[Anjae]

The truth is that most people do not tolerate infidelity, and just move on. I know that will be me if my H gets an OW.

True. But many people would tolerate infidelity if it was just that. That is, the cheating spouse would, after infidelity being discovered, be willing to commint to the marriage, etc.

But MLCer do not do it. They leave to be with OW (or live on their own but keep a relationship with OW). So it makes things much, much more difficult.

Not to put too fine a point on it, but the average person with good self esteem would not tolerate the monster, either, unless they know about MLC.

LBS who know about MLC don't exactly tolerate monster. We impose boundaries and several of us do not have interactions with our MLCer.   

[bipolared]

I know of one such situation and they have been married for over 30 years but OW has molded herself to his every whim.  His interests are hers, or she at least waits patiently on the sidelines while he pursues them.  His former wife would not have had him back anyway and their kids are much closer to her. Youngest daughter gets a stress rash whenever she is due to visit dad and 2nd wife.  However, they post on FB about their good Christian works and "family".

[paradigmshift]

Yup, some OW can take a lot of $h!te like me (MLC craziness included) and so the relationship, even though not ideal, lasts for years. Don't hold your breath.

[hawk]

Logically speaking , you would think both would do more and go through more to keep it together 2nd time round.
Bc one , it's their second time and they'd know there ain't many chances left but 2ndly maybe they learned a lot from their first marriage and, also lost a bit of selfishness - but l dunno.

[HeartTattoo]

I know of one such situation and they have been married for over 30 years but OW has molded herself to his every whim.  His interests are hers, or she at least waits patiently on the sidelines while he pursues them. 

My IC told me that my H's R with the OW would last only if it was a "balanced dependency"--those couples who cling to each other & do everything together.  He didn't see my H as the kind of person who would tolerate that & he always contended that their R would fall apart.  This always gave me a lot of hope.  I just didn't realize at first that he wasn't putting a time frame on it.  When I learned about MLC, I learned that MLC takes a very long time & that H's "new life" could last far longer than I realized & that my IC suggested.

I have two friends whose H's had affairs when my friends were in their 30's, their H's in their 40's.  Both families had young kids.  The AP's were readily available types--one the family babysitter (D'ed with her own kids), the other an intern at work.  Both LBS's were blindsided.  Look very much like MLC situations, but I wasn't in on all the details at the time.  From my little knowledge of both H's, they were both arrogant leaning toward being @$$holes on a good day.  I don't know if they had what we know as the other MLC symptoms.

Both are M'ed to their AP's to this day, both for over 20-25 years.  One had another child with the OW/new W.  The other primarily raised his OW/W's kids; his own visited, but were resistant, now have pictures of their large blended family (with grandkids) on FB.

I think this is a very individual thing & none of this statistical info (XYZ's statistics are pretty consistent with what you read about 2nd M's) or anecdotal  info really informs us about our own situations.  I think the two cases I mentioned lasted because the people were young enough to just fling themselves into recreating a second family life.  They were compatible enough with their 2nd spouse to make it work.  Or maybe they had the "balanced dependency" my IC talked about or the OW was so needy that she subsumed herself into her "prize" of a H, as bipolared described.

What I see here with the MLCer's at the far end of the age range (mine 59 at BD) & there seem to be a good number of them here, despite it being somewhat out of the previously accepted midlife range, is that they are fantasizing about having a second chance, but time is cruel & they just don't have enough time to recreate what they long for.

Mine said at BD that he & the OW were "a team, like we had been a team when we were first M'ed".  At 59, after 39 years of M to me, how could he recreate a whole second long-term M?  He was feeling the "high" of "new love" & exhilaration that we had early in our lives, but where does that have to go?  My H is at the end of his career, facing potential health issues which grow closer every year, facing a retirement he is not suited to handle, with an OW eleven years younger who is still striving in her career & recently made a job change that takes her away from home all week, to return to my H on weekends.

I don't see them building a new second life at this stage.  But perhaps they will muddle along, IDK.  Over 2 1/2 years post-BD, he felt certain enough to pursue his D.  Statistics do me no good.  Anecdotal "evidence" does me no good.  I can only live each day as it comes.  Make choices for my life based on my needs & desires.  I cannot look to him & his "new R" for any answers.  That is his problem, not mine.

[Medusa]

I don't see them building a new second life at this stage.  But perhaps they will muddle along, IDK.  Over 2 1/2 years post-BD, he felt certain enough to pursue his D.  Statistics do me no good.  Anecdotal "evidence" does me no good.  I can only live each day as it comes.  Make choices for my life based on my needs & desires.  I cannot look to him & his "new R" for any answers.  That is his problem, not mine.

