[MyBrainIsBroken]

nah, there's only one reason why I would ever be with someone who would do something like that. You figure it out. And I hope I never get so desperate that I would be with somebody like that but, as you said, men are easy. I certainly wouldn't consider any possibility of an LTR. I respect myself too much to be with somebody that vulgar. I think tasteful displays are much more sexy and provocative. I have a pretty good imagination and I do like to use it.

I don't know how you ever get past seeing what Lanzo saw. It's not so much the act but the need to record it that bothers me.

I hope they don't kick me out of the Man Cave now.

[nah]

Brain, I'm sure there are many reasons you wouldn't go for a person who would do something like that.

The year before BD, my husband started talking about "rainbow parties" (if you don't know what it is, explicit warning before you look it up).  He mentioned them way too much and would often say how kids these days are lucky b/c in his day, girls didn't do that.  Again, I am far from a prude but my response was, you have a daughter, and I wouldn't want our son mixed up in something like that either.  Why would you even talk about such a thing?

Again, I don't understand the need to go so low, so desperate for attention. 

[UKStander]

Is the OP a predator...?   Yes, most certainly. Without a shadow of a shadow of doubt. I spoke to Anne Bercht of Beyond Affairs.com once, and she described the OWs as people who 'got their claws into a vulnerable spouse. She also said (and let's face it, she's seen tens of thousands of cases) the affairing partner's life goes downhill thereafter.

My H met his affair 'partner' (funny choice of word) at a business party.  He said something like 'She was in the right place at the wrong time...' 

Could have been anyone willing to gaze up at him and make him feel twice his size, at a time in his life when he was feeling small....   She was married at the time, with a 4 year old. Told him she new as she was walking up the aisle with her H that she was making a mistake. The marriage had lasted 6 years. What likely timescale for the desperate, fake relationship with an MLC-er, I wonder? 

[terrified_in_TN]

...

Again, I don't understand the need to go so low, so desperate for attention.

Wow, you guys were starting to make me feel a little bad since I admitted that "sexting" naked pics was a turn on (for *most* guys)..

But I don't feel too liberal-Never heard of a "rainbow" party-had to look that up.

This may be direct and to the point, and in some ways a little offensive (hope not):

Going through what I have been through, a wise acquaintance (whom I believe possibly went thru MLC himself, not sure) said to me:

"I'm convinced *most* of us will sow our wild oats at some point in our lives.  If we are lucky, we get it done on the front end.  Unfortunately, some of don't get it done until the back end."

Kids are certainly more brazen and promiscuous then we were at that age...or ARE they?  Don't see much difference between a "rainbow" party, and the "free love, peace, and hair grease" era from the 60s generation.  Remember the "Ass, gas, or grass" bumper stickers...

Could it not be, that just some of our MLCers missed out on sowing those wild oats?  I will admit it, I did.  And so did my spouse.  Hmmm, I had an attempt at high energy replay, and now my spouse is MLC...coincidence?  I know we all talk about foo issues, and unresolved childhood trama's, but putting the psychology away for a second, could it not in some cases, be as simple as this?

-T

[MsT]

This veers off the current subject, but seems relevant to the topic.
http://thoughtcatalog.com/robbie-zimmer/2014/07/i-am-your-husbands-mid-life-crisis/

[HeartTattoo]

"I'm convinced *most* of us will sow our wild oats at some point in our lives.  If we are lucky, we get it done on the front end.  Unfortunately, some of don't get it done until the back end."

Could it not be, that just some of our MLCers missed out on sowing those wild oats?

TNT,

This notion of not having that chance previously may cross the MLCer's mind, but I think as an explanation for MLC it is way too simplistic.  It does fit my situation--H & I dated Sr. year, became intimate after grad, married at 20, neither of us really dated anyone else.  But, he waited until age 55 to sow his wild oats at the back end?  Faithfully married for 35 years & then has to have a fling ?  And he didn't just sow some wild oats.  He was/is depressed.  He didn't just have a fling or two.  He became emotionally bonded to this OW--"we are so emotionally close; we are a team"      .  He betrayed all of the values of his inner self through years of lying, cheating, manipulating me, & abandoning me.  A little oats sowing is more typical of "normal" affairs--short-lived things that the cheater immediately regrets & runs from pretty quickly. 

I don't buy it.  And I don't buy this article either.

This veers off the current subject, but seems relevant to the topic.
http://thoughtcatalog.com/robbie-zimmer/2014/07/i-am-your-husbands-mid-life-crisis/
"I am, of course, the opposite of everything you are. I am young, free, beautiful, selfish, melancholy.

My H's alienator is 10 years younger than us, but was still 45 at the beginning & already a grandmother.  She wasn't free, she was also M'ed & stayed M'ed right up until joint BD day.  She's not beautiful--she's fat & matronly-looking & dresses the part.  She does check the box on selfish--she's helped destroy two families & yeah, check melancholy off too--she was depressed after BD; poor thing felt "kinda bad" about the devastation she wrought & had to see a IC.

This article has some glimmers of reality, but it basically perpetuates the myth that the MLCer falls for the young, hot thing & he just can't control his lustful loins.  You don't have to read long here to find lots of older OW's, fat & unattractive OP's & many of them are also M'ed when the infidelity begins.  Pretty common here too to read that the MLCer is the one having "equipment" problems prior to BD, not the stereotypical notion that the LBS wasn't "putting out" enough.

