[StillStanding]

I'm struggling so much with V day.  I talked to h about it and he said "Don't get me anything" and I said
"why because you don't feel the same about me?" and he said "Don't get me anything" .  My heart
is telling torn.

If your aim is to make the situation worse, then I would say go ahead.

He says he doesn't want you to get him anything. Why get him a card then? Moreover why get him a card that is going to do no  more than be a guilt trip? Even if he was not an MLCer, you cannot guilt or shame someone into staying with you. He would resent you for it, and you'll be in the same place all over again.

He knows I'm madly in love with him but the thought of a card will bring up close
and personal what he threw away.

That will not have the desired effect. In the best case, it will strengthen his resolve to leave. In the worst case, it starts an argument where you will beat each other up more and do even more damage to your battered marriage.

I think I'll get a card and on the inside write.  This was so true of us once....too bad you are divorcing me.

This comes off as spiteful and petty; not exactly the qualities you want to project when you're trying to save your marriage...

[whatever]

Still standing;
I'm not torn anymore...not getting him anything.

[StillStanding]

That might be for the best.

If you were going to get him something, make it as tame and non-pressuring as possible. The card I got my wife was simply "Have an outstanding Valentine's Day!" and I just signed it.

[In this for ME]

I was thinking about bagging up the used litter from the cat boxes and giving him that..
Opps! ...I forgot I gave him that for Christmas! I wouldn't want to be accused of giving uncreative gifts! 

[Tsunami]

I was thinking about bagging up the used litter from the cat boxes and giving him that..
Opps! ...I forgot I gave him that for Christmas! I wouldn't want to be accused of giving uncreative gifts! 

I was feeling sad until I read this.

Thanks so much for helping me calm my boiling anger at the moment and laugh my ass off!

[Phoenix]

My feeling about a card, at least in my case, is that no matter how "neutral," it doesn't work.  Since his Valentine this year is the OW, I don't have any desire to wish him a happy anything.  On second thought, I could say: "Happy V-D, because that is what you will most likely catch from the OW. (I know--not appropriate--but one can fantasize...) 

My birthday is the day before V-Day. For the first time in nearly a quarter century I will not have a partner to share these special times with, to bake my favorite cake for me, etc.  My H picked up his mail today and left a birthday card for me that says:  "Happy Birthday.  Celebrate the day! (his name).  It actually made my stomach hurt to get that rather than nothing.  It's so removed compared to all my cards of the past.  More disturbing was the Valentine's card he left for D.  It was very emotional, warm and fuzzy.  NOTHING like his totally detached behavior.  He moved out a month ago. We have not seen him since and he's made no contact with or about D.  The card just made her mad.  She started to read it, said "This is all a lie to make himself feel better about who he really is.  I don't want it," and walked away.

On the positive side, a female friend gave me chocolate and roses today (very sweet), I am using a gift certificate to a day spa and taking myself for a massage and facial. Then my D and I are meeting friends for dinner. ON V-Day a friend I have not seen in 20 years is coming into town for business and we are meeting for dinner.  His wife did this to him 12 years ago, but they survived after she got help for clinical depression.  Perhaps he will have some words of wisdom.

Keep busy or spend time in prayer or reflection, lovingly taking care of yourself in whatever way is meaningful, like a hot bath with candles, music, and a glass of wine or cup of tea.  It feels like everyone around us are in blissfully happy partnerships, but even a lot of people with a spouse at home, find Valentines painful.  Remove the expectation and you remove the disappointment.  I know--easier said than done. 

Take inspiration from a single friend of mine.  Last year she saw an ad for a romantic inn in New England that was offering a great get-away package for Valentine's couples.  She called them up and said she would like to book a room for herself. They gave her the special rate, the bottle of wine and complimentary chocolates.  She took a new novel, her favorite PJ's, went out for a decadent dinner on her own, came back to the inn, ran a warm tub, relaxed, read, slept like a baby to the sounds of a crackling fire, got up and had a beautiful winter stroll, a hearty breakfast and took herself shopping for a piece of jewelry.  She had a wonderful time, all because she chose to.

