[Rollercoasterider]

I just received a great question by PM, but it is not something for which I have an answer because I have no experience--other than maybe my friend Lingy's and one situation does not a pattern make.

what are you thoughts on how the death of a parent affects someone already in MLC (i.e., parent dying during their crisis)?

Let's generalize that question to any trauma--like those considered MLC triggers and not only the death of a parent.

• Serious financial trouble--even more serious than the dire straits many of you are in simply due to your situations...
• Serious or even terminal illness of MLCer themself
• Accidental injury, death or illness of LBS or other friends and family
• Acts of God: Floods, Tornadoes, Fires...that are personally destructive or that the MLC experiences personally--perhaps barely excaping with their life
• Acts of (possibly random) violence to MLCer or family
• Misc.

My best friend Lingy's MLCer's triggers were multiple familial deaths within less than a year--I think it might have been within 3-4 months. The final death and illness was when his mother and Lingy herself were both hospitalized (I think it was for Lingy's double mastectomy from breast cancer) in the same hospital on different floors and he was running back-and-forth between the floors to be with both. He told her that the two women he loved most were both there and he was only going to get to take one home.
Then their son overdosed at Bomb Drop; the two events were conicidentally simultaneous. Their son disappeared for a few days and Lingy didn't know where he was (he lived at home and was ~22). At the same time her husband just left--I think he left the house and was also gone. She didn't know where either of them were. The hospital had their son and I think he was listed as a John Doe; he had been severely burned--cooking meth I believe, so maybe it was an overdoes and maybe just the fire. He got clean after that and I met him a few years later...nice kid who cared a lot about his Mom.

Breast cancer was not the end of Lingy's medical problems. I think her Bomb Drop was about 18-20 months before we met and at some point after Bomb Drop and before we met she had triple bypass. Her MLCer took care of her like a champ during her recovery, but went right back to his MLC once she was recovered.

He left for about 5 months after Bomb Drop, but returned home after that and was at home for the next several years of his MLC. He left again for the last year before Lingy died. He was at her bedside--I was there with him--while she was in a coma and if you did not know their situation you would not have known there were problems; he was loving and tender as he brished her hair--she never woke up.

I do not think his behaviour was the within normal parameters for an MLCer, but I don't know. I've only talked to others and many MLCers  do not pop out of the tunnel to give care or even show such tenderness--even though he typically returned to his MLC once she was better.

I've heard that a trauma can bring them out of the tunnel--just as it sent them in, BUT this is only if they are already headed out and close to the end. I think Snodderly from DB has said that it can instead just send them in further or keep them going in their crisis.

Please tell us your experiences with this so we can see if there is a pattern or if each MLCer is so different that it may be random.

[Trustandlove]

Hi,

My H's mother died 5 years post BD; H was still deep in his crisis.  She had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's the summer after BD, so it was a swift downfall. 

It didn't have the effect of pushing him further through, or at least not visibly; during her illness he did turn to me on occasion, once, memorably, saying that he always valued and respected what I thought -- and when I ventured to ask what about my thoughts on our own marriage and family he just said that he didn't have an answer, i.e. shut it down. 

I had wondered about the possibility of a death sparking a change, as it was a death that I think tipped him into crisis.  His father had died a few years before, and the suicide of a close friend is what I think started it all, even though BD was a few years after that. 

[OffRoad]

Trauma is relative, though. My H started with his monstering before BD I think because our daughter was growing up and going to leave soon. To H, this would be a major trauma.  H cannot stand to be alone. His father cannot stand to be alone. They NEED to have family around them. When H and his brother left home, it was like a betrayal to his father.

At this same time, H's grandmother was on her last legs, but she had Alzheimer's so H's parents didn't tell H how poor her health was. H found out after she died, and no one was allowed to go to her funeral (H's grandfather refused to have anyone around-he had an OW for a few years at that point)

Also during this time, my mother had fallen and broken her arm and had surgery complications, and I was MIA at home for four months.

H had unilaterally decided that D18 was going to go to a college in MA that cost three times as much as I had budgeted. I told him this would cause financial hardship. The first year where D was 3000 miles away and we were living on a third of his income so we could afford to pay for the college was an eye opener that there would be NO money for S16 to go to college. (except what I had previously saved for him)

I think the capper was that H could see his company was having financial problems, but he refused to look for another job (he did eventually lose his job, but that was well after BD) He had emotionally checked out several years previously, so could not get any emotional support from me, as he wouldn't allow it.

As a thought, if an MLCer thinks they are going to lose their spouse to illness, could that be a trigger to leave? (If I leave first, it won't hurt so bad or I'm emotionally checking out because I can't take this.)

