[Blindsided13]

Airmid,
My H accumulated 45K in debt in 4 mos. I am sure there is more, that I haven't found out about. He won't be able to keep it up, going out to dinner, the trips... especially now with a baby, and our daughter going to college next year. Although I think he has cashed out our kids college plans and UTMAs.

I agree with TNT, it is exciting, it is NEW, they are going out doing things, he started drinking, and socializing, (he is an introvert, so that won't last). They live in a crappy apartment, and really have no responsibilities, until now. I think once reality sets in, they do get to that OH $HIT, moment.

Not sure how exciting the sex was in the beginning, since he was having issues, he kindly told me he went to a psychiatrist who advised him it is probably because of the guilt, and maybe he is just use to me, maybe I could help. .... You can't make this up.

[Airmid]

I hear you TinTN -
I saw your BD was one month before mine.
So I would say this to the both of us - 6-7 months is too soon to really see what will happen.
I still shake my head thinking about my MLCer's situation - living 75 miles away from OW - commuting on weekends - spending midweek at crappy attic bachelor's pad in crappy area of NYC (which he pays $1400/mo).  But he did tell me he bought a rowing machine and has it in his flat.  Wow that makes his midweek experience a "winner". 

[Airmid]

Not sure how exciting the sex was in the beginning, since he was having issues, he kindly told me he went to a psychiatrist who advised him it is probably because of the guilt, and maybe he is just use to me, maybe I could help. .... You can't make this up.

OMG BlindSided - LOL - really - he is blaming his ED on you too!!!!???
I think you should send him this...https://www.fleshlight.com 

[Howmanytimes]

I think with my H and OW to start with it was all exciting and he seemed happy enough when he used to call around although in the early days he showed sadness at our marriage ending.

I noticed over the coming months that he didn't seem so happy.  Now I find out that she has been very selfish and cannot cook even though she is 63.  Most women of that age can cook. 

She has shown herself to be controlling and it has finally got through to him that she is a control freak. She opened a letter from his Solicitor that had the Solicitors name franked on the envelope and was marked Private & Confidential.  She then went to on shout and argue with him about its contents .  It's these types of things that eventually get through our MLC heads and they start to see what the OP is really like.

So in the beginning it's all fun and games and they are playing house but as time wears on reality hits and it's a case of the grass is no longer greener.

[Head.Held.High]

I agree with the others about the "fun" and "exciting" part.  When I met my H, it was "fun" and "exciting" at first.  After a year of dating and then me moving in with him, reality hit.  He was a homebody.  Didn't like going out, didn't like doing anything other than laying on the couch watching TV, cartoons A LOT and had zero friends.  I was really turned off.

I am a social person, like having friends and family around, like going out and trying new things and taking trips.  I finally had a sit down with him and explained this to him and he started to go do some things with me.  Other's I just did by myself, or myself and the kids.

H's OW has 3 children of which she's never raised.  She left all 3 to their 3 fathers and went on he merry way.  This confuses me as my H said one of the things that attracted him to me was how good of a mother I am.

In the beginning of all this, when OW was mentioned he would state she's self centered and greedy.  Mid way he would defend her to a certain degree.  I know she works odd hours and there's not much time they could spend doing things because he likes his naps in the afternoon and she goes to bed by 8:30.  She hates cigarettes and alcohol, and he partakes in both.

I'm sure all these things were hidden by his mask in the beginning.  I know he has complained quite a bit about her being bossy, controlling and childish to mutual business associates/friends for the last 3-4 months of 2014.  All of them tell me that he has nothing but good things to say about me.  That I'm the best woman he's ever known and how lucky he is to have me.  WHAT??

My H also spent quite a bit of $$ on OW.  Close to $50K that I have been able to track so far.  And I do know this isn't her first rodeo with a married man.

Was/is he happy with her?  Maybe the idea of the new, fresh meat.  But in the end, he will find that I'm the one that would have always stood by him and always had his back.

I sometimes wish him happiness.  But then I think to myself...  I can't wait to see him crash and burn.  I know that's mean but I have to keep in perspective what he's done to me and our family.

[bookwrmmom]

Hmmm where do I begin??? H met OW on Thanksgiving weekend 2013 while he was out of town for work. They carried on an EA over the phone until he left on 2/17/14. The PA lasted until approximately November 2014. During this time they broke up at least once and I suspect more then that. He caught her dead to rights cheating on him with at least one other man by May 2014 (she was also sleeping with her own H-so OW was busy w/3 men). He said she was emotionally disturbed in May 2014 when she tried to commit suicide. By August H had lost his high paying job, and was unemployed. He then moved to the state she lives in, and remained unemployed for several months. H lost every thing he owns because he could not afford it (which includes a brand new home that was almost complete). I have no idea what caused the demise of their LOVE affair, because H won't say. My wise male friends here at HS said it is probably that age old love story.....he loses it all over her, and she leaves for a man who has some money.
So I would have to say life with the OW was pretty sucktastic.....just my humble opinion.

[MeNow]

.... After I found out she was pregnant, I wouldn't let him get away with that, although now he says he has no clue what I am talking about when I mention his new son.
...

