
M:33
H: 42 (not legally married)
D1: 4 yo
D2: almost 2 yo
BD: 02/14 (I was 6 months preg)
Moved out: 11/14 (I initiated it but he didn't fight it)
Boomerang- I assume because the girls. Despite his demons he still really tries to be consistent and present for our daughters.
1/15 OW confirmed and supposedly dumped
2/15 started reconnecting
4/15 moved 150 miles away together
Present- reconciled, very happy, and continuing to build

Offline Thunder

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I'd say that was a very good sign...she gets it. 

Sure not making herself look too needy or loving now, huh?  lol
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Reinventing

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I just read through this thread today for the first time. I'm impressed with you, HappierDaysAhead22. You remind me of OffWhiteLilly.

Yes, the disclosure was a big thing. The veil of secrecy shifts from keeping you outside to keeping her outside. That is a fundamental shift.
« Last Edit: February 18, 2015, 11:45:50 AM by Reinventing »

Offline HappierDaysAhead22Topic starterTopic starter

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It's been exactly 1 year since he said he wanted to come home
« Reply #26 on: January 22, 2016, 12:46:51 PM »
I haven't been on in almost a year. I think maybe due to PTSD.. Posting here was during a very loooow and dark place in my life. But I wanted to come back and share some hope with everyone because I remember just how badly I needed it when I was in the dark place. Reading stories of reconciliation and how MLCers truly turned around helped me to continue on.

So where are we now? We are in a good place. Things were soooooo hard at first. There were a few relapses of talking and meeting with OW but then that officially ended. He went through OW withdrawal I clearly saw that.. And then he himself withdrew into himself which I recognized and gave him is space. He still lived in the apartment through the end of March and when he wasn't with the girls and I he was there. Alone... And glad to be.

Then we moved 150 miles away. Since neither of us were working we had a few months to spend as a family and enjoy one another. We continued to do couples counseling when we first moved out here. He said in his email when asking to come home that he would do whatever it took to make it up to me and he would spend the rest of his life proving how much he wants to be with his family. So far he's done that. He's been patient with my anger and open to validate whenever I needed it. He didn't bring it up bad when I got angry one night and snapped at him for it his response was "I think about the damage I did daily. I just don't know how to ever bring it up and I don't want to bring you down if you weren't thinking about it".

The first 6 months were definitely the hardest. Essentially having to get to know one another again. It was kind of awkward too. Now a year later, things feel easier and there isn't that black MLC shadow still hanging over us. He's different. Seems more content in his skin... Sleeps all night (which as long as he's been alive hasn't ever happened), jokes openly that "he's old" which before it was a veeeery sore spot and very much in denial about turning 40, he admits that his hands hurt from likely Artheritis, he seems to have a sense of joy which had been missing for years now that I can look back and reflect. The List is endless as to what a different man he Is now. Much closer to the man I fell in love with over a decade ago.

He saw a good psychiatrist and has been on Antidepressants again which has been helpful too based on his reports. He's struggled with depression and anxiety his whole life and a lot has to do with FOO crap. Which he has been making mends with. Before his childhood dictated who he was almost but the last year he has been working hard to accept his childhood for what it was and letting it go. If you knew this man this is not an easy feat for him. I am proud of his growth. Sucks that I had to suffer while he got to this place but I'm glad he/we are here.

The PTSD of the MLC is just starting to go away. Things as small as him coming up to the bed and watching tv at night was soooooo drastically different I didn't know how to respond. He has been very mindful about his stupid phone since that was such a huge trigger for me. He still is mindful to leave it laying around in the bedroom or wherever
 Where as before it was on him 24/7... 100% transparency has not been an issue. But the funny thing is I haven't check his phone record or anything (except email a couple times) since moving and it was liberating! I figured if he was talking to ow still or being shady id find out. No need to make myself crazy checking his stuff.

About me:
I've grown sooooooo much from this experience. Emotionally, professionally, mentally, and even physically. I've changed so much too all for the better. I was in a real rut at BD... I was stagnant with little joy or motivation. My overall relationships are so much more robust and I took leaps professionally I prob wouldn't have had if I wasn't in the place I was one year ago. I am about 7 months into my new business (private practice) and things are growing much faster then I anticipated and I am so grateful for that. I hope to give back in my practice to help spouses of MLC navigate this horrid time in their lives and really focus on self love and self growth because that's all we can do when we stand!

Thanks for listening.
« Last Edit: January 22, 2016, 04:37:21 PM by Anjae »
M:33
H: 42 (not legally married)
D1: 4 yo
D2: almost 2 yo
BD: 02/14 (I was 6 months preg)
Moved out: 11/14 (I initiated it but he didn't fight it)
Boomerang- I assume because the girls. Despite his demons he still really tries to be consistent and present for our daughters.
1/15 OW confirmed and supposedly dumped
2/15 started reconnecting
4/15 moved 150 miles away together
Present- reconciled, very happy, and continuing to build

Offline Slow Fade

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Re: It's been exactly 1 year since he said he wanted to come home
« Reply #27 on: January 22, 2016, 12:53:39 PM »
Wow! So nice to hear. I was nodding my head at everything. H will be moving back home in April and I can relate to what you have said here. Everything. Seems that is likely going to develop into a semi-script with returns.

