[The lighthouse]

If our MLCer's look so empty, if they can't maintain an emotional connection to us, to our kids, to our friends, how do they make a connection to an OP?  You hit it on the head--they don't.  They think they do.  On BD day I got "We (H & the OW) are so emotionally close & we (he & I) aren't any more". But the emotional connection isn't to the alienator.  It is to the drug, to the "cocaine" of pursuit & intrigue & adoration & infatuation.  This all feels so much like "love" to the MLCer & this "love" then justifies, in their minds, what has happened.  They don't take responsibility for their choices & actions; they believe that all of this, this "falling in love" & what had to follow just happened to them.

At BD and for the first 8 months after, my H maintained that he loved OW but he loved me too.  I asked him how he could love two women.  He said he didn't know.  I asked him how he could share his thoughts and feelings with someone he hardly knew but he couldn't share them with me.  His complete emotional cut off from me was the thing I found most painful, so naturally I assumed he was now sharing that part of himself with OW. 

His response was 'what talk about emotions you mean - we don't'.  How you can decide you love each other if you never 'talk about emotions' as my H put it, I don't know.  So, I agree that the emotional connection isn't to the alienator.  It's all about the high they're getting.  It's all about feeling something instead of dead inside, even if it's just for a while.  The OW could be anyone and they would feel the same high.

[Searching4Answers]

I asked him how he could love two women.  He said he didn't know. 

I had a similar conversation with my H - I asked him how he could love two women too. His response was "you have two cats and you love them both, how is this any different" I couldn't believe that he was comparing the love for a pet to the love of another person!

The topic came up another time (many times actually) and he told me that he loved differently than me

[The lighthouse]

The topic came up another time (many times actually) and he told me that he loved differently than me

At least he could differentiate that the love was different.  Now all he has to do is realize that the one wasn't love at all. We live in hope  .

[OffRoad]

Does anyone wonder if part of the attraction of the OP is that the MLCer doesn't HAVE to talk about emotions? That when the time comes in some of the OP relationships that emotion talk comes up is when those relationships fall apart?

If you figure that the OP is as broken as the MLCer, the OP may only want a superficial relationship that feels good or is financially beneficial (or whatever the motivation) at first. But when the light of reality starts to hit and now they have to talk about "the relationship", it either goes to heck in a hand basket or they actually work it out (the way they should have worked it out with their original spouse in the first place).

[barbiedoll]

I have many times wonderred about why my husband was so mean and cruel during the 5 months of monster before i threw him out. He said some incredibly painfull things to me that still haunt me . I came to believe he was soo in love with the OW and wanted to be with her that I was the reason he could not do all that he wanted to do. I was the big "problem" standing between him and his true "love bunny soul mate" . However, after 16 months of repeated conversations he says:  His mind convinced him (100% convinced ) that I no longer loved him, that he could not make me happy and I was done with him. (none of that was true) . He felt total rejection and then "monstor " reacted to that perceived abandonement . OH so complex and confusing ! Mine says he had zero emotional connetion to the OW. None.

[The lighthouse]

However, after 16 months of repeated conversations he says:  His mind convinced him (100% convinced ) that I no longer loved him, that he could not make me happy and I was done with him. (none of that was true) .

I can relate to this too Barbiedoll.  When I asked mine why he would move in with someone he hardly knew he said he wasn't wanted or loved at home.  I think he truly believed this.  He felt unloveable because he didn't love himself.  I also believe that he felt he couldn't make me happy.  He had done so many bad things while spiraling into BD.  Getting us into debt, stealing jewelry of mine (probably to sell to help his debt - which he still won't admit to btw, but no-one else went into my jewelry box  ), steeling from our D9 at the time's bank account, wrecking 2 cars from drunk driving.  The affair for him was the last straw to total self-hatred.  I remember telling him that I loved him and missed him.  His response - I don't know why.

The OW was the blank slate to start again with - someone who didn't know all his flaws.  Someone he hadn't let down and hurt so completely.  Someone he wanted to love him and he wanted to love back to make all the bad go away.  But real life just doesn't work that way.  I think he still can't completely understand why I still care about him after so much destruction, and I think 46 months post BD the cracks are starting to show in his relationship with OW.

[hawk]

Mine had some reason to bc l l did lose the plot myself before bd but she said much the same.
Maybe that's why she wouldn't listen to how it really was which wasn't like she thought at all bc here are yours saying the same type of thing.
she thought l was running away with a friend and was out of love with her .
Said she'd been thinking that for 12mths.

[CallanG]

Mine said the same , he was also 100% convinced that I did not love him . Along with that he was convinced that his family no longer cared for him . Myself and his family are also the ones he has had anger at for the rejection that he felt . I have spoken to him several times about this and he remains constant that that was totally what he believed at the time .

I also remember the look of horror on his face when he realised that his believes where not the case . I can still see it so clearly today it was a look of absolute horror at what he had done based on his distorted thoughts .

[hawk]

Now l wonder if mine was emotional with om .
She cert didn't seem it but l wouldn't know  for sure .

l wonder if om or ow's need emotion ! Although l believe mines om thought they were in love , maybe w did to . But if they are still together it certainly toned down a few dozen notches bc l can't tell when she'd even see him apart from maybe Saturdays .

[OffRoad]

However, after 16 months of repeated conversations he says:  His mind convinced him (100% convinced ) that I no longer loved him, that he could not make me happy and I was done with him. (none of that was true) . He felt total rejection and then "monstor " reacted to that perceived abandonement . OH so complex and confusing ! Mine says he had zero emotional connetion to the OW. None.

This resonates with me. My H appears to be a low energy MLCer, and I also appear to have done some very right things (quite by accident). My H had told me that nothing he does makes me happy. (I had no idea I was unhappy, but he sure made it know HE was unhappy) That he realized a few years ago I didn't have his back (hardly-he is obviously the one who didn't have MY back). Blah, blah, blah it's all my fault because I must not like him if he can't make me happy, blah, blah. I told him I didn't understand, then gave him a list of things he does that makes me happy, and they were all things that showed I admired and respected him. I did cry while doing so, but since it wasn't about me being unhappy, I don't think it counted. Every time he does anything remotely nice, I throw him a verbal cookie.

But here's where it gets weird. We have been going along with everything running smoothly. He's been nice, I've been nice, he eats my food and sometimes cooks for me. But I fell into calling him "Sweetie" a few days ago and this morning, he is distancing. I ignored it as if there is no difference, but I will be sure not to call him "Sweetie" today and back off.  So when I think about most of you with high energy MLCers,  it's almost like they must need to monster to MAKE you not like them.

Why would someone need to create what they fear? That their spouse no longer loves them? Because that is what it looks like. They feel unworthy?