[bookwrmmom]

I suppose I'll get flak for this but I do believe it's the truth.  If he can feel good about how he made you feel it makes him feel needed and good about himself.

I believe if a man is happy in that department he will move mountains for his woman.
Just my opinion.

Now I'm not saying if he is treating you badly you should just forget it and attack him in bed.  I'm saying if he is trying to be a good guy, good father and provider maybe the best way to show you need him is at the end of the day show him some attention, physically.  Even if it's just a back rub.

Ok, clubber away.   

Thunder, I agree....so no clobbering.

[in it]

I guess I'm about the same as you bookwrmom. I have been brought up pretty much to do things for myself. Usually if I asked for help I didn't get it.

And I have to depend on someone stronger than me for the physical things. So I have adjusted my life accordingly.

It's about how I feel when I'm with someone. If I feel safe and protected I equate some of that with love. I also appreciate a really good sense of humor.

I would like to feel desired also. Not having to make the first move ALL THE TIME.

Right now it's trust issues I'm dealing with. 

[terrified_in_TN]

Wow, tough question.  I'm not even sure I know how to answer without pulling from my own experience...

As I reflect on my m, things were out of whack, but it was circumstances beyond my control (or so I felt).  Bottom line-she did the majority of everything-cooking, cleaning, raising kids, disciplining, etc.  My part?  Breadwinner, outside work, "Mr. Fix it", mechanic, etc.  Not very well balanced at all.  BUT, I used to tell her many, many, many times I always thought we made a great "Team" (although she would joke she was the captain).  In the last years, she would tell me "You are a great provider, and a good guy."  That should have sent off alarm bells, but didn't.

I know you aren't supposed to believe anything they say, BUT, there is also some truth to some of their statements...Some of her comments, and my reflection make me feel as if I was "needed" to provide her a life that she felt she would not be able to have on her own.  At this point, she no longer desires that life, and wants to go in a different direction.

So where does that leave me?  In a way, I feel "used".  I don't want to be "needed" ever again.  I would like to be "wanted" though.

-T

[nah]

I was reading along, shaking my head in agreement but then, Wait...again we the LBSers are trying to figure out what we did wrong.

Maybe my husband felt less needed b/c after years of being a stay at home mom, I went back to school, got a job, and now I am earning a healthy paycheck.  Should I ask, is that why he left?
BUT...
If I didn't do that I could say, the pressure of him having the only income was why he left.

Maybe...it was b/c I asked him to do to much around the house
BUT....
we are both handy (me more crafty, him more mechanical) so we both liked to do fix-it jobs together, when he stopped I took over and did everything, never nagged, just did it
Maybe...I should have done less too, make him feel more special...

Maybe...it's b/c he wasn't getting enough sex...
BUT...
I always chased him and HE started pushing ME away...
Maybe...
I pressured him too much, maybe that's why he left.

The point is... IT DOESN'T MATTER.

We were good, better than good for over 25 years.  I complimented him, laughed with him, supported him, piled sex on him to the point of exhaustion...he still left.

Why?

B/C something went wrong with him.  If he was married to someone else he still would have left.  There was not one damn thing I could have done differently, he still would have left.

[AntiMatter]

I needed some praise,appreciation and some thanks for the things I did for her on a daily basis and didn't think that should be to much to ask as I always showed my appreciation and thanked her for anything she did even down to thanking her for the children she brought into my life.
Instead I had to endure countless posts on fb stating how she had cleaned cooked hoovered etc but no mention of the fact that I helped with it all aswell as running a business and looking after all the kids two to three nights a week and taking on my stepchildren financially and emotionally for 15 yrs with never a mention of thanks while she got a degree at night school.
I am only just starting to get any thanks now 2 yrs after she left me and am now begging to feel more needed than I have in 15 yrs.
Some recognition for all the good I did would have made me feel needed.
My wife actually said at bd I don't need you anymore as I've now got everything I need in life eg job, degree money car basically everything that I had provided.

I agree with FM. We do these things because we love them and not because we get paid for it. We love them with all the nice and less nice things of marriage. With all the perfections and imperfections. It is not a fairytale. It is real live. A little appreciation makes me feel needed. Noticing the things I DO do and not just what I dont do.