[Sha10613]

I've heard that a trauma can bring them out of the tunnel--just as it sent them in, BUT this is only if they are already headed out and close to the end. I think Snodderly from DB has said that it can instead just send them in further or keep them going in their crisis.
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I guess it can go either way. It will be interesting to hear more accounts from others.

[Trustandlove]

I do think that some kind of trauma could be the trigger for them to begin to come out, if they have gone far enough in if that makes sense; my own experience so far is that deaths (for example) before that don't trigger them coming out.

In addition to what I wrote earlier about H's mother, one of his cousins died about 18 months post BD, and a very close friend of ours died suddenly 4 years post BD.  I think that perhaps this friend's death may have contributed to pushing him further in; that was when he began the most "serious" OW relationship of his crisis (mine had multiple OWs), but to be honest I hadn't directly connected that before, although I do know he was very affected by that death. 

A trusted colleague also died a few years post BD, I'm losing track of when that was.

I know all these deaths affected H greatly, and that seeing his mother so ill also affected him.  Actually, there was a point 2.5 years post BD when he cried so much about his mother and came to me that I thought he was coming out of it, I thought perhaps that had triggered something....  but no, he just went deeper in after a long-ish T&G. 

So my own experience would lead me to think that this kind of trigger would only "work" if they are already on the path out....

[Sha10613]

That makes sense T&L.  Wow, you and your MLCer have experienced so many losses during his crisis...

[Seekingpatience]

Bomb drop was early Dec 2014 and H has (according to recent revealations) been in Replay since middle of 2013 and feeling like he was "on the outside looking in" and "having old age breathng down his neck " during 2012.

H found out he had kidney cancer in early June 2014 and had the operation to remove the tumour 3 weeks later. His reaction surprised me. Before "shutting the door on the Parasite aka OW", H was a bit of a hypochondriac, he would be overwhelmed by a boil on his elbow. Not sports injuries, which he took in his stride but anything to do with "disease" would be followed with a freak out.

This time he was much calmer, asked for a second opinion and acted so differently that I remarked on it. All H said was " Yes, I know. Right?"  he even said it was " a brush with death" and he was surprised how calm he was.

I know H has other issues to work out but I took it as a step forward.

[LisaLives]

How could you even guess what an MLCer would consider trauma?  If a person is walking around in a narc fog, do they have any empathy?  Can they interpret anything as trauma?  Like seekingpatience, my exH was a huge hypochondriac and his entire family is wont to dramatize any health issue.  He had a heart attack very soon after BD and told me that was just the universe's way of telling him he needed to be with OW...  His father had a cancer recurrence, he lost a few family members and our son tried to commit suicide, but all these things were signs that OW was meant to be in his life--because I would never have provided the support she did and surely his life would be 100 times worse with me. 

He HAS to believe that, or he couldn't stay, right?  He actually said when S17 tried to commit suicide that it was an "academic crisis" and he was so lucky to have OW who, like him is also an Education PhD.  They convinced his mental health professionals that I walked away from our son and they have provided all the support he needs to combat his "academic issues."  And they bought it, and had the nerve to tell me how lucky I am to have exH and OW...  S17 knows better, I can let that slide, but the delusions these people will nurture are not even understandable to the sane. 

In my case, I think trauma reinforces his confused thinking and draws him deeper into the strange cocoon of avoidance.  As long as he can continue to say in his confused brain and to OW "imagine how horrible life would have been if I had stayed with ll, schmoopie I am so lucky to have you..."  He might stay there forever.  All his reactions to all the weirdness in his life have confused me, but I don't know THAT man, and I am not sure I ever knew the man I married, so who am I to judge?  How is one to KNOW or even guess?  Love and light, ll 

[Verrat]

Every individual is different, so it's hard to say how a person in MLC will react to tragedy.

Three months to the day after BD, my man's father has passed away. In the first chaotic 24 hours, he's been leaning on me for support. Saying "I love you" in every text while he travels. I stepped up to be there for him in a big way. He's with his family now while I'm back home. His family likes me and was very supportive of our relationship, they've encouraged him to return to me, and they know I've never been anything less than loving towards him, but I expect things to be rough when he gets back.

He's feeling very guilty because he didn't go see his dad before his passing. I suggested we take some of his father's ashes and scatter them in a place of special significance, closer to our home, so he can feel like he's honoring his dad and can get some closure and peace from the act. Even though it's only 3 months after BD and I'm bracing for the worst, I hope we can find some small measures of healing from this. 

[FacePalm]

My wife's father died a few months ago.  She was almost 2 years post-BD and in her 2nd round of Replay.  When he died I wondered what the effect would be on her MLC.   She went through the grieving process but was quickly back to her Escape and Avoid behavior.  If anything, I think the loss of her father has kept her in the tunnel, if not pushed her back in a ways.  Most frustrating part...her talking about how important family is while essentially abandoning ours.