[Picton]

I think Op's are like candy to mlcers - the sugar is addictive but they are hollow calories. They get a "sugar" high from them in the sort term but over time all that happens is that the mlcer gets cavities - starts to rot from the inside out. Don't be mistaken that all is good with our mlcers - just by looking at someone you don't see the cavities (rot) but that doesn't mean that there isn't a lot of pain on the inside.
Also for us that  have mlcers who self medicate with alcohol this is another form of hollow calories.
Living off this "diet" is unsustainable.

Kia Kaha - stay strong

[hopeandfaith]

I am seeing this addiction play out at work.  An MLCer left his wife of 17 years and 2 kids to be with a colleague.  She is about 10 years younger and they are in that early rush of infatuation.  Everyone knows whats going on at work but they are both still trying to be respectable and keep it secret.  They had quite the flirt fest in my office the other day and I nearly puked.  I want to tell them both I know but haven't figured out how to do this without dipping someone else in the crap (because she is the only one they've told).

At this point in time, the secrecy is fuelling the fantasy.  They are both scrambling to be popular which on the outside may look like they are finally happy and getting their lives together.  To me, I know they are seeking approval.  My very astute colleague is even taken in by them at this point and said "I don't know, maybe it will work".  That's how convincing these guys are without even saying anything.  It's because they totally believe it right now. 

As much as it is very uncomfortable for me to have to deal with both of them and still be professional, I get to peek into this other world and can see that this situation is a house of cards like no other.  I find myself thinking, I hope his wife can just back off for a little while and pretend he is in a coma because he needs to do this part without her going beserk and spurring them on.  The 2 of them need to be ignored because that would be the biggest hit to their ego's right now and there is absolutely no use trying to hold them accountable because they are not in the right space for it.

I get the very distinct impression that his wife really holds all the cards here but I know from being on the other side of this that we DO NOT KNOW this at the time.  She is the one with the history and this will be terrifying to the OW.  The OW in this situation is one of those ones that will kill the soul of the wife because she does not look like an affair down.  She is smart, sexy and intelligent but she is also controlling and kind of scary if you get on the wrong side of her.

I will make sure I report more as the situation between these 2 pretenders gets uglier because it WILL get uglier.

[Sha10613]

Hopeandfaith, that's awful.  I have also witnessed it all play out in real life. Sad.

My H's best friend at work went through a MLC.  I only realized this after BD    He was married for 10 or so years, and had a 2 year old daughter at the time when he bombed his wife.  I remember he had told my H that they had mutually decided to split and that they both just lost feelings. Yeah sure!  Immediately after, he started dating one of their female co-workers - I mean, IMMEDIATELY after.  Obviously something was going on prior to BD. He also started smoking cigarettes... and I remember my H saying, 'Who the hell starts smoking cigarettes at 40, I gotta talk to that guy'. My H's friend was clearly going though some 'changes'. Anyway, his wife was livid when she found out that he was seeing someone already, and was very revengeful apparently (according to what my H's friend told him  . 

H's friend and OW dated for 2 years, and then she started pushing for him to get a D and marry her.  We went out with them a couple of times and I remember her saying, 'It's about time already. What are you waiting for? Why haven't you D'd her already?' I pretended I didn't hear    My H pretended he didn't hear either

They started living together and after about a year he D'd his wife and then they got married shortly after - maybe 6 months afterwards?!  They looked happy at the wedding, she got pregnant, they had a baby, and about 1 year after that both looked miserable.  My H reported that she was never home anymore and that they spent no time together, according to his friend. 

After BD, my H told me that it was this friend, who repeatedly said, 'You're making a big mistake!  I don't agree with what you're doing', when he told him that he had ended things with me.... I guess he knows that the grass is NOT greener on the other side.... Life with the OW may start off great... but eventually the rose coloured glasses come off 

From what I know about his sitch, it sounds like his wife would not be open to reconciling.   

[crazyjourney]

I think what we have to remember is these mlcers are trying to re create something from their past that they could not deal with at that time.

I think they need these ow to do just that, when they leave us they are in escape and avoid mode, we cant help them go back because we are nice and they cant re create with us, in comes the job of ow.

The relationship with them is meant to get bad so they can get over whatever they are avoiding, they need to create a volatile environment to go back or at least an environment similar to the one in childhood whatever that was.

What we look at is the dynamics of an affair, when really that has little impact, ow is there to serve the purpose of facing childhood issues and you wouldnt want them to do that with you because they would then think it was you, thats why she is the bandaid, she serves the purpose of his healing but in doing so also becomes the enemy, the one that caused his wrongs he has to get over.

No way does he want to do that with his wife who he loves, but yes pretty sure he will also feel guilt towards the ow when it all goes pear shaped.

x

[patience.of.a.saint]

Crazyjourney, this is what I have been thinking all along. My MLCer is living with his mother again. Something is bound to implode.

[CallanG]

When I spoke to OW recently I got this weird Mother vibe from her when she spoke about H , right from the start of this I said he was looking for a Mother figure in OW . She is older then him and has 3 grown up children .

[nah]

When I spoke to OW recently I got this weird Mother vibe from her when she spoke about H , right from the start of this I said he was looking for a Mother figure in OW . She is older then him and has 3 grown up children .

I can't imagine speaking to the girl.  The one time I saw her, I pretended she wasn't there, she just stood with her head down while I spoke to husband.

[i can and will cope]

i have never seen ow and same as you Nah couldnt imagine EVER speaking to her my son doesnt want to meet her eithere he has seen her on facebook and was not impressed and has tolld his dad he NEVER wants anything to do with her

[CallanG]

I must add it was not a planned conversation it just kind of happened , but I have to say it was quite an eye opener .

 

[patience.of.a.saint]

My MLCer was in the hospital last fall right after BD and I was at his bedside scooping ice chips in his mouth when the OW whipped into the room, saying she brought his phone cord. She had to come from like 70 miles away to deliver that...and he would've known that I had an extra at home. His parents were there then too. It was quite the special moment.

I have not seen her since, which is probably good for all involved.

I do wish I could send her an anonymous message as to how much he "loves" her while he's visiting me, but I will refrain from showing my crazy. lol