Quote
The first 6 months were definitely the hardest. Essentially having to get to know one another again. It was kind of awkward too
Good to know. It has already been rather awkward. I can only imagine what it will be like when he's underfoot again.
Married 18
BD April 2012
Left home Nov 2012
Home May 2016

Offline FindingHopeII

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Re: It's been exactly 1 year since he said he wanted to come home
« Reply #28 on: January 22, 2016, 01:07:02 PM »
HappierDaysAhead-

Thanks for posting your update (you're right, it is nice to hear about).

Your timeline looked "short" to me (vs. the 2,3,4 or 5 yr. avgs. that are discussed on here).

It also seems like he wanted to come home not too long after BD.

Was there a period where he was "monstering?"  Did he run away, avoid you like the plague, blame everything on you, vilify you, etc.? 

Did you ever learn if he thought he was "in love" with the Alienator?  Or, did he know the entire time he was just acting out to get away from the realities of growing older in a family?

Also, you said you were in a bad place at BD.  Did you do all of the "wrong" things after BD?  Text, email, call, beg, plead, etc. etc.?

Thanks for your time.  Just curious.  :)
F.H. II

Offline HappierDaysAhead22Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: It's been exactly 1 year since he said he wanted to come home
« Reply #29 on: January 22, 2016, 01:48:49 PM »
Wow! So nice to hear. I was nodding my head at everything. H will be moving back home in April and I can relate to what you have said here. Everything. Seems that is likely going to develop into a semi-script with returns.


Quote
The first 6 months were definitely the hardest. Essentially having to get to know one another again. It was kind of awkward too
Good to know. It has already been rather awkward. I can only imagine what it will be like when he's underfoot again.

Slow Fade I am so glad to hear he is moving home. It is hard at first. Like really hard. So many emotions and the PTSD of it is so real. I was terrified that I was going to get an email or a text from him saying he cant do it and he was sorry. Thankfully it never happened but it was terrifying none the less. But at some point within the last few months things just clicked and got better. For me the thoughts of OW are still there but not with hate or malice. More curiosity... its weird lol... best of luck and feel free to PM me if you need support. I don't come on her much but we can connect another way.


HappierDaysAhead-



Your timeline looked "short" to me (vs. the 2,3,4 or 5 yr. avgs. that are discussed on here).

It also seems like he wanted to come home not too long after BD.

Was there a period where he was "monstering?"  Did he run away, avoid you like the plague, blame everything on you, vilify you, etc.? 

Did you ever learn if he thought he was "in love" with the Alienator?  Or, did he know the entire time he was just acting out to get away from the realities of growing older in a family?

Also, you said you were in a bad place at BD.  Did you do all of the "wrong" things after BD?  Text, email, call, beg, plead, etc. etc.?


Hi FH II,

It was almost a year to date from BD to when H sent an email saying he'd saw himself for who he had become and he was not ok with it. I read somewhere in allllll my readings of 2014 during my standing days that MLCers typically come back quickest within that first year. Don't quote me on that though. When he sent that email it was like another bomb went off. Just the day before he said to me that he was going to continue his relationship with OW. After he broke it off she was not happy and tried several times to "win him back" #skank.

Anyway... to answer some of your questions, he did not monster per say but he did totally vilify me. I will never forget the statement he said that made me realize just how irrational he was begin about the whole thing. he said: "Do you remember when we went to that picnic with said friends? And you went into the store and bought lunch meat for sandwiches? What kind of meat did you buy? ME: turkey and roast beef... H: What kind of lunch meat do I like? Ham.... Did you get me ham? No... All you ever do it worry about yourself and what you like.  :o :o :o :o
Yea... so about that... I got turkey and roast beef because they were literally the 2 that were on sale. And he would have NEVER spoken to me so disrespectfully pre BD. EVER. It just wasnt him.

We lived together for 9 months after BD and he avoided me like the plague. Would not come in our room till well after I was asleep. Literally lived on the couch. Didn't go with me to my OB appointments. When I went into labor I labored in my room for 8+ hours when he sat on the couch and napped. yea... really...

As for being in love with the OW he said no... He has told her I love you...  They were friends before BD which according to what I've read the OW typically is in the shadows pre BD... I think the age was the catalyst to the MLC... looking back he hadnt been himself for quite some time before BD. right after BD he used classic scripted lines like, "I know this is selfish but I need to find myself". "I need to do this for me". "Ive always put others ahead of my needs."

After BD for about a month after I did all the pleading and crying and got no where but deeper in the hole. Then I found Divorce Busting that lead me to find HS and I stopped all that immediately. I was pretty good at controling myself but had a few outbursts in my postpartum months but hey... I just had a dam baby and homeboy was camped on the couch while I took care of a baby essentially alone.
About that.... He missed a huge chunk of our 2nd's first year of life because of this. He said a few months ago in tears that every morning when he went to change her diaper he would tell her how sorry he was for leaving her all through the pregnancy and refusing to bond with her after she was born. It was quite touching. Poor guy.
M:33
H: 42 (not legally married)
D1: 4 yo
D2: almost 2 yo
BD: 02/14 (I was 6 months preg)
Moved out: 11/14 (I initiated it but he didn't fight it)
Boomerang- I assume because the girls. Despite his demons he still really tries to be consistent and present for our daughters.
1/15 OW confirmed and supposedly dumped
2/15 started reconnecting
4/15 moved 150 miles away together
Present- reconciled, very happy, and continuing to build

 

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