[a]

Hi All

Was curious and wanted to know if anyone on this forum knows of or has personal knowledge about the MLCer who married the OW and are any of these marriages heading for divorce?

It just seems when i see the people i work with who are in marriages which started as an affair relationship - usually with the Man being in his 40's when the affair started.  I know of 4 couples who's marriages happened this way and they have been together for over 15+ years and seem pretty happy.  There doesn't seem to be any trust issues and life is just continuing.  Yes some are experiencing some of the effects of their affair - for example T's daughter has turned her back on him and both his son and daughter have an ugly pet name for the OW who has been his wife for 10+ years.  But this does not seem to have impacted too negatively on T's relationship with his second wife - the OW. 

When i see this it makes me wonder if all these theories about MLC are just that theories and the stats that go with these theories are just that stats - we all know we can find stats to prove or disprove anything we want.

maybe in life people get to a stage in their lives where every day feels like ground hog day and maybe to some of these people finding the excitement of an affair and new love is just that - they are trying to just mix it up a bit and jolt themselves out of ground hog day - after all we only have one life to live and maybe to them its about carpe deim - yes its creates havoc for the LBS but for them its what they feel they need to do to live life fully.  And here we are as LBS's trying to figure it out when all we are suppose to do is accept that this chapter of our lives is over and we are to start a new one. 

From where i am sitting marriages born of midlife affairs seem to be rather successful and the ex-MLCer seems quite content especially as all four MLCers married affair partners 15+ years younger.  These men are now heading for their 60's with OW that are now in their 40's. 

Just curious - what are your thoughts?



take care
moment

[Thundarr]

Wow.....kind of a huge downer to point out, but valid nonetheless.  I know of one relationship that started as an affair between a local cop who was moonlighting at a retail store as a security guard and one of the cashiers who was married with kids at the time.  They just recently celebrated their 25th anniversary and posted an announcement with a pic in the local paper.  I don't know the details but he's always seemed like a very nice guy and is well-liked.  Funny thing is that the reason I know about it is that XW was working with them when the affair started and always spoke of their actions with disdain.  How times change, sadly......

[xyzcf]

If you search for stats on 2nd and 3rd marriages, I think you will find the articles over and over state that the divorce rate increases with the number of marriages....so I don't think that marriages that are the result of a midlife affair are successful...there are some that may be, but not the majority according to the stats.


Past statistics have shown that in the U.S. 50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second, and 73% of third marriages end in divorce https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201202/the-high-failure-rate-second-and-third-marriages

Psychiatrist Gail Saltz stopped by the "Today" show Tuesday to talk about why so many second and third marriages end in divorce.
The failure rate is indeed high; in 2006, the U.S. Census Bureau found that 60 percent of second marriages and 73 percent of third marriages end in divorce.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/03/06/second-third-marriages-divorce-rate_n_1324496.html

Over my many years specializing in family law, I have seen that second marriages have a higher failure rate than first marriages, and when you get to a third or fourth marriage, there is even a higher failure rate.  Why is this the case?  There are several reasons.http://www.familylawofmichigan.com/divorce/why-do-second-marriages-have-a-higher-rate-than-first-marriages

[paradigmshift]

All the people I know of and some stories I heard when I spoke to my driving instructor/random cab drivers etc. did not have the MLCer returning at all. We stand because of our belief that the marriage covenant is sacred/ love is sacred/ whatever other reason, and not because of some statistic.

It is my opinion that if the MLCer finds an acceptable OW/life or a better OW/life, he is gone for good (or at least a very very long time until that life turns bad). We see that most returners come back half-baked. I don't see that as a desire to be back but a sign of defeat, which they eventually come to accept and make the best of. If the other life had been good, it would have been sayonara. I know it's a very pessimistic view, but that's how I see it. Then there are others who have burnt their bridges so completely that there is no way they can return. In addition, even though they might eventually break up with/divorce the OW, it doesn't mean they will want to return. I remember mine telling me that he would rather live the rest of his life single or go through partners one after the other than continue with our relationship. And people are easy these days so if they are not fussy and out to have a good time, it can go on forever.

[Ready2Transform]

It's all just more proof that each situation is different. For my xH, I based my standing on our prior relationship, the manner of his breakdown, and not any Vegas odds. Anecdotally I remember my parents having friends who were affair partners that stayed together for a long time, but were miserable. I ran into the wife's daughter once and she told me, "Mom finally divorced Robert" with a huge sigh of relief - but it essentially ate up her childhood in the meantime. I personally have never known any cheaters that lasted very long in their relationships, but this is really my first time through the MLC circus. Who knows? I may see more. None of it affects how I view my own situation.

We all have our reasons, and it's true that we can find evidence of whatever we want to see. There are no right or wrong perspectives if it's what feels like the best choice for us.

[hawk]

l could go on forever with this topic bc it's such a complicated and long term thing l reckon.
First up though, l wonder if there's anything, or has anyone seen anything on how the LBS, actually do in life, love and marriage, after being left ?
Has anyone found anything on that ?
l've tried but haven't had much luck as yet .

But on the mlcer's, l don't know . How long is it before we know if it is even a successful marriage or not ?
l said to mt w at bd , you and me have been together nearly 20 yrs right.
And yep , in this last few , it's been rough and things have happened but that doesn't mean we can't turn the corner , we could have and we would have if given the chance.
But not every marriage was a good marriage at it's core and could turn that corner however l believe not every marriage has to be perfect. l believe it's the courage and conviction of the two people that in the end , make a marriage work and survive. But even so , still, not every marriage could have worked out though none the less.
Some couples are just not really suited and in those cases , if he or she got lucky enough to find someone else that they really were suited to after leaving , then who knows , maybe it does work.

