Author Topic: My Story Rebuilding It's been exactly 1 year since he said he wanted to come home  (Read 6627 times)

Offline HappierDaysAhead22Topic starterTopic starter

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My Story Rebuilding It's been exactly 1 year since he said he wanted to come home
« on: January 27, 2015, 11:51:13 AM »
I felt that since ****I THINK*** we are heading into a new part of our MLC journey and I am over 100 posts starting a new thread was in order.

*** POSSIBLE RECONNECTION??

History:
BD 02/05/14 ILYBNILWY bomb. I was 6 months pregnant with our 2nd daughter. At this time he completely check out and since had not gotten an oz of emotional or physical affection. In retrospect I think this MLC started with the birth of our first daughter who was born March 2012. Looking back he was not the same. I suffered from severe Postpartum depression and anxiety with our first so I was in no shape to notice anything going on with H.

02/14-10/14: we lived in the same home. Lots of tension, our 2nd daughter arrived nothing changed. I suspected an EA that I had evidence started well before summer 2013 but he denied and said it was just a lesbian friend asking for advice about her girlfriend (SHOULD HAVE TRUSTED MY INTUITION THEN).

11/14: Moved out into his own apartment. Was a boomerang and at the house to see the girls 4 days a week.

Now 1/15:
I found out a week ago without a shadow of doubt that H's assumed EA (possibly already PA) had in fact turned into a PA when he moved out. She was not technically living with him but a lot of her stuff was in his apartment and she was pretty much always there. This revelation hit me like a ton of bricks! For the whole month before he had been giving touch n go's. Helping more with chores around the house, a little more engaging in conversation, took more interest in the girls and my tots activities. We spent all xmas day together. I didn't read too much into though but who wouldn't at least think it was some progress. All to find out he was shacking up with OW.

We are supposed to be moving 100+ miles this year. Originally before all this MLC nonsense we were planning on going after his school year (he's a teacher). But since the BD and him moving out there was no point in the girls and I staying since moving meant being closer to my sister and more help with my girls. H and I had a handful of conversations regarding the move but of course in typical MLCer fashion never had any input other then whatever I thought was best. But he never waviered on the fact that regardless of what I decided he too would be moving too at then end of the school year.

SOOO fast forward to last week when I found out about the OW. That night we had already had scheduled a time to talk after the girls went down, before he left about "the move"... I handed him a letter with all my thoughts and feelings and it was pretty raw and intense. It was honest but also loving and supportive. (see old thread to read whole letter) It was all the things I had not gotten to say to him since the BD 1 year ago. After he read it we talked a few hours, nothing too profound. Just a lot of him talking about how screwed up he is. I communicated to him that as long as he was with OW we could not be friends.

The next day I asked him straight out "are we going to be able to be friends AKA are you going to continue your relationship?" He said he didn't know what he wanted but yes he thinks he will be continuing some version of the relationship just not sure what that looked like at the moment. From that moment on I committed to going completely dim unless it had to do with scheduling or an emergency with the girls.

The next morning I texted my landlord and copied H to let my landlord know that we would be moving April and Id be giving my 30 day notice with March's rent. That night I got an email from H right before he was due at our house to watch the girls because I had a late night client, that said that all of a sudden he is seeing things clearer and he does not like the man he sees in the mirror or the man he has been. The good thing is that he is able to see this and that means he is able to start the healing process and become the man he knows he can be. He promises he will get it figured out and make it happen. (it was like a 3 paragraph email). I was floored. Since many months before BD I have not heard him speak with any depth or emotion to me. I saw the man I use to know in this email for the first time in almost 2 years. I did not reply that night.

The next morning I woke up to another email saying " I ended things with her. I realized I need my daughters more then I need to breathe. I have made an obscene about of mistakes in my life but all of them combined do not add up to even 1% of what I have done to you and the girls."  I responded that the I am glad to hear all this for his sake. That the girls love him so very much and we are all standing behind him even if it may not feel like that at times.

Since then has been several times where he has cried big tears and has been very emotional when at the house with us. He has been communicating via text daily. Mainly friendly stuff some deeper stuff of how he's feeling positive and hopeful to change and do the hard work. He even texted my sister (who is my best friend) and apologized to her for the mistakes he made and promised her "he would spend the rest of his life making up for his behaviors." To which my sister gracefully replied that she loved him and wanted to see him get better because she knows hes a good person. And said she was there to help us in any way.

