[Thunder]

Offroad,

Very thought provoking post.
Attaching...

[CallanG]

I often wonder if I needed to go through my transition to be able to cope with his .

[barbiedoll]

For me .. 100% pushed me into a deep emotional crisis . I am still digging my way thru it  one step at a time . I know it is personal and will be life changing and not even necessarily about HIM . It is about ME .

[hawk]

l think it can for sure.

To begin with , a bit like a few others here , l actually probably started my w's , by having my own mini mlc of sorts . That and some of the way l'd been, def' prodded her into the coldness they need to do this . 

But then we get bd and your different when your married , you can afford some slackness .  Actually that slackness busts up a lot of marriages to l think but , nother story.
Thing is , your thrown out to the trash and at these sort of ages , you've been married for years , so you've gotta shape up or ship out sort of thing.
And as you do that and in other ways to get yourself through it , you start to feel better , look better , get things together and in a way , suddenly new horizons type of thing . Basically much the same as mlc only we were forced into it.
But we can do what we want again all of a sudden , whole new life.

Don;t know if that makes sense but anyway .

ps , l should add too that yeah,  at the other end that is.  After more hell and pain than you ever imagined that is but hey , who wants to know about that bit   

[patience.of.a.saint]

I know I have learned a lot about myself through this just from reading all the things I've read for him.

I learned about things in my childhood and how my mother has been all my life and how that has affected my choices in life. That discovery has also affected how I handle things with my own kids, as I am trying to be more aware of how my actions may affect how they think in the future. I don't want them to have to figure life out at 40 in order to have what they truly want...I want them to have what they truly want long before then.

I re-evaluated what I was doing, because I hated it, and now I own my own store and LOVE what I do.

I have said before that maybe my MLCer was put on my path to derail me from where I was going. Maybe he did his job and was just done. We were only together a very short time compared to most of you. He taught me so many things, and his leaving has taught me many more. I am better for having him in my life.

[OffRoad]

I have to say I think mine was the other way round . When I turned 40 which was six years ago I went through what  I think was a transition . I lost some weight because I was riding so much , I started to compete at show jumping and I did got through a period of feeling unappreciated by H . I remember feeling unsettled for quite some time but I talked about it with Friends and H . I told him how I felt . I cant remember how long the feelings went on for ( it was over a year) but I remember one day I was walking and just suddenly felt overwhelmed with love for  H and the life we had .

Things settles down and I would say for the first time in my life I felt really comfortable in my own skin . I remember thinking to myself Wow life does begin at 40 .

This may also be true. I often wonder if I didn't kick my H's MLC into gear. Two years ago, when my D started driving, she took over driving to school for herself and her brother. That freed up 2 1/2 hours of my day, and I realized there were a lot of things I had been putting off. So I painted the house, built shelves for the living room, hung the TV on the wall, started painting the interior walls, repaired toilets and faucets, made a new bedspread, created scrapbooks for my girl scout troop, started riding my bike and hiking (no weight ever came off, but I sure feel better), bought my car and went off roading on some weekends (I always invited H, and he used to like to off road with friends, but now he didn't want to anymore), joined some meetup groups, went Geocaching, etc.

I know H is upset that the children have grown older and one is already gone. I look at it as "I did my job right" and am moving on. It's possible that my adjusting my life caused him to panic.

[OffRoad]

I think that if we let it, all things work out for our good in the end.

My sister and I always say "We are exactly where we are supposed to be right now."

[LisaLives]

Everyone needs to read this book: 

http://www.amazon.com/Crossing-Paths-Laurence-Steinberg/dp/0743205537

He talks about Crossing Paths with our kids and with each other.  There are many theories of MLC, like this one that it is not a personal crisis, but triggered by relationships, as with kids, or many believe it occurs when men and women cross.  We all naturally produce less of our dominant hormones as we approach midlife, this women become more like men and men become more like women.  That alone can cause women to feel stronger and more powerful--combined with kids who are getting ready to leave sparking new interests and sometimes careers, while men feel less so--as they see their careers stagnate in a place that is not the top of the mountain they imagined, kids showing less "respect" as they differentiate, and of course the oft-cited physical changes.  And many believe it is this that causes MLC. 

But I agree, I now look at his MLC as the painful catalyst that FORCED me to build the truly amazing life I have today--one I NEVER would have had the courage to build had he not pushed me off the ledge.  I can truly thank him for that, though I could still kick him in the teeth for shoving our kids off the ledge with me--that kind of sucked...  But seriously, read the book!  Love and light, ll

[hawk]

I think that if we let it, all things work out for our good in the end.

My sister and I always say "We are exactly where we are supposed to be right now."

l wish l could truly feel that but l just don't know ,it feels like l'm screwed and this is the outcome of my whole life .
lf it was 20yrs ago l could maybe say that but all l can say if it is that for me now , then whatever is coming must be pretty damn good but , l can't see it unfortunately.

[OffRoad]

I think that if we let it, all things work out for our good in the end.

My sister and I always say "We are exactly where we are supposed to be right now."

l wish l could truly feel that but l just don't know ,it feels like l'm screwed and this is the outcome of my whole life .
lf it was 20yrs ago l could maybe say that but all l can say if it is that for me now , then whatever is coming must be pretty damn good but , l can't see it unfortunately.

When I think that I am exactly where I should be and I don't like that place, that's when I look at myself, what I am doing and figure out if I need to do something else. I was in that place to make me open my eyes.

As an example, I had been thinking about going back to work, but wanted to finish fixing up the house. Then this happened. Maybe I'm not supposed to be fixing up the house. Maybe I'm supposed to be going back to work. While S and I were on our trip, I get an email from a company I wanted to work for a couple of years ago. They want to see my resume. It took me 5 days to get my resume to them (there aren't many internet connections off road) and they were very excited when they got it. Maybe THAT is where I'm supposed to be. And if not, it gave me confidence that I CAN get back in the work force. But maybe I wouldn't have gotten there if not for  MLC.