The MLCer doesn't fall for someone who is so beautiful or so intelligent or so fascinating, they can't help but be drawn away from us into their snare.  They get sucked into the clutches of someone who is morally bankrupt enough to pursue a M'ed person, in many cases a M'ed person with children at home.  I don't know who coined this thought, but the MLCer doesn't look for someone better than their spouse, they fall for someone worse than themselves.

RCR' s articles explain MLC way better than these two theories.
IMHO
Hugs,
HT 

[terrified_in_TN]

HT-I agree that it is an overly simplistic way of looking at it, and of course every situation is unique in its own right.  There may very well be some deep seated unresolved issues, but I hate to say it, in some ways, I think that statement that my acquaintance made does cut through all the Freudian analytics and cuts right to the point.

Not that age is any indicator of knowledge or wisdom, but the gentleman that told me that is 70 years old, and has lived a lot of life.  Although he never elaborated, I have a sneaky suspicion he has first hand knowledge of what he was talking about.

I know it also goes back to "believe none of what they do, and only half of what they say", but my stbx on the night b4 she split told our D15 "I don't see myself marrying this guy-I just want to go have my fun."  Of course all bets are off, and she is free to change her mind many many times, but I think that was a pretty indicative statement of "I missed out in my youth".

Again, every sitch is different, but I can't discount the man's experience.

-T

[HeartTattoo]

TNT,

You're right that every situation has its unique elements.  And I do have to acknowledge the lack of wild-oat sowing in my H's early years & that at BD he told me the infidelity began with him wanting to "have a lark" with this OW he encountered online, that they first met to "have meaningless sex" & only after some time "fell in love & wanted to be together"          .

My problem with this theory is that my H, completely faithful for 35 years, a role model of honesty & integrity & dependability, had to have something "not right" going on for him to lie directly to my face & walk out of our home to have sex with a person he met on the internet.  This wasn't a "I'm away alone on a trip, I'm half drunk, & this babe is coming on to me" impulsive roll in the hay.  This was a deliberate, progressive, sinking into the deep, manipulative pattern of behavior over months & months & then years.

The adoration of the OP & the rush of new sex & infatuation must make it all feel like there are lots of wild oats being sown, but the lack of conscience, the lack of empathy for & blaming of the spouse, & their emotional emptiness indicate that something much deeper is going on.

Not arguing.  Wish it was just wild oats.  They have a much shorter season than MLC  .
Hugs,
HT

[OffRoad]

HT,
I'm thinking that the MLCer may start it as meaningless sex, but their moral code is still yelling at them in the background (even if they don't recognize it as such) and this is what causes them to convince themselves that this OP is the "love of their life" or whatever. Because how many people who feel crappy enough about life to have to run away think "I think I'll go out and have no emotional connection with anyone."  They are actually looking for an emotional connection and don't realize the emotional connection missing link is in them. So if they have sex with this OP, they must be in love with them, right? How else can they justify themselves?

[MyBrainIsBroken]

HT, those were some great posts, especially this:

The MLCer doesn't fall for someone who is so beautiful or so intelligent or so fascinating, they can't help but be drawn away from us into their snare.  They get sucked into the clutches of someone who is morally bankrupt enough to pursue a M'ed person, in many cases a M'ed person with children at home.  I don't know who coined this thought, but the MLCer doesn't look for someone better than their spouse, they fall for someone worse than themselves.

My wife's SIL believes this might be wild oats on her part. On the surface the idea seems like it might have merit. I was the first guy my wife was allowed to date, we married two months before her 18th birthday. But why do you go for 36 years without an interest in sowing wild oats and then do it by moving in with a fat slug whose idea of a good time seems to be sitting at home watching TV and drinking beer? That's not sowing wild oats, that's collecting a spud. I do think the lack of experience probably made the infatuation of a new relationship very exciting and confusing but I think HT's right about there being so many more facets to MLC.

I agree that it would be nice if it were wild oats because it would end more quickly but I think I would also find it more difficult to forgive an indulgence vs. an existential crisis.

I've always enjoyed learning but I resisted googling rainbow party until T wrote that he had looked it up, so I followed his lead. (Good thing he didn't jump off a bridge.     )  I could have lived without that bit of knowledge. I was around during the sixties and I still think it's a different world today.

Again, I am far from a prude but my response was, you have a daughter, and I wouldn't want our son mixed up in something like that either.  Why would you even talk about such a thing?

Exactly, holy crap!

Brain, I'm sure there are many reasons you wouldn't go for a person who would do something like that.

Very true, but there's one reason why I might. And I think it's sad if a woman thinks her worth is based on that one reason. And, after everything I've learned recently, I might wonder if she has some deep, unresolved childhood trauma she's trying to work through. Even more sad. OTOH, she might just be a sick SOB.

She also said (and let's face it, she's seen tens of thousands of cases) the affairing partner's life goes downhill thereafter.

UKS, thanks for posting this. This has been my fear for my wife from the beginning. I told my first therapist I was afraid this would happen to my wife if we didn't get back together. She asked me if I really believed that would happen because she had left me. I told her no but I believe it will happen because of the bad choices she's making and the situation she has put herself into. If I were vengeful it might be satisfying to see this happen but I love her too much to want to see this happen to her. And she's still my children's mother and my grandchildren's grandma.

This is definitely an interesting discussion, And educational too.