Statistics are fine only to a point. So 60% of second marriages fail. That means 40% do not. But those statistics do not tell us if MLC is involved, and they do not tell us if the couple is actually happy. Some people do stay with their chosen person from a sense of obligation. Anecdotal evidence is also good only to a point. Both can be used to convince ourselves of one thing or another.

Ultimately, we cannot predict what any of them will do, much as we wish we could. What matters is us. What do we want? How do we choose to live our lives?

I don't care about his R with OW. I've seen her in action, and I'm not impressed. If that's what he wants, then I lave less respect from him than I used to (if that's possible). But it takes time to reach such a place.

So again, it's not a out them, it's about us and what we want. It's about our healing and our growth, and I don't think we can fully get to where we want to be until we stop worrying about what they may or may not do and focus on ourselves.

[LisaLives]

This all falls into the category, of "reading bad books."  You can not begin to write the next chapter of YOUR book if you keep re-reading the old ones, or trying to read and write other people's books! 

Two insights that might help.  My therapist told me at Bday that she has seen lots of these and the pattern is generally that he will come to his senses FAST--within six months--or he will start to reflect after his THIRD failed relationship.  She said that when men move on that fast and that quickly, it is not likely to work out the way they expect it, but they still blame the other person, and they think after the second one that if they only picked better, all their problems will go.  Then after the third one, most figure out it might be something in themselves.  Of course, you have to read this on the standard curve, some learn FAST, some might learn after the second, more will learn after the third, and then there are... 

My kids attended an NFL football game in a private box, with two of the Jonas brother, actually, and a lot of other bigwigs.  My youngest son was, maybe 14 at the time, and he overheard two men talking.  One said, look at us, we have all been married, what two, three, Joe over there is on his fifth wife, every one younger, and we're all miserable and none of us are getting laid...  So, some, unfortunately, may be like Joe and live at the VERY FAR END of the curve.  There really is no way to know. 

You have to decide if you are really that interested in those other books, or if you might just want to start writing yours.  Just a thought, ll

[Thunder]

A few thoughts.
Moment,  I believe the statistics xyzch has referenced, I'm living proof.  2nd marriage..divorced ...60%.
My first M was bad but my second was good.  Still happened.
About men being happier with a ow 15+ years younger.  It could very well be these younger women make them feel good, feel younger.  That can be very powerful stuff.

Ready2, yes if you get 2 broken people how are the odds it will work?

Medusa,  Good point.  40% of them do make it.  When you think about it that's almost half.  So the odds could go either way.

hawk, you're also right.  Not every marriage is good to the core.  That may be why so many really ARE happier with someone else.  You knew that relationship wouldn't last and you had the strength to break it off.

LisaLives, when I hear about men (or women for that matter) who go from one to the other never figuring it out I feel sorry for them.  It's like they are chasing rainbows but never understand it's them.

Offroad,  I agree there maybe would be a higher percentage of MICer's who return but their spouse has moved on.  So they may feel this is all they have and try to make it work.

[Albatross]

Normal people work on self and marriage and grow together. Normal people does not do things behind spouse back, normal people does not cheat on spouse. Those people who do in middle age are MLCers, their marriage with OM/OW would fail 100%, just matter of time.

Statistics said that people divorce in huge percentage in first 3  to max 7 years. How marriage years going high, divorce percentage fall dramatically. Have logic. No need to explain.

So, those people who divorce in middle age and remarried and live more then 15 years in second marriage could be only people who were left in middle age by MLCers. So, LBS-es who move forward and learn, become better version of self. Even those cases are very rare in my opinion. Remember best man and woman are in marriages, who You can find on "market" appropriate age who aren't broken ? Widowers and MLCers, never married people, LNSes who standing ...

So, frankly I do not believe in happy second marriages. Divorce rate of second marriage is double in comparison with first, and 3rth is quadruple... So ?

[a]

Hi

Thank you for your replies - I have come to realise just as there are many differing points of view on this topic so there are a myriad possibilities for the MLCer's marriage to OW.  I guess none of us will ever know the dynamics or the outcome of our MLCer's marriage to OW.  I guess then this begs the next question - why do LBs's seek comfort in the stats that say MLCer will divorce OW or that their R is miserable?  What kind of comfort/hope are we seeking?  and even if we don't want MLCer back why do we want them to suffer? 

Maybe the ultimate work we need to do is truly forgive and let go - and possibly even wish happiness for the MLCer but it is such a hard thing to do isn't it - when this person who you loved could not, in the end,  reciprocate this love.  And because of the enormous pain and suffering they have caused we want justice - and for us justice means suffering and pain for both the MLCer and OW.  I look forward to the day when i can truly let go and i look forward to the day when i no longer have any thoughts of my Ex.

As for these 4 couples i have witnessed.  I do believe that marrying young creates a false perception that they still have a long life to live and also in part they have a wife who will be young enough and therefore strong enough to take care of them when the time comes.


take care moment