But , most of them seem to trade down , mine has too . So you wouldn't think that has much hope long term would you ?
And the thing is , is 15 plus years enough to know ?
But no , it can't be can it . Because most of our marriages ended after 18,20, 25 yrs .
So they don't know what they have really , until they have at least passed the time frame and then some , of their first marriage.
So in reality , we'll probably be all old and grey before we really truly know what becomes of our mlcers bc these days , even 16yrs doesn't makath a successful marriage .

And here is my very own real life example.
l met my first serious long term gf in my 20s. l had lots of gf's before that, 1 yr , 2 yrs, but this one lasted 6 yrs and we moved in together a few mths after we met.
But although l did love her and l think she loved me , we were always fighting , we didn't really have very much in common apart from sex , and we didn't really get along very well truth be known.
And after 6yrs l knew l had to either get out of it or marry her.
So l chose to get out of it .
But that wasn't easy. l had huge guilt from splitting us up and l did love her and so leaving that , was not easy , no way , it was the hardest thing l'd ever done to date in my life and l was depressed and miserable for 12mths or so. But l stuck to it because l just felt we were basically just so unsuited and love and sex just wasn't enough it seemed. We did definitely have something though there was no doubt about that  but , we still fort like cat and dog and seem to think differently about everything BUT , we did have something , for sure.
And if you didn't mind having a few fights , l am pretty sure even to this day , we could have survived and made it work long term.

So after 15mths , l got lucky and l met my wife. She was everything l could ever hope for. She was gorgeous , fun , funny and had a great sense of humor , she was broadminded and wanted to do all these things l'd always wanted to do and we could talk and laugh and play all night all day on and on .
We had yrs and yrs of just incredible life together . We moved in a mth after we met. Then we went and traveled for 10yrs , lived all over the country , there was so much to us it was almost too much to cope with .
But , here l am . 21yrs later now and we still ended up splitting up after 19yrs. She's with an om , or was , or is, l dunno these days it seems on off.
And l still see her in coming and goings with my d and we have still worked together as best we can for my d. So l probably see a bit more of mine than most people and it's on a different level.
And l see enough to know , she isn't now , what we were. She is a totally different person . l don't see coming and going , any of those special things in her personality now that use to just beam out at you , coming through in her now and that is just so sad.  But it must also mean that om just doesn't bring that out in her , she's soooo different. And she's serious, and cynical , and often sarcastic. Not at me l'm saying , just in the way she is and talks these days .  She isn't herself , not the one l knew anyway.
So where are they and what becomes of them in 20yrs time . who knows but knowing her true personality all those yrs through thick and thin, l hope she doesn't marry this guys for her. Because he just doesn't seem to be bring out the real her and all she has to offer people around her and that is just really really sad to see.


But there's one thing l know . lf w had that courage and conviction, that staying power , we wouldn't have split up . But she was tired and she became weak and she took the easy way out.

Where as that first one , she was tough , very very strong and held a very very strong conviction about a lot of things no matter what. lt's just how she was built .
We weren't perfect , like wife and me but , here l am and wife and me are no more because one of us didn't have that courage and conviction.

So, who knows , maybe the first one would still be here . Bumpy roads but still here .
And sadly , she never did marry and she never had kids but you know what . Knowing the way she ticked , and learning here at HS about standing and how it works , l have often suspected that that is why she has never married . Because going on her nature and strengths , it really wouldn't surprise me one bit , if she just couldn't after us and has maybe even subconsciously been standing all this time.

So this has turned into a bit of a rant , sorry about that . But how can we know where anything goes unless we have a spare 30yrs to wait and see.

[Ready2Transform]

So they don't know what they have really , until they have at least passed the time frame and then some , of their first marriage.

I don't think it's as much about length of time as it is general compatibility. Example - my dad. 26 years of an awful marriage with my mother brought his tolerance level for crap way down. Dated #2 for 3 years, left just after the 3 year mark of marriage - so 6 years was it. The good times were over. Tack on two more years for the divorce drama. But still nowhere near the length of time he was willing to put in with #1 before calling it quits.

But that's not to say that I think they won't last. If they are both broken people in the same way, as we know MLCers and OPs tend to be at least during crisis - it will be a good match for as long as it is. Or if they're too tired to keep running, they may just settle. There really is no way to know, and certainly, we can lose a lot of life watching the clock.

[Dontgiveup]

I have two situations very close to me where the female MLCer married OM.  Neither lasted.

[Anjae]

A friend who had MLC more than 10 years ago married OW, had children with her (twins) and divorced her pretty quick. He says that the two years he spend married to OW were the worst years of his life.

He tried to go back to his LBS, with whom he has a daughter, but she had moved on and wanted nothing to do with him.

[OffRoad]

He tried to go back to his LBS, with whom he has a daughter, but she had moved on and wanted nothing to do with him.

I hear this from what I now know are LBS's on a fairly regular basis. The truth is that most people do not tolerate infidelity, and just move on. I know that will be me if my H gets an OW. Not to put too fine a point on it, but the average person with good self esteem would not tolerate the monster, either, unless they know about MLC.

On the up side (that sounds weird to call it an up side when people divorce), I have one of my off road friends whose wife was the MLCer. It lasted 3 years and she is in the process of divorce. He would take her back, but his 6 children swear they would find a way to stop it.

I have another friend who was the MLCer. She is only with her OM because they have an autistic child, and would go back to her original H in a heartbeat if he would have her, but he won't.