and a very Happy New Year!
May God watch out over and keep all of you; and may all your dreams that reside within your heart come true in the coming year.
I find myself taking stock of the past year; and I have SO much to be thankful for; I was very thankful at Thanksgiving...but at the end of each year, I have found myself looking back over the past year with amazement, thankfulness, and wonder at the awesome goodness of the Lord; in spite of all I've had to deal with/go through; and it wasn't ALL my husband's left over aspects I'd dealt with.
My health took a weird turn; but I survived; and am still surviving. I still don't feel good some days; and there are times when I still feel unbalanced within myself; but through some research I've done; I do have something on the way to help me with these "left over" symptoms.
I am thankful to just BE, knowing that God has all things under His Control; because I sure don't suffer from any illusion that I control anything; but my own decisions that will lead onto the various paths of my life. My husband does very well this day; he is settling down into the man I saw so many years ago when he exited the tunnel the first time; and he's so different than he was before; and this is all good.
I have been known to get so frustrated because sometimes I don't feel I am getting most of my points across; but I have been reminded many times that I can only do so much; and the rest is up to the person I try to help.
I've also been reminded that people will often have to read various posts more than once; and each person gets some further understanding each time they are read through and over again.
In this aspect, I'm thankful to even HAVE and REMEMBER the knowledge, wisdom, and information to write down; EVEN IF it's down multiple times.
I've spent most of my time with people that are further along than the ones just coming into this; mainly because there is so little written on the final stages, and I'm thankful I can help in this way. I had often worried that no one would reach thus far before I eventually left for good; but it's not happened that way.
As it stands, I'll be visiting along for quite some time until I know for certain I'm gone.
Anyway, understand that you must needs to focus on what you HAVE; NOT what you don't have. There is much more "life" to live than you think; in spite of the fact your MLC spouse is mentally and emotionally "checked out" for the moment. It's hard at first; but it does get easier with time, if you will allow yourselves to just let go of the fact you really can't control this process NOR the person going through it.
You can do this; if I can do this, anyone can do this.
I always said I wasn't the sharpest crayon in the box; but through my connection to the Lord, which empowered my Intuition, I did find I could do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me at ALL times.
People have often said they look at the time of eleven years I spent in his crisis; and a few have said they feel like "wusses" because they so want to quit at times. That's NATURAL; and I daresay it would help you to understand that I walked in those shoes, TOO.
I got so dang tired of dealing with him day in and day out; and I often complained to the Lord; only to hear Him remind me that I had the power to walk away ANYTIME I wanted...yet, I knew what the consequences would be for me; and I would always look at the amount of time I had already been dealing...and so, I would decide once again; to keep walking; even though there did come a time when I did finish my journey to wholeness and healing in FULL; nothing set aside or skipped; as this was a requirement of ME; plus it was shown that this aspect applied to my husband, as well.
So this crisis too, came to pass, and ended just a few short months ago.
My husband and I now walk forward into a life that does NOT contain even an aspect of MLC anymore..and that has affected me to some extent; it always does when you've been in something for so long, then you need to "uncondition" yourself from the various aspects a trial like this contains.
But, as a gentle reminder; it was NOT the survival; reconnection, recommitment, reconciliation, and rebuilding of our marriage that made me or him a true success, it was the JOURNEY we took to arrive at the place we came to in our lives.
Never allow your marital status to "define" you; that is part of co dependency; remember it is NOT what you do that makes you successful; ultimately it is who you ARE that defines what people see in you.
As a parting thought, I spoke to a man who had been married over 40 years, and he imparted something I had never thought of in my life.
You know, marriage is a 50-50 proposition when it comes to breakdown and contributions; but when a marriage is in crisis; the ratio becomes 90/10 in that the spouse that wishes it to heal/reconcile/rebuild; is giving at least NINETY PERCENT to try and make it happen; while the other spouse is either making little effort or no effort at all; they fall within the 10 percent range.
You'll find that during this time, you'll often be called upon to give MORE than you receive; but this aspect has its own rewards. During the crisis, we are called upon as never before, to carry burdens we were never meant to carry; but once the crisis is past; this balance should shift more evenly to your spouse.
There will also be times when your spouse will be called upon to carry burdens not meant for them, as each person is part of a team; and teamwork IS needed in order for the marriage to successfully carry on, post crisis; using the tools gained during this trial.
It's rare that both people are totally idle, doing nothing; because one of you is always doing something to keep the marriage on track, and sacrifice will always occur on one or both parts at various times of the marriage.
That's what it truly means when you vow "for better OR for worse; for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health until death do you part."
Yet, I firmly believe, and have seen that once the crisis is successfully navigated; although there will always be problems to face; each spouse will learn to give more and take less as time goes on; bringing the balance back to "50-50"..each one will have learned what love, forgiveness, acceptance, true balance, strength and fortitude is truly all about.
For the best thing they will ever have in their whole lives will always be standing right in front of them.
I don't have anything tangible to give to you this Christmas Season; but I do hold out Hope for all of you to navigate this trial in full; and have happy lives; regardless if your marriage makes it or not.
Hope was always the one thing I could give when I couldn't give anyone a solid guarantee of how the crisis would resolve; and I found that it was more than enough.
As long as I still loved my husband, HOPE remained alive and well in my deepest heart of hearts; and I extend this unto all of you.
May we also have another fruitful year; one of peace, harmony and love; and may we never forget the place we were in, so we can most effectively help the ones that come behind us all.
Food for thought.
Love, hugs, and encouragement to all of you,
Your friend,
HB
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Merry Christmas