[Thundarr]

She's not sure now?  Mine never wavered, although she would go months without bringing it up or making any movement on it.  To this day I have yet to hear one word of regret or second-guessing herself on whether or not she made the best decision of her life.  She sometimes even recites the mantra "I'm the happiest I've ever been" like a brain-dead zombie even still........

[sleepless]

She's not sure now?  Mine never wavered, although she would go months without bringing it up or making any movement on it.  To this day I have yet to hear one word of regret or second-guessing herself on whether or not she made the best decision of her life.  She sometimes even recites the mantra "I'm the happiest I've ever been" like a brain-dead zombie even still........

Same XW here.

Husband gone, friends gone, OM family hates her, loss of coworker respect, job in jeopardy, loss of financial security, distancing from kids, kids in IC, happiest she's ever been. Pretty obvious something just isn't clicking.

[Mad Hatter]

As discussed in the past it seems men "give up" on their MLCer quicker than women. I can feel my logical brain going through the process mad hatter listed in a previous post... I feel the need for movement in my situation. Bein only 7 mo post bd I know it's early. She lives alone and there is no affair partner anymore though I suspect she may be sleeping around. So my question to is how do you guys keep your ego in check?? Mine got the best of me the other day and I actually called her and said I was ready to file for divorce is she was 100% sure that's what she wanted. Low and behold after months of threatening it now she's not sure?!? For those of you gentlemen that did initiate your divorce did you still love your wife at that time?

You will probably always have some memories of what once was. Those special moments in time that you will treasure forever. Keep those, because that woman doesn't exist anymore. That's the woman you love / loved.

With that in mind, the answer to your question is no! When I finally confronted her and ask for the divorce, it had all been burnt out!

Not sure how to respond to the ego question, but if you mean the thought of her cheating, I eventually became numb to it and eventually didn't care. It was at that point the love was permanently gone and I realized I was standing for a ghost!

[MyBrainIsBroken]

I keep my ego in check by reminding myself that she is lost and confused, that she's changed, that she's not the person I was married to for so long, and that this is not about me, it's about her. Plus it helps that I have a heavy bag hanging in the garage whenever I need it. 

[honour]

For those of you gentlemen that did initiate your divorce did you still love your wife at that time?

Yes I did still love my W at the time. It was agony. Several years later and I can say without any doubt that divorcing was the right course of action. Life is no longer agony, life is much better.

[ruggedendurance]

Quote from: Dji76 on February 04, 2015, 12:42:14 PM

    For those of you gentlemen that did initiate your divorce did you still love your wife at that time?

She initiated the d almost immediately upon leaving.    She found a "new best friend" that was going through her own MLC and decided that a d would fix everything in her life.

At bd she was at the height of monster............  completely insane.

In my desperate search for answers.    I found  HS and realized that she HAD to do whatever she was going to do..

That and the fact that she convinced me......... that she was positive.......... being married to me was the ONLY problem she had in life.

I figured it was best to let her get on with her new life......

It was the most difficult thing I have ever done.    It literally destroyed me when it became final.

As it stands now?    I am happy I did it.    It didn't make me happy for quite some time.   But.   All the while I could see advantages to the d.      She could no longer blame me for destroying her quest to live in a land of unicorns and perpetual rainbows........
 
I have to admit.     The d wasn't the end of the drama.   If anything.   It got totally insane soon after the d........

I didn't realize she was in an affair when she left.    Even though I suspected.

She was hot and heavy with this jackwagon immediately after the d and then............. within a few short weeks, some ugly interactions with me,  a restraining order against me, which ended with me spending three days in jail..............

Things became "real" to her at that point.

She had played her two trump cards.     Divorce and restraining order.

She had nothing else to play.

The affair was wrapped up within a couple of months.   I would say it lasted four months total.

I haven't seen her in two years.     I have zero communications with her.

Although.   I get information.

Being the half a$$ed detective I am.    I can follow from afar.   (not a great detective, my boys tell me what she is up to)

Currently.    She is living in an apartment with an older lady with medical problems.     Her "big social event" consists of bingo on Tuesday.

I'm assuming.    She has found the true value in the magical life she had been chasing.

As for me?   At this point?

It was the best thing I could have done.    I feel that it moved me along much faster by "ripping the band aid off" and letting this thing move along.

I am not sure it is for everybody..........   I know my xw.     She has a head like concrete.    I could see that she had spent a great deal of time justifying this MLC in her brain.    It was going to take some heavy equipment and dynamite charges to get through to her.

