Author Topic: My Story The long and thorny path of reconciliation  (Read 18204 times)

Offline megogirl

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My Story Re: The long and thorny path of reconciliation
« Reply #130 on: November 08, 2018, 05:24:24 PM »
WOW!  Now I get what the author meant by that statement.....

Ditto for me.....entirely possible that my H imagined much of the attention his S received (although I do believe she was the favored, "golden" child.)

Offline Thunder

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Re: The long and thorny path of reconciliation
« Reply #131 on: November 09, 2018, 08:43:59 AM »
Karm,

Reading through your thread I am in awe of all you have done.  I think you deserve some kind of award, or metal, for an LBS who had gone above and beyond to better yourself and raised her kids with so much love and strength.  I applaud you.

Your kids got to see first hand how a parent should raise their kids and be a responsible, involved parent.  Best lesson you could teach them.  You taught them love, courage, unending support and the capacity to take on challenges and not give up.

You H is cra cra, that's all I have to say.  ::)

Loved those articles.  My H scored about 6 of them.  Then we wonder why they went into crisis.   :o

Have a great day and congrats on your new job.

A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline karmirtsaghikTopic starter

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Re: The long and thorny path of reconciliation
« Reply #132 on: November 09, 2018, 04:50:43 PM »
Thank you Thunder. I am a month into my new job. Already received praise from my boss. Produced 2 multinational reports. I am happy professionally.

Here is another Article that my friends will both find interesting and relevant, I am sure.

https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2018/11/09/666143092/should-childhood-trauma-be-treated-as-a-public-health-crisis?utm_source=facebook.com&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=npr&utm_term=nprnews&utm_content=202909&fbclid=IwAR0K_29yOS4toeuOKVB01KVvOSnbtMLNTqBPnNnsNIuhT_NARbpUETsrL9A


Hugs to all of you.

Offline Puzzled

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Re: The long and thorny path of reconciliation
« Reply #133 on: November 10, 2018, 05:40:07 AM »
Thanks, Karmi, for posting the links to the two articles relevant to us LBSs.

I'm glad that childhood trauma and its long-term effects are getting more attention.  Looking at H and his three brothers and the struggles they've had in adulthood, there is no doubt in my mind that there is a strong link between childhood trauma and addiction/family stability later on in life.  For me, though, the numbers stated in the article seem pretty low -- e.g. that people having experienced childhood trauma are 1.2 times more likely to develop depression or substance abuse disorders in adulthood than people without those experiences.  I would have expected the number to be much higher, and am wondering whether there were children in the study who did not report abuse and other traumatic events.  The interviews were conducted only once a year, which is a long time for a child, and some children may not have opened up to tell what had happened to them.

With the first article you posted recently, I was wondering the same thing as you and Velika did.  In my H's case, I think that what he told me about his childhood - bit by bit over the years, because his official version is that his childhood was very happy -- makes me believe that there is a lot more bad stuff that happened and was pushed into his subconscious.
Me: 47 (43 at BD1)
H: 52 (48 at BD1)
D: 10 (6 at BD1)
Met in 1995, married since 2000
BD 1: August 2014
BD 2: October 2015, moved abroad
August 2018: Received divorce papers in the mail unexpectedly

Offline karmirtsaghikTopic starter

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Re: The long and thorny path of reconciliation
« Reply #134 on: November 10, 2018, 08:04:19 AM »
Yes Puzzled,

I also think that the numbers might be on lower side, but I think these are empirically proven scientifically measurable numbers, i.e. the authors of the study were able to find direct link between trauma and health issues. As to trauma, I believe our brain pushes back our bad memories or imprints as a protective mechanism. This is what happens, I believe when we are told that time will heal everything.

My H's family is really dysfunctional as well. I have three BILs that are the most talented and gifted people, but the most unhappy, prone to depressions, and addictions. My younger BIL was clinically diagnosed with bipolar. And this is a direct result of his mother's abandonment.

I feel sorry for all of them. My other BIL is very wealthy, but very unhappy person, who spends his days jumping from one women to another in order to prove something to society. He is very nice looking, extremely successful real estate developer, loves arts, well travelled. But you can spend the whole evening in his living room and him not to say one word, sit there with empty look on his face. He definitely has relationship and closeness issues. Hi whole childhood went on proving that he is worthy of parental love and admiration the same way as the older "perfect" brother did.

My H is (was) very smart, hard working, talented and kind person. He is workaholic and his whole life he was trying to prove that he is as smart and academically gifted as his father who had PHD at the age of 28.  In fact my FIL who is 85 is still trying to prove something to society. He is narcissistic egomaniac, unable to express love and compassion. His idea of family is that women are there to meet his needs.

I am 100% convinced that my H's MLC is brought by his childhood. And am happy now there is more research is going in the area of childhood trauma.

Hugs to you Puzzled.

Offline Anjae

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Re: The long and thorny path of reconciliation
« Reply #135 on: November 10, 2018, 07:56:46 PM »
There are direct links between trauma and health issues. However, I don't think childhood trauma is the cause of MLC. Or it is not for everyone.

I had an amazing childhood, and I had a MLC. Adolescence was less amazing. Mr J's one was the normal childhood of people his age and social class at the time. There where some issues, like FIL having mistresses, but that was pretty much what every man from his social class would do.