Yesterday he texted me asking if "somewhere down the road we could work hard together or did he destroy all hope?" My response was that "There is hope. We both would have to work really hard but I think we could have the life we originally set out to create. We have plenty of time if nothing else, please just take all the time you need." I did draw a boundary and said "the only 2 things at this point that could change that is if you have contact with OW or lie any more." To which he responded "ok, I understand."

Sooooooooo I am doing my very best to have zero expectations and reading reading reading all I can on awakening, reconnecting, and OW withdrawal. Although I have hope I am well aware that there is sooooooooo much more of this journey left for both him and myself. I plan to continue with my plans to move in April and he will move to the area in June/July. At this point the plan would be for him to still get his own place while we continue to connect. According to what I am reading after the OW withdrawal happens (which is hard because he works with her ugh) he will then cross into depression. I am already seeing the exhaustion all the time and the sleeplessness hes reporting and tearfulness. He is no stranger to depression but this feels different.

I know that tomorrow it can all be different and he could be right back in replay but I choose to stay in the moment and do what I can today. Which is let him take the lead but continue to encourage him to move along in his journey by my subtle presence.

Old thread link:
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5853.0
« Last Edit: January 22, 2016, 04:36:39 PM by Anjae »
M:33
H: 42 (not legally married)
D1: 4 yo
D2: almost 2 yo
BD: 02/14 (I was 6 months preg)
Moved out: 11/14 (I initiated it but he didn't fight it)
Boomerang- I assume because the girls. Despite his demons he still really tries to be consistent and present for our daughters.
1/15 OW confirmed and supposedly dumped
2/15 started reconnecting
4/15 moved 150 miles away together
Present- reconciled, very happy, and continuing to build

Offline long journey

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Oooooh careful. This might be real or it might just be extreme cycling. A lot of the time when they do these things they just had a really good fight with OW. Then after a couple of weeks they cool off and back to OW they go.

For your sake I hope that it is real, but I recommend take it slow and cautious. It is an excellent idea for him to get his own place, as often times bringing them home this early in replay may cause them to freak out. I actually think reconnection works better when they are living independently.

Offline HappierDaysAhead22Topic starterTopic starter

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Thank you LJ... I am so very cautious almost to the point I'm telling myself this just isn't real. It's all so overwhelming and soooooooo hard to just sit back and watch. I'm trying to encourage communication by some sharing. Nothing too much, like my feelings that this all feels like a dream and I'm afraid to wake. And that I'm uneasy that he still works with ow. Is that too much sharing? I also reiterated that he is not expected to be at the house now every night and not to feel bad on days he doesn't come. That he still needs to make this journey about him and figure out what he wants and needs as I  doing.  After getting that off my chest I feel more ok with now sitting back and watching and following his lead in all this.
M:33
H: 42 (not legally married)
D1: 4 yo
D2: almost 2 yo
BD: 02/14 (I was 6 months preg)
Moved out: 11/14 (I initiated it but he didn't fight it)
Boomerang- I assume because the girls. Despite his demons he still really tries to be consistent and present for our daughters.
1/15 OW confirmed and supposedly dumped
2/15 started reconnecting
4/15 moved 150 miles away together
Present- reconciled, very happy, and continuing to build

Offline HappierDaysAhead22Topic starterTopic starter

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~~ Journaling~~ Feedback always welcomes though  ;D

So my toddler came down with croup a couple nights ago. Yesterday morning on his way to work he dropped her off cough drops and when he got to work he called the nurse line to ask if she needed to be seen. I was in mandatory meetings all day and he made the call without me even asking or prompting. He made her an appointment for 230 and since I was unable to get off in time to get her there he took off work early. He stayed the night last night on the couch to help with the girls. This is the old H I know. A few weeks ago I really doubt he would of done more then make an appearance for a couple hours in the evening.

I keep thinking, not only am I overwhelmed with the processing of discovering the OW and learning just how serious it was but I am also overwhelmed with this crazy reconnecting process. What an emotional roller coaster. I am trying so very hard to just trust the process. I have not been so great at that but this morning I woke up committed to truly just sitting back, watching it unfold, letting H take the lead, and getting back to my life. In one week my life got flipped upside down yet again. I think a week of emotional havoc is more then acceptable lol.

I sense H is going through OW withdrawal. As he is still following through and being present physically, emotionally he seems checked out. He is much different now though. Warm again but distant, genuine but guarded.

I never imagine the reconnecting stage could be so draining and crazy making!