May we all learn to romance and nurture ourselves so we can make ourselves happy, or better teach our spouse what we need when they return, or our next partner if that is the path we choose.

Happy Valentine's to all,
Phoenix

[StandandDeliver]

"Happy V-D, because that is what you will most likely catch from the OW. "



lolololololol. 

That has made for a good start to the day for me... I am off to look at a new car for me and then I am having a day out pampering me. Happy (almost) Valentine's Day me!!!

and a great big HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY to all of you!!!!! Make it great - you folks all demonstrate what true love is - true love is something that you give and feel even when it is not reciprocated and it is sometimes trampled on. Our MLCers know that we love them and for the time being anyway don't care. So make it about your own self love, do something you love - sport, hobby, see a friend, make yourself your favourite dinner, open a nice bottle of wine (or bubbly) and toast yourself for how far you have come since BD - cos I am guessing that evey single one of us has made some progress. Get pampered, go to a spa, get a nice healing massage... you know you should.

[Ibelieve]

I am not doing anything for  H for Valentines Day... Because Christmas, Anniversary (also in Dec), and Birthday beginning of Feb., I got nothing. But the state of mind he is in, and him living with OW, I knew there would not be anything. Also when he left me in November I asked him why he is doing leaving me right before all of these special days, he told me that he didn't want to fake it. Brat! I was really hurt when he did not call on our 21st Anniversary. My family was wonderful though. Parent's were in town for the Holidays already and put together a fun dinner with family for my Anniversary,(with out him) so I wouldn't hurt so much. I did talk to H a few days after Anniversary and told him I was hurt that after 21 years of marriage he did not even call to say "Hi I know what today it is, I just wanted to say Hi"  Nope, nothing.  He did however call on my birthday. Maybe because  I was hurt about Anniversary, thought he better call on Birthday. Who knows. I was happy though.

There is  OW involved, there for he is no way going to be thinking about me on this Romantic holiday.
The devil on my one shoulder says I should put a Be Mine Valentine balloon on his car late the night before Valentines day, He lives with OW.. And two things can happen, but will have the same out come..If he leaves first in the morning, he will see it first and think it is from OW. He Will call her and thank her. ha ha. She gets an attitude and tells him it's not, then would need to know who it is from. Or she leaves for work first and sees it on his car, gets upset, and either just takes it and throws it away, or gets on his case about who it could be from... His Wife (me) or does he have another OW. Either way, No happy Valentines Day for them. Oh darn! Of course The Angel on my other shoulder knows I would never do anything like that. But it is fun thinking about it. My friend told me to send her some flowers to her with a card just saying "I still love you" And then H would get jealous and wonder who still loves her. Oh, I am bad.. Only in my mind.

Like some of you I thought about sending myself flowers. I started ordering them, and then started getting sad about it. But I think I just might go get some tomorrow. to me, from me! I think it will cheer me up. And I wasn't going to get the red, white romantic ones, I was thinking of getting Bright yellow, Orange, white, cheery ones. To brighten the day. We should all do that. We deserve it.

Ibelieve
 

[xyzcf]

AAARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH I want to scream... at yoga this am, all about Valentine's day and love and opening our heart- yeck... then at the grocery store the teller cheerfully wishing me a Happy Valentine's Day..and it's still 36 hours away!!

Is there a bah humbug equivalent for this dreadful celebration!

[In this for ME]

Sounds like you're mad enough to stomp bunnies! 

I guess I'm lucky this way..it's been years since he got me anything so I don't imprint on the holiday. When we got married I was planning on it being Valentines day-Whew! Glad I didn't do that.

BUT our anniversary would have been the 23rd of this month. I think I'll be ok with it. Would have been 21 years married. And 28 years together.