There are millions of people with horrible childhoods who never have a MLC.

If MCL requires childhood trauma, it only plays a part. What all MLCers have in common is depression and stress. Without depression and stress there is no MLC.

All real life MLCer I know gave as the reason age/fear of getting old/fear of missing out, my counsin included. And Mr J said that he
only had "now" (never mind "now" has been going on for more than 12 years) to do "this (he never explained what "this" was).

In my case it was not age, nor childhood issues. It come with the shock/trauma of BD.

Also, what sense does it make to cause yourself, and others, more trauma? It only makes everyone's health issues worst.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline karmirtsaghikTopic starter

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Re: The long and thorny path of reconciliation
« Reply #136 on: November 10, 2018, 08:06:00 PM »
I see your point, Anjae. But in my MLCH's case, I can tell for sure that his childhood and FOO issues in general,  play a great role in in his MLC. I also believe that there is a link between mother and child. People who lacked motherly love in childhood are more prone to depressions, addictions, and other mental health issues, like depression. I am a firm believer in that.

Offline Anjae

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Re: The long and thorny path of reconciliation
« Reply #137 on: November 10, 2018, 08:28:48 PM »
Maybe it is different for each MLC.

I didn't lack maternal love. I was an only child until I was 9. I am also the first grandchild of both my grandmothers and was the only girl on maternal side for several years and the only grandchild of my paternal grandmother for 9 years.

When I was born my two maternal aunts and maternal uncle were still living home, it was one child and several adults doting on the child.

My counsin also didn't miss on maternal love. Or grandmother love, or aunts and uncles love. He is the second grandkind from our maternal family and the first boy.

It may be difficult to find two kids who were more loved than we were.

Mr J had MIL, his grandmothers and grandfathers. FIL wasn't very present, men like him at the time would not be very present in their kids lives.

What caused blows to Mr J was to lose his grandfathers - they both died before we meet. And, in 2005, the death of his paternal grandmother. After her death, his MLC started. At first there were no visible signs, then the script we all know followed. His beloved maternal grandmother died in 2010 and he dived deeper into MLC.

He does not seem to be able to live his MLC life behind and keeps self medicating.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Songanddance

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Re: The long and thorny path of reconciliation
« Reply #138 on: November 11, 2018, 01:06:55 AM »
Quote
People who lacked motherly love in childhood are more prone to depressions, addictions, and other mental health issues, like depression. I am a firm believer in that.


Can I just throw a spanner in the works. 

I have been a proactive, supportive and loving mother throughout my 3 children's lives.... All 3 of them have and are facing depression and all 3 of them are absolutely clear that they never felt unloved or abandoned by me.   

I appreciate you using the word "prone" and yet it was my H's  MLC that certainly created depression in my S and he is currently having therapy for serious daily suicidal thoughts.   I just personally think that there is much more to the causes of depression than lack of motherly love.

Offline Never say never

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Re: The long and thorny path of reconciliation
« Reply #139 on: November 11, 2018, 04:20:57 AM »
Kar, I, like Thunder, admire you so very much. 

That being said, we can all have our opinions and/or research on what has caused our spouse's MLC.  In the end, I guess it doesn't really matter because it happened.

I think when MLC hits, we are all doing our research to find out why it happened so we can justify this crazy behavior that has occurred and realize it had nothing to do with us.  Remember, most of us LBSes are fixers.

In my case, I do believe it was my husband's dysfunctional family and lack of both motherly and fatherly love and abandonment that created his MLC in his 50s.

Like Song says, her kids didn't feel abandoned or unloved by their mother; yet, they are facing depression.  I will compare it to, let's say, lung cancer.  It can be said that the major cause of lung cancer is someone who has smoked during their lives ... but ... you can still get lung cancer never having touched tobacco once in your life.  So the "majority" of adults who go through MLC, I believe, is caused by some type of childhood FOO issue, whether it is in their minds or whether it actually happened.

I have said before, my husband's two brothers have not gone through a MLC.  My husband is the middle child of three boys.  Something happened in his childhood between his mother and him.  He is working through EMDR therapy and says it is really helping him.  Honestly, though, I don't know that I will EVER find out what happened.

And the fact that my husband was abandoned as a child by both his parents when he was a young boy ... and couple that with going through puberty without any support from his father ... it did create a toxic mix when he hit his 50s.

Now, I can also say that my own father had a nasty mother.  His father died in the war when my dad was seven.  My grandmother remarried years later, when my father was in his late 20s.  My dad went on to become very successful and never had a MLC of his own.  Funny thing about that ... we all hated my grandmother.  She was a very mean woman.  She was very cruel to my own mother and my father never stood up for his own wife ... always taking his own mom's side.

When my grandmother died, I didn't shed tears; nor did my mother.  My father shed a few tears.  Funny thing, though, after she died, she was never brought up again.  I wonder if, deep down, my dad realized what a nasty woman she was.

Sorry for hijacking and rambling ... just got off on my own tangent!

Congratulations on your job, Kar ...  Your husband has really lost out on a gem ... oh, which brings me to one more point and then I'm done!  Do you think it has something to do with our spouse's MLC if they feel we are more successful than them?  I have always made more money than my husband.  I thought it didn't bother him, but I'm beginning to wonder ...

 

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