[lawprofessor]

In my situation, I have a different take.  I think there were things that I did that contributed to the mess and that I take full responsibility for.

1.  I ALLOWED myself to be lost over time in the relationship.  I gave up parts of myself that I never should have.

2.  I choose this man because our weaknesses and strengths complimented each other.  While this may not always be a bad thing, I have come to the thought that I NEED TO FIX MY OWN WEAKNESSES AND BAD HABITS, not look to another to compensate.

3.  I WAS a fixer and wasted tons of my life fixing other people's issues and screw ups which allowed him to skate through life and behave as a self entitled brat which in turn enabled him to not choose to grow up.

4.  I ALLOWED him to lead instead of insisting on an equal partnership. 

5.  I RELEGATED him to just another thing on my to do list.  I could then keep my rose colored glass on as to his issues and I could live with the status quo instead of seeing him for the honestly weak and insecure controlling and immature man he was.

6.  I ALLOWED my response to his crisis to be filled with anger instead of kindness and respect and understanding.

Now would have changing these things have changed the fact he is in MLC ?  NO.  HOWEVER, changing those things fed the crisis in size and duration.  Those things contributed to the amount of destruction.  Those things allowed me to get into a long term relationship with a man who was ripe for a crisis.  Until I got good and honest with myself I was ripe for falling into another relationship with a MLC Jack ass and repeating the pattern. 

I believe their issues mirror some of ours which is what brought us together in the first place, provided the unhealthy click and feeling of completing the other of co dependency in many cases. 

Therefore, I worked on myself and my issues, for myself and for my future.  Not the crap he lobbed at me like grenades in his spewing, but the underlying things that were hinted at in the spewing.

Best, LP

[MyBrainIsBroken]

My current man thinks I am the most perfect being on earth, for all the reasons my ex thought I was flawed.  What if I had worked to change them and no one liked me :-(...  Love and light, ll

This comment made me think of the song According to You. It seems appropriate for this topic.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wZOQVbNjUVM

According to you
I'm stupid,
I'm useless,
I can't do anything right.
According to you
I'm difficult,
hard to please,
forever changing my mind.
I'm a mess in a dress,
can't show up on time,
even if it would save my life.
According to you. According to you.

But according to him
I'm beautiful,
incredible,
he can't get me out of his head.
According to him
I'm funny,
irresistible,
everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don't feel like stopping it,
so baby tell me what I got to lose.
He's into me for everything I'm not,
according to you.

[Dji76]

Law Pro, u nailed it with #3 on your list. I did exactly the same thing. Great post.

[MsMedfly]

1.  I ALLOWED myself to be lost over time in the relationship.  I gave up parts of myself that I never should have.

2.  I choose this man because our weaknesses and strengths complimented each other.  While this may not always be a bad thing, I have come to the thought that I NEED TO FIX MY OWN WEAKNESSES AND BAD HABITS, not look to another to compensate.

3.  I WAS a fixer and wasted tons of my life fixing other people's issues and screw ups which allowed him to skate through life and behave as a self entitled brat which in turn enabled him to not choose to grow up.

4.  I ALLOWED him to lead instead of insisting on an equal partnership. 

5.  I RELEGATED him to just another thing on my to do list.  I could then keep my rose colored glass on as to his issues and I could live with the status quo instead of seeing him for the honestly weak and insecure controlling and immature man he was.

Best, LP

Ooooooooo.... That is SOOOOOOOOOO ME!!!!!

And I'm working to ensure that it never happens again.. When he returns... When God sends him home.. I will never get to this point again..

I'm finding more and more, the more I read other's stories, the similarities we all share, not only with our MLC spouses, but with each other and how common it is that we were all giving too much, losing ourselves, and were all controlled in one way or another..

Incredible post LP!!!

[in it]

Great Post LP I guess number 3 and 5 were where I was at.

And it got so bad for me at one point ( after the kids came along) he was trying to do something and I said " Here let mommy do it" I must have said that a lot to the kids. 

I usually did what I did with the kids because I could do it faster than waiting for them.

Yes so you might say I enabled him and them a great deal. But they didn't appreciate it they came to expect it and that's all over now. I'm not fixing this - it isn't possible.

