[MyBrainIsBroken]

This is interesting MBIB. How do sexually abused men act out? We hear about it much more with women. My H once told me that he was 3 years old the first time he went 'down' on a woman and he said it like he was proud of this! This is abuse in my eyes and I find it weird that he doesn't see it that way.

This is really interesting. I don't know how sexually abused men act out but, even though he seems proud of the abuse he lived through when he was young, I agree with you that it was abuse and it must have been very confusing and possibly traumatic at that age. And I know that it's not unusual for sexually abused girls to later become promiscuous or even turn to prostitution in order to reenact the abusive situation / relationship and heal the trauma or for physically / emotionally abused children to later enter into a relationship with somebody who will abuse them the same way, again in an attempt to work through and heal the trauma. And I also know that this is not a conscious decision they make, it's a very powerful subconscious compulsion called a reenactment and that it rarely is successful.

Edited to add a second thought. If someone subjected a 3 year old boy to that kind of abuse I don't even want to think about other ways in which he may have been abused.

[nah]

If someone subjected a 3 year old boy to that kind of abuse I don't even want to think about other ways in which he may have been abused.

Agreed, and if he was a female it wouldn't even be a question if it was abuse or not.

I just had a lightbulb moment.  Without getting into details, when my son told my husband of being abused when he was younger, without even taking him home my husband drove our son straight to a mental hospital.  My son begged not to go, but husband (I found out about this later) had my son dragged in by two male nurses.  He stayed for four days until I convinced husband to get him out of there.  It was a very traumatic time for all of us.

Around this time is when my husband started changing. 

Possible abuse that he has been hiding?

[i can and will cope]

sorry jujst wanted to say also my h ow when asked why  she would see a married man when she had been through the same as me and i told h i wouldnt put another woman through this pain and torture. he said he asked her why she did and she said well you cant help who you fall for can you my reply err yes you can you walk away and my h even had the audicity to say to me becasue other woman gave up her car , furniture and family to move up here , that he cant do anything coz he has made a "committment" now Isnt being married a commitment and respecting your vows to your wife and family ,  it stil maddens me .

[in it]

Yes it is a commitment ICAWC..chances are it's his GUILT that continues the relationship with her...he looks at what she did to have the relationshipwith him and the guilt keeps him tied to it.

He takes it for gtanted that you will just "be there"...think of what you can do for you to help move you forward....(((hugs)))

[MsT]

If someone subjected a 3 year old boy to that kind of abuse I don't even want to think about other ways in which he may have been abused.

Agreed, and if he was a female it wouldn't even be a question if it was abuse or not.

I just had a lightbulb moment.  Without getting into details, when my son told my husband of being abused when he was younger, without even taking him home my husband drove our son straight to a mental hospital.  My son begged not to go, but husband (I found out about this later) had my son dragged in by two male nurses.  He stayed for four days until I convinced husband to get him out of there.  It was a very traumatic time for all of us.

Around this time is when my husband started changing. 

Possible abuse that he has been hiding?

Wow, I'd say probable.

[barbiedoll]

I have some very powerfull thoughts .. and things I have learned about the abuse thing . My husband absolutely hid sexual abuse from me for over 35 years . He told me in tears when we 1st started to attempt reconcilliation... but I need to think before I write . I need time to organize a very upsetting revolation. I will be back ..

[Lanzo]

Lanzo, it's really none of my business but I'm curious whether your wife was ever abused when she was younger.

I have absolutely no idea, I have seen no evidence to suggest she was, but clearly she has some issue with sex after seeing some of the stuff she's getting up.

Something I haven't mentioned before but apart from the sex video she seem to have this thing about photographing the guy's junk in her hand, I found quite a few pictures of this even going back to the original OM when camera phones were in their infancy. I was shocked by all of this as throughout our marriage she acted all prim and proper and never really got over excited by sex.

Part of the reason I keep half an eye on her is I would really like to find out what her problem is, I suppose it would give me a bit more closure.

Lanzo

[MyBrainIsBroken]

Nah, I agree with MsT. Your story is very interesting and possibly revealing.

ICAWC, this is just another example of their inability to think rationally. Their decision making switches to emotion-based decisions. You can't expect them to think rationally or to respond to rational arguments.

Lanzo, I'm not a therapist but I am a pretty good problem solver and when I see something that doesn't fit that's where I look for problems. Your wife's sexual behaviors don't fit, they don't make any sense, and that's why I asked the question. And you're right, understanding does make it a little easier to accept and perhaps even have some compassion for them.

[Searching4Answers]

If someone subjected a 3 year old boy to that kind of abuse I don't even want to think about other ways in which he may have been abused.

Very good point MBIB!

My H has very controlling ways when it comes to sex. His sex partners are treated like objects for him to use. Maybe that is what happened to him. I know that he was exposed to a 'swingers' lifestyle by his dad when he was in his teens I am thinking that was probably the case when he was much younger too. He wasn't raised to be respectful - his dad pretty much did whatever he wanted regardless of how the family viewed it. Eventually his dad kept a lot of it away from the family - much like H is doing now In many ways I see H becoming his dad, something he said that he would never do!

I can also see why my H has always had narcissistic traits - how could he not Maybe the trauma is too much for him to acknowledge. Maybe he is reenacting the abuse but this time he is the abuser believing that he is in control of it now instead of being the victim.

reenact the abusive situation / relationship and heal the trauma or for physically / emotionally abused children to later enter into a relationship with somebody who will abuse them the same way, again in an attempt to work through and heal the trauma. And I also know that this is not a conscious decision they make, it's a very powerful subconscious compulsion called a reenactment and that it rarely is successful.

I am going to need to look into how men cope/deal with sexual abuse.

[MyBrainIsBroken]

Maybe he is reenacting the abuse but this time he is the abuser believing that he is in control of it now instead of being the victim.

This does happen sometimes.