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Author Topic: Discussion What are your triggers and how do you get through them

r
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Discussion What are your triggers and how do you get through them
OP: March 02, 2015, 11:27:38 AM
I'm sure we've all got them. TRIGGERS!

Mine

New clothes or shoes. Hey I know we all need them at some point,but that's what set off this discussion. He bought two new pairs of pants,one was a pair of plain jeans,the other some khakis,a new polo shirt,nothing fancy and some black,plain dress shoes. So he can look professional when he does this new career thing..Simple things right unless you're one of us. Well he wore the shoes today instead of his boots today to class. That's all it took.

Then there's the whitening toothpaste,and mouth wash stuff that goes with it because he doesn't like his teeth that look like corn kernels. He's also mentioned implants and said I should check it out too. Again simple things rights? We both have crappy teeth.

Then there's facebook,cell phones,computers. The typical thing. Motorcycles, Viagra and Cialis commercials, dating site commercials,certain restaurants he doesn't know I know about, hair coloring for men,pool halls,campers and I'm sure there are more.

I am learning to ignore as much as possible but sometimes it just sneaks up and bites me in the butt.
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Me 53
H (whatever he is) 55
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet
Home 2019,rebuilding
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Re: What are your triggers and how do you get through them
#1: March 02, 2015, 12:56:03 PM
It isn't easy to get passed the triggers when you are still dealing with the Mlcer..
Once you get away from them you start healing from all of this.

I am still triggered by a few things. And I'm almost 2 years of no contact.
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There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.What you allow continues.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.
M
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Re: What are your triggers and how do you get through them
#2: March 02, 2015, 01:24:20 PM
I was with my wife for 36 years. Just about everything from when I wake to when I go to sleep are triggers. I could give you a list of the worst triggers but it would be a very long list. The very worst triggers right now are going to the mailbox (don't want to hear from divorce lawyer) and the thought of her driving in the driveway. And I unfriended her on FB and she recently blocked me, yet I still can't stand going on FB.
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M

MsT

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Re: What are your triggers and how do you get through them
#3: March 02, 2015, 04:10:06 PM
Coconuts. Coconut is one of my favorite flavors and I used to tease my youngest daughter that she was beyond nuts, she was coconuts, and it just kind of stuck. When I found all the inappropriate texts between crazy eyes and his boss lady, he had changed her contact name in his phone to "coconuts". My special nickname for our daughter. Now anytime I see a coconut anything, my stomach drops out my knees.
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after he’s through this crisis, wait five years, take out a wooden paddle and whack him on the ass for doing this to you!
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Re: What are your triggers and how do you get through them
#4: March 02, 2015, 05:19:40 PM
For me it is music.  The first thing I noticed with my H was his complete change of music that still sets me off.

He started listening to hard rock music I always liked but he hated...just noise to him.  He would sit on the computer for hours downloading music like from Disturbed or Godsmack.  Songs about dividing or wild women in bars...dragging a guy from the bar to the her back seat of her car. 

It was so unnerving from a man who loved 70's music and country.
He is back to that kind of music now but occasionally he will buy a song that sets me off.

Latest was a few day ago.  Mississippi Moonshine by Saving Abel.

I've been watching you,
 And your intentions to
 Get me out on the floor

 Undress me with your eyes
 To see a sweet surprise
 I know I've been here before

 You think I'm runnin across the room
 Just to be by your side
 You gotta another thing comin
 Cause I'm not runnin
 Just to wait and stand
 Next in line
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."
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Re: What are your triggers and how do you get through them
#5: March 02, 2015, 05:38:42 PM
I changed the music I listen to entirely from what the ex thought EVERYBODY should listen to. It helped a lot. I don't run a FAN anymore to SLEEP..that drove me nuts for 32 years. Certain make cars trip triggers. I still can't STAND the smell or possibly eating Chinese food. Names sometimes trip triggers.

How people treat me if it reminds me of the way he did? I have a tough time holding my anger. I put up with a woman for 5 months at work and finally told her the other night she is a b*tch.

She said " WELL maybe I'll stop talking to you then" and I said to her " THAT would be GREAT!"
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« Last Edit: March 02, 2015, 06:19:30 PM by in it »
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.What you allow continues.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.
t
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Re: What are your triggers and how do you get through them
#6: March 02, 2015, 06:16:28 PM
I have so many.
Trigger - the new clothes he bought while away
Dealing - I throw one thing away a week. I figure h won't notice. Lol. I know it's wrong but I can't stop myself.

T - big 4x4 trucks
D- at first I'd cry every time I saw one. Now I just flirt with every guy in one.

T - certain tv shows
D- I rarely watch tv anymore

T- country music
D- I refuse to listen to it

T- the name sherry
D- anything that has that name gets tossed out immediately. I threw away a prized Louis lamore book of his because that name was in it. Yes h is aware I did that. Lol

T - his phones
D- I'm not sure if I'm actually dealing with it so much as ignoring it
And the list goes on. But it's better than when all this started. I've made different things my interests and my own now so slowly those other things are taking a backseat and the triggers are getting easier well some of them.
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BD Feb 2014
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Re: What are your triggers and how do you get through them
#7: March 02, 2015, 08:30:32 PM
My triggers are music he likes. Also meeting couples married for over 20 yrs makes me get twisted in knots. I meet them all the time at my new job. Rich retirees married over 20 yrs buying homes in cash. They have all the things I have lost: my marriage, my money, my security. Other triggeRe: wine bc he is a wine snob. His friends on FB are triggers. Hence I just deleted a bunch of them. Wedding bands are also a trigger bc I look down and realize mine is missing. Sucks  Triggers suck
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The Troubles-U2, I have a will for survival...your not my troubles anymore...

"They weren't all that special, it was our love for them that made them special"-- a fellow Hero Spouse LBS
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Re: What are your triggers and how do you get through them
#8: March 02, 2015, 09:13:45 PM
Big white trucks...this is new to me & them things are freakin' everywhere!

His sport teams...there's a sweatshirt that is one of these viral sale things that I really want to buy for him. I should just buy it and get it over with & even if I didn't give it to him that $40 would keep me from wondering if I should do it or not.

Being in town on a Fri or Sat night... I miss our date nights.

Antique shops...this one is getting better as I go with the kids now.

People holding hands or walking arm in arm...we always walked arm in arm.
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Re: What are your triggers and how do you get through them
#9: March 03, 2015, 12:56:09 AM
For probably close to two years I couldn't watch any sort of intimacy on TV or in movies.  Felt so stupid - I mean, what does that leave?  Frat house comedies and Judge Judy?   ;D ;D ;D  I was never a prude but the infidelity has hit me like a ton of bricks and just changed me.  But I have noticed recently, 3.5 years in, I'll get through a show or a movie and realize that I didn't get triggered, so I guess some healing has happened at a subconscious level.  I didn't try to push my way through it but I didn't want to wallow, either. 
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