I would venture to guess.    Today.    She has a new perspective. 

If I thought there was a better way.    Believe me.    I would have tried it.   

It boils down to your situation and your understanding of the person you are dealing with.

A-  I did love her at the time I signed the papers.    I still hold love for the woman I married.

B-  I hate the destructive monster she has been for the last couple of years.

I have waffled/cycled repeatedly on a decision to ever allow her back into my life again.

When I look at it logically?    After what she has done?    There is NO LOGICAL REASON to take her back!

But..........   I have 30yrs of very good memories tied up in her concrete head.   

And I've learned that I value family above all other things.   I value my opinion above all others and nothing I do is contingent on any other input.   

Because of HS and the rest of the information I've gathered.   I have reason to believe this is a necessary event to her mental development.     

This whole process has been the ugliest, most difficult, vile, disgusting thing I can imagine anybody going through.

But it didn't kill me.   

And it is true.     You will get stronger.

I will say this.    I will NEVER go back to the old marriage.   Living with a person that suffers depression was amazingly damaging to me personally.  And. I won't take her back if she isn't fully cooked.   

If it is true.   They come through this and they are the best version of themselves?    Then I am anxiously waiting for her best version.

Now that she been gone this long.    I can see everything for what it was.
 
So.    Nothing is ever "cut and dried" until it actually is.........




   

[Thundarr]

Rugged,

I could have wrote much of what you did, everything from her being bat$h!te crazy at BD to things not turning out at all like she probably expected.  Funny how the real world works like that, isn't it?  As I look back I'm actually glad the D happened in a way as I'm much more financially stable and am able to protect the kiddos much better than I was before.  Hard to believe it's been two years for me since the D was final, but it protected me MUCH more than it hurt me.  She had started it BEFORE BD apparently and trumpeted the glory of D to everyone who would listen, but now she is in a downsized apartment and S10 said she has mentioned downsizing her car for a cheaper one.  I guess she will eventually end up living in a cardboard box under a bridge with only a shopping cart for wheels, but even then I'm sure she will tell anyone that will listen that she's "The Happiest She's Ever Been."  God, I hate that phrase!

[OldPilot]

Rugged,

I could have wrote much of what you did, everything from her being bat$hit crazy at BD to things not turning out at all like she probably expected.  Funny how the real world works like that, isn't it?  As I look back I'm actually glad the D happened in a way as I'm much more financially stable

AMEN
Same for me!.

I am also glad that I let her do all the work and I can look my children in the face and say I did nothing to help out this divorce.

She wanted it and she got it.

It cost a lot of money to try to stop it and that was totally unsuccessful.
I can live with that, although maybe it is not the best advice,
and I should have LET GO faster, and saved more $$$$$.

In the end we all do what we feel is the best thing!

[Thundarr]

Rugged,

I could have wrote much of what you did, everything from her being bat$hit crazy at BD to things not turning out at all like she probably expected.  Funny how the real world works like that, isn't it?  As I look back I'm actually glad the D happened in a way as I'm much more financially stable

AMEN
Same for me!.

I am also glad that I let her do all the work and I can look my children in the face and say I did nothing to help out this divorce.

She wanted it and she got it.

It cost a lot of money to try to stop it and that was totally unsuccessful.
I can live with that, although maybe it is not the best advice,
and I should have LET GO faster, and saved more $$$$$.

In the end we all do what we feel is the best thing!

Double AMEN to what you wrote.  I turned not one finger to help her with the D, and stood my ground even on trivial matters just because.  As it turned out the longer I waited the more concessions she made, and I ended up getting everything I wanted (and more) and STILL did not sign it and forced her to get the judge to in order to make it official.  I'm sure he was probably pretty surprised to see that a D so lopsided and that the one who benefitted the most was not the one signing as she conceded everything up to and including the kitchen sink (and furniture, and retirement, and 99% of shared belongings).  I truly did not lose one single thing in the D that I would have wanted to keep.

Except her.

[Braveheart]

I caught a lot of grief for my "Not Standing" when I first started posting here. Each of us has their own process to go through, but in my own case As much as I loved her, I had been down this road before and knew it was over when the OM was uncovered. At that point I concentrated in making life as normal as possible for my kids and rebuilding my own.

I still cherish the many happy times the X and I spent together, as really only the last six months of our marriage turned to crap, but as she was a vanisher it was pretty much like that woman died at BD. The woman I see now I don't even recognize...Almost four years out from BD I've made all kinds of positive changes in myself, her, from what I hear is still about where she was at BD.