I know I need to continue to have zero expectations (I'm working hard at that) and continue on with my plans and life (which I am doing 100%) but please do not tell me there is anything wrong with keeping hopes high. Hope is all that has gotten me through this mess the last year. I know that he can be just hardcore cycling and there is a high probability he will run back to OW but my boundaries are clear and all I can do is keep to them but continue to encourage him down his journey of healing. He will not be invited to move back home even though the help would be amazing!! I 100% understand how important it is that he continue through all the stages before he is whole. I don't think he has even been a whole person so if he makes it out the other end it will be incredible!

Anyway... in short, OW still out of the picture, H's word have decreased but his actions highly increased. I can live with that for today and feel good about it!
M:33
H: 42 (not legally married)
D1: 4 yo
D2: almost 2 yo
BD: 02/14 (I was 6 months preg)
Moved out: 11/14 (I initiated it but he didn't fight it)
Boomerang- I assume because the girls. Despite his demons he still really tries to be consistent and present for our daughters.
1/15 OW confirmed and supposedly dumped
2/15 started reconnecting
4/15 moved 150 miles away together
Present- reconciled, very happy, and continuing to build

Offline Dji76

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I have no experience with reconnection but it sounds like you are handling it great. I can't imagine the rollerccoaster of learning about ow and then a possible reconnection just a few days later! I have no advice so I'm simply offering my support for you and your family.

Offline HappierDaysAhead22Topic starterTopic starter

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Thank you DJ.. It means a lot. I feel like patience is all I can do right now and support is all I can ask from others right now. All in good time we will see where this leads.

Day #8: As of this day and moment his actions are matching.
M:33
H: 42 (not legally married)
D1: 4 yo
D2: almost 2 yo
BD: 02/14 (I was 6 months preg)
Moved out: 11/14 (I initiated it but he didn't fight it)
Boomerang- I assume because the girls. Despite his demons he still really tries to be consistent and present for our daughters.
1/15 OW confirmed and supposedly dumped
2/15 started reconnecting
4/15 moved 150 miles away together
Present- reconciled, very happy, and continuing to build

Offline Strongcurrent

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Just wishing you guys the best of luck with your reconnection

SC

Offline stayed

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Quite honestly Happier, I didn't know we had gotten through the reconnection and were actually reconciling until years down the road.  It is very hard not to be super cautious and guarded.  So much so, you really do not trust what you think might be happening. 

It was while looking backward that it dawned on me... (a good 3 years later)... oh my goodness, I think we made it! 

Other people have been much more optimistic and willing to declare victory sooner then I was, but I noticed that wondering was a lot like me, I'm not sure she has declared they are RECONCILED yet? 

No panic.  Go ahead with whatever plans you had made.  If he wants to have a marriage with you, he will follow along.

Hugs Stayed
Married 42yrs.
Reconciled July 5, 2006

"Don't be so open minded your brains fall out".  by Stephen A. Kallis, Jr.
"We believe marriage is sacred, but it is not our job to save marriages; it is our goal to empower each of you to save your own marriage."

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Offline HappierDaysAhead22Topic starterTopic starter

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Thanks for checking in Stayed, it means a lot.

Journaling~~

Day 12:
Its been 12 days since he broke it off with OW and had what appears to be an "awakening" and declared what a mistake he's been making.

Since my last posting there has not been another word uttered about the whole situation but is actions continue to speak loudly. Both of our girls fell really sick the last week and he camped out on the couch with the baby monitor to help me get some sleep an tended to the toddler while I manned the baby.

He is still distant but each day he seems to be coming closer and closer. I completely do not pursue and let him initiate contact which he does several times a day to check in on me and the girls or to let me know randomly what he's up to. This is very helpful in easing my crazy racing mind that he has run back to OW.

Ive been following his lead and mirroring him in conversation. When he is silly and playful in his texts I play back but let him initiate and usually am the first to stop responding. I'm doing my best to appreciate each day and moment for what it is because boy where we in a totally different place just 2-3 weeks ago.

Still working daily on not allowing myself to get lost in terrible images and thoughts of H and OW and it seems to get sllllllightly better each day. I read on the forum any chance I get and read through all of Patience threads and WOW that has been a wealth of knowledge and strength for me. HB was so thorough in her guidance I took in every word and try daily to be the model student. I might be thee most impatience person in the whole world so not pushing during this time is proving to be so so hard. I'm not looking to push for info on OW or anything like that, I just want to know where he is, where his head is. He dumped all these feels and epiphanies on me and then bam.... not.a.word.   Well not a word in regards to the situation or the likes. I know no pushing, at least not at this moment. He is still in OW withdrawal I'm sure of that so I shall just let him process process process and stand as the safe place for landing.

He did give me an inclination that he has been in thought about what his plans are and what he wants to do moving forward. He said the other night that since we are moving in April and he wont be following until June, he was thinking about breaking his lease on his apartment (he got in Nov with obvious intentions to house OW) and just rent a room for the remainder of the time to save $$. That was refreshing to hear for a couple reasons. 1) saving money at this point is so important for our family since we are making such HUGE changes and quitting jobs and such, and more importantly 2) it shows that he really (at least in these moments) has no intentions of starting things back up with OW. He wants to downsize to a room where he would likely not be allowed guests. That brought a smile to my soul in the moment. Of course I know that can all change in a matter of a weakened moment, I am no fool. BUT as for now things are what they are and he is still where he said he was, moving towards healing.

I have done a ton of self reflection in the last week and I feel so much stronger then I did just a week ago. I feel confident in my decision to quit my job and move 100 miles away to be close to my sister and start my own practice. I know only good things are to come from that. I remind myself daily there is a very hard road ahead the next year or 2 whether it be the road to Recon or the road to truly separating. Either way, I see both stories ending happily and a new, stronger, courageous woman standing tall in the end. I cannot predict where this story will go but I know I am the driver of my own destination and at this moment i chose to continue to stand, be patient, follow H's lead in the reconnection process BUT still continue on the path that I have paved for myself and my daughters.

My new matra:
" Continue my path and he will either do the work and catch up or he won't,  but either way I will be amazing!!! It feels good to remind myself this, especially when I'm feeling anxious or worried about us and where he is in the journey. I have to let him be on his journey and focus on mine.

I've encouraged him to continue to take care of himself and not worry about the girls and I. Before this MLC he!! I may not have meant that 100%, but now I absolutely do. He is no good to me or my daughters if he doesn't learn to love and be good to himself. This is what got him into this mess. His toxic shame has cause him to self loathe which in turn numbed him from any kind of agape and I don't want a man who cannot receive my love because that just means he cannot give me love. I see that now and I deserve more. I love hard and I want to be loved hard in return. Rest assure folks this pain has not jaded me from continuing to love hard in the future. Whether it is him or someone new I will choose to love hard even if the outcome is horrendous pain. Pain I will sadly be very familiar with. But to love any less would be an absolute waste. I just hope like he!! H will do the hard work laid out in front of him so he can reap the rewards of alllllll the love I have to give. If not, Mr. Joe Shmoe will be the lucky guy  ;)

So I was thinking back on a few convos H and I had when he was deep in replay (deeper then I ever imagine). That hindsight you all talk about REAL! Anyway... H said something that I thought would be a helpful tid bit into the mind of a MLCer in the throes of replay.

He was reflecting on some of the things he was noticing about himself (he has ALWAYS ALWAYS been amazingly insightful even in MLCland) and he said that if someone wanted him to do something and kept pressing it he felt like it was a vice around his neck and he would resist at all cost (Stupid example he gave was the people at work wanted him to eat a donut because they thought it was weird that every week he would be the only one not to eat a donut. Well he knows and I know he loves him a maple bar, but since these coworkers were trying to "make him" eat one he absolutely refused and said come hell or high water he was NOT going to ever eat a donut in front of them). Seriously... This is what he told me ladies and gentleman. This is the mind of a MLCer. So interpret it as any type of pressure he will automatically push back and refuse to oblige at all cost. We LBS' know the importance of no pressure but this is proof that these MLCers rebuke any type of pressure no matter who delves it out regardless what it about. Donut... really dude!!!!!!!!! #crazytown

Thought ya'll might get a kick out of that.

Well I promise to continue to make mental notes of things he says and post them here as nuggets of looks inside the mind of a MLCer. I think its fascinating!
M:33
H: 42 (not legally married)
D1: 4 yo
D2: almost 2 yo
BD: 02/14 (I was 6 months preg)
Moved out: 11/14 (I initiated it but he didn't fight it)
Boomerang- I assume because the girls. Despite his demons he still really tries to be consistent and present for our daughters.
1/15 OW confirmed and supposedly dumped
2/15 started reconnecting
4/15 moved 150 miles away together
Present- reconciled, very happy, and continuing to build

Offline bipolared

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Hey HDA22-I think they are fascinating too when they happen to have somewhat coherent thoughts.  You sound really good and strong.  Brave as well to schedule a move with 2 little ones!  I think it will be a really good thing to be near your sister, she will be a great help.  Hoping that everything goes well and smoothly for you.
 
I'm not looking for my other half because I'm not half a person.

 

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