I went right over the fact that he choked his supervisor and lost his job. I focused on the positive still left from the situation. The house was paid for there was a good chunk of change in savings and the family was intact.  I figured we could just go off in another direction.

He did right down the rabbit hole into fantasyland.

What was I supposed to do when that happened? Yell at him? Divorce him?

That mediation for him to try to get his job back went on for a year It's a wonder the stress of that didn't kill all of us.

 He only said to me once " This house would fall apart without you"

At the end of all of that the only way he could get his job back was to take anger management classes and he have a lifetime probation..well he wasn't going to do that.

But it was me who had the anger issues as far as he was concerned.

I tried to hand the bills over to him at one point in time I said " Do you want to do this?!"

He said " Oh no"

He didn't want responsibility for anything then would wait for a couple of months and would want to know where the money was going

Are you $h!teing me?

[Songanddance]

Well i have thought long and hard and i believe that no one is perfect and we all have flaws and faults, however what i dont believe is that i contributed the the destruction of my marriage. It only takes ONE person to break a marriage.

I fully agree with the first part of the sentence and I do with the second to a considerable degree with just the teeniest reservation.

Let me explain.  I do not accept that I contributed to the destruction of my marriage but I do accept that I didn't see the signs because I thought it was part of marriage.  You get married and all is wonderful, romantic etc....yadda yadda. Then children/job changes /possible moving house / parents getting older/ possible family illnesses and the relationship is put on PAUSE with the thoughts that once a particular issue is resolved you can carry on with the R.

The pause is ABSOLUTELY NO EXCUSE FOR THE MLCER to do what he/she does but it is something that the LBS has to become aware of  is that this is something that happens and that if Reconciliation is to take place then the relationship has to be re-built and not put on pause again.

Does this mean that you can prevent MLC - NO!
 Does this mean that you can prevent or divert the depression assuming you recognise all of the symptoms of denial, escape and avoid - Probably not.

What it does mean though is that your marriage that you thought you had had many flaws and that is something that you did contribute to.

I hope you get that I am not stating the LBS is any way responsible for the MLC or his/her behaviours. Categorically not

 I am just saying that once a marriage is destroyed - before there is any chance to re-build or even start a new marriage with someone else then the recognition of your part in the previous pause/slow steady downward spiral of the marriage should be addressed and reflected on fully.

 

[in it]

I agree and I know I cannot have a healthy relationship until I fix me!

 For me difficulties, losses, raising children, family deaths, illness are supposed to bring you closer together not one person decide:

 " Oh well this is too much to handle......I'll just find a clean slate someone I have no history with.....somebody out there must think I'm wonderful"

The communication and dealing with feelings was really lacking in the relationship.

[Thunder]

It's funny.  I think it was LP who said she didn't allow him to grow up.

I, like my mother, am a big time care giver.  I did everything for my H and expected very little from him.  Never, ever did he help me around the house unless we were having a lot of company.  I even helped clean his car.  God love him he is quite lazy about things.

All he did was work and mow the lawn and I allowed it.

After I moved out of the house it went down hill pretty fast, yard looked so bad the neighbor put up a 6 foot wooden fence.  I'm sure so they didn't need to look at the mess.  His car is filed with junk.
I do absolutely nothing to help him now.

He is FINALLY, SLOWLY starting to care and is learning to do all the things I did.

My point is I should never have allowed him to trated like a pampered child.  That was on me.
It's something I would expect next time.  Shared responsibilities.  I won't be someone's mother again.

Now did this cause his crisis?  No  Did it damage our marriage?  No  But I do think it enabled him to feel free to do what ever he wanted to do, even divorce me, because he got away with everything else with no consequences.

[in it]

Yep exactly...no consequences for his behavior. Not my problem anymore.

He even got away with the assault..no games next time..it's 911.

And LAZY doesn't even begin to cover it. And I am out of the mommy business in regards to a man.

Strong women only intimidate weak men.

And I do not want to attract another one of them.

[Thunder]

I truly thought he would just go find another woman to take are of him but he is slowly taking responsibility for himself.  Nice to see.

In It YES...911 for sure!