  Are you freaking kidding me?  Denying that he got his OW pregnant even when there is flesh and blood PROOF?

UN@#$%BELIEVABLE.

-T

This is the ultimate in crazy making. Hey don't believe your eyes, believe what I'm saying!

[barbiedoll]

Here is my 2 cents worth. My husband back in the house over a year now and has NEVER changed his story and as you can imagine .. it has been talked about plenty . I suspect, my lack of trust makes me unable to believe him. The "OW".... he says , she made him feel admired , appreciated , wanted and did not judge him. He says " sex was sex "... no mind blowing hang from the chandelers. It was just sex . He will say it was exciting initially , to be with some one new and to feel he was "okay". She smiled and was excited to see him.. made him feel good and someone thought he was a great person, when everything was completely out of control. He liked to feeling of doing nice things for her because she was very very happy. ( she is actually "simple "... but okay ) . I have a very hard time believing the sex thing ... but , he swears it . Also, he has made an odd statement to the therapist. He , at times , pretended or "felt " like it was ME . He took her to all our favorite places and did the exact same things with her , that he did with me . My mouth fell open... you thought "she " was " ME". ?? Insulting ... wierd . Shrink says she has heard that befor. He said he had her so he could " feel anything ". He cared about NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING ... and she atleast made him feel something . However , he said NEVER was he happy, he never intended to build a life with her , never thought past the next 3 minutes . He dropped her instantly, 100% , never had any contact with her and says he does not miss or think about her for 1 second ( except when I keep bringing her up. ) . She on the other hand , told him she loved him, wanted him to move in and was changing her work schedule around to be with him and asked him " when can we tell your kids "... this started the process of him " snapping " out of it . When she talked in permanent terms or future ideas , his voice in his head said " wtf am I doing ". He started to see she was a drinker and did not care about her kids . He says " there was never ever a discussion about ME , his marriage or our relationship". He never told her a thing and she never dared to ask . HUH?  Now , she was on probation for assaulting her husband, absolutely had a relationship with my girls ( she did not give a sh%t about them ) and her 1 and only sister committed suicide and she never even mentioned it to my husband (!!!) . So.. how much of an affair down was this ? I am embarrassed for him. This is part of his story and he stick to it !

[HeartTattoo]

The "OW".... he says , she made him feel admired , appreciated , wanted and did not judge him.

He says " sex was sex "... no mind blowing hang from the chandelers. It was just sex . He will say it was exciting initially , to be with some one new and to feel he was "okay"....I have a very hard time believing the sex thing ... but , he swears it .

Barbie,

A lot of what you say here rings true to me.  I don't know much about my H & his OW's R & they are still quite bonded after a long affair & two years of post-BD cohabitation, unlike your situation.

However, one of the internet R guru's (don't remember which) has written that the adulterer is addicted to the approval, admiration, & sex the OW gives.  I would bet that the approval/admiration part is even stronger & more addicting than the sex.  MLCers are numb & dead inside & somehow the attentions of this random OP lights a spark that (as RCR has said) feels like a miracle, because they are feeling nothing else.

I don't have a hard time believing what your H says about the sex at all.  As shattered, betrayed LBS's I think we may focus too much on the sex (I know, I know, it is a punch in the gut), but I think this is the truth.  Exciting at first, secretive & scary, & makes the d!ck feel like a teenager again.  But briefly, very briefly.  Then it's routine.  And she's no longer so eager & he's not a teenager anymore & gets tired & maybe things don't work as well as they used to & maybe they'd both just rather watch TV.

Also, he has made an odd statement to the therapist. He , at times , pretended or "felt " like it was ME . He took her to all our favorite places and did the exact same things with her , that he did with me .

How many of us are puzzled by the OW bearing some resemblance to us?  And usually in a less attractive way--more puzzlement.  My H's OW is as fat as I was pre-LBS weight loss.  An old friend who knows the OW described her as me with dark hair.  They all seem to retrace our tracks with the OW--vacation spots, favorite restaurants, etc.  They feel "unhappy" & emotionally detached from us, but now they find the OP who makes them feel something, so maybe they can just substitute one for the other & have everything fixed. 

He says " there was never ever a discussion about ME , his marriage or our relationship". He never told her a thing and she never dared to ask .

This I have a hard time believing.  If MLC makes them so "unhappy in their M" then this has to come up in the MLCer/OP conversation.  They can't justify this thing without blaming us & explaining that to the OP.  And the OP wants to know all this so they can justify this whole thing to themself.  To me this is almost on par with the sex.  The betrayal of intimate details of a M that belong only between the two people in the M.  A sickening, gut wrenching betrayal.

Thanks for sharing the inside info, Barbie.  Always interesting to get reports from the dark side.

Hugs,
HT

[Anjae]

We have several other threads about the OW/OM:

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5664.0 - The OM/OW - Alienator - Are We Kinding Ourselves? II

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=2236.0 - OW/OM 2

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1701.0 - The Alienator - Many Questions cont'd...

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=30.0 - Questions about the affair/OM/OW

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5689.0 - The "other women " and sexual intimacy ... my nightmare