To add to this, open communication makes me understand when I do things that are not appreciated. Waiting 10 years in silence and then saying "I don't love you any more" does not make me feel so appreciated.

Am

[AntiMatter]

I think men like their ego's stroked once in awhile. They like to feel needed and wanted in the bedroom.  No matter what went on during the day that closeness is important.

I suppose I'll get flak for this but I do believe it's the truth.  If he can feel good about how he made you feel it makes him feel needed and good about himself.

I believe if a man is happy in that department he will move mountains for his woman.
Just my opinion.

Now I'm not saying if he is treating you badly you should just forget it and attack him in bed.  I'm saying if he is trying to be a good guy, good father and provider maybe the best way to show you need him is at the end of the day show him some attention, physically.  Even if it's just a back rub.

Ok, clubber away.   

Thunder you have it so right! We do need that physical contact and yes, it makes me feel needed if she is satisfied by me. It is fairly simple. Some appreciation for the things that we DO do is also important. Its ok to moan and it is ok to tell us where we go wrong and everybody fights from time to time. What is important is the respect. The appreciation. The kindness. Talking about languages of love. Ask almost any man and he would say that the physical contact (not just sex) is top or very close to the top. It is hard wired. It is nature.

It is nice to hear this from a woman!

AM

[nah]

Ask almost any man and he would say that the physical contact (not just sex) is top or very close to the top. It is hard wired. It is nature.

About a week before BD, I thought husband was sleeping.  He had been walking around with so much anger and I didn't know why.  I kissed his neck, squeezed him tight, and whispered in his ear, "I love you sooooo much"...he jumped out of bed like I stabbed him with a knife...He screamed, "why did you say that?!?"...I just looked at him wide eyed, "because I love you?"

We can douse them with all the love and appreciation in the world, if they aren't receptive to it, there is not a damn thing we can do.

[hawk]

Yeah on one hand for sure it is a really tough question yet on the other in many ways,  it's very simple.
Like women often go on about men and egos , yet women have as big if not bigger egos than men. They need the looks and opposite sex attention  and all the compliments and the appreciation and the affection and the talking and the ego boosts and on and on.
Well , in many ways , really , we're just the same as each other.
In many ways the things that you need and that make you feel good , are the same things that make anyone feel good and feel needed, including men.

Guys need to feel good to and they need it from their women just like she does from him.
One thing with my ex for example that really drove me nuts was you always had to ask her what she thought of something .
And she always just gave some bs one or two word answer to boot , as if she was scared of spoiling me . l hated that .

[toomanytearss]

Just a thought, I see so many of our mlc'rs are not very good at open communication.  Don't say anything about what upsets them or what they like.  I know that's how my h was.  I couldn't tell you to this day what I did or didn't do that made him feel good or feel bad.  I just went with what I thought would show him appreciation for the things he did.

I never wanted to be needed, always just wanted to be wanted.  That is where we had a disconnect.  I would explain it to him and how his actions made me feel unwanted and what I wanted from him.  He would pretend to listen and we'd continue on and nothing would change. 

So for me my need was wanting to be wanted, but I was treated like I was needed (wash the clothes, clean, cook, work, you get the idea.)

Since I didn't know what h needed from me I would do what I thought would show him how much I loved and respected him:  I would talk about him all the time, how wonderful he was - to friends, family and the kids.  He heard many of these conversations.  I tried to show him how much I appreciated our home by keeping it clean and well cared for and how much I loved him by taking great care of the kids and always waiting up for him to eat dinner with him no matter what time he got home from work, making sure he always had his favorite foods in the house, etc.  Trying to give him love and affection that sometimes he seemed to enjoy and sometimes not. 

So I don't know what he needed from me, I only know what I needed from him.  I just needed to be wanted.  Like you T, that's all I ever wanted.

[hawk]

Too many , can you explain wanted ?

ps , hubby , maybe then it was nothing that you did TM , maybe it was him , just in there . Just wondering what did he